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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keeping child's lunch for them to eat later?

323 replies

mamaandthegirls · 08/01/2019 16:49

DD is 2 and a half and has never been a fussy eater, will pretty much eat anything given to her. However, on Sunday she refused point to eat her roast dinner cooked by partners mum. She always loves a roast dinner so I was surprised when she didn't eat it. I told partners mum to keep it as she can eat it later at tea time. Partners mum gave me a funny look and said that it was "cruel" to just give her a meal she doesn't want to eat.

Tea time came and partners mum asked if DD would like a sandwich for her tea and I said "no, she can eat her roast dinner she didn't touch." To which she replied "really?! Don't you think she'd prefer a sandwich?" So I said to just put it on front of her and if she doesn't eat it, then she can go home and go to bed hungry as she won't be having anything else.
DD ended up scoffing the roast dinner and I said "see, if they're hungry then they'll eat" but partners mum saw that as a nasty thing to do!

I was bought up that you never give children the option and you tell them what they're going to be eating and if they don't eat it then they go to bed hungry, as I found out a few times as a child! I have never been a fussy eater in my life but DP on the other hand was pandered to too much as a child when it came to meal times and sometimes got given a different meal to his parents.
Just wondered what everyone else's thoughts are on this? And what you'd do?

OP posts:
MotherofDinosaurs · 09/01/2019 13:23

I'd also never under any circumstances send a child to bed hungry

tryinganewname · 09/01/2019 13:31

Honestly.. you'd send a TWO year old to bed hungry? Without eating anything except breakfast that day?

Lovely parenting..

Namestheyareachangin · 09/01/2019 13:52

@mamaandthegirls

ah I see, making assumptions about me because of one thing I've done?
Also if you read back, you'll see that I said I made a poor choice of words when I used to phrase "walk all over me" I meant "I don't want her to think it's okay to turn down a proper meal every meal time, so that she can have a 'snack tea'".

It's not the phrase - it's your apparently sincere belief that if you let her have her way even once she will automatically think it's OK to do this "every time" or "whenever she wants" etc. You're attitude is extremely rigid, and you are attributing a huge amount of forethought and deviousness to a little person who is not remotely capable of that sort of thinking yet. She won't be putting two and two together and using that information to manipulate you as you are implying; if it was a pattern of behaviour yes but once? One meal she didn't eat (a meal she normally likes and eats fine)? Maybe she was feeling a bit off colour. Maybe your MIL doesn't make it/serve it the way you do; maybe her attention was elsewhere at lunchtime.

The thing is, I don't think giving her the meal twice was wrong at all. I do the same with my toddler's breakfast, because she's distracted in the mornings and she'll often be more receptive to her porridge when it's cold and it's mind-morning/lunchtime and she's hungrier. It's the reasoning behind it ("can't let her get away with this!") and the threatening attitude ("If you don't eat what I tell you to, you'll soon learn to as I'll send you to bed hungry" - you say you wouldn't actually do so but you told her you would - she's a baby, you're her mum, she believes you) that I really dislike. And your aggressive, mocking responses to anyone who doesn't pander to you on this post just reinforces it.

I notice you don't deny any of my assumptions are correct... did you do CIO? Would you smack?

Original poster
mamaandthegirls · 09/01/2019 15:30

@Namestheyareachangin well I suppose if it'll make you sleep easier at night, I've never smacked DD but have used CIO.
When I say CIO; I am referring to when DD has been over tired and I can feel my stress levels going up so I have let her to cry and I walk away in another room for a bit, what's so horrid about that?

OP posts:
smellsofelderberries · 09/01/2019 17:16

I will save food if it's something which will still be nice when reheated. I don't let DD go to bed hungry though- if she won't eat her supper she will get cheese and crackers and tomatoes, or some toast with some cucumber while she's playing or we are reading some stories before bed (change of scene and don't mention the fact that she hasn't eaten her supper- don't think she's yet old enough at just over 2 to connect not eating supper with getting snacks later).
DD is an exceptionally good eater though so I know she's rarely being fussy and I refuse to let dinner times turn into a battle ground!

Ooplesandbanoonoos · 09/01/2019 17:22

Agree with @pixie

PoutySprout · 09/01/2019 18:02

When I say CIO; I am referring to when DD has been over tired and I can feel my stress levels going up so I have let her to cry and I walk away in another room for a bit, what's so horrid about that?

Replace DD with partner.

Original poster
mamaandthegirls · 09/01/2019 18:48

@PoutySprout not sure what that means?😂

OP posts:
April2020mom · 09/01/2019 18:59

I offer a number of different options. In my apartment everyone has to have something to eat three times a day. But I don’t want to turn it into a huge fight. If I am making spicy food I make sure that my children have a non spicy version of the same dish. If they don’t want to eat dinner then I say that going to bed hungry is not a option. Try asking them politely what they want to eat.
Or get them involved in preparing the food. Even better and it will teach them how to be independent and healthy. It is all about making reasonable choices in my mind.

PoutySprout · 09/01/2019 19:09

Let’s assume you come home tired and upset. And instead of comforting you your partner goes to another room and ignores you. Feel good? Make you feel bonded to them? Do you feel like you matter?

PoutySprout · 09/01/2019 19:10

^and that’s 2 adults who have developed emotional awareness.

A 2 year old trying to work out how the world works with limited vocabulary and influence has no chance. It’s fucking cruel.

Yabbers · 09/01/2019 19:46

Aww, I’m thinking fondly back to when DD was a wonderful, eater aged 2 and ate everything in front of her, veggies, fruit, tried everything.

And I’m also remembering the point at 3.5 when she started to have her own opinion about what she was going to eat and would barely eat a thing. There followed a 2 year vegetable embargo until she got back on track and slowly tried more of them again. And no amount of lunch for dinner made a whit of difference. The only thing that worked was to stop making mealtimes any kind of battle. She ate when she was hungry and picked when she wasn’t. She sill does the same just as we all should do as adults.

To this day, at nearly 30 I can't stand my food touching or anyone watching me eat
I hate people watching me eat, but I never put it down to my mum doing this when I was little! It all makes sense now!

I was not a particularly fussy eater as a child but certain things I really didn’t like. These meals would be put in front of me and I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until I ate them. For hours I would have to sit in front of these meals at tea time, often ones which had been served for lunch and kept to re-serve at tea because I hadn’t eaten them. To this day, there are foods I just can’t bear and every single one of them is a meal my mum forced me to eat.

Original poster
mamaandthegirls · 09/01/2019 19:50

@PoutySprout I'm not talkimg about while DD is a toddler. Now she can tell me what's wrong and I can sort it out as she uses actual words to tell me why she is upset.
I'm talking about when she was a little baby and didn't use words to tell me what was wrong. But if you want to start a debate on this too, then go ahead if you haven't got anything better to do.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 09/01/2019 19:57

I wouldn't send a 2 year old to bed hungry.

MediocrePenguin · 09/01/2019 20:01

I would say you sound a bit harsh to a 2 year old.

I was a fussy eater as a child brought on I think a lot by this type of treatment. I had a horrible relationship with food for feeling forced to eat things I didn't like/want and became very underweight and then struggled on and off with eating disorders in adulthood.

Just be a bit careful/mindful of how you talk to her. Making kids anxious around food/dinners can also have a really negative affect.

PoutySprout · 09/01/2019 20:02

@PoutySprout I'm not talkimg about while DD is a toddler. Now she can tell me what's wrong and I can sort it out as she uses actual words to tell me why she is upset.
I'm talking about when she was a little baby and didn't use words to tell me what was wrong. But if you want to start a debate on this too, then go ahead if you haven't got anything better to do.

How many emotions can she describe exactly? Beyond happy and sad?

Disappointment? Rage? Shame? Euphoria? Loss? Remorse? Indifference? Horror?

There is no way your child can articulate every emotion she feels. You remove attention/affection/comfort from her and she will feel shame regardless. Shame is the most destructive of human emotions.

But hey, never did you any harm, right?

secretmetoo · 09/01/2019 20:04

Are you struggling OP? I just looked at a few of your other posts (there are quite a lot) on issues with your DD, including one on a break down. I think you may need to relax a little and pick your battles. I would love to have my children eat what’s on their plates all the time, realistically though, it isn’t going to happen and I have accepted that. Children (as with adults) are going to have days where they don’t fancy what’s on their plates. My daughter can love peas one week and then not eat them for months because they are gross! You are going to have to chill out because every meal time will turn into a battle until one of you breaks and you don’t want to break your DD.

Bibijayne · 09/01/2019 20:08

This was done to me. Still can't eat Weetabix because if it.

PoutySprout · 09/01/2019 20:09

And given you have another baby as well it’s even more important that you don’t push your daughter out.

Yabbers · 09/01/2019 20:12

@Pottysprout

How many emotions can she describe exactly? Beyond happy and sad?

Absolutely agree with this. DD was talking conversationally at aged 2, really ahead in speech and cognition. The one thing she could not do at that age was tell us what the problem was if she was upset.

Mammylamb · 09/01/2019 20:22

I don’t like parents making food a battleground and a battle of wills; Sometimes I think it is a power thing (and for small children they really don’t have much power)

But I don’t think you were being cruel in this case. If I didn’t fancy my lunch I would happily put it away until dinner time and eat it then.

DS(3) eats really well, but very occasionally refuses to eat something. I’ll usually ask him to take a couple of bites of everything on the plate, but I don’t force it. One reason is that he has an allergy, which didn’t show the first time he ate a particular food. The 3rd time we fed him it he started fussing and refusing it. A minute later he started having an allergic reaction (swollen lips etc). I have a similar allergy; when I was a kid my aunt insisted I ate the food (not believing that allergies existed) and I still recall how horrible it was

Original poster
mamaandthegirls · 09/01/2019 20:26

@PoutySprout what? Even as a little baby like a few months old? Or am I not understanding something.
@secretmetoo hi, yes I recently just got diagnosed with PND (again) since having DD2 and have struggled with DD1 since she was young and having mental health problems. She is getting better now and I'm feeling better about how things have been with our relationship as we started having some help from homestart organisation since last year, really helps my mood a lot.
Also @PoutySprout I don't ever push DD out. We have a good routine going and whenever baby sleeps we play together, read books, do crafts and I always make sure that when DP is home from work in the evenings, bed time routine is all about me and DD1. So no, I don't push her out. I did find the first few weeks DD2 arrived really hard though as I found it hard to divide time between them both.

OP posts:
PoutySprout · 09/01/2019 20:28

@PoutySprout what? Even as a little baby like a few months old? Or am I not understanding something.

I don’t understand what you’re not understanding.

Nacreous · 09/01/2019 20:35

It sounds like you're struggling OP, I hope your PND recedes.

I would be wary of assuming "if they're hungry they'll eat". This was something my grandparents assumed when I went to stay for 4 days as a child, and 4 days later I still hadn't eaten. The advice my mother had from great Ormond Street was to feed what she will eat. And as an adult, I'm no longer a fussy eater. My sister, on the other hand, is. No rhyme or reason to it.

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