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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner won't stop pestering me for sex

304 replies

Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 11:31

My partner has a huge sex drive. We have a four month old baby and tbh,I have not been at all in the mood since giving birth. I wasn't before either,but I had sex with him to keep the peace,as he goes on and on and on about it and gets in a terrible mood.

Anyway,he's been away working for ten days and got back last night and wanted sex straight away. He didn't want to talk,just,as he puts it 'get laid' I was tired and kept on saying no and when he realised he wasn't going to get sex,he just went on the computer.

This morning,he's been on and on about it and even started unbuttoning his trousers, wanting a 'quickie' when our baby was right there next to him in his bouncy chair.

It's all he wants,but I just don't want to...not all the time. I just do it to make him stop pestering me. I could actually in all honesty very happily live without it. But I also hope that if I say yes and do it,it'll satisfy him for a few days...but it never does.

Aibu?

OP posts:
MumW · 08/01/2019 21:16

about an hour ago he called me a bitch and said that I don't respect him. Shock
Pot, Kettle, Black.

From where I'm standing he is being abusive on so many fronts.
You're clearly uncomfotable in his presence and feel uncomfortable about this being the rest of your life. He sees you as nothing more than a sex toy and is using your children, money and the fact you are abroad to mistreat and control you.

You shouldn't be providing everything for your children. Demand some housekeeping.
Get your ducks in a row, build up a nest egg, gather paperwork so that if/when you find the courage to leave, you are ready to go.

If his sex drive is that high, do you think there is a chance he's playing away? If so, get yourself checked out.

Flowers
OdeToDiazepam · 08/01/2019 21:18

Does he ever get angry when you say no?

OdeToDiazepam · 08/01/2019 21:22

This sounds very similar to the situation I was in (search becoming anxious about sex) I came on here because my ex was showing similar behaviour to your partner, I was told, quite rightly that it's sexual abuse.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to leave at the time and he went on to rape me as predicted by other posters. It's horrendous having to go through reporting that to police. Don't end up like me

PositivelyPERF · 08/01/2019 21:22

I can understand why you don’t want to rush into leaving, but it would be good if you start making plans and find out where you stand, legally with regard to moving the children to England. You need to keep your plans completely secret from EVERYONE, other than your own solicitor, (don’t use one that may know him) so it doesn’t get back to your husband. The most dangerous time is when they find out your leaving. Start photocopying ANY and all financial papers that relate to him, even if you think they’re not important. You never know what you may need later.

Make sure you start removing money from your account so you have cash and keep hold of your and the children’s passport. Record every incident of past abuse, including the bullying for sex, and go to your doctor to have any further abuse recorded. Take photos of any marks, no matter how small.

The benefit of him leaving for work, is that you can get away safely, but please do leave. This is a horrible environment for your children to grow up in.

AliceScarlett · 08/01/2019 21:26

Don't allow your children to learn that this is normal behaviour. The cycle of abuse will just continue.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/01/2019 21:30

His behaviour is revolting. Time to get advice on where you stand in terms of child custody, child maintenance, benefits and split of any assets.

RayRayBidet · 08/01/2019 21:31

OP I would suggest that you try to get legal advice in another town from where you are living. If it is one of the countries I'm thinking of then it's best so he doesn't get wind of it.
Can you try and find out discreetly what support is available where you are?
When he goes away again for work you have time to get your stuff together and get out of there, at least to somewhere safe in the country you are in.

Thisnamechanger · 08/01/2019 21:40

OP you poor old thing. But you must get yourself and your babies away from that awful man!

whymewhyme · 08/01/2019 21:49

I'd be telling him to piss right off!!

AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2019 21:55

But I don't want to go to stay with her - she is remarried with her own life now and I have a lot of issues with her from childhood

But sometimes we must choose the lesser of two evils, love. I'm not saying to do anything rash. Obvs any move involving taking children away from the other parent needs to be thought through very carefully from a logistical and legal standpoint. But don't disregard any 'safe haven' out of hand because of things that happened in the past. You are an adult now, not that frightened child any longer. I'm not going to ask what your childhood issues are with your mum. It is none of my business and it is your decision as to what is a deal breaker with her. I'm just saying to think them over carefully and see if it's something that is an absolute bar to returning to her house, or if it's something you could tolerate as a temporary jumping off point to getting your own place.

What is the 'position' on DV where you live? Is it taken seriously and prosecuted? Or is it still the 'dark ages' of it being considered a 'family issue'? Because you really need to report any incidents to the police.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2019 21:58

It also sounds as if your mum has the measure of him. She may be very willing to help you if you decide to reach out.

You may have to hear 'I told you so', but it's so worth it! Trust me, I speak from experience on that one! My parents warned me about my x-H and the day came when I called and said "You were right!!!".

JustDanceAddict · 08/01/2019 22:01

That’s not flattering, it’s gross. I’m sure if he made an effort to ‘woo’ you into bed you might feel more inclined. Undoing his flies in front of the baby is grim.

AssassinatedBeauty · 08/01/2019 22:03

The thing is though that Saminsachs can't take the children abroad without her husband's agreement. If she does he could pursue it legally and push for a child abduction case. It is more realistic to look at how to separate or leave within her current country.

MistressDeeCee · 08/01/2019 22:04

YANBU re his high sex drive, it must be really difficult to live with. A real turn-off. There's nothing sexy about being pestered.

YABU in that you'd have known soon enough after you got with him that he had a high sex drive, and you likely went along with it because you like/love him. I can't imagine there's some sudden 'happening' that's hugely increased his sex drive just lately.

You said you went along with it before. It's always best to speak up and sort incompatible sex drives early on in relationship. Dont fake. As you see now, it leads to misunderstanding and unpleasantness.

He does need to take into account you've just had a baby so there's the tiredness that goes with all that.

I hope you talk it over and get it sorted now.

AssassinatedBeauty · 08/01/2019 22:07

@MistressDeeCee RTFT...

"As you see now, it leads to misunderstanding and unpleasantness." - this is so wrong. Nothing the OP has done justifies her husband physically assaulting her, sexually assaulting her, emotionally abusing her, financially abusing her and the rest. It's not a question of two equal partners having a mismatched sex drive.

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 08/01/2019 22:07

MistressDeeCee read the rest of the thread.

MistressDeeCee · 08/01/2019 22:26

Assassinated I'm not justifying at all - not coming from that angle.

I just feel these men show signs s few months into relationship, may be a small sign but it's there. It's not about the woman being to blame

As to the rest seems OP shouldn't be there

NotANotMan · 08/01/2019 22:50

So because the guy probably showed signs of being abusive earlier in the relationship the OP is to blame for not leaving him? Nice

SilverySurfer · 08/01/2019 23:02

Op, I'm really shocked to read your updates. The man sexually and physically abuses you - it's horrific.

Please ask MNHQ to moved your thread to the Relationships Board. There are many wise posters on there, some of whom have been through what you are currently experiencing and are safely out the other side.

No-one is suggesting it's easy to get up and leave immediately but you can start to plan for a better life for you and your children which will be made slightly easier as he is planning to be away for ten days. Use that to your advantage. Gather documents together - financial, passports etc and find a safe hiding place for them.

Please take care and let us know that you are ok.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 08/01/2019 23:20

He was violent to you while you were pregnant!
That is beyond disgusting.

He has no concern for you or for the children and he is violent. Please make plans to get yourself and your children away from this loathsome man.

BunsOfAnarchy · 08/01/2019 23:32

Oh my god OP. Your updates get worse and worse.

You need to leave this horrible situation as fast as possible. Get in touch with local authorities where you live now and same in the UK. You WILL find a way to move back.

What an awful situation to be in. Do it for yourself and do it for your children. This is not a father figure for them. He is emotionally, sexually and physically abusing you. You need to leave x

BunsOfAnarchy · 08/01/2019 23:38

@MistressDeeCee yes you are justifying. Youre practically saying its OPs fault for not picking up on it earlier and its lead to a misunderstanding.

Yes because misunderstanding can lead to op experiencing unconsented continual vaginal touching and repeated violent outbursts where he will physically abuse her. Because she didnt communicate their sex drives arw different early enough. Not the fact that her DH is a fucking diabolical peice of shit Hmm

HomeEdRocks18 · 08/01/2019 23:43

Punch him in the balls and make him sleep in a different room

sweetkitty · 08/01/2019 23:54

Do you want this to be your life for the next 20-30 years or more?

Your daughter growing up thinking it’s OK for men to treat her like shit and your son to grow up to abuse women?

Get the fuck out of there now.

SilverySurfer · 08/01/2019 23:55

HomeEdRocks18
Punch him in the balls and make him sleep in a different room

He has already hit Saminsachs on several occasions - what do you think your suggestion would achieve?

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