How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

Thatwasfast - Clearly people hear what they want to. Also I agree that my parents would never have known that I wished they were younger or that I was so worried about the future. Obviously I didn't want to upset them so said nothing, but believe me I felt it.

I’ve repeatedly defended having older parents on here. I’m the child of older parents.

Meh. My son could be worried about the future because of twat exH. Children get worried about the future because their parents struggle with money, or are unemployed. Any young parent could develop Parkinson, or any degenerative disease, cancer, etc.

My mum was 43 dad 44 when I was born, they are both dead now but so are many of my friends parents who were younger. I have older siblings so that might make a difference, but I never thought about my parents age and had a happy childhood. I think I kept them young as they had a much younger outlook than some of their friends the same age.

I'm 43 dh 44 we just had our fourth baby. I'm amazed people think late 30s / over 40 is too old, I know very few people who had their babies younger than 30! All my friends have similar aged children.

I don't think people are discounting or ignoring the experience of those who are currently adults who had elderly parents and found the experience of caring for them and other consequences difficult. However, as we shouldn't discount those very real experiences, we also shouldn't discount those who talk about having older parents and it not being an issue, or the fact that people mention other qualities that parents might have which have a far worse impact on childhood and the lives of children into adulthood. It would also be wrong to see people becoming mothers at 40 today as exactly the same as them becoming mothers at 40 in the 1960s or 70s, or to imagine the children born to older parents today will have exactly the same experiences as those who are now well into middle age. Although risks of being older are still higher than for those who are younger, most people are in better health for longer and live for longer, plus of course having older parents will increasingly be common rather than rare and unusual. With all these things, downsides and risks have to be identified and weighed don't they and then a decision made - and not everyone will reach the same conclusions because there isn't a categorical right answer. Because some people found being the children of older parents difficult doesn't mean all will, nor does the fact some found it no issue mean all will.

If I was 40 ish and hadn't had a child and was really keen to be a parent, I think I'd think to myself, about all the pluses and all the potential risks, their severity and liklihood - I guess if carry out a risk assessment if you like.
Risks
yes there are risks of me dying before my children grow up - very awful if it happens and very low risk. yes, there are risks of me entering poor health and dying whilst my children are in their 20s or 30s - fairly awful it it happens and reasonable risk.

Other factors
Am I in a stable relationship, am I financially stable, am I capable of bringing up a child, am I capable of engaging with a child and loving them? do I really want to be a parent? Can I see a child having a happy life and enjoying a relationship with me?

And I'd balance the risks, which are the severity and the liklihood against the positives, and reach my decision. Everyone will weight the risks and positives slightly differently and therefore reach different conclusions.

Some may decide that the risks are too great and the chance of earlier illness and death is just too negative even bearing in mind all the positives for the parents and also the child that would then exist. Others might decide that although there are risks, they are low enough and uthe positives so great, that the positives outweigh the risks and make it worth going for.

Personally, if I were 40ish and childless and wanted a child badly, I think I might weigh these risks and decide to go ahead, but I'm not saying all should or its the right answer because there isn't a right answer. I'd recognise the risk but see it as low. I'd also try to mitigate the risk as far as I could - so I'd keep working on staying fit and healthy and I'd put measures in place to help with my care if I were to become ill in my child's 20s or 30s and I'd work hard on making sure they had a good support network around them so any burden could be shared/they had support. And I'd take the risk because I think that the numbers who experience an older parent dying in their childhood are low, those experiencing illness and death of parent in 20s and 30s are higher but not totally devastating for most, and mostly becaue I believe the benefits and enjoyment BOTH parents and child would get from the parental-child relationship, however long it lasts will be good enough to make it worthwhile. That's not to say there won't be costs/disadvantages - there are in all relationships of all types and with all ages, but is there a net benefit - and I don't just mean to parents, but to children too. And I personally would go ahead becaue in my situation and with my assessment of the risks and positives, I believe overwhelmingly that I could be a great parent and my child could have a happy life.

Of course, I could be wrong, but I can only act based on the information I have and on a reasoned assessment of it all. We all have to make decisions based on partial information and uncertainty all the time - and sometimes the best case scenario happens and sometimes the worst does. If the worst case scenario happens, it doesn't make the decision wrong. And I think we have to assess the risks and then live our lives both in the reality of the those risks, but with hope and looking forward and to enjoy our lives, not in fear which stops us from doing anything or living negatively.

Dp and I are those older parents.

However we are really laid back parents.

Both dd and ds’s friends have wished we were their parents because we let our dc go to any party or anywhere they get an invite to whilst other children have to beg and plead and can only go occasionally.

This has resulted in us being able to say no to things we don’t feel comfortable with.

Eg party at friend of a friends house which sounded like it was too big and could kick off which it did and dd was grateful she hadn’t gone.

It also means we can ask that they don’t drink and so far that has had a better outcome to those that have been “taught to drink” who go wild at parties because they aren’t let out that often or think that drinking alcohol is ok because their parents allow it even if they are only 15.

I have known some very old fashioned parents who have been in their 20s and some older parents in their 60s dancing away at a music festival with their teenage children with no shame from their children.

I have known younger parents who have abandoned their teens and moved out of the family home.
I have known younger parents who offered their young child a choice between a colouring book or some crayons for Christmas. He could only choose one as they didn’t want to spoil him.

Or the younger parents who get on my tits are those that have had 2 children by the time they are 23 and are very vocal if anyone has a 3rd or 4th or is older than them when they get pregnant.
Just because they can’t do it they think no one else can.

I was only 22 when I had my first, 35 when I had my 3rd, my DH 44. So I've been a younger and an older parent. Haven't noticed much difference at all other than being financially more secure with number 2 and 3 so less stress and pressure and perhaps being more laidback and worrying less about little things as a slightly older parent.

So your dad was being selfish by bringing you into existence? You'd rather not have been born?!

Personally with older parents (I'm 22 my dad is 64 and Mum is 57 nearly 58) I just find I'm not as close with them at all, they have very old fashioned viewpoints on a lot of things and don't know what the 'youth of today' are like, they were amazing when we were kids but the teenage years and since have been very tough, it's one of the reasons I want kids in my 20's.

As long as it works for you I think any age is right, there are pros and cons to everything. I had my little boy at 20 and I’m not sure if I will be having more, but if I do it’ll be in the next 5 or so years, so by the time they’re teenagers I’ll only be in my mid 40s and still young enough to go for a career and still have a good party. Whilst my auntie has just had a baby at 45 and she’s got all the clubbing out of the way and now focused on only her little one. It’s just what’s best for the individual in my opinion.

I think it depends on your own health, well-being and mindset.

MIL was mid 20’s when she had DH. We had our babies late 30’s...at age 66 she is now a grandma and she acts really slow and OLD!!

I see lots of visibly older grandparents out and about with lots of energy and vigour, so it isn’t just an age thing. She just acts old!!

Must remember to act young and sprightly when we finally have grandchildren...we’ll probbaly be mid-70’s by then

Anything over 40. 46 would definitely be a no go

My DM and DDad had three kids in their 20s and me in their 40s. I’m 36 and they’re still fighting fit! I’ve just had my first child with DP who is in his late 40s which worried him but didn’t worry me at all. I want her to have a sibling tho as I don’t like the thought of being an only child as parents get older etc.

Nature intended women to keep going until menopause, men indefinitely! My cut off was always 28ish as I didn’t fancy having a teenager as I neared my 50s, but the older I got it changed to 35. (Had my children early 20s no way could I handle it at 40+ like a lot of women these days!) Any older you don’t get to enjoy them as much in my opinion and risk on missing out seeing your grandchildren grow up. Obviously every one is different and someone becoming a parent from 20 could be useless and die young whereas a parent at 50 could live to 100 and be amazing, no one knows the future. I think you should just go with what feels best, you only have one life and regrets are harder than a baby later in life.

I was 42 when I had my last child. I don't feel old and he is an energetic boy but he would have been like that if I was 28. I have no regrets. Three of my friends had children at 42, 43 and 40. I just heard an acquaintance who had her first at 42 is expecting her second at 44. It's pretty normal now..

I have three DC. Youngest is now 4 - I was 35 when I had him and DH was 43.
I was 23 when I had my first - right in the middle of also trying to get my career off the ground.
To be honest I have found parenting easier as I got older. Less trying to burn the candles at both ends, more relaxed about it, less of a perfectionist. I'm a much more chilled parent now in my late 30's than I was in my 20's.
DH is now at the top of his career, can afford to take a step back and spend more time at home with the dc. I don't regret having a child in my early 20's but personally I have found it easier in my mid 30's
I wouldn't have any more now due to already having 3 but I would probably have a cut off of 45.

I had mine at 33, 37 and 40, Um now 54 and my youngest is 14. I'm in much better shape physically and emotionally than in my late 30's (abusive marriage) Last summer we went white water rafting and in August we will climb Mt Fuji. Im as fit as many people 10 years younger and quite able to cope with teenagers.
There is no specific age ! Having said that my father was in his early 50's when I was born and really took no part in my upbringing - but then he was a very selfish man ....
Its much more about personality and commitment that age

Someone called it selfish to be 40+

Some of us only meet men in our mid to late 30’s. Should we have trapped men in our earlier years? Because surely that’s even more selfish than waiting for the right person to have a child with?

I was 42 when I had my 4th Child . He is now 10 . I do not feel 52, I am much younger looking than a typical early 50s . I am pretty fit, not over weight so my intention is to go for another 30 - 40 years 🤞. DH is 41 , so lots of life left in him too 😀. I think if you are fit and healthy then you should go for it, we are all living longer .

There's absolutely no rule, I agree with OP on that. I've seen a solid, caring couple in their 40s have a happy, fulfilled child and I've seen a young couple have a child who aren't really emotionally ready to be patents and the child is dumped on anyone who will babysit so they can still go out etc, but obviously there's no hard and fast rules because age doesn't make a good parent and life expectancy is 80+ now which is great for parents and grandparents too.

For myself, due to family history of cancer, strokes and coronary diseases I think 40 is my upper limit.

If you’re in good health why should age be any barrier?

I was 44 years old and DH was 49 when DS was born. Our first and only.

We were very lucky. DH has a well paid semi self employed job (think consultant type work) and it meant I could stay home with DS.

Now he's 11 I'm two years into building my own business which means I can work around his school day so I'm still there for him when he gets home. I've done the career bit - I enjoy the challenge of my own business now. Hopefully I can still carry on into my 'pensionable' age as having the extra money would be very nice thank you!

DS has travelled abroad a lot because we've had the time and money to allow us to do that. DH can take time off when he wants to to a certain extent which he couldn't do 20 years ago when he was a 'staffer'. As long as we've put aside the money he'd lose, we can take whatever time is needed.

DH and DS have a great relationship. DH seems to manage to pack a lot into a day out so it's not unusual for the two of them to go off on Saturday to have a swim and end up at some kids event or other because they saw it advertised on a hoarding somewhere on the way to the swimming pool.

We try to take DS to pop concerts or shows because we're aware that we are older parents and our taste is different to what is fashionable now - so we try to keep current. DS tends to guide us on that! But DS also has a love of 70s - 90s music because we play that in the car as well and he's been to concerts by people like Fleetwood Mac and Donny and Marie Osmond (yes I know but it was great - now that's an older man and woman who have more energy than some 20 years olds!) He's learning that music, films, TV programmes etc can be good even if they are from a different era. He's learning to appreciate things for what they are rather than if they're fashionable.

We go to the cinema a lot so he keeps up to date with films (and so do we) so we're probably doing more than a lot of families because we have the time and the money that we certainly didn't have in our 20s.

In some respects we're more relaxed than some of his friends parents because experience has taught us how to handle a lot of situations. We also know we've done a lot of the things he wants to do ourselves and come out unscathed so we can guide him.

But...we know that although he's not deprived of anything, we are older. We know DS is judged by how we look so we try to keep our weight down, dress nicely (not suited and booted but nicely cut clothes) because you look older if you look scruffy.

And we've already thought about what happens when, as my mum has just done, we need to go into a care home. Our plan is to downsize when DS leaves home - giving him a nest egg then rather than when we die. That way if the house gets sold to pay the care bills, he's already comfortable.

Having said that, I think it's just common sense to think 'what if' if you decide to have a family, regardless of your age. Life can throw you a lemon sometimes and, as far as possible, you need some sort of plan in place so you can throw it back!