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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner won't stop pestering me for sex

304 replies

Saminsachs · 08/01/2019 11:31

My partner has a huge sex drive. We have a four month old baby and tbh,I have not been at all in the mood since giving birth. I wasn't before either,but I had sex with him to keep the peace,as he goes on and on and on about it and gets in a terrible mood.

Anyway,he's been away working for ten days and got back last night and wanted sex straight away. He didn't want to talk,just,as he puts it 'get laid' I was tired and kept on saying no and when he realised he wasn't going to get sex,he just went on the computer.

This morning,he's been on and on about it and even started unbuttoning his trousers, wanting a 'quickie' when our baby was right there next to him in his bouncy chair.

It's all he wants,but I just don't want to...not all the time. I just do it to make him stop pestering me. I could actually in all honesty very happily live without it. But I also hope that if I say yes and do it,it'll satisfy him for a few days...but it never does.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Saminsachs · 10/01/2019 17:37

Thank you all so much! I'm unbelievably thankful that you're here. Things have taken a bit of a turn for the worse here, I can't talk right now,but I'd love to talk to you all again later this evening, if anyone's about,and still interested?! I'll write it all out later.

OP posts:
ThatsNotNiceRoger · 10/01/2019 17:41

We’re here.

Slothslothsloth · 10/01/2019 17:52

We’re here, OP! Talk to us whenever you need Flowers Hope you’re still safe despite the turn for the worse.

Slothslothsloth · 10/01/2019 17:55

Btw OP I second the suggestion someone made before about getting this moved to the relationships board if you can. There are more women there with direct experience pf abusive relationships, and the board is a bit less busy than AIBU so it might be easier to keep your post on the front page and get the attention it needs to give you ongoing support while you work out your next move.

If you do decide to move it, I think you can do it by reporting the post and putting in the comments that you want it moved to relationships.

RabbityMcRabbit · 10/01/2019 18:22

I'm here x

Cutesbabasmummy · 10/01/2019 18:27

Sending hugs op. He's an arsehole xx

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2019 19:24

I'll be around until the wee hours, your time. I'm in the US, so it's only lunchtime here!

AssassinatedBeauty · 10/01/2019 20:22

I'll be around as well Thanks

RayRayBidet · 10/01/2019 20:26

Hope you are OK, thinking of you Flowers

Original poster
Saminsachs · 10/01/2019 21:30

Thank you Flowers

I don't know if it's because of you all telling me this is basically abuse and not normal behaviour, but it's like I'm seeing him clearly now and he is absolutely vile - literally everything he says is an insult,or a criticism,or more often than not,a disgusting innuendo. He controls what I eat,what I drink,what I wear. My lips are a bit dry at the meeting moment and I put some lipbalm on, which happened to be tinted,and I didn't hear the end of it! He thought it was lipstick and why would I be wearing that other than to attract a guy?!

He's just been on and on and on at me all day long! I'm exhausted from it and I completely broke down in tears infront of him earlier and he called me a pansy. Then I found myself apologising to him! Wtf?! Said that I was just tired because of the baby. I think I just wanted him to stop,to leave me alone. But it's like he plays with my mind. I asked him if he realised that he'd basically spent the whole day saying horrible things to me. He asked me what I wanted him to say to me. I said that I wasn't going to force him to say something nice to me,because that would be insincere. He just kind of snarled at me and then asked if he could 'do me from behind'

Anyway, I've done a lot of hard thinking and researching and I think that leaving the country will do more harm than good at the moment,that isn't a viable option right now. And I need something immediately. The stress this is causing me!

I mean,I want to do things properly and as pain-free as possible. I don't want to just run and get into all sorts of trouble and have that used against me.

I saw something that might be an option though,just as a temporary breather. There is something here called a 'Kur' It's basically a 3 week retreat for morhers/fathers with up to two children. You need to go to your doctors and say that you are suffering from stress,or are in a bad situation or not coping and then he basically signs something to say that he recommends this 'Kur' and it's usually in a nice location...by a sea or something,and you get 3 weeks of different therapies and help with the children etc. And my insurance would cover the costs. So I think this could be a good opportunity for a break and a rethink and a change of scenery and maybe some people who could offer some advice.

And I think I could sell it to my partner , say that it's just a retreat that is offered to new parents,that kind of thing. He might even be away anyway.

I will do some more research into my options,I'm just very tired and a feeling a bit downcast at the moment.

I really appreciate you all being there

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2019 21:38

The kur is a great idea without him. Yiu don't need his permission or sell it to him. You have to do it alone now, he does nit have your back, he is absusive, gaslighting, vile and nasty. Use the kur to get yiur head together and get support to leave him.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2019 21:40

It has gone past tge point of no return, he is a danger to you and your child. I can see why you acted the way you did, to answer back or retaliate, coukd make him even angrier and lash out. You had to do what you had to do to protect yourself.

RayRayBidet · 10/01/2019 21:44

That's a great idea, it would actually be therapeutic and give you some space and a break from the kids.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 10/01/2019 21:48

That's sounds wonderful.

AssassinatedBeauty · 10/01/2019 21:50

The Kur sounds like a really good idea. I hope your doctor can organise that for you.

I'm sorry you're having to put up with such disgusting and selfish behaviour from your husband. He is truly vile. Do whatever you need to do to stay safe.

cestlavielife · 10/01/2019 21:53

Take your baby and go to the kur

Find a way while there to leave this vile man.

cestlavielife · 10/01/2019 21:54

Please be careful though... he may seem li k e he doesn't lik e you much but he won't go quietly either. Nor let you go. Get advice and support to leave safely.

RabbityMcRabbit · 10/01/2019 21:56

The Kur is a good idea. You reacting the way you did was good, because if you suddenly start acting differently he will suspect something is up, which you don't want xx

Slothslothsloth · 10/01/2019 22:15

The Kur sounds like it will be great! So long as you can do it without arousing his suspicions that you may be planning to leave. I think saying it’s offered to all new parents is very smart.

Three weeks without him will make it even clearer to you how much better off you’d be without him (though you already know that) and might give you an extra boost to get out of the relationship as soon as you can, if it’s needed.

I’m sorry he talks to you so disrespectfully. Always remember that nothing he says about you is true. You are a million times the person he is. He’s a terrible person and his thoughts are completely irrelevant.

You’re being very wise to take things carefully. I know you might not love Germany, or might have negative feelings about it because of him, or just want to get back to the UK as it’s home. But as places to be stuck for a while go, Germany is really not so bad. And it will be so much better without him.

Rosielily · 11/01/2019 00:26

Glad you've started to make plans. Was his mother around yesterday when he behaved like this to you?

justilou1 · 11/01/2019 00:35

I think you need to tell him that if he keeps touching you like this and speaking to you like this, you are going to call the police. This is horrible. You are a person, not a robot.

Weenurse · 11/01/2019 00:49

Go to your doctor and tell them everything. They will be able to offer advice

violetbunny · 11/01/2019 05:53

Sorry but I have to disagree, I do not think the Kur with him sounds like a good idea at all. Counselling/therapy is not a good idea in abusive relationships (and he is most definitely abusive): www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/

OP, if you haven't read it already, please read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. You are just starting to open your eyes to how abusive he is, and I truly think this will help you. But you need to make a plan to get away from this man. If there are any domestic abuse charities local to you then please, please get in touch for some support.

AssassinatedBeauty · 11/01/2019 06:53

I think that Saminsachs was thinking of doing the Kur with just her and the children, not with him coming along as well.

Lweji · 11/01/2019 07:11

What happens if he wants go go to the kur too?

I'm sure they have proper refuges and laws on domestic abuse. I'm sure there's hot lines too.