Keeping child's lunch for them to eat later?

[mamaandthegirls]

DD is 2 and a half and has never been a fussy eater, will pretty much eat anything given to her. However, on Sunday she refused point to eat her roast dinner cooked by partners mum. She always loves a roast dinner so I was surprised when she didn't eat it. I told partners mum to keep it as she can eat it later at tea time. Partners mum gave me a funny look and said that it was "cruel" to just give her a meal she doesn't want to eat.

Tea time came and partners mum asked if DD would like a sandwich for her tea and I said "no, she can eat her roast dinner she didn't touch." To which she replied "really?! Don't you think she'd prefer a sandwich?" So I said to just put it on front of her and if she doesn't eat it, then she can go home and go to bed hungry as she won't be having anything else.
DD ended up scoffing the roast dinner and I said "see, if they're hungry then they'll eat" but partners mum saw that as a nasty thing to do!

I was bought up that you never give children the option and you tell them what they're going to be eating and if they don't eat it then they go to bed hungry, as I found out a few times as a child! I have never been a fussy eater in my life but DP on the other hand was pandered to too much as a child when it came to meal times and sometimes got given a different meal to his parents.
Just wondered what everyone else's thoughts are on this? And what you'd do?

I don't think you were wrong to offer her the same meal again since she normally likes it. But sending a 2 year old to bed had she still not wanted it IS nasty.

TootTootPeanutbutter - I agree wholeheartedly!

My two are really good at self regulating at 11.5 and 7 and I think it's because I'm not micro managing their every bite!

I wouldn't have made her eat the food later and I also wouldn't have sent her to bed hungry.
I have lots of memories of my niece hiding her peas every dinnertime because she hated them but had to eat them. It was a completely pointless exercise and created a duplicity and guilt around eating that was unnecessary.
It's easy to make food a battleground but it's not worth it imo. All it does is create a competitive dynamic around eating who will win? you or DC/ that is very unhealthy. I'd rather my DC had a healthy attitude to food. And fwiw they eat lots of different foods and eat well.

I'm interested to know how far you would have taken this - as it does sound like you want to bend her to your will. Would she have been offered it for breakfast too? What if she'd woken up crying and hungry through the night? Would you have just let her suffer or reheated the dinner again at 2am or something?

I would have kept the roast for later but if she refused again offered her some toast or a sandwich.

It depends on the child. I ended up under consultant care for being underweight after my mother tried the same technique. To this day I will go without food for days rather than eat something I really don’t like. My H’s mum did the same thing and my DH is quite fussy. I think it was fine to offer her the roast dinner again, but not okay to send her to bed hungry as some sort of power play. Food shouldn’t be a reward or a punishment

I do the same if I know it's something but DS likes. If he refuses a meal it's because he's not hungry. He isn't fussy and is a great eater so if he doesn't want his meal I don't worry and leave it until he's hungry.

If he was fussy it a bad eater I might treat him differently.

I've wrapped up an untouched sandwich and given it for lunch the next day but I wouldn't reheat and serve a refused meal.
A roast left to go cold then presumably microwaved wouldn't be appealing to me.

A friend of a friend was a childminder and I remember feeling incredibly uncomfortable at a picnic when her own son and a mindee were handed the previous nights congealed vegetable lasagne and everyone was under strict instructions not to let them eat anything else. Both kids were sobbing especially when the ice cream van came and all the other kids got ice cream. They didn't touch the lasagne and the childminder proudly announced she would heat it up again for their tea. It was grim to witness.

My children when the toddler stage have however gone to bed having eaten very little or no dinner. I always assumed they didn't eat their dinner because they weren't very hungry. They usually ate decent breakfasts and lunches, didn't ask for food again after dinner just had milk as normal and slept all night.

I found the best way was to let them serve themselves from a wide range of healthy foods and ignore how much they eat. It's much easier/nicer to save uneaten food that's still in a serving dish and much more pleasant to sit around a table that's not a battleground. All my children eat a decent range of foods now even the one who I at one point feared would only eat fish fingers and yoghurt.

Food shouldn’t be a reward or a punishment

I agree wholeheartedly with this.

I don't see a problem with offering an uneaten meal to see if the child wants it later.

However I would have a problem with sending her to bed hungry if she didn't eat it second time around. Witholding food is abusive IMO.

I had an ex who had a very strange relationship with food and had an eating disorder as result of being forced to eat roast dinners. He had a psychological reaction and couldn't eat meat as a result of his parents making him sit at the table for hours and then producing the same plate of Sunday roast over and over until he ate it when he was very young.

@Worsethingshappen oh thank you for the tip, I will look that place up
@Goldenbear My two are really good at self regulating at 11.5 and 7 and I think it's because I'm not micro managing their every bite! could you give some tips? I have a 2yo and a history of eating disorders, my DH has a super healthy attitude to food but he is not around at all meals. Thanks

@Notso a childminder? That sounds awful. Must be the odd one bad out

How interesting some people have said I'm using it to "have power over her" so do you expect me to just grovel to her and give her whatever she wants?
As a child, if I didn't eat a meal my mum wouldn't give me anything else, I would not get any treat after dinner.

It was awful @planespotting and I felt complicit because I didn't do anything.
I will say in every other way she seemed like a brilliant childminder, she's changed career now but still has two of her ex mindees over for sleepovers and play dates at their request.

So would you have sent her to bed knowing she hadn't had anything to eat and would be hungry? Or will you just keep avoiding this question?

• How interesting some people have said I'm using it to "have power over her" so do you expect me to just grovel to her and give her whatever she wants? As a child, if I didn't eat a meal my mum wouldn't give me anything else, I would not get any treat after dinner.*

Not that interesting, you presented a situation to an active audience and we are giving you our opinion.

If you read everyone's comments you will find the answer to your questions.

So your mum did that, and you are doing it to your daughter. Not because you have thought about it and researched and made a decision but because your mum did it.

I have very traumatic memories of dinner times as a child, i can exactly recall the fear and the nausea now over 40 years later. I was a fussy eater because I couldn't stomach the taste and more importantly texture of many foods. I honestly spent so much time in tears and filled with dread. NOTHING anyone said or did made any difference - i continued to refuse many foods.

Got to my twenties and started trying out foods off my own bat with no pressure and lo and behold eat most things now.

I would totally have offered the roast dinner again then given her something else without any fuss if she didn't want it. OP said her child wasn't a fussy eater anyway so why make an issue of it

It's actually hilarious reading some of your replies 😂 So most people don't really agree with me, that's fine. But then again I was treated that way and grew up to love food, try so many different types of food and now I will eat anything. Yes there are a few things I don't like - olives being one of them (yuck!) but I've never had a weird relationship with food.
DD tries everything she is given, and I have found there are a few things she doesn't like - peppers, sprouts, lettuce and cauliflower cheese. That's fine, I don't expect her to like absolutely everything and never force her to eat the things she doesn't like.
I am saying that she loves roast dinners, so was a little surprised she didn't eat hers on Sunday.
Yes, maybe she wasn't hungry, and that's ok. I didn't force feed her it, I saved it for her to have later on as she likes roast dinners anyway, it wasn't some strange meal she has never seen before.
At home I have done the same and I don't really like wastage when it comes to food, yes a few scraps is absolutely no problem - but a full meal I have cooked and prepared? Not in this house!

As a child, if I didn't eat a meal my mum wouldn't give me anything else, I would not get any treat after dinner

So what! Your Mum is just a Mum like anyone else's and I assume not a parenting guru.

As a child I never had to eat anything I didn't want to and always got pudding if there was any. I grew out of only eating mashed potatoes at about 5 years old and ate and still eat most foods.
DH had to eat whatever was served or go to bed. He only ate beige food until his mid-twenties, his younger brother and sister in their thirties still don't eat any vegetables.

It's actually hilarious reading some of your replies 😂**

Well I guess that is it then.
Why did you post of you already think you are right and the opinions that differ are, apparently, hilarious?

It's interesting that you think of it as either her eating what's in front of her or you're 'grovelling' to her. That's a really unusual way of putting it. Surely you can see it doesn't have to be one extreme or the other? Especially with such a little child.

So you would have sent her to bed hungry if she had refused the roast dinner a second time?

OP you haven’t listened to what posters have said. You seem only to see two extreme view points - that of grovelling and pandering to her every desire versus, essentially forcing your child to eat when they aren’t hungry or don’t want it.
I certainly don’t agree with “grovelling” (where did that idea come from anyway?!”, or giving a child anything they ask for. That would be so unhealthy psychologically and physically, of course.
But why must the child eat whatever you give them, even if she isn’t hungry? Just offer your food, if answer is “no thank you” then no food, no alternative. That’s fine. But no war or bitterness needed either.
If she hadn’t eaten it at dinner what’s the next option? Breakfast the next day. Ludicrous.

She's 2. Personally i've found a lot of the replies about peoples relationship with food due to their upbringing to be quite sad and upsetting and profound. Not hilarious.

Maybe your daughter didn't fancy a roast dinner. Same as an adult, they don't always fancy eating certain foods even if they do like them.
Strange, that you would have sent your daughter to bed hungry if she hadn't eaten her dinner later. Would you go to bed hungry?

Your attitude is learnt from your parents, I appreciate, but it is one of the reasons why your/our generation has such an obesity, eating disorder and health crisis.

Food is food; it’s not a punishment or reward and it should have no element of control about it.

Exactly this
She's 2. Personally i've found a lot of the replies about peoples relationship with food due to their upbringing to be quite sad and upsetting and profound. Not hilarious.