Mum's DH half naked on my sofa?

[kitchencurios]

For a few reasons (largely to their benefit), DM and her DH live with me and DC's (in mine and DH's home). My DH works away a lot.

This is a reasonably new set up and I'm sure they are gritting their teeth as much as I am as we navigate our way through communal living as an extended family. We do however have quite different standards and I don't agree with/like a lot of her DH's behaviour. E.g. pretty lazy around the house, slovenly, makes no effort to chat etc.

Tonight he has built some new furniture in their room. He came down to the lounge once or twice, sweaty, no top on. I don't want to see that but turned a blind eye, he's obviously just a bit warm.

The furniture is now finished. He has been strutting around the kitchen, topless and sweaty.

Now he's all sunken into my sofa, still topless.

I have walked out the room, too chicken to say anything but too cross/grossed out to stay in the room.

AIBU to feel rather livid at this behaviour? He has a skin condition and I appreciate he might be feeling uncomfortable but this only adds to the grimness of it all.

My DM has said nothing but I highly doubt she thinks I'd tolerate this.

I'm hiding in my bedroom like the sulking teen when this is MY home! They pay a small rent, so yes, their home too.... but IABU to this this isn't on??

Thoughts while I find some balls please!

Any update OP?

I'm sure after living in your house without you there is an element of entitlement or ownership over the property hence the semi naked displays.

Wishing you luck with your chat.

Update - after more bad behaviour from Trev (I'll only wash up my own teacup and then rearrange the draining rack to cram it in), I cracked and broached a broader chat with DM this morning.... it was a bit hurried and not planned, but came out when she started telling me about their latest holiday plans.

I've since messaged her apologising that it was a bit of an outpour, but that we need to have a frank discussion ASAP before things go sour. That conversation I will plan!

Do not apologise to your mother!

Very fucking telling that you were the one apologising and chasing her for a serious chat. If someone doing me a massive favour lost their rag at me, I'd be falling over myself to curry favour and to communicate and thus fix whatever were bothering them. You have to stop pretending to yourself that your mum is not CF.

FFS she is spending her rental deposit on holidays. She's not planning to move out. Ever. Meanwhile Trev swings his dick at you and gets away with it.

FFS she is spending her rental deposit on holidays. She's not planning to move out. Ever. Meanwhile Trev swings his dick at you and gets away with it.

This.

On the plus side you now know they can afford to move out. If they can buy a holiday they can pay a deposit. Give them a month's notice today in writing.

Be nice if you can't bear to be as rude as you should be. "Glad you've got your finances sorted. I am looking forward to having my house back to myself again much as I'm sure you and Trev want your own place too. Shall we say 28 Feb as your last day here? Let us know if you'll need help moving stuff to your new place."

Don't feel bad OP, action now will do better for your long term relationship.

On the plus side you now know they can afford to move out. If they can buy a holiday they can pay a deposit. Give them a month's notice today in writing.

This, with chuffing big bells on. They are never going to get social housing, they are not anywhere near being eligible.

Do you want them living with you for the rest of their lives? Because that's what's going to happen unless you toughen up.

Here's my plan;

They have 6 months from today to sort their deposit and find a private rental. This is when DH comes home.

In the meantime I expect the following in this house.... clothes on, weight lifted, general mucking in. You live here as family, not lodgers. Pull your weight. If I'm bathing kids, Trev, you could help by loading the dishwasher instead of playing snake on your phone.

I also expect some formal childcare, as per original agreement so that I can go to gym, have a break from the kids.

I appreciate all your help and company here DM but unfortunately can no longer abide Trev and so you must make plans to move on. SH will not be an option for you, so best you start to save for your deposit ahead of that Far Eastern adventure.

How does that sound??

Are you the OP gold?

I think you are over reacting . So what if he’s sweaty as you said he’s got a skin problem .

He won’t be building furniture everyday .

What’s the house rule going to be ? Don’t sweat on the furniture ?

Ok if you don’t want to see him topless tell your mum .

But at the end of the day you need to remove remember you agreed to let him live In your home , would you tell your husband not to be topless in your house .

Do you want your mums DH to feel comfortable in your home ?

I don't understand why they are in need of council housing, they both work and earn a decent wage, they should be in private rental. If there comes a time they can't afford private rental, that's when you speak to the council. Social housing is not for those who'd rather spend their money on holidays it's for those in need and they are not in need. Why would they plan to take a property from someone who is, and why would you enable them.

18 months? Time to tell them it's not working for you! If this can't be done, start setting some ground rules and communicate them.

It's me, OP.

Bluntness this is so true and I'll be saying this to them too. I've always been aware of their attitude that someone else will bail them out, but now it's under my nose it's harder to ignore.

You are being way too kind giving them 6months.

Why six months to save? They've already saved and they've decided to spend it on holidays, right?

Nope I expect hols will be on credit (that gets repaid with what they're saving!) 😬😬😬

Anyway, I thank you all for your input and support on this - it's opened my eyes to how off it all really is. My family is pretty dysfunctional so it's hard to see things for what they are sometimes, and what is or isn't normal.

I'm going to leave this thread alone now as I'm worried that the fairly unique set up might identify one or more of us, but thank you all again.