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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Issue with school mum and cleaner

346 replies

hopefullyhelpfully · 07/01/2019 12:22

I've been struggling to find a good cleaner for a while now, so a school mum friend (occasional drinks and coffees, children in same friendship group, same team in PTA quiz etc) gave me contact details for her cleaner and said I could see if she had any availability. She did, and she's been cleaning for 4 months now and is amazing! She works the time she's paid for, notices and does little extras, irons and is generally marvellous.
At Christmas she had the week off but I paid her (have always paid holiday pay to cleaners) and have her some chocolate- and a small outfit for daughter's new baby- nothing extravagant.
She recently announced that she'd be reducing her cleaning hours as she's going to be looking after her daughter's baby when her daughter goes back to work. She's given notice to school mum friend and not to me, and friend is furious. Friend called me and said that as she'd recommended the cleaner, and she'd been working for her a lot longer then I needed to tell her that we didn't need her any more! Apparently I must have found out about her planned reduction in hours which is why I paid holiday pay and gave presents etc, and I have essentially been sneaky. Tbh I genuinely didn't know as I'm not often there when she comes and I thought everyone paid extra at Christmas and holidays! It's also worth pointing out that my children are older, we're all out of the house when she cleans, we're generally tidy and I'm not especially demanding, none of which is the case for my friend.
Now I was perfectly prepared to ignore her- lovely cleaner has agency over her own life and this is all a bit mad. However she's been telling all our mutual friends that I've "stolen" the cleaner by paying her more (we pay the same) and that losing her is exacerbating her stress and PND (youngest is 5 and she's never mentioned PND in the 11 years I've known her.) There's a lot of other stuff but it boils down to, "heartless full time working parent bribes critical help and support away from vulnerable friend to facilitate her career." I'm the only working mum out of the group so she's got a lot of time to develop the narrative and I'm not there to counter it.

Now to the AIBU- this is impacting DS as he's close friends with her son and the children of her friends. He's not being invited to Friday play dates as we all usually have a glass of wine when picking up and apparently, "it'll be uncomfortable."
I can't have DS impacted, so I'm planning on doing as she asks, firing cleaner and trying to salvage this. However DH says it's unreasonable and unfair to the cleaner. Who's unreasonable?

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 08/01/2019 17:56

No need to be anxious about the Dads. "Controversial" is clearly in reference to breaking Dry January, and getting more people probably means more Dads. Don't stress about that.

caringcarer · 08/01/2019 18:00

Never ever ever fire a good cleaner. They are too hard to come by. I pay our cleaner her normal hours to cover holidays and gave her Pub eating out voucher to take her family out for dinner. My cleaner makes my life easier and no way on the planet would I risk losing her. I am feeling sick just at the thought of losing her. Seriously we have had a number of cleaners, two have been really good, cleaning inside of windows, ironing and just noticing what needs to be done and getting on with it without me having to leave lists or hover over them. I have had three not so good ones, one who would leave early when I was not there and the house lacked the sparkle. I would unashamedly pay more to good ones to keep them even paying more than going rate to keep them happy and I offer perks like staying in our holiday home when we are not using it for a week each year. I do everything i can so if our cleaner gives up some jobs I would be kept on. Your friend should treat the cleaner better and pay her holiday pay then she may not be losing her.

Littleraindrop15 · 08/01/2019 18:02

Can you not spin a little white lie and say the cleaner has given you notice as well??? She will then have no issues with you..

Get the cleaner in the loop with what has happened and let cleaner continue to do the job without telling your friend.

ballsdeep · 08/01/2019 18:03

Her behaviour is disgusting!! I wouldn't want to clean for her either the cheeky cow.
I bet she has wanted to get rid for ages and now she has an excise. Don't give her up, it's nothing to do with you who she decides to keep on.

MumUnderTheMoon · 08/01/2019 18:10

Even if you fire the cleaner it doesn't mean she'll not quit working for your "friend". Also you can steal her she isn't a slave. I'd seriously consider your need to please this woman she sounds like the most horrible bully also any reasonable person that you know in common should recognise her childish ranting for the bullshit it is.

DarlingNikita · 08/01/2019 18:14

Littleraindrop15, that's terrible advice. Quite apart from the morality of the OP telling a 'white lie', why on earth do you think it would be acceptable to ask the cleaner to be implicated?

nisagrl · 08/01/2019 18:20

If the agreement you've got is between you and the cleaner, it doesn't have anything to do with your friend how much you pay her or how she's sorting her schedule. If you were to actually pay the cleaner more would your friend have to do the same thing? Of course not - it would be as per their agreement, not yours. If the cleaner would have been rubbish, would you have kept her just because she cleans your friend's house? Again I assume not. So why this should be different? Moreover I assume you're paying the cleaner from your money (family pot) rather than your friends money -so why should someone dictate how you choose to spend your money?
My opinion is that you should do whatever is in your own best interest as your friend is currently doing the same - would be your loss and your friends gain should the cleaner have no input in this and your friend seems very happy with only her gaining by my understanding.

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 08/01/2019 18:21

Keep your cleaner, Sack your friend.
Your friend is BVU.
You don't need a tantrum throwing friend whose a bully to boot.
She was probably looking to bin your friend anyway.

ZenNudist · 08/01/2019 18:23

Keep the cleaner!

peachdribble · 08/01/2019 18:25

Why don’t you offer her a peace-offering in front of the others, and ask her to calm down and hear your side of the story for the sake of the children? It will be awkward but at least then everyone will know the truth. It would give her a chance to backtrack and your son can be included again while you find him a nice club to go to where he can make new friends. If she has mental health issues then perhaps she needs to get some help before she completely alienates herself and her family by blowing up another tiny situation with someone else... but I agree, don’t sack the cleaner!

a1poshpaws · 08/01/2019 18:29

What Gatehouse77 said.

Gina2012 · 08/01/2019 18:30

I haven't read the whole thread - sorry

But:

  1. Do not sack the cleaner. That's mean and she won't clean for BitchMum anyway, so it'll be a waste of time
  1. Most importantly to me - I would NOT want my child playing with child of BitchMum. If that makes me unreasonable, so be it. But I would not want that. Potential bullying DNA etc BlushHmm
  1. Pick off children from the group and do 1-2-1s or group plays. Start your own play date groups.
  1. Ignore and/or block BitchMum
RoodleNoodle · 08/01/2019 18:32

If you fire the cleaner your "friend" will find another excuse to exclude your son and the cleaner probably won't go back to work the hours she was. Your son will make new friends, better friends with more stable mothers.

dippydeedoo · 08/01/2019 18:34

I think you and your son are better off without the friend and her son- her manipulation with the other friends will only last so long- if she behaves like this over a cleane,imagine how many other dramas they’ve had to endure.
Just ride it out, invite children for play dates,keep your son busy and eventually it will fizzle away.
In school the children will just play once the novelty of the parental influence wears off.
She does sound a lunatic tho

Tinkobell · 08/01/2019 18:35

Not read the whole thread, but I think it's DISGUSTING and insulting and demeaning to the cleaner for the other mother to assume that the cleaner can be kind of passed around like some sort of of resource; that the cleaner has no opinions or views on who the fuck she chooses to work for! What a jumped up, assuming, horrid woman. I have a cleaner.....I don't own or run their bloody lives!

Rachand23 · 08/01/2019 18:41

Perhaps for the sake of your son, let the cleaner go, but the friendship is over. Others will soon find out what’s she’s like. Time has a habit of bringing these things about. She’ll reap what she sows.

Jano69 · 08/01/2019 18:41

Good cleaners are like gold dust. They can pick and choose their clients. The good ones expect tidy houses, regular work and immediate payment. It sounds like you fit the criteria and the other mum doesn't. You will be mad to let go of the cleaner, she sounds amazing!

Fanjita1 · 08/01/2019 18:42

Cleaner was clearly desperate to sack the mad woman off! Let her boil. Find new friday wine friends. Wouldnt want my kids near a basket case like that tbh.

Stopwoofing · 08/01/2019 18:42

Reminds me of a friend I had who couldn’t understand why you couldn’t get babysitters to do childcare - seems like your ex friend is of the same mind!

Elsie1966 · 08/01/2019 18:45

Good decision op to keep the cleaner. You don't want "friends" like that in your life or your family's, I bet she used to be the school bully.

APairofScarletSequinedWings · 08/01/2019 18:48

So, OP, although not a naturally social creature, your DH is going to rally some dads, and try to create a new group to help your son? With this man as his dad, your DS is going to be absolutely fine!

As for Missus Stroppy Pants, let her whinge about having to pick up a bog brush and mind her own offspring instead of palming them off on the cleaner without any extra pay or appreciation. Just calmly tell any mutual friends that pass comment the facts, and let them make their own minds up.

Because anyone who takes sides over such a ridiculous state of affairs isn't really worth knowing. And I agree with pps who say your son's friends will wax and wane throughout school life, so this will help hime to learn how to manage these issues.

kezibear · 08/01/2019 18:49

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I repeat past pp.
Tell your friend you've sacked the cleaner, keep the cleaner and ask her not to discuss it with your friend.

LishLish · 08/01/2019 18:53

Don’t fire the cleaner if your friend doesn’t work then why can’t she clean up. The cleaner chose you and there is no guarantee that she will go back and clean for her anyway

TheGlaikitRambler · 08/01/2019 18:54

Waiting for the interesting update that will come after the Dads go for a drink.

Vynalbob · 08/01/2019 18:56

Beers 4 dad's good idea. After school club great idea would widen ds circle. Your friend's assuming the cleaner is going to be running back to her. It may have been a timely excuse to get rid of an employer that takes the mick. Stick with the cleaner if the others are sooo clichy it will hold their kids back at secondary. Widen DS friend circle and it will be a big plus for him... Judo, tramplelining, dancing, drama... Must be something happening that would make them green 😉

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