Mum's DH half naked on my sofa?

[kitchencurios]

For a few reasons (largely to their benefit), DM and her DH live with me and DC's (in mine and DH's home). My DH works away a lot.

This is a reasonably new set up and I'm sure they are gritting their teeth as much as I am as we navigate our way through communal living as an extended family. We do however have quite different standards and I don't agree with/like a lot of her DH's behaviour. E.g. pretty lazy around the house, slovenly, makes no effort to chat etc.

Tonight he has built some new furniture in their room. He came down to the lounge once or twice, sweaty, no top on. I don't want to see that but turned a blind eye, he's obviously just a bit warm.

The furniture is now finished. He has been strutting around the kitchen, topless and sweaty.

Now he's all sunken into my sofa, still topless.

I have walked out the room, too chicken to say anything but too cross/grossed out to stay in the room.

AIBU to feel rather livid at this behaviour? He has a skin condition and I appreciate he might be feeling uncomfortable but this only adds to the grimness of it all.

My DM has said nothing but I highly doubt she thinks I'd tolerate this.

I'm hiding in my bedroom like the sulking teen when this is MY home! They pay a small rent, so yes, their home too.... but IABU to this this isn't on??

Thoughts while I find some balls please!

^OP I highly doubt social housing will help in 18months time. First of all there is a waiting list which can take years and secondly she is living with family so there’s no “housing need” so they probably will say she’s adequately housed.

Age alone won’t make your mum a priority either.^

This, this & this.

I strongly suggest you ring local Shelter helpline/Social Housing dept to find out what current waiting lists & point allaction system actually is, rather that rely upon wishful thinking of DM & OH. You need to wise up about where you, your DH & children really stand rather than defaulting to dutiful FOG’d loving daughter.

Social Housing provision is a very tough marketplace to navigate. Not enough suitable properties, massive demand to meet for people in genuine housing need. It is very tough. Provision of social affordable housing now is world’s apart from where Auntie here & your DM were out & about finding places to live.

I had rancid joy of pointing out to airy-fairy social housing application hopeful that there were more people registered - not waiting to register - for housing than there were social housing homes in the whole county.

Good luck!

Just out of curiosity - has he ever done this in front of your husband? He's either trying to stake his claim or you've made life too comfy for him and he thinks the house is his to do as he wishes, including displaying all his sweaty bits! Good luck with the chat.

I howled laughing at slapping "trev" on his bellend, make sure it is with a hot poker love, it will stir him to wear clothes

The topless bit wouldn’t bother me at all. I’d have been very pissed off with him sitting on the sofa all sweaty though.

Still, you seem to want them there so 🤷🏻‍♀️ Don’t make them feel too uncomfortable if you want their company.

You could always try treating them like young adults and making them hand over the amount of money they’re saving in rent and put it into a savings account for them. Then just before your DH comes back help the find a flat and pay the deposit directly to the LL.

In my area social housing is very crowded and your DM would be laughed at. DP & I are in band 3 on medical reasons to move to a flat. Our authority won't offer us a bungalow as they are only available to people 55+. Been waiting 18 months so far, have come top on one property but numerous steps (as many, many flats have) rendered it unsuitable. I think we'll still be waiting this time next year.

The only thing I'd say is don't mention the skin condition. If it's something like Psoriasis, it's nothing to be squeamish about and makes you sound unreasonable.

She only mentioned the skin condition here to explain that might be why he took his top off, as being sweaty with a skin condition might be uncomfortable.

"not on benefits because both actually earn a decent income working for themselves." Then they can bloody well rent somewhere! They need to go! 1 months notice - they're taking the piss!

Tbh you should have set ground rules before they even moved in.

I agree with pp saying its a power move - he's marking HIS territory - get your arse out the bedroom and tell him to have the decency to put a t-shirt on and not inflict his half naked body on others.

PLEASE say they're at least paying some rent?!

"she is a real giver." No she's not!

If rents are as high as you claim then they've been renting off you below market rate. TAKING.

Barely giving childcare TAKING (designed to make you feel beholden)

Making no effort to save for their own place TAKING

You say he's lazy I'll bet that extends to their business too so not maximising profit TAKING

making you feel uncomfortable in your own home TAKING.

"When she finally jacks work in they will I imagine be eligible for some kind of social housing" don't bet on it and certainly not if she's living with you, there's others in far more need and nowhere near enough housing. 5 years just makes them eligible to APPLY doesn't mean they'll get somewhere. Where are you? Sounds like London where in most parts there's already huge pressure on social housing. If that's what you're basing the "18 months" on you're going to be disappointed!!!

I'm in rural Scotland took me nearly 10 years to get social housing, dd and I both disabled, I'm also seriously mentally ill and not working so on benefits. This is not unusual. I have friends & family in various parts of the U.K. Inc London And it's much the same in most places

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/oct/19/council-house-wait-50-years-barking-and-dagenham-councillor-documentary-london-no-place-to-call-home

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jun/09/more-than-1m-families-waiting-for-social-housing-in-england

Most people would consider 18 months bloody fast!!

"They will be second from the bottom of the list, with only single men below them" yep!

Being retired is meaningless! The kind of thing that gets you "points" is dependent children, serious illness/disability, homelessness, serious overcrowding, victim of domestic abuse - and even people with these issues are struggling!

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housingadvice/councillhousingassociation/whoocanapplyyforcouncillhousing

Trevor's unlikely to inherit much from his mum as her capital in her house could well go to providing her elderly care - why haven't they moved in with her? Ah they tried that already - I'd take their tale of her being the bad guy with a BIG pinch of salt!

"Prepare to be stared at blankly by your mum and Trev as you realise that staying with you is The Plan." Yep! Talk is cheap - actions speak louder.

If they're on a decent income they can bloody well save up and be out within 6 months max! They don't have to live in your borough if it's too expensive, I'm sure a neighbouring one will be cheaper and still within commuting range (if necessary - what is the business?)

They sound like freeloading, immature twats!

OP, she may be your DM, but ultimately, their housing situation is their responsibility. Literally, tell them it isn't working for you and they need to look at private rentals asap. It's really not that difficult.

oh, and he sounds like a fkin pig...get rid.

channel a strict but benevolent nurse,

This may be the best advice I have ever read on here.

The rules for social housing eligibility are that you need to be resident in an area for 6 months to go on LBC list as eligible, then it's about points on how long you wait. You can apply for housing in another area sue to links but will be out lower in list. Your DM & her DH work and have resources to be able to rent privately.

It varies from area to area how long it will take to find a.m property: for.eg. for retired people in my area it's about 3 years, for disabled people it's quicker if suitable properties come up, all depending on their current circumstances. My aunt and uncle got a place in North East England (but high points as disabled aunt and uncle is 80 yo) waited 6 months & got offered a lovely flat they've moved into.

Home counties, London and heavily subscribed other areas, can be years longer. Your local housing office will give them an idea of their wait lists

Maybe they just need to talk to.local housing dept about help with (or loan of) a deposit for private rental. And wait out their time should StepF's mum home become later inherited by them (if it's not sold to pay for care home).

Regardless, if living arrangements aren't suiting you, then as adults, they ought find their own place

Set your ground rules for your home, and time limit (leaving at latest in 18 months time as that's what you originally agreed to)

I've considered that my local authority restricting bungalows to over 55s (regardless if they have any disabilities etc, age is the sole eligibility criteria) is ageism? Being restricted from one when we are both carrying serious disability is shocking, even have support from GP, social worker, medical specialist nurse. We fall numerous times a week in current property too. Sorry for hijack, am seriously considering posting this as it's own thread.

I say all this kindly. My DM and DDad will come to.live with me if DC have left home and I have room but they'll be bringing their money from their home if /when they do, so I could afford to upgrade house or to make a downstairs bedroom for them or a granny flat. I'm in the social care field, so have considered all the ins and outs.

But my parents wouldn't try to live off of me now, nor take over my house (nor ever make me feel uncomfortable,... yes they have their foibles when they stay for long periods... mostly kindly meant bossiness!... but none involve walking around disrespectfully dressed!), whilst they see their role as helping me out because I'm still a mum of young children in their eyes. They proper help out and clean tidy and my dad fixes things even if I don't want them fixed!! (He gets carried away!) My parents are older than yours, my dad is nearly 80 😁

I see my role as helping them with things they ask for help in, support their independence, love them when they stay to enjoy company of GDC, expanding their range of foods they'll try, helping them join 21st Century for technology, and when they do need me more than my grown DC do, I'm here for them to come join me.

@SimplySteve post your own thread as people can then see it with your specific details/issues. It won't get picked up on here

Definitely a territory thing, he’s proving himself to be the dominant male and will act as he wants with no regard to you, it’s like a silent display of ‘fuck you’. Can’t see how you can handle 18 months of this OP

Trevor you look vile worn out I've run you a nice bath and then you can get some clothes on and relax. preferably fuck off to bed weirdo
Eeeeeeew

18 months NO WAY ?!

Yup Bedhampton, have done so :)

You must say something, you own the place not him.
Failing that put up a nude calendar of extremely attractive men and tell him that if you have to look at semi naked men in your own home then they might as well be attractive ones seeing as you can't look at your DH when he's away.

I would tell him straight, and in front of your DM, whilst he is sweaty and naked, or being slovenly, lazy, or expecting others t do for him. Say the rent will be going up, substantially, as you will not be doing extra work and him get to not pay.

Time to have the talk

Please start calling him Trevor.