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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Issue with school mum and cleaner

346 replies

hopefullyhelpfully · 07/01/2019 12:22

I've been struggling to find a good cleaner for a while now, so a school mum friend (occasional drinks and coffees, children in same friendship group, same team in PTA quiz etc) gave me contact details for her cleaner and said I could see if she had any availability. She did, and she's been cleaning for 4 months now and is amazing! She works the time she's paid for, notices and does little extras, irons and is generally marvellous.
At Christmas she had the week off but I paid her (have always paid holiday pay to cleaners) and have her some chocolate- and a small outfit for daughter's new baby- nothing extravagant.
She recently announced that she'd be reducing her cleaning hours as she's going to be looking after her daughter's baby when her daughter goes back to work. She's given notice to school mum friend and not to me, and friend is furious. Friend called me and said that as she'd recommended the cleaner, and she'd been working for her a lot longer then I needed to tell her that we didn't need her any more! Apparently I must have found out about her planned reduction in hours which is why I paid holiday pay and gave presents etc, and I have essentially been sneaky. Tbh I genuinely didn't know as I'm not often there when she comes and I thought everyone paid extra at Christmas and holidays! It's also worth pointing out that my children are older, we're all out of the house when she cleans, we're generally tidy and I'm not especially demanding, none of which is the case for my friend.
Now I was perfectly prepared to ignore her- lovely cleaner has agency over her own life and this is all a bit mad. However she's been telling all our mutual friends that I've "stolen" the cleaner by paying her more (we pay the same) and that losing her is exacerbating her stress and PND (youngest is 5 and she's never mentioned PND in the 11 years I've known her.) There's a lot of other stuff but it boils down to, "heartless full time working parent bribes critical help and support away from vulnerable friend to facilitate her career." I'm the only working mum out of the group so she's got a lot of time to develop the narrative and I'm not there to counter it.

Now to the AIBU- this is impacting DS as he's close friends with her son and the children of her friends. He's not being invited to Friday play dates as we all usually have a glass of wine when picking up and apparently, "it'll be uncomfortable."
I can't have DS impacted, so I'm planning on doing as she asks, firing cleaner and trying to salvage this. However DH says it's unreasonable and unfair to the cleaner. Who's unreasonable?

OP posts:
angelfacecuti75 · 10/01/2019 03:48

I think maybe just tell her the truth to friend is the easiest way. Dear "Julie "(dunno why i chose that name sorry), I hear that you are upset about losing "cleaners name here" and have heard from others that you are extremely upset re' it. I just wanted to say I genuinely didn't know as we are out of the house when she cleans when im at work and rarely get 2 speak to her. Whilst i appreciate you are upset, i honest when i say i knew nothing about it and gave Christmas presents as a sign of my appreciation not to hurt you in anyway. I cannot control who she wants to work for or doesn't it is her choice. Whilst i can appreciate you're upset i intend 2 keep her on as she is good and does a good job . Please can you speak to me if u have an issue though as i am hurt that you'd speak to others and not to me. Please know that 2 hurt u wasn't my intention."

KC225 · 10/01/2019 07:05

What happened on the Dad's drink?

billybagpuss · 10/01/2019 07:44

How did the dads get on I bet they never even mentioned it?

hopefullyhelpfully · 10/01/2019 09:35

In case anyone is still interested DH had drinks with some of the fathers last night.
He invited 2 dads from the group of boys DS plays with, and they invited a few others from the friendship group, and, shockingly, “outsiders”. It seems the Dads are a lot less cliquey! The husband of mad friend apparently knew about it but was busy. Hummm.

DH, who worries socially and is quite shy (like his son) was dreading it a bit but actually managed to have a good time. Came home quite chirpy, and they have plans to make it a regular monthly thing so some good has come of this. He also heard about a good lego club being run quite locally that is just up DSs street and is attended by some non clique boys, so we may have some other friendship options.

Now, onto the interesting bit. After an hour with no mention of cleaner-gate DH just assumed non of them knew about it, so relaxed. Then, cheeky dad, (the one who sent the “controversial” text) just came straight out and asked what the hell was going on! DH was a bit nonplussed but said that as far as he knew we’d both had the same cleaner, she dropped mad friend not us and mad friend wanted us to fire her so she could get her back.... Then they asked how much it had cost! They didn’t seem upset (few were grinning), more impressed with our go-getting approach.... DH was confused and asked what they meant and it seems like they were all under the impression we’d paid her a bonus to stay, plus agreed on more money AND insisted on switching days which meant cleaner had to give up mad friend as days clashed. DH just laughed, said no bonus except Xmas pay, rate and time still the same. His obvious lack of social smoothness probably helped him here- people always believe him because he’s so plainly going to be horrible at lying. He’s a peacemaker though and so just said that he assumed she kept us as we were easier to clean for and no other reason.

DH said a few seemed a bit surprised about it. It looks like it had been quite the topic of conversation. Honestly, how can people care so much about another families cleaner? It just shows the hold mad friend has on her clique. DH just moved the conversation on, but, later on in the evening, cheeky dad (who obviously had a small axe of his own to grind) told a relatively uncomplimentary story about mad friend using his wife to run her children to clubs without reciprocating or sending them with snacks or a drink, and there were a few supportive mutterings and apparently an “eye roll”.

I’m going to leave it now. DS had lunch with his friends yesterday (the boys don’t seem to have been told not to play with him in school, so it could just be no more after school play dates for DS), but he then spent the rest of lunch time with the nice boy who’s coming for a play date as they were planning the minecraft thing they’re going to do. I’m hopeful about lego club, and interested to see what happens with the other mums once word gets back.

Finally, I came home today and lovely cleaner had been. House immaculate, plus she has somehow managed to find the missing bit of the Dyson that was lost over Xmas and had taken all the recycling out. She’s a much better long term prospect than mad friend!

Thanks for all your comments- most of you are lovely!

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 10/01/2019 09:41

Well that's worked out a treat. Fair play to your Dh for organising the meet up. Don't you know they'll all have gone home to their wives and told the true side of the story, leaving mad friend looking like a right bitch. Result! Hope your Ds enjoys the Lego club.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/01/2019 09:44

Great news and fantastic about the logo club.

justilou1 · 10/01/2019 09:44

Awesomely played, OP and OP’s DH!!! (And of course, lovely cleaner!!!)

LL83 · 10/01/2019 09:45

Brilliant update OP. I agree with other posters sacking cleaner would never have resolved this anyway.

Glad DP's socialising with dad's and managed to tell the other side of the story. I am sure this will blow over. Good son has other playdates and Lego thing, hopefully makes missing Friday playdates easier.

Mad friend is awful, and I am sure eventually isolate others in the group too. Who would ever exclude a child over this. You are far better off without her.

user1457017537 · 10/01/2019 09:45

Well done on a good outcome.

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 10/01/2019 09:46

You made the right choice op!!
We all had faith you would!

drspouse · 10/01/2019 10:06

Honestly, how can people care so much about another families cleaner?

Well clearly a lot of people on MN but you already knew we had too much time on our hands!

Glad it's got sorted out and well done to your DH. My DH is similar and would find it v hard to ask other dads out for a drink. I think there needs to be a Shy Dads Online Drinking Match Service or something, where they can tick the football team they support and whether they are interested in trains, are a MAMIL, or what.

DarlingNikita · 10/01/2019 10:07

Good outcome, OP.

Honestly, how can people care so much about another families cleaner?

I know Hmm They just all need lives.

BerylStreep · 10/01/2019 10:21

You could shake things up and tell people that you're setting your sights on her window cleaner next, possibly followed by her gardener.

Actually, the same happened to me, but the other way round. I recommended our lovely cleaner to a friend. After a year or so, our cleaner had to give us up because of bad knees, but kept on with friend because her DH could give her a lift to that job. I did tease my friend a bit, but we laughed about it and got on with things.

DarlingNikita · 10/01/2019 10:28

You could shake things up and tell people that you're setting your sights on her window cleaner next, possibly followed by her gardener.

Grin

Great idea.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 10/01/2019 10:33

she's unreasonable. Its a madness. But tell the cow you've changed cleaners and then pay the cleaner more :) that way you can keep your good cleaner and you get the last silent laugh :) That will teach her to call you sneaky

Elsie1966 · 10/01/2019 10:42

A good outcome and I'm so happy you didn't give in to neurotic friend Smile

UserMe18 · 10/01/2019 10:46

How does the "friend" know about holiday pay and presents? Surely that's between you and the cleaner?

MarthasGinYard · 10/01/2019 10:47

'How does the "friend" know about holiday pay and presents? Surely that's between you and the cleaner?'

I wondered this

Clutterbugsmum · 10/01/2019 11:20

DH just moved the conversation on, but, later on in the evening, cheeky dad (who obviously had a small axe of his own to grind) told a relatively uncomplimentary story about mad friend using his wife to run her children to clubs without reciprocating or sending them with snacks or a drink, and there were a few supportive mutterings and apparently an “eye roll”. Well then they all know mad friend has form for treating her 'friends' as her personal 'help'.

So at least you now know that you did nothing wrong.

hopefullyhelpfully · 10/01/2019 11:36

People who asked how she knew about cash..... it's my fault. I sent a text to friend before Xmas along the lines of
"Thanks for recommending xxxx- she's a marvel. What do you usually do over Xmas? Was thinking one weeks money? Also, fancy going halves on pressie for new granddaughter?"

Ironically I was worried about looking cheap.

Response was essentially "nothing- she's self employed" and didn't reference the pressie. So I left it.

OP posts:
UserMe18 · 10/01/2019 11:40

Missing the point entirely but it does feel like you're goading her a bit with "look what I'm doing for her" why would you go halves on a present? Surely you'd just get her one from your own family? I get asking her what she does at Christmas, but the going halves thing feels less..."natural"

That's not to say I think she's being reasonable, but am finding it odd how much she knows considering you're not besties.

hopefullyhelpfully · 10/01/2019 11:40

drspouse I quite the idea of a shy spouse dating agency but realistically they'd all be too diffident to join! And I don't think DH would have many matches which might be even worse. Anyone else's partner like playing jazz clarinet and doing woodwork? 😃

OP posts:
drspouse · 10/01/2019 11:44

My DH is a dab hand at woodwork but can't play anything...

Gribbie · 10/01/2019 11:52

Fantastic update.

My DH would be up for the jazz jam Grin

TeddybearBaby · 10/01/2019 11:57

Oh yay!! Great update 😁

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