Mum's DH half naked on my sofa?

[kitchencurios]

For a few reasons (largely to their benefit), DM and her DH live with me and DC's (in mine and DH's home). My DH works away a lot.

This is a reasonably new set up and I'm sure they are gritting their teeth as much as I am as we navigate our way through communal living as an extended family. We do however have quite different standards and I don't agree with/like a lot of her DH's behaviour. E.g. pretty lazy around the house, slovenly, makes no effort to chat etc.

Tonight he has built some new furniture in their room. He came down to the lounge once or twice, sweaty, no top on. I don't want to see that but turned a blind eye, he's obviously just a bit warm.

The furniture is now finished. He has been strutting around the kitchen, topless and sweaty.

Now he's all sunken into my sofa, still topless.

I have walked out the room, too chicken to say anything but too cross/grossed out to stay in the room.

AIBU to feel rather livid at this behaviour? He has a skin condition and I appreciate he might be feeling uncomfortable but this only adds to the grimness of it all.

My DM has said nothing but I highly doubt she thinks I'd tolerate this.

I'm hiding in my bedroom like the sulking teen when this is MY home! They pay a small rent, so yes, their home too.... but IABU to this this isn't on??

Thoughts while I find some balls please!

Is your dh planning on moving back in the future?

So your Mother is sat waiting on ‘Someone’ handing her a property for Free?!

Neither of them are 'dim' nor is it a case of 'the blind leading the blind'.
They just want someone else subsidizing their cost of living whilst they spend their money on the good stuff.

They have no intention of moving out in 18 months, more like hoping that by then it'll be old news and too hard for you to insist - on top of cajoling them and doing all the admin.

They have a 'reasonable' income, and yet despite paying less than market rate for housing all these years they've got no savings? Not even enough for a deposit for a new rental?
Where's all this money going?

Social housing is not a right, they'll just have to rent private.
So what if it's not up to their 'standard' or not what they're 'used to'?
They need a reality check and this might just give them that....and the push to manage their money better.

HeebieJeebie you've summed it all up perfectly- they spend everything they earn.... I guess I don't want to have to be so harsh to my DM but they do need a reality check. She's getting too old to keep up her current hours and without our help, the lifestyle will inevitably have to change.

NC'd by the way. Ooops. Will let the thread die it's death and NC again.

Thanks everyone for all the input and support. Good to know IANBU about Trev and his gut sweat. The rest has been eye opening really and most useful.

"Problem is, I genuinely don't think my DM sets about this in a calculated or CF way" I think you're in denial here. I think your DM is very good at playing the poor, helpless woman.

"she's had a hard life raising three of us as a single parent in and out of council places" and this proves she IS capable of sorting herself out and DOES know how the social housing system works.

But still good that you're arming yourself with the knowledge of the housing situation locally so when they try...

"Oh but we can get a council house in 18 months..." "No the waiting list is X years long and you have zero points"

"We can't afford rent in this borough..." "But in this/these neighbouring boroughs the rent is cheaper" "actually your income is X and rent is y if you're sensible with finances you can afford z rent and...oh look there's 20 places with that rent or less"

"We can't save for a deposit" "you earn X, you'd need y for a deposit I've checked. If you stopped spending on luxuries especially holidays you can't afford then in z months you'd have deposit and first month/2/3/6 months rent saved"

"Our credit is poor" "I'll help you sort that out, we'll check your credit reports and resolve the problems, get you on electoral roll etc"

Be prepared for all possible excuses!

And while they're still with you ground rules:

Appropriate dress in communal areas at all times

Pull their weight on housework

Pay enough to at least cover their costs

Treat you with respect in all ways.

"So your Mother is sat waiting on ‘Someone’ handing her a property for Free?!" Yep!

They're at it op. Quit letting them take advantage. They know exactly what they're doing.

Can't they move in with his mother - as her carer?

I suggested OP contact local housing dept to find out what local registration rules, points system & waiting lists are so that OP operates from a position of well informed fact.

Being brutal, & possibly massively wrong, but it seems to me that DM & Toyboy Trevor are getting to the professional & life stage where they are looking to wind down a bit, & become relatively easy going about getting where they need to be financially & location.

There is only so much rushy-thrusty-get there energy the body can pump before slowing down to let the grass grow & pat GCs on the head. I am not saying that they are fading away, just that the up&attem vigour is redirected to other priorities.

Wonder how Toyboy Trevor would respond to a piercing wolf whistle from DH when he first spies Trev’s magnificent nekkid bod splayed on the family sofa. Maybe it takes a bloke to call Trevor out on his gambit?

Off her own back she told me today that they have a meeting at the council next week to understand the social housing process.

Um, not quite.
Off her own back = she knows you well enough to know you @are not happy (or entirely well), & that your raising this means that you have enough mojo to call them out on their lodgercockiness, aka LodgerCF. This is a pre-emptive smooth-it-over manoeuvre to soften up the forthcoming blow.

Understand the social housing process ? I think they know this already.
They know the answer is No, not a chance.

If they have an appointment a week hence, ask to see the appointment letter. Most people in housing need, get to housing dept door as it opens, take a tkt & wait until it is their turn. Nowt to stop them doing this together tomorrow.

OP, the more carefully I read your posts, the more I want for you to look after yourself - possibly more emphatically than you have ever done before. To do this, you need to be well informed & stake strong boundaries for yourself which in due course protects your everyday life, your marriage & your young family.

Tell TotalTitTrev you'll slice his nips off if you see him topless again.

If they have an appointment a week hence, ask to see the appointment letter. Most people in housing need, get to housing dept door as it opens, take a tkt & wait until it is their turn. Nowt to stop them doing this together tomorrow.

this is true OP.

I also suspect they have no real plan.
I live in a good council housing area, I was overcrowded, my property wasn't suitable for children (one bedroom flat) and got a property faster than I dare admit otherwise I'll doing like a goady fucker.
But literally every borough surrounding mine is at least a several year wait for people in the same circumstances.
Someone housed with family, not overcrowded, no dependant children, a high enough income to afford to privately rent have got no chance in most parts of the country. Some places have closed waiting lists to people who the council believe to be suitably housed, others give you an estimate of 30 years wait.
And even if they got a council property, it would be a small one bedroom flat or bed sit, the same size property they can afford with private rentals.
You'll need to do something or they're gonna be your room mates forever.
They can not seriously rely on the council.

So your mum and her boyfriend are adults, nearly retirement age and neither have sufficient funds to support themselves to live? Honestly, they need to sort themselves out. As for holidays, they'd rather sponge off you and have a holiday than actually pay rent to live?!
In the wise words of Judge Judy ... it's not a child's job to support their parents
Tell them to grow up and sort their living arrangements out ffs

They aren’t in need of housing by the council. They really aren’t in need.

They work and earn and they should save a deposit and move out like everyone else. Why should they be entitled to that borough? Do you need them nearby?

Start treating him as a toddler. Trev, you need to put a shirt on. Trev, you're dripping on the sofa, take a chair or shower or the sofa will get dirty.

If they move into private rented when they retire, they will be eligible for Housing Benefit the same as everyone else if their income isn’t high enough.

Have they saved any pension, if they are working for themselves? (I fear I know the answer......)

Saving a deposit is key.

OP, you had a breakdown over work. Your Mum was there to help you work. Now you don’t need that but she is still there. You will have another one if you have to live seething with Trev and unable to relax in your own home.

It’s mad.

They didn’t save during ‘several years’ while you were abroad, so they won’t save over 18m.

I think you and DH together need to come up with an exit strategy and tell them together.

I think you and DH together need to come up with an exit strategy and tell them together.

Yes to this.
Present a united front as a couple.
Between you & DH work out what ‘good’ behaviour is, set out what that is to your LODGERS, & make sure this sticks whether DH is at home or working away.

Good may be LODGERS paying a closer to market rent. Good may be you & DH bank this as a informal deposit saving scheme so that your LODGERS can afford to move out & they are used to paying a market rent.Good may be timely completion of LODGERS’s list of everyday chores. You get the jist.

Aw, they may not be able to afford long haul holidays for a while, but they will have the great satisfaction of both being good LODGERS.

Small point. Do not allow them to use yr postal address for any loans/credit cards etc without your permission ( to which the answer is no). As this may impact both your & DH’s credit ratings for many years to come.

Also, do not be surprised once DM has woken to smell the cafetière of reality of her current financial & housing status that she pushes Topless Tesla away & out the door. The enchantment fades before your very eyes.

This is, more than now, when you will feel the tentacles of Fear Obligation & Gulit (FOG) wrap round your dutiful daughter’s heart & allow her to stay.

When is your DH due to move back home? Is he due a home visit soon - if so, I think it's time the 4 of you have a 'plans for the future' chat.

Have you had a 'setting deadlines' and 'family expectations' chat yet OP?

They really need to know your expectations whilst they continue to prevail upon your hospitality!

...for this to work...for the time agreed...

Small point. Do not allow them to use yr postal address for any loans/credit cards etc without your permission ( to which the answer is no). As this may impact both your & DH’s credit ratings for many years to come.

Although the sentiment is good, this isn't true - unless they use your name, it won't affect you. Addresses do not have blacklists, it's an urban myth.

You’ve said a few times that they both work and earn reasonable/decent salaries so why can’t they rent privately?

Autocorrect Tezza to Tesla...how topical!

Interesting about the credit address checking. Thanks for the update.

Did you have the Chat OP?