Mum's DH half naked on my sofa?

[kitchencurios]

For a few reasons (largely to their benefit), DM and her DH live with me and DC's (in mine and DH's home). My DH works away a lot.

This is a reasonably new set up and I'm sure they are gritting their teeth as much as I am as we navigate our way through communal living as an extended family. We do however have quite different standards and I don't agree with/like a lot of her DH's behaviour. E.g. pretty lazy around the house, slovenly, makes no effort to chat etc.

Tonight he has built some new furniture in their room. He came down to the lounge once or twice, sweaty, no top on. I don't want to see that but turned a blind eye, he's obviously just a bit warm.

The furniture is now finished. He has been strutting around the kitchen, topless and sweaty.

Now he's all sunken into my sofa, still topless.

I have walked out the room, too chicken to say anything but too cross/grossed out to stay in the room.

AIBU to feel rather livid at this behaviour? He has a skin condition and I appreciate he might be feeling uncomfortable but this only adds to the grimness of it all.

My DM has said nothing but I highly doubt she thinks I'd tolerate this.

I'm hiding in my bedroom like the sulking teen when this is MY home! They pay a small rent, so yes, their home too.... but IABU to this this isn't on??

Thoughts while I find some balls please!

Okay, not drip feeding, or not trying to;

DC and I lived abroad with DH for the last few years, returned home to get DC1 into school etc. Mum and her DH had looked after/rented our old house while we were away. We were doing them a favour. Rents around here are extortionate, they could probably afford a dank one bed flat despite theirs being a reasonable wage.

In the past DM has helped me with childcare formally, looks after my nephew, she is a real giver. She's getting old and I wanted her to be able to reduce her hours. When she finally jacks work in they will I imagine be eligible for some kind of social housing. They apparently need 5 years in the borough before they are eligible. They've done 3.5 already (in our last place), 18 months to go.... so it's certainly not a long term set up. In 18 months my youngest will be in school. I think we thought we'd all benefit somehow.

If you’re going to continue with the arrangement, I think it is reasonable to say that all four adults in the house need to agree to be fully clothed in the communal areas so that you don’t make each other feel uncomfortable.

I just spoke to DM. She looked totally surprised that I should feel uncomfortable and find it a bit grim. They make me feel like I'm some kind of clean freak prude. Argh!

Anyway, she's going to have a word.

And next week once the kids are back to school I'll be planning a cards on the table/house rules chat. You're all of course totally right and I can't carry on like this. This is just one of several incidents that have pissed me off but I've ignored.

Mum this isn't working, you and your DH need to leave by 31st January 2019.

Well this is communal living, we all have different values.
Talk to your mum but is she likely to take his side?
I don't get why they are living with you

So your mum and her husband have been living off you for years ? You are unhappy and uncomfortable with the arrangement and that is ok and a 1 bed place is better than nothing,. Or they can move out of the borough.it isn't working for you talk to your husband once he is back but ask your mum to tell her H to wear clothes about the house.

Do they have a tv in their bedroom

18 months is an awfully long time to live with other people, even ones you get along with and like. It's so hard to broach feeling unhappy about things, especially with your mum.
I know you said it was short term until they are eligible for housing, but as I understand it they probably won't get offered housing straight away. I may be wrong there. So it could be a lot longer than 18 months until they are housed.

They covered the mortgage at our last place while we were away (still less than market rate rent), but pay considerably less in this new set up. I wouldn't say they were living off us then, maybe now, a bit. I wouldn't begrudge my DM that for all she's done for me and my DC over the years, but her DH is a different matter. And he's the sweaty topless one.

And next week once the kids are back to school I'll be planning a cards on the table/house rules chat.

tbh I'd have a "when are you finding your own place" chat - and then talking about house rules until they move out.

If they have enough money for holidays, they have enough money to save for a deposit on a onebedroom or studio apartment where they can live while waiting for social housing.

I know you think they will move out in 18 months time but I wonder if they think that.

You might want to check that social housing thing.

They're living with you so not homeless.

You chucking them out won't necessarily put them to the top of the list or down for anything particularly nice.

Might not be only for another 18 months...

Oh you spoke to her well done it doesn't actually matter what they think you don't sit on somebody elses sofa half naked and sweaty it is rude he isn't your dad.

When I have to speak to people about their behaviour and it's a struggle for me too OP....I adopt a very brisk, no nonsense manner which helps them not feel bad I think and gives me guts. Something like "No topless men on my sofa please! Tops on in the house!" as if I was channelling Mary Poppins.

Off her own back she told me today that they have a meeting at the council next week to understand the social housing process. That in itself gives me an "are you happy with the current arrangements, because actually I'm not" opener....

While DH is away I think on balance I do want them here, the kids are super hard work and I like the adult company and extra pair of hands.... I think house rules are a must though. I was in the depths of my breakdown when we moved into the new place so it all went a bit unchecked at the time.

FortunesFave, yes I think that'd be my approach, although I'd rather throw him a shirt and pull a gagging face (which I know he'd actually appreciate more), I just couldn't do it.

Urgh, he is rude and marking his territory! You have done the right thing raising the issue with your Mum. I would be helpfully handing them lots of website addresses for finding new accommodation tomorrow!

A nice, businesslike, “Trevor, put your top on!” Light but firm as you sweep through the living room. Try it. Puff yourself up a bit, remind yourself that you are the boss of the house and this is no big deal to say this nice and firmly. Go on, try it! You are going to need to start practicing.

Nip it in the bud now, or Trevor will be swaggering from the bedroom to the bathroom swinging his cock next week and then you’ll have to get the wooden spoon out and bash him on the bell end!!!

OP I highly doubt social housing will help in 18months time. First of all there is a waiting list which can take years and secondly she is living with family so there’s no “housing need” so they probably will say she’s adequately housed.

Age alone won’t make your mum a priority either.

HotSauce! HA!!! You've made me laugh. Good grief that would be them gone!

Turn the heating off and open the window!

Trevor put your top on

Are you over crowded at all in your house OP? That might help with housing list but not much unless either DM or DH are disabled.

I agree with PPs. Just say what you need to. It feels like it'll be hard, but if you can find the words, it's better just to say them out loud....

"oh, you're sweaty and half naked stepdad, I was not expecting that! Could you please go clean up/put a top on, thanks!"

Trevor put your top on is even better! 😂😂🤣