Mum's DH half naked on my sofa?

[kitchencurios]

For a few reasons (largely to their benefit), DM and her DH live with me and DC's (in mine and DH's home). My DH works away a lot.

This is a reasonably new set up and I'm sure they are gritting their teeth as much as I am as we navigate our way through communal living as an extended family. We do however have quite different standards and I don't agree with/like a lot of her DH's behaviour. E.g. pretty lazy around the house, slovenly, makes no effort to chat etc.

Tonight he has built some new furniture in their room. He came down to the lounge once or twice, sweaty, no top on. I don't want to see that but turned a blind eye, he's obviously just a bit warm.

The furniture is now finished. He has been strutting around the kitchen, topless and sweaty.

Now he's all sunken into my sofa, still topless.

I have walked out the room, too chicken to say anything but too cross/grossed out to stay in the room.

AIBU to feel rather livid at this behaviour? He has a skin condition and I appreciate he might be feeling uncomfortable but this only adds to the grimness of it all.

My DM has said nothing but I highly doubt she thinks I'd tolerate this.

I'm hiding in my bedroom like the sulking teen when this is MY home! They pay a small rent, so yes, their home too.... but IABU to this this isn't on??

Thoughts while I find some balls please!

I’m sorry OP, but they haven’t a hope in hell of getting into social housing in the next five years, let alone 18 months. They will be second from the bottom of the list, with only single men below them. In 18 months they will just be added to the list. You need to stop being your mother’s ‘child’ and start being a grownup. You need to sit your mother down and ask her what she intends doing in 18 months.

This is your home. They need to always be mindful of that.
It's common decency to dress appropriately and to up their game when in someone else's home. What they do at their home is their business, but at yours - it's your rules.
Perhaps they don't know your rules yet, and 'rules' sounds very authoritarian, but still, they need to know your standards.

You might have to be less than subtle and pass him a shirt until he takes the hint. If you speak with your mother she's only going to pass on the message and explain it is you who is complaining, so you might as well face it yourself and tell him / them.

You can say it in a gentle funny way ' I don't need to be seeing that!' - in lighthearted way, but keep saying it until it sinks in.

I wish his name was Trevor.

No one wants to get to the stage where they have to tackle Trevor’s manhood with a kitchen implement, do they?
Get in front of the mirror, OP, channel a strict but benevolent nurse, shoulders back, chin up, a firm and flinty look in your eye and go forth!

To those in the know about social housing.... here's their situation, grateful for any insights:

DM, 65, working, reasonable income for the last 10-15yrs. No savings.

Trevor, 60, working, reasonable income for the last 25 years. No savings. Divorced his hence no property - his ex kept it I believe.

Awfully I think they are both waiting on Trev's mum to pass away and inherit her house - I think hugely unlikely as she's still going reasonably strong at 87 and will likely need to go into care soon. I hate to say it but I think that is their only 'plan'.

Given her age, would they be at least eligible if she retired? Or would he need to retire too?

If it helps, you can call him “Trevor” in your head, OP

And no, we're not overcrowded.....

I’d probably start farting now and scratching my fanny to show dominance.

I think PERF has it when they point out it might not be the case that in 18 months they will magically be able to walk into a council tenancy, especially if it’s an area of high demand.

Cottontailrabbit very interesting post. My adult SS used do this sort of thing, namely after a shower in his ensuite would saunter about the 'communal' living areas, lounge, kitchen etc in a very low slung towel and l mean very low slung as could see his loins as if it was about to drop off. There was never any apparent reason for him coming down like that as he never seemed to get anything, but just make some benign chat with my DH then wander back to his room and get dressed after ten mins to half an hour sometimes. I could never understand why it bothered me so much but l always thought it was some kind of man spreading /power /look at me ug ug l'm a man type thing which of course dh thought was ridiculous and we often argued about it.

Do you have room for a granny flat?

There is no social housing just because you retire, no. They might be able to get joint ownership but they'd have to be working to get the mortgage and it would be high due to their limited years left to pay it. They'd be better off trying to do that now.

They couldn't get a mortgage, no deposit?

Time for a "what are your plans post 18 months when you won't get a council flat?" chat

Presumably they can apply in 18 months, then wait and wait and wait. Because they're not actually in housing need.

And if Trevor's lovely mother needs care, the house is gone anyway.

Get them to tell the council that they are sofa surfing ie no permanent address

Please don't lie to the Housing Department. There are people in serious housing need; 300,000 homeless people in the UK. Unpleasant as Trevor's sweaty back is, it's not as bad as a DV situation or facing homelessness.

Why can't they move in with Trevor's mum and help her out?

Time for a "what are your plans post 18 months when you won't get a council flat?" chat

Prepare to be stared at blankly by your mum and Trev as you realise that staying with you is The Plan.

Skunk, they tried that already...... it ended pretty badly - she promised them an extension if they moved in to help care for her, they carried out some improving work to her house at their own expense (I'm not making this up I swear), and she then made their life dreadfully miserable and went back on the extension plan after they'd had plans drawn up. It lasted a year.

I suggest you make their lives 'dreadfully miserable'. I suspect he lounged on her sofa half nekkid....

I've been quite clear that 18 months is the timeframe (DH due back then for good too). But I think the sooner they face this and hear from the council the better, they really need to be saving a rental deposit.

Yes VanGogh, starting to see it from granny Trev's perspective now.

I’d just like to echo PERF, in 18 months they may be eligible to apply but that’s it. If they’re accepted on to the list they’ll be given a band then have to wait and probably bid on properties they’re eligible to apply for. Ahead of them will be vulnerable people who will be housed before them. I’ve been on my council list and bidding since 2011 I called them a couple of months ago to get some insight in to waiting times and they told me we’ll probably never get an offer as we have a (albeit very expensive) roof over our heads.
Be prepared OP you may struggle to get them out for a very long time, if at all!

Normal scenario is it’s where you have lived longest in the last 5 years so it’s not they need to wait 5 years.as they are past half way now so can apply.
However getting a house will be very hard if not I possible unless they are homeless which is probably the only way

Ok so it sounds like they need plan B, back into private rental. I'd pay the flippin deposit if I had to! Chats next week. Thanks everyone. Reaffirmed that naked sweating on sofas that don't belong to you is not ok.