Issue with school mum and cleaner

[hopefullyhelpfully]

I've been struggling to find a good cleaner for a while now, so a school mum friend (occasional drinks and coffees, children in same friendship group, same team in PTA quiz etc) gave me contact details for her cleaner and said I could see if she had any availability. She did, and she's been cleaning for 4 months now and is amazing! She works the time she's paid for, notices and does little extras, irons and is generally marvellous.
At Christmas she had the week off but I paid her (have always paid holiday pay to cleaners) and have her some chocolate- and a small outfit for daughter's new baby- nothing extravagant.
She recently announced that she'd be reducing her cleaning hours as she's going to be looking after her daughter's baby when her daughter goes back to work. She's given notice to school mum friend and not to me, and friend is furious. Friend called me and said that as she'd recommended the cleaner, and she'd been working for her a lot longer then I needed to tell her that we didn't need her any more! Apparently I must have found out about her planned reduction in hours which is why I paid holiday pay and gave presents etc, and I have essentially been sneaky. Tbh I genuinely didn't know as I'm not often there when she comes and I thought everyone paid extra at Christmas and holidays! It's also worth pointing out that my children are older, we're all out of the house when she cleans, we're generally tidy and I'm not especially demanding, none of which is the case for my friend.
Now I was perfectly prepared to ignore her- lovely cleaner has agency over her own life and this is all a bit mad. However she's been telling all our mutual friends that I've "stolen" the cleaner by paying her more (we pay the same) and that losing her is exacerbating her stress and PND (youngest is 5 and she's never mentioned PND in the 11 years I've known her.) There's a lot of other stuff but it boils down to, "heartless full time working parent bribes critical help and support away from vulnerable friend to facilitate her career." I'm the only working mum out of the group so she's got a lot of time to develop the narrative and I'm not there to counter it.

Now to the AIBU- this is impacting DS as he's close friends with her son and the children of her friends. He's not being invited to Friday play dates as we all usually have a glass of wine when picking up and apparently, "it'll be uncomfortable."
I can't have DS impacted, so I'm planning on doing as she asks, firing cleaner and trying to salvage this. However DH says it's unreasonable and unfair to the cleaner. Who's unreasonable?

Don't fire the cleaner, a good one is like gold dust! However to those querying inconsistencies - my dd napped after school until 7 or 8! In fact she's at boarding school now and admits to napping in her frees (6th form)! As for dealing with other parents, to be honest most the school gate mums were quite frankly horrible, it was like they were still school girls gossiping and bitching! You find your group after a while (and still are friends long after kids went to secondary). Final bit of wisdom, never get a cleaner off someone else! for us it was due to her being terrible, really bad and I felt awkward letting her go (I lied in fact and said it was for money reasons). I hire my cleaners direct and never use an agency, love my current one though she's not cheap!

Why isn't this woman taking up her issue with the cleaner? Crazy.

I'm a self employed cleaner and I'm I've told a few little lies over the years when sacking clients. I can't simply say "you're a dirty bugger" "you never pay me on time" "you're an absolute pain in the arse sitting in the room I'm trying to clean"

I don't feel I need to give clients a explanation, it should be obvious to pay me on time, leave the room I'm cleaning and use a little bleach down your filfthy toilet in between me coming.

OP I applaud you paying your cleaner a weeks wage when she's off, believe me it'll be very much appreciated and shows you value her. Sack your friend not the cleaner.

Make it clear to the group that it was not your decision who your cleaner cleans for and to suggest anything else is ridiculous. Also make it clear you know you both paid the same rates.
Do not sack the cleaner, her professional decisions are not under your influence.
It could be that she has a larger house or one that takes longer and she only has a limited number of hours available. Who knows?
You know the truth and anyone who cares will know too. Let this one time itself out.

Good luck with the play dates op

Just to say - I used to pay my cleaner when she was off for Christmas week too, and give her a Christmas card and some chocolates. It felt fair for someone who spent hours in my house every week! So you haven’t done anything unusual.

saw your update OP- good news.

You don't control the cleaner's thoughts or choices about who she cleans for. The other mum has no right to be cross or angry with you about this situation- it's not your fault nor your concern. It's between her and the cleaner. To demand you sack the cleaner is totally unreasonable (and unlikely to mean she gets your slot instead in any case).

To then use your son to get at you is despicable. It's bullying of you AND your son and if she was decent person then she wouldn't do it. Her friends who can't invite your son as it would be awkward if you were there are as bad as her- do they not have minds of their own? Or are they also happy to bully a child to get to his mother because she has had the temerity to not give into their friends demands? In either case, your DS is probably better off outside this atmosphere- if they behave like this over a minor incident, I can only imagine how they might be over other issues.

@ninjawarriorsocks I got paid off two out of 12 of my clients so I don't think it's all that usual. Very kind and much appreciated though!

Can you son join cubs?
Or St. John's ambulance cadets?
Or a out of school art club?

Anything to widen his friendship group?

It feels like the friendship circle you're worried about would eventually tighten to exclude him anyway - esp if the mother is as manipulating as I suspect she is!

I know that she uses cleaner as informal childcare when she's round- so she'll go for a run when youngest is napping, leaving cleaner (who's still expecting to carry on cleaning) in charge

Pretty obvious why the cleaner dropped this user. I'm betting 'nanny' wasn't part of the description when she first took on the job.

Good for you. Cut this mad woman from your life

Realistically, if the mum is this way, do you WANT your son playing with her child? She sounds unhinged and I wouldn't leave my child alone with her.

Glad to hear you've decided to keep the cleaner and ditch the "friend". Who cleans for you is none of her business.

Haven't read the whole thread but I agree with the calls to NOT fire the cleaner. She doesn't want to work for your friend, very understandably.

I've always thought that a good cleaner is worth her weight in gold. I've always tried my best to look after them - I don't pay Christmas holiday but I do pay a Christmas bonus and also bring back little presents if we are away on holiday. You have invested in your cleaner, and it's paid off. She wants to stay with you. It will all blow over in due course and there is lots of good advice on here about how to manage the situation for your DS. Good luck, and bin the friend!

Friend is using the cleaner for childcare? No wonder she chose you.

No don't sack her! How can your friend stop you from going on Friday's? Can't you still go?

I wouldn’t worry about widening the dad’s drinks.

I might mention to the boys’ teacher that you’re worried about DS being excluded. Is there scope for you/DH to host those children?

I lost a friend over a cleaner. The friend accused me of stealing the cleaner, even though she only had the cleaner as I recommended her.

Our cleaner used the cutting hours excuse, but the truth was she didn’t like working for my friend. Friend would follow her, and expected her to keep a certain time free in case she needed her - but wouldn’t pay if she didn’t.

My cleaner is brilliant and I don’t regret losing the friend who became very irrational over it all.

Hmmm is the problem more the other mothers not offering invitations on the basis of “ in comfortableness ? Might it be worth setting up some play dates yourself to circumvent this ? Find a good excuse for a play date for a group of them ...

We had the very same thing happen us. We and a number of friends and even friends of friends used a wonderful cleaner for years in some cases. She had to cut back earlier this year for health reasons but kept us and another family on. Honestly we suspect it was coz it was an easier job in both our houses. She then left us but kept our friends. She was very open and said it was because our friends house is literally at a bus stop whereas she had a 15/20 walk to ours from the stop and that was too much for her. I was gutted to lose her, she was amazing! I absolutely would not let her go because of this other woman. It sounds unlikely she would swap her for ye, she'd have kept her as she's been with her longer in the first place I reckon if it was that. The informal childminding sounds more likely the reason.

She sounds like an emotional bully to me. Keep your cleaner, ditch your friend. You don’t need friends like that.

I think it'll all work out for the best. And your DS might even get some new friends out of it, sounds like it would be good to widen his social circle a bit. You're definitely doing the right thing.

She sounds unhinged. Perhaps this is why cleaner kept you on and not her 🙄. If she doesn't work, she doesn't really need a cleaner.😆

I agree you shouldn't get rid of your cleaner but I am also wondering how your 'friend' knows that you paid your cleaner over the holiday period? Did you tell her?

Welcome to the world of primary school mothers politics. Stay well away!

It is superficial and as proven here toxic.

Keep a wide berth of this woman. Invite other children to play with your son. Your group can’t include all the children in his year.

This behaviour will continue if you enable it. You can choose to not entertain her.

My cleaner recently reduced her hours and I know of many people she dropped. Makes no difference about the length of time she has worked for them. It is down to what works for her. Some families are harder work than others. I am thinking she may not be looking to reduce her hours anyway. Just ditch this woman!

The cleaner is free to work for who ever she likes!! If your ex friend had been a bit nicer to her maybe she would have
Choosen to stay with her!! Might be a life lesson to her treat people well and they stay!!