Mum's DH half naked on my sofa?

[kitchencurios]

For a few reasons (largely to their benefit), DM and her DH live with me and DC's (in mine and DH's home). My DH works away a lot.

This is a reasonably new set up and I'm sure they are gritting their teeth as much as I am as we navigate our way through communal living as an extended family. We do however have quite different standards and I don't agree with/like a lot of her DH's behaviour. E.g. pretty lazy around the house, slovenly, makes no effort to chat etc.

Tonight he has built some new furniture in their room. He came down to the lounge once or twice, sweaty, no top on. I don't want to see that but turned a blind eye, he's obviously just a bit warm.

The furniture is now finished. He has been strutting around the kitchen, topless and sweaty.

Now he's all sunken into my sofa, still topless.

I have walked out the room, too chicken to say anything but too cross/grossed out to stay in the room.

AIBU to feel rather livid at this behaviour? He has a skin condition and I appreciate he might be feeling uncomfortable but this only adds to the grimness of it all.

My DM has said nothing but I highly doubt she thinks I'd tolerate this.

I'm hiding in my bedroom like the sulking teen when this is MY home! They pay a small rent, so yes, their home too.... but IABU to this this isn't on??

Thoughts while I find some balls please!

Talk to your mum if you don't feel you can say anything to him.

How long are they likely to be staying? What do you get out of this arrangement?

Another 18 months

If it was mum or my own dad I'd make a joke or tell them how gross I think it is, but I feel totally trapped by it. We have zero relationship and zero banter so I feel very uncomfortable raising it!

I get some occasional help with the kids (nothing formal as I don't currently work).

You need house rules otherwise this just isn't going to last. I wouldn't want his sweaty naked body on my sofa and tbh I don't think a decent bloke would do that.

In his partner's daughter's house, I mean.

Can you tell them it just isn't working for you? Why should you have to give him almost free rent?

Which is what I can't fathom..... no decent person would, would they??

18 months
Ok time to sit down with your mum and tell her you're uncomfortable with him walking around like that and that he has to pull his weight in the house too with certain jobs - be specific what you want him to do.

It's your house, you shouldn't have to be sloping off to your room.

"We have zero relationship and zero banter so I feel very uncomfortable raising it!"

Cannot imagine what scenario has led you to invite the man (and your DM) to live with you?!

Get out of your room! He was strutting! He is being gross! This is a power move. He is setting himself up as the patriarch of the house who as a result of his status feels he can be lazy, strut, sit half naked on your sofa, not bother with polite chit chat with the lesser beings.

Fuck that. You are the boss. This is your house. You are his landlady. He is your tenant. Get down there and tell him he is not to hang around half naked. Make damn sure you and he both know he's not the big man of the house: you are.

In a nutshell, I am very close to my DM. Not at all close to her DH of 10 years though. I just don't get him, their relationship, and I think he's bone idle. They adore each other.

Through their own faults they are skint, no property, not on benefits because both actually earn a decent income working for themselves.

When we made this arrangement it was in part to help them out (I thought they'd save some money but they just seem to plan more lavish holidays), and in part to help me with childcare. I have since quit work as I had a near breakdown, so no need for the childcare. They continue to work normal hours. I get ad-hoc help with the kids, built in babysitter, and company when DH is away (most of the time).

Oh cottontail if only I had the guts!! If this was DH I'd say it, anyone else I'd say it. It's just so bloody awful/awkward!

Ok time to tell them to go. Say, "This isn't working for me. You're just planning holidays instead of saving for a new place. I don't feel like this is my own home any more. I need you to leave in six weeks' time."

If you DON'T say something, they'll still be there in five years' time.

So they are not saving any money nor doing the childcare they promised? Just dripping sweat on your sofa. I think you need to review the situation.

My fil does this in my house. It's gross. I don't understand why they think it's acceptable. I really feel for you, op

Seen the update. Still don't understand it.

They both work - without you they'd have to just rent a flat or something. You're crazy.

Crikey OP, be careful or they'll never leave, they shouldn't be booking holidays for a start. I know it's hard when it's your mum and you love her but this situation isn't your doing and you're not responsible for her or her fuckwit partner.

Your own well-being is paramount here, sounds like you've been through a really tough time and this isn't going to help.

Personally I would be giving them 6 months to find somewhere to live.

So he is sauntering about your house like it is his half naked probably planning their next jolly nah they are taking the piss you need to tell them it isn't working you have a man you dont like and hardly know mansoreading on your couch this is for the next year and a half !

“We have zero relationship and zero banter so I feel very uncomfortable raising it!”

Goodness OP, I can’t begin to imagine how you came to have someone you have no relationship with in your household, or how you will last 18 months!

YANBU.

I think it would be fine to say ‘could you put a shirt on around the house please?’. And if he asks why or makes stupid comments about modesty say “no, we keep wet hair, bare feet, sweat and toast if the sofas”.

They'd probably take it better from your husband. Can't he say he's not putting up with it any more?

Manspreading*

Maybe treat them like teenagers. If they are not saving money to move out and just doing nicer holidays then up their rent. Tell them the bills have gone up more then you expected since they moved in so you need to up the rent by x amount. Put that extra in a separate account and when it's enough for a rental deposit then you tell them to find a place and you'll cover the deposit. They never need to know it's their money to start with.

If you can't talk to him then definitely talk to your mum and let her know you aren't comfortable with him lounging about topless.

If you are that scared of them then you have to give them notice. You cannot have people who can so easily bully you staying in your house indefinitely (you know they are never leaving, right?). Especially if you have fragile mental health.

If you can't kick them out then get your DH to do it when he's back.

Do you think you will recover from your breakdown with this bloke living in your house? Or do you think you'll spend a lot of time hiding in your bedroom feeling angry, frustrated and weak?

I don't see the upside to having them live with you. They can get a rental surely if they both have jobs.

I would have to say 'for goodness sake, mate, put a shirt on!' and make it quite clear you find his behaviour intolerable. What's going to happen in 18 months? Where are they going to go?