My partner won't stop pestering me for sex

[Saminsachs]

My partner has a huge sex drive. We have a four month old baby and tbh,I have not been at all in the mood since giving birth. I wasn't before either,but I had sex with him to keep the peace,as he goes on and on and on about it and gets in a terrible mood.

Anyway,he's been away working for ten days and got back last night and wanted sex straight away. He didn't want to talk,just,as he puts it 'get laid' I was tired and kept on saying no and when he realised he wasn't going to get sex,he just went on the computer.

This morning,he's been on and on about it and even started unbuttoning his trousers, wanting a 'quickie' when our baby was right there next to him in his bouncy chair.

It's all he wants,but I just don't want to...not all the time. I just do it to make him stop pestering me. I could actually in all honesty very happily live without it. But I also hope that if I say yes and do it,it'll satisfy him for a few days...but it never does.

Aibu?

Agreed. Legal advice ASAP.

If you starve someone then give them a slice of bread they will be happy but the next day if they ask again for food you say "all you do is ask for food!" The belly needs to be refilled properly first.

Thanks again for your responses. I live in Germany. My partner gave my daughter's passport to his mother and I have no idea where she put it - and she definitely wouldn't tell me if I asked. My son doesn't have a passport - he doesn't even have a birth certificate yet (long story - basically I had to get my birth certificate translated into German before his could be issued and now they have asked for an Apostle for it,which I am waiting for from England-it should be here this week)

Yes, I think I need proper legal advice. I feel completely stuck here. Like I have no choice or say in anything.

He is being soooo horrible to me today,but funnily enough,he treats his mother like a queen,and she worships the ground he walks on. They often spend their evenings together,eating dinner and watching detective programmes.

Would love to just leave them to it - he told me once that I should dress more like her and get advice from her because I'm a rubbish cook apparently! Amongst other things.

His mum is such a dictator - what she says goes and to be honest,they act more like a couple than we do. He certainly enjoys her company more.

On another note - part of his trip got cancelled. He's only going for 5 days,the middle of the month.

I hate the atmosphere here right now,it is like walking on eggshells shells. And I know it's stupid of me,but I can't stand him being so angry and annoyed at me,I just want to do something right and make him like me - he is very derogatory about the fact that I'm 'just a mum' and my whole life is about the children. But it has to be, at least at the moment, because nobody else helps.

I'm just still thinking I'm doing something wrong and should apologise to him for always saying no and try to do something nice for him.

He went away for almost four months two years ago and I felt like a different person,I had a life and was doing nice things and my life was... colourful.

Now it's just hiding away and not upsetting him and feeling bad. I am enjoying my baby though :) He is just beautiful. And my daughter is awesome too,obviously :)

Please call this line for domestic abuse in Germany. They speak English.

www.hilfetelefon.de/en.html

Definitely get legal advice, can you get another passport for your dd, and cancel the old one, get one for your ds too. You know what you need to to, just small steps towards that big goal of leaving him, it is not going to happen straight away, you know that, but small steps lead to bigger ones. You are strong, you can do it .

Report the passport as lost and apply for another one if you can do that without having to get the forms re signed

Completely atrocious situation, OP, you deserve so much better than this. The situation with his mother is bizarre. Does your daughter have German or British passport? Is it an option to get whichever nationality it isn’t?

for you

This is horrendous but good for you OP for starting to see how bad it is. It's so easy to forget or minimize how bad things are until you write it down or try to explain it to someone else. You are starting to get some clarity but remember this man has been training you to expect abuse. it takes a long time to undo that training and to gain the confidence to leave.

Please do call the domestic abuse hotline someone linked above, explain your situation, ask for help.

What friends or contacts do you have locally, is there anyone you can talk to?

You might have to face starting your life over again in Germany on your own, without your partner, if moving back to the UK proves too difficult. But believe me, breaking out on your own in a foreign country is far preferable to living with an abuser--I know because I did it too. You can get there and your life will be so much better when you aren't treated like a piece of meat by this man-child.

And, as others have said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your sex drive! I'd be more worried if you actually enjoyed having sex with this guy.

I found this link, might be helpful:
handbookgermany.de/en/rights-laws/domestic-violence.html
Hope you can get away from this awful man. There is lots of help available in Germany.

Thank you everyone - the links are especially useful. I'm not going to do anything rash - although I will get the children's passports sorted out. Mine is valid until 2020.

I know now that this isn't right and I want to get out,for mine and my children's wellbeing. This has to stop.

As for friends or contacts here - nobody I'm afraid. Just the odd school mum type person,but nobody I could confide in - everything kind of became about him and his family.

I feel good thinking about how the future could be,away from him. We've been together for ten years and I don't think I could survive another ten.

I'm going to do my research and see about what needs to be done, practically. And try to stay out of his way in the mean time! I'm actually going to a baby group tomorrow...first kind of group I've ever been to here.

I wish he wasn't here all of the time,but I'll just do lots of little trips with the children, snowsuits at the ready :)

OP the feelings you describe about not wanting to upset him etc are the exact things I went through and I eventually left him. It took a lot of planning but I got there and my life is so much better now. You will get there, one step at a time xx

I am so glad you are getting it together op, and the scales are falling from your eyes. You sound like you have a good plan.

This guy sounds like hes shit in bed no wonder you don't want to sleep with him. He probably thinks the ass/vag grabbing is the right way to turn you on. what a twat.

OP I am in Germany too. I will pm you

You're getting some good advice here. Re your MIL having the passport - can you lie and say the British authorities need sight of it for child benefit purposes (or something) with Brexit looming? I think you mentioned earlier you claimed benefits here, or am I mistaken? What's your partner's job that takes him away from home?

I hope you enjoy the baby group tomorrow op. You have been on my mind today. Your MIL sounds awful, I feel for you. It looks like you have been given some really good advice here, i think it would be a good idea for you too get legal advice.

Thank you everyone,the support and advice is invaluable.

In answer to some questions - I receive child benefit for my son,but nothing else. My partner is an event technician,which takes him all over the world.

I'm feeling positive, I know it's a long road ahead,but it's one I want to and have to take.

I'm feeling positive, I know it's a long road ahead,but it's one I want to and have to take.

I’m so happy for you now, Saminsachs. It feels good to have made the decision now, doesn’t it? You’re taking back control and any time you feel that it gets too difficult, please come back to us and we’ll encourage you, the best we can.

Please make sure he has no way of finding out that you’re on Mumsnet as we had men track down their wives/partners threads before and use it against them. Cover up all your tracts and wipe your history. It will be a long tunnel ahead but the light at the end will be worth it.

Glad others are now providing help sources for Germany for you.

Definitely plan (secretly) because that makes it more likely you'll be able to stay away.

I hope you're able through the various links we've provided to get the help you need.

I lived in Germany for a time also, I hope I'm right in thinking that such a man would be dealt with by the authorities there as he should be. Perhaps that is something that may be helpful to you.

Sexual coercion. It's also called coercive rape. My last long-term ex did this to me and in the end there was one particular bad session I forced myself to go through for him which left me in agony because he caused me pain down there, I cried into the pillow and threw up after he finished. Thus rendering mt forcing myself through it for peace, a total waste of effort.

@CaptainMarvelDanvers that's it exactly, for me. I lost my sex drive, which was once avid, when with the ex I've just mentioned. He left the entire emotional load to me. With my own two kids, having another three full-time (his) and himself to be organising constantly, it was too much and I had absolutely no drive. But it didn't help that he was so forceful, and sulked so badly if he didn't get any.

Jeez. I didn't think I'd get my drive back but I'm with someone amazing now and we've just bought a flat together. All of a sudden, my drive is returning because I feel safe, secure, loved, important and he never pressures me for anything. It's actually me who is starting to gag for it, where as this is the first time he's had cohabited so he's lost HIS drive while he's settling in. But this isn't an issue. We have intimacy, we kiss, we cuddle, we joke, we support each other.

I would seriously talk things through with him. If that doesn't go down well, then I'd fall to.womens aid and ask what advice they give women in this situation.

Crap, I think I skipped a page of posts. Sorry.

I'm so glad you're looking into leaving.

If you contact that organisation someone linked you to above, they should have some advice on the passport you can't get from your MIL.

I had to carefully plan leaving my youngests father, it was hard but I kept a few things packed in well hidden bags inside boxes, made sure all important documents were in there.

You've been so strong. You can do this. And then that freedom will feel beautiful.

Could you report the passport lost or stolen and apply for a new one? The risk would then be him seeing the new one arrive, though...

Hmm Sloth makes a good point. Can you rent a PO Box type thing? Or have it delivered to one of those pick up points that we have here in the UK in shopping malls?

SO thrilled that you sound so much more positive. Be brave......it will be worth more than you ever believe to be free of this monster.