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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Issue with school mum and cleaner

346 replies

hopefullyhelpfully · 07/01/2019 12:22

I've been struggling to find a good cleaner for a while now, so a school mum friend (occasional drinks and coffees, children in same friendship group, same team in PTA quiz etc) gave me contact details for her cleaner and said I could see if she had any availability. She did, and she's been cleaning for 4 months now and is amazing! She works the time she's paid for, notices and does little extras, irons and is generally marvellous.
At Christmas she had the week off but I paid her (have always paid holiday pay to cleaners) and have her some chocolate- and a small outfit for daughter's new baby- nothing extravagant.
She recently announced that she'd be reducing her cleaning hours as she's going to be looking after her daughter's baby when her daughter goes back to work. She's given notice to school mum friend and not to me, and friend is furious. Friend called me and said that as she'd recommended the cleaner, and she'd been working for her a lot longer then I needed to tell her that we didn't need her any more! Apparently I must have found out about her planned reduction in hours which is why I paid holiday pay and gave presents etc, and I have essentially been sneaky. Tbh I genuinely didn't know as I'm not often there when she comes and I thought everyone paid extra at Christmas and holidays! It's also worth pointing out that my children are older, we're all out of the house when she cleans, we're generally tidy and I'm not especially demanding, none of which is the case for my friend.
Now I was perfectly prepared to ignore her- lovely cleaner has agency over her own life and this is all a bit mad. However she's been telling all our mutual friends that I've "stolen" the cleaner by paying her more (we pay the same) and that losing her is exacerbating her stress and PND (youngest is 5 and she's never mentioned PND in the 11 years I've known her.) There's a lot of other stuff but it boils down to, "heartless full time working parent bribes critical help and support away from vulnerable friend to facilitate her career." I'm the only working mum out of the group so she's got a lot of time to develop the narrative and I'm not there to counter it.

Now to the AIBU- this is impacting DS as he's close friends with her son and the children of her friends. He's not being invited to Friday play dates as we all usually have a glass of wine when picking up and apparently, "it'll be uncomfortable."
I can't have DS impacted, so I'm planning on doing as she asks, firing cleaner and trying to salvage this. However DH says it's unreasonable and unfair to the cleaner. Who's unreasonable?

OP posts:
HyggeHeart · 07/01/2019 12:49

If shes expecting free childcare its likely her clean was the first to go and would be the least likely to be salvaged if you sack the cleaner and she has space.

Ask the cleaner, if she says she would not pick up your friends cleaning again whatever happened with your clean, you can tell her that.

TeddybearBaby · 07/01/2019 12:49

So are the play dates at this particular woman’s house every Friday?

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 07/01/2019 12:49

You do your ds no service pandering to a bully. Which is what she is.
The cleaner sounds like a much nicer friend!
Keep the cleaner, bin the bitch!!

MrWolfknowsthetime · 07/01/2019 12:49

She’s being ridiculous. I’d keep the cleaner and find a club or activity for DS after school on Fridays so that he has something to head off to while the others are going to the play date.

Mumtothelittlefella · 07/01/2019 12:50

Does the cleaner even clean your houses on the same days? She’s likely to be wanting to drop days and the days she’s dropped happen to coincide with the day she cleans your ‘friends’ house? I’d ignore and keep your cleaner

SalmonLeBon · 07/01/2019 12:50

Presumably she is only going to be looking after her new granddaughter on certain days of the week and has therefore given notice to the people she cleaned for on those days?

Hissy · 07/01/2019 12:51

she'll go for a run when youngest is napping, leaving cleaner (who's still expecting to carry on cleaning) in charge.

^ This is the reason why the cleaner has binned the school mum, but rather than accept the blame for this, your school mum friend has to blame YOU.

If I were coparenting with someone who went off for a fucking run leaving the cleaner in charge when she is supposed to be, erm cleaning, I'd go ballistic!

Do not fire the cleaner, fire this overindulged whiney brat of a woman who needs to work out the definitions of (a) parent and (b) friend.

Your ds can make friends and you can invite friends to yours for friday playdates.

Be strong, your H is right here.

Cheerbear23 · 07/01/2019 12:51

Youre the better customer - plain & simple. Your out of the house when she’s there, tidier.
Although The running thing is probably what has clinched it, massive CF-rey there on behalf of your friend.
Mental health issue or not the cleaner is not unofficial childcare. She’s taken the piss I’m afraid.
My DH is S/E and he bins off cheeky or late paying customers at the first opportunity too. I’m not surprised she’s dropped her.

Celebelly · 07/01/2019 12:51

Don't fire the cleaner. This friendship is doomed – it's the cleaner this time, in a few months it'll be something else, and you'll just end up dancing to her tune, once she knows that you will.

Yes, it's not great for DS in the short-term, but the relationship you have with her is irrevocably damaged now anyway so I doubt it'll ever go back to happy jolly playdates and wine. She's been spreading malicious crap about you to other people –are you really going to sit there with a glass of Pinot Grigio and enjoy spending time with her? And I wouldn't be happy leaving my child with her for a playdate knowing what kind of person she is either or what she might be saying to them.

oh4forkssake · 07/01/2019 12:51

Agree with everyone else. Don't fire the cleaner. She doesn't want to go back to your friend anyway.

I'd do what you can to diffuse this. Just keep repeating the truth and add that it's not nice to punish the children. The kids will figure it out - and probably stay friends at school.

Could you organise a playdate after school on a Friday at yours and invite everyone?

SoaringSwallow · 07/01/2019 12:52

For all you we know, the new baby is a red herring and the cleaner only dropped one client 😂

Exactly this.
Maybe she has been looking for a reason for a while?

Don't drop the cleaner - she's good and she's done nothing wrong.

And she is not your friend's property!! It may be worth reminding people that the cleaner is running her own business and you have no influence on that.

I agree to with whoever said there's no way to salvage this. It bloody is awkward, but not because if you or the cleaner, but because of the woman making your/her former cleaner an issue with a whole load of other people.

And as for the other parents leaving a child out because of the housekeeping situation if one person..wth? Try and invite them over at other times.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 07/01/2019 12:52

I agree with the PP who said that you could do as CleanerZilla wants and fire your cleaner, but there’s no guarantee your son will be reinvited to play dates. She sounds like the sort of person who’d continue to exclude your son to be spiteful. That’s not to say that it mustn’t be hard to see your son hurt.

There’s also no guarantee that your cleaner will re-take up CleanerZilla as a client if you fire her. I bloody wouldn’t, she sounds like a nightmare.

Onehellofaride · 07/01/2019 12:52

Not ideal but can you explain the situation to the cleaner. Tell the school mum she is no longer cleaning for you and when school mum rings to ask for your slot cleaner can say she has decided not to refill it? Cleaner can then carry on as normal.

Hoppinggreen · 07/01/2019 12:52

Ok, so say you do what this loony wants and fire the cleaner ( who may or may not then take loony back on) and you get accepted back into the food and all is rosy
What happens next won’t do what she wants? People like that see niceness as weakness so she will continue to bully you ( and exclude your DS) unless you obey her every time. Unfortunately the rest of the sheep are following.
If you want to be her bitch to keep the status quo and stop your child being left out then go ahead ( we all do tough things to benefit our dc) but it would be much healthier and better for you and your son in the long run if you can find a different friendship group

Waddsup12 · 07/01/2019 12:52

The friend will still be irked with you and you'll have to find another cleaner.

I'd hatch a plot with cleaner possibly to make things easier. However, she's clearly fired friend, which is her right.

babysharkdoodoodoodoodoodoo · 07/01/2019 12:53

Your friend is totally unreasonable and probably jealous and pissed off that she's losing a cleaner/babysitter in one. Could you explain the situation to the cleaner and get her on your side, then tell your friend you're going to fire the cleaner because you don't want it to affect your friendship or your sons friendships but actually still have the cleaner come? How would your friend know if the cleaner is still coming to yours or not, unless you live on the same street or she's likely to start stalking the cleaner/your house?

Boulty · 07/01/2019 12:53

Keep the cleaner and dump the 'friend'

theoryBuilding · 07/01/2019 12:55

If I were your 'friend', I'd be really pissed off too. Really pissed off and I'd make sure to let others know the situation.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/01/2019 12:55

I'm not surprised the cleaner doesn't want to work for your friend any more. Imposing childcare on her? Bloody cheek!

Do NOT fire the cleaner. Instead, explain to your 'friend' why her behaviour is out of order. Tell her to stop spreading lies about you (e.g. paying more) and to shut the eff up! Stand up for yourself. This friendship is dead in the water now anyway.

krustykittens · 07/01/2019 12:55

Do you really want this woman using the children's friendships as a way to bully and control you for as long as your son wants to be friends with her children?! Please do not fire your cleaner, carry life on as normal and explain to your child that this woman is bat shit crazy and you are not giving into her manipulative ways. It will be a good life lesson for him!

TeddybearBaby · 07/01/2019 12:55

Also I’m not sure if I’ve missed it but how old is your son?

Ringdonna · 07/01/2019 12:55

Your friend is an unreasonable dick. Stand up to her and tell you will not be firing the cleaner.

costacoffeecup · 07/01/2019 12:56

Would be really unfair to be cleaner to fire her just because of stupid friend. Keeping her is the right thing to do.

FootballFan10 · 07/01/2019 12:57

Your friend is being ridiculous - don't fire the cleaner

Does the cleaner clean on the same days for you and friend? If not it's probably down the days she is needed to have the baby

AlaskanOilBaron · 07/01/2019 12:59

Jesus, does she imagine her cleaner is her chattel?

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