Issue with school mum and cleaner

[hopefullyhelpfully]

I've been struggling to find a good cleaner for a while now, so a school mum friend (occasional drinks and coffees, children in same friendship group, same team in PTA quiz etc) gave me contact details for her cleaner and said I could see if she had any availability. She did, and she's been cleaning for 4 months now and is amazing! She works the time she's paid for, notices and does little extras, irons and is generally marvellous.
At Christmas she had the week off but I paid her (have always paid holiday pay to cleaners) and have her some chocolate- and a small outfit for daughter's new baby- nothing extravagant.
She recently announced that she'd be reducing her cleaning hours as she's going to be looking after her daughter's baby when her daughter goes back to work. She's given notice to school mum friend and not to me, and friend is furious. Friend called me and said that as she'd recommended the cleaner, and she'd been working for her a lot longer then I needed to tell her that we didn't need her any more! Apparently I must have found out about her planned reduction in hours which is why I paid holiday pay and gave presents etc, and I have essentially been sneaky. Tbh I genuinely didn't know as I'm not often there when she comes and I thought everyone paid extra at Christmas and holidays! It's also worth pointing out that my children are older, we're all out of the house when she cleans, we're generally tidy and I'm not especially demanding, none of which is the case for my friend.
Now I was perfectly prepared to ignore her- lovely cleaner has agency over her own life and this is all a bit mad. However she's been telling all our mutual friends that I've "stolen" the cleaner by paying her more (we pay the same) and that losing her is exacerbating her stress and PND (youngest is 5 and she's never mentioned PND in the 11 years I've known her.) There's a lot of other stuff but it boils down to, "heartless full time working parent bribes critical help and support away from vulnerable friend to facilitate her career." I'm the only working mum out of the group so she's got a lot of time to develop the narrative and I'm not there to counter it.

Now to the AIBU- this is impacting DS as he's close friends with her son and the children of her friends. He's not being invited to Friday play dates as we all usually have a glass of wine when picking up and apparently, "it'll be uncomfortable."
I can't have DS impacted, so I'm planning on doing as she asks, firing cleaner and trying to salvage this. However DH says it's unreasonable and unfair to the cleaner. Who's unreasonable?

@UrsulaPandress
But it was my housebound dad and she used to chat Rugby League to him and not do much cleaning. He enjoyed her company.

My DM's cleaner is the same - sometimes it's hard to see what she does for three hours a week but she's great company for Mum for those three hours.

Who told you that she'd said it was 'awkward'? Presumably a parent who thinks she's nuts too - there will be others. Arrange play dates yourself with some of the group individually.

I'm just wondering why a 5 year old is having naps. Do 5 year olds DO such a thing?

I need to have a conversation with my 4 year old!

What horrifies me most about this is the fact that the other mum (your 'friend'), is going around talking about and this unfortunate cleaner situation to all sorts of people when it is basically nobody else's business.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. It's perfectly normal to give domestic help a gift at Christmas and, if you can afford it, pay them for their days off. I always did. You were not 'buying' the cleaner's loyalty. Anyway how did your 'friend' know about that?

In your position I would speak to the other mother and tell her plainly that you have done nothing underhand, sneaky or wrong and she is completely out of order to gossip about you. It's quite hurtful because you thought she was a friend.

I bet you anything the people she talks to find it all quite embarrassing and would rather not know.

It'll soon be behind you, op.

She’s batshit. And the other mums will either know that or find out for themselves, I’m sure, if this is how she behaves.

I think so too Dilldallyer, she is making an idiot of herself. Being charitable, I suppose she can't help it, is confused, but op would be doing a favour to her to speak plainly about it - clear the air and set the record straight.

If she's that unreasonable the other mums will have seen it too and won't be put off you. If she's one of these (possibly fictional as I've never seen it outside of films) queen bees and can do no wrong then you are best out of there anyway.

No good will come your way from sacking the cleaner though!

Your so-called friend is a nutter - ditch her! Keep your cleaner.

I hope it all works out for your ds and you in this situation, she is a bully and it can be very hard to try and compete with that. She has more access to other people than you have so it's going to be hard to undo what she is saying. Try not to bring it up with the other play date moms and hopefully it will blow over and you create your own friendship groups for your ds to enjoy. What the cleaner has done is awful and has put you in a terrible position but you don't know what she is planning next and she could decide to let go of you soon too.

She sounds very selfish and spoilt. However pissed off she is, there is no excuse for taking it out on your DS.

Just a suggestion but does your DH go fishing? Boys love to go fishing and the other dad’s would probably be up for it. If you organise something like this it would completely take the wind out if her sails and the other children would want to go.

I'm totally just commenting to find out why drinks were controversial (only read to pg 6 at the minute so apologies if this has already come to light)

@theoryBuilding
Stop being a twat - you’re so obviously the CF client being dropped by your cleaner

I think the “controversial” comment would have been in relation to drinking in January?

Have posts by @theoryBuilding been removed? I can see people responding but nothing by them.

Her posts are near the start. They're still there.

No one owns anyone else. The cleaner’s decisions are her own.
And yes, encourage more friends for your son-kids are wonderfully accommodating at 5

I mean if she wants a cleaner and baby sitter maybe an Au Pair is more what she needs 🤷‍♀️

This CF seems to want a personal slave, for indentured service! She's done you a favour cutting contact!

Not worth keeping this "friend". She is punishing your child to get back to you. For me this is the bottom line.

Why fire her?
'Perhaps the days that 'friend' has her on are the days when she is looking after the baby so that's why she is cancelling them.
It's up to HER who she cancels surely?

Good luck to your DH for tonight, OP!

Shameless placemarking so I can see what happens next 🙈

1. don't sack the cleaner.
2. don't engage with mad cow or it will make it worse.
3. they will get bored and move on eventually.
4. DS will be fine.
5. I'm sure her friends know exactly what she's like.
6. your DS will be better off staying as far away from her and her son as possible.

You're a sensible woman and I dare say the cleaner is as fed up of her as you are, don't penalise her for picking a better boss to behave like the mad cow.

Smile and carry on, do not bow to the school yard mafia.

I'm looking forward to hearing about the Dad night out