Keeping child's lunch for them to eat later?

[mamaandthegirls]

DD is 2 and a half and has never been a fussy eater, will pretty much eat anything given to her. However, on Sunday she refused point to eat her roast dinner cooked by partners mum. She always loves a roast dinner so I was surprised when she didn't eat it. I told partners mum to keep it as she can eat it later at tea time. Partners mum gave me a funny look and said that it was "cruel" to just give her a meal she doesn't want to eat.

Tea time came and partners mum asked if DD would like a sandwich for her tea and I said "no, she can eat her roast dinner she didn't touch." To which she replied "really?! Don't you think she'd prefer a sandwich?" So I said to just put it on front of her and if she doesn't eat it, then she can go home and go to bed hungry as she won't be having anything else.
DD ended up scoffing the roast dinner and I said "see, if they're hungry then they'll eat" but partners mum saw that as a nasty thing to do!

I was bought up that you never give children the option and you tell them what they're going to be eating and if they don't eat it then they go to bed hungry, as I found out a few times as a child! I have never been a fussy eater in my life but DP on the other hand was pandered to too much as a child when it came to meal times and sometimes got given a different meal to his parents.
Just wondered what everyone else's thoughts are on this? And what you'd do?

@PoutySprout are you saying it is bad to leave a 3 month or a baby under one to cry for a few minutes while a parent leaves them when stressed and goes back later on to comfort the baby?

I wouldn’t do it personally. But it depends what the risk was of not doing so.

I certainly wouldn’t set out to do it.

@PoutySprout I've never planned to do, it wasn't something I thought when I was pregnant I would do. But I have done it when I just need a 5 minute breather.

5 mins isn’t a few. I’m sorry you feel rough, and things have been difficult, but your children will feel this worse than you do.

@PoutySprout as advised by my HV 5 minutes is actually fine...

Ah. As long as your HV thinks it’s okay.

Also I know my children will feel worse than I do but I am trying the best I can for them. Despite of my mental health.

I hope you're ok OP
It's very difficult to discuss parenting styles without being judged
The scenarios that you have described are just a teeny tiny window into your relationship with your DD and I'm sure it's not as bad as some pps seem to think
However, with PND perhaps it has or still does affect some of your thoughts and feelings and if you are struggling then I hope you have support and know how to ask for help
All the best

@user1492346620 well, I do think my PND does effect my ways of thinking when it comes to DD. I think perhaps sometimes I'm doing what I think is right but then some people will see that as not a good technique to use.
I don't have an awful lot of help apart from DP during the weekends when he's off of work but I never really get any 'me time' to relax which I know sometimes agitates me so I guess when that happens my way of thinking isn't straight.
But thanks for your concern

For what is worth, having suffered PND myself in the past, putting baby in a safe place where you can hear/ peek, whilst you take a few minutes is much much better than the alternative, and this is indeed the advice I was given by HV, and mental health experts.
Luckily my DH was around to take over for a few minutes in those occasions.

OP I just hope that after this thread, you and other mums and dads think twice before they say the "never did me any harm"

OK this goes a long way to explain why you are catastrophising a bit when it comes to DD1s behavior. By this i mean feeling you are risking awful outcomes from allowing your DD control in certain circumstances. Yes? 'Give her an inch and she'll take a mile' worries.

Her birth has bought mental problems to your door (PND) and you are being extra protective of yourself. That's understandable. I can see how even though you love a child unconditionally and you know it's not her fault, and you would not intentionally hurt them, it's possible to be afraid of what they're capable of doing to you and to feel you have to stay in tight control to avoid spiraling further.

Does this ring true at all?

Taking a breather from your baby when your stress levels are rising isn't CIO. CIO is when you deliberately ignore your baby's distress signals for increasingly prolonged periods in an attempt to get them to 'self-soothe' and settle to sleep without any parental 'sleep props' (e.g. a feed, a cuddle, a soothing voice or touch). We've all had moments when we have to walk away for the good of everyone (or I certainly have). Not the same as thinking babies have to be trained like dogs.

Also didn't ask if you had hit your DD, but whether there are circumstances in which you would. Not the same thing.

However, I am sorry to hear you are unwell. That probably explains a lot, most particularly your aggression towards those questioning your parenting choices. PND can be brutal. I wish you well in your recovery. I would suggest that asking Mumsnet for feedback on your parenting decisions (particularly on AIBU rather than the parenting forums) may not be the most conducive thing to your wellbeing just at present.

OP I've just rather nosily gone and read your post in August and I'd like to say sorry. I reacted to how you presented on this thread, but obviously there is a great deal more going on with you which I wasn't aware of and if I have been I wouldn't have been so combative. I'm really sorry.

A salutory reminder that with Mumsnet, we really do only see a 'snapshot' in a single post - and even the posting history only tells us so much about the whole person. I must try to remember this and be les reactive on threads.

I really hope you are feeling much better now.

@Namestheyareachangin that's okay. Things are getting a bit easier, but there are still struggles I have with a new baby now too.
Obviously, I know that mental health is no excuse to behave in the way you do. So I know that maybe my way of parenting is just to say "well I'm unwell and struggling so I'm going to parent this way." However, I know there are better parenting strategies to use.
@Laiste I'm not sure really. But I guess I can see that I do have control over her in a way, but my intentions would never to hurt her on purpose.

@mamaandthegirls - having read your later posts I also just wanted to come back and say I think you are right about taking a few minutes time out from your baby when you feel your stress levels rising. I also understand a bit more about why you feel it’s so important to be in control and a little scared to let go of that control. I apologise for calling you ‘a control freak’. Might be best to avoid AIBU though as it does get a bit brutal on here as I’ve learned to my cost in the past! Take care.

@Canshopwillshop it's fine. But I do think I'll stay away from these posts in the future!

Sorry to hear you are struggling OP. PND is very hard, so well done for getting through each day. Leaving a crying baby in a safe space to allow you to take a breather is absolutely the correct thing to do. Continuing to hold that baby as you feel yourself about to snap is how babies get shaken etc.

I don't see the problem with offering an uneaten meal at a later time, if maybe the child wasn't hungry when it was offered ealier, but I'd never force my children to eat something if they were saying they didn't like it/weren't hungry/weren't in the mood for it. I like them to feel like they have full control over their own body and person. I couldn't think of anything worse than having someone stood over me forcing me to eat when I didn't want to for whatever reason, telling me I wouldn't have anything else to eat, and would go hungry if I didn't eat it etc. I would find that abusive as an adult, let alone as a child. Sometimes we will encourage our children to try a little bit more if they are just distracted and not eating well, and make games out of eating vegetables to encourage positivity with healthy foods (broccoli = trees, let's see if we can eat the whole forest etc) but if they say they're done, then I trust their judgement and respect their rights over their own body. And I would never ever let my children go to bed hungry, regardless of whether or notntheyd refused every meal that day. They'd always be offered a supper (porridge, cheese and crackers, biscuits and fruit, yoghurt etc) as the thought of them being hungry at night is upsetting. Plus it means they'd probably wake up at the crack of dawn harrassing me for breakfast!

@bobbiepin @Waspersting
Haven't read the whole thread and the op is not the parent I aspire to be.
If you are concerned about potential allergies you can put a dot of the food onto your child's skin - lower leg is good as far from the mouth. If there is redness, swelling or a hive do not allow your child to eat it and ask your GP to refer you to the allergy clinic.
We used this method on my daughter who had multiple critical food allergies and prevented anaphalactis on at least 3 occasions.

@GobblersKnob that was exactly what I was trying to get across to @PoutySprout that it's fine to leave a crying baby for 5 minutes or so, as like you said that is how poor little babies are shaken or hurt badly. I have always taken some time out with both DDs if I feel stressed when trying to soothe them but they're still incredibly upset.

This is how I was brought up but I remember sitting at the dining table and sobbing for hours because I wasn't allowed to leave and I really didn't like what I was told I had to eat.
As long as your careful your not force feeding them something they hate and your not losing your temper or getting angry then I think it's ok...
But maybe 2.5 is a tad young? 🤷🏼‍♀️

@TheFrequentNameChangingLady I never force feed or lose my rag with her. Like I said in PP I don't make her eat everything on the plate.

Although, tonight she didn't want her dinner and I actually took a step back and said "are you sure? It's actually very nice" but she did refuse. So I just let her leave it and I did offer her some fruit but she refused that too. She's been rather unsettled tonight and keeps saying she has a sore tummy so it makes sense why she didn't eat tonight.

Wow, all you food forcers. I never forced anything on any of my three. They didn't like some foods but ate others that were just as healthy. I like lots of foods but there are some I don't like. No one forces me to eat stuff I don't like. I don't like overly sweet things or snails or okra and I'll be damned if anyone forced me to eat those. All three grew up eating a wide variety and still do. They know to be polite when others serve up food and don't reject foods but ad kids if they didn't like it I just have them something else or they ate the bits they did like. No stress. Happy kids. Happy parents. All was good.