My partner won't stop pestering me for sex

[Saminsachs]

My partner has a huge sex drive. We have a four month old baby and tbh,I have not been at all in the mood since giving birth. I wasn't before either,but I had sex with him to keep the peace,as he goes on and on and on about it and gets in a terrible mood.

Anyway,he's been away working for ten days and got back last night and wanted sex straight away. He didn't want to talk,just,as he puts it 'get laid' I was tired and kept on saying no and when he realised he wasn't going to get sex,he just went on the computer.

This morning,he's been on and on about it and even started unbuttoning his trousers, wanting a 'quickie' when our baby was right there next to him in his bouncy chair.

It's all he wants,but I just don't want to...not all the time. I just do it to make him stop pestering me. I could actually in all honesty very happily live without it. But I also hope that if I say yes and do it,it'll satisfy him for a few days...but it never does.

Aibu?

My husband has a very high sex drive. I used to and then we had kids.

Usually he does get moody when he hasn't had it for a while and I'm not in the mood, but luckily that doesn't tend to happen too much. We are now in a good place where we are very open with each other and both satisfied with pretty regular, but always great sex.

After our first baby was born I couldn't have sex for about 6 months. He was desperate for sex - usually he would have hounded me and asked for it non stop, but he didn't pester me at all and was kind and thankful I'd just pushed his child out my body.

I think your husband is being an asshole, Sorry OP 🙁

I don’t want to worry you further, OP, but if he’s that highly sexed and going away on business, I’d get checked out for anything nasty.

Sorry my phone didn't load the full thread - I've only just seen the updates. He really does sound awful OP, this is my first LTB. He truly sounds abusive and you deserve better xx

My Ex became very like this. Constant complaints about not enough sex or bj

Total total turn off.

Especially after I’d had our baby. Honestly OP we’ve given birth to their child! Have some respect for our bodies! We’ve been through the mill giving birth usually.

Ditched Ex. Felt like I must have a low libido. Ex told me I might be a lesbian because of my lack of interest on sex with him. Spent some years feeling unattractive.

Then pow! Dated again, eventually realized I was hot and loved sex again! Met a guy who unfortunately I’m breaking up with....
But he was great at sex and made me want it loads. Why? Because he would never unzip his trousers like that, he would never complain, he saw at his job to turn me on, and if I didn’t want to, it was his failure. Not mine. He also did loads of housework.

So remember you don’t need to put up with this! Go cold turkey ok him, put on your best sexy outfit, give him the baby for the weekend and go away with friends. Let him sweat.

This is one of the worst cases of domestic abuse I’ve ever read on MN.

Phone the police.

This man is a violent criminal and the only place he should be going to is jail.

Contact women’s aid in the U.K. and see if you would be eligible for a refuge space given you currently live abroad.

What is the provision for abused women in the country you live in?

Can you see a solicitor there?

With his level of violence it is only a matter of time before he is violent to the children. You have to keep them safe and get them away from him.

Thank you everyone. He's not talking to me so far today, but we have to leave in an hour as my baby has his immunisations - but to be honest,after reading the replies from you all,I have realised how much I absolutely despise him! Everything he says and does - he's revolting.

I don't want to suddenly act differently and make him suspicious, but I'm starting to see that maybe life doesn't have to be like this.

I hate him, I really do. And I am questioning myself - how could I not see for so long that this is abuse? I'm even trying to ok and justify it now, but actually letting it out and saying it how it is, and not even the worst if it, I realise that it's not ok and I don't want to live like this any longer

He is very dangerous, I woukd not feel safe being in the house alone with him, he could attack you. Explore your options, is there a woman's refuge near or DV charity. Cou,d you tell your mum what has been going on, your number 1 priority is to get away from him.

Can you let us know which country you are in so we can look for appropriate help for you in that country? Also, where does he go when he's working away so often? Do you see any of that money? Could he have another family elsewhere?

@Saminsachs
Stay safe, you are right best to not make him suspicious for now. Presumably he will be away for work again very soon and then you will have time to get your stuff together and get the hell out of there. Please stay safe and come and talk to us, we are always here for you and day or night there's always someone around.

This is the saddest thing I've read on here OP. Well done for saying it out loud, describing even some events. Its made it real for you. This is so hard, but so important. This man is a pathetic, misogynistic monster and you need, absolutely need, to get out. However long it takes, please take action now, baby steps. Tell your mum, tell her you need her help, do whatever it takes to get away.

I'm so sorry to read your situation @Saminsachs - the way he treats you is absolutely not normal, any of it. Him hitting you at all is a huge thing, he doesn't have to hospitalise you for it to count as serious! And the constant groping and pressuring you for sex is abusive in and of itself - if your boss did it at work, four example, would you think it was ok?

I agree you need confidential local legal advice about your options with the children, but even if you can't take them back to the UK (and you may not want to anyway) that doesn't mean you have to stay as you are. You can live in a different house, for a start, taking your children with you and leaving your husband and his mother behind. You could even move to a different town in the same country and completely start over, if you wanted to.

Do you speak the language of your current country? If not, you will probably be able to find English-speaking advice and lawyers, but you'll probably have more options if you do speak the local language. There will probably be women's groups in the capital city (British or American women's groups seem to be the most common, but it's worth looking at the Canadians, Kiwis, etc, too, if they're a big presence in your current country) and they might be able to give you more specific advice to the country you live in. And most EU countries have some sort of domestic violence charities who might be able to help - because you are being subjected to domestic violence.

If you can, I'd try to stick things out until he goes away again, and use that time to explore your options and try to reach out for local support. Do you have your own friends (not shared friends) where you are? Could you talk to them? I'd be horrified if one of my friends was dealing with this and would do anything I could to help - I hope your friends would do the same. (But in the circumstances, I'd be careful about telling anyone who might gossip - your husband sounds like he'd react badly to that, to say the least.)

Ignore Ihadacrush! Appalling attitude, perspective and advice. (Ihadacrush do you even have kids?!) flattered my arse!

It is COMPLETELY NORMAL to not be very interested in sex when you're only 4 MONTHS postpartum, quite likely knackered, maybe breastfeeding (which affects hormones), possibly still sore, feeling "touched out" and unappreciated.

His actions and attitude aren't just crass & selfish they're abusive! Nobody should be pressurised or coerced into sex!

"He's only nice to me when he wants sex." Leave him! He's abusive and doesn't care for you or the children.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

"To be frank,he acts like a sex pest." Not like one he IS one! He's actually something much worse but I'm not sure you're ready to face that yet.

"See the cup of tea video about consent (link, someone?). You are being assaulted"

m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

"Tbh when he's away, it,'s bliss!" Seriously leave this utterly useless, selfish, abusive bastard ASAP!

I'm would hope if you contact the british consulate and explain you are a British citizen who is a victim of DV/DA

www.domesticabuseabroad.co.uk

www.gov.uk/victim-crime-abroad

Do you genuinely have no family or friends in uk or have you simply lost contact due to your relationship? If the latter then I'm sure any family or old friends you contact and tell them what's happening will help in any way they can.

Call your mum! Even if she says "I told you so" it's a small price to pay to get help.

If I were your mum, that would be the last thing on my mind.' My focus would be on getting my dd and dgc the hell away from him!

"And if I tried to leave rbe country, all hell would break loose!" You plan it and you don't even HINT to him what you're doing!

If you're in the EU and have savings and the children have passports I'd recommend you plan to leave the very next time he goes away with work.

"Looks so bad written down :("

Because it IS bad, it's awful. It's not just you he's abusing it's the children too.

Unless your mum is also abusive I think you need to consider that may be your best option for now. Even if just a temporary measure.

Have your children got British passports? Please try to get that sorted ASAP too. X

@HomeEdRocks18

Yes, that would work with an abusive man who’s hit the OP before. Especially as they’re not in in this country and she has no support.

Did you not at least read her posts?

One child was born in England’s, her baby wasn’t. It’s not that simple. She needs legal advice.

Unless your mum is also abusive I think you need to consider that may be your best option for now. Even if just a temporary measure.

I agree with @Graphista

She cannot just take the children abroad.

She will need her husband's agreement, and if she takes them without his agreement he could pursue a child abduction case and get the children returned. Saminsachs needs to get specific legal advice on this, and probably separating but staying in the same country is an achievable aim.

Good morning, OP. Thinking of you again today. So glad your eyes are being opened to what he’s like. A better life is waiting for you.

Just a note to please be wary of advice to head back to the UK as soon as possible. If you brought the children you would most likely be committing child abduction - so please please please do seek professional legal advice before doing anything hasty.

You may need to continue living in the country you’re in for a while. But it will still be so much better than living with him. Think how you feel when he’s away. You could feel like that every day.

Sorry Assassinated , x-post! You said it better.

Oh OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. Just a small thing, please make sure that you log out properly or delete your history of anything you are discussing on here.

What Graphista and Sloth said. OP I have been in your situation and yes the first thing you must do as a PP has said is get ALL important documents together, passports, birth certs, etc and keep them where he can't find them. Also get some legal advice on your situation and make enquiries re a women's refuge. The situation cannot go on like this, and if you stay his behaviour could well escalate to a point where he seriously injures you or the children. We're all thinking of you and rooting for you. Please stay safe xx

I can only echo what others have said. However difficult, you do have to leave. It doesn’t have to be today but start making plans, especially when he goes away next time and you can make calls or research your options. Stay strong

I would use those 10 days in February to leave. Do it while it is still relatively easy to travel between the EU and the UK.

I know nothing about the legalities of taking the children back to the UK from your EU country. However it occurs to me that if you go to the police and he is charged with assaulting you (physically, sexually you can take your pick in your appalling situation) then surely that comes into play? I am not saying that it will make it all hunky dory but surely it will make a difference (esp if the utter fucker is in jail where he belongs). Did you take any photos of bruises etc?