How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

The older mums I knowe of were aware of the risks but all the children are heal thy.

‘The sperm cells will be old’

Eh?

Men aren’t born with their stocks of sperm. They produce fresh batches (as it were) every day throughout their lives.

Sperm cells take about 3 months to mature. If the mature cells aren’t ‘used’ within a certain window, they are simply reabsorbed by the man’s body. They don’t hang around, rotting in his balls.

Though, it appears that the quality (if not numbers) of sperm declines with advancing male age.

My dad was 47 when I was born, my mum considerably younger and was his second wife. He was good when I was little but I was absolutely mortified when I was a teenager but you have to remember the vast majority of parents were younger then. As an adult he has been an absolute wealth of sense when I've had problems and so calm in his approach and advice. He's almost 87 now and flying around. I opted to have my kids on the younger side by today's standards ie) was finished early 30's as ultimately I prefer being able to relate more which I felt he didn't until I was an adult.

Just to those posters saying about autism like it's this big awful negative outcome- my best friend is diagnosed as highly functioning autistic and I wouldnt change her for the world.

My cousin has Asperger's, diagnosed when she was 6. She's 24 now and she's such an incredible character, I couldn't imagine the family dynamic without her exactly as she is.

I'm sure people don't mean to be offensive, but I think the world would be a poorer place if we eliminated every syndrome, spectrum and so forth that we didn't deem 'perfect' or 'normal'.

And thank you again to those sharing their personal family experiences and feelings. It's much appreciated. X

@ChocolateWombat

Great post.

Well I have sons so realistically the chances of them becoming carers for me is slim. Both my parents died without needing any of their dc to be carers for them either. If you don’t want your child to end up doing that, you accept moving into more appropriate accommodation when the time comes.

My friend is expecting her second and she must be late 40s by now (IVF or similar).

However she is able to be at home full time as the mortgage is paid off which may not have been the case if she had been younger. Swings and roundabouts.

My parents and grandparents both died in their 60s. I found it very hard to lose parents in my 30s so would imagine it would've even harder younger. That is why my last was born when I was late 30s. At least I have a fighting chance of making it to her adulthood!

this has been a really interesting read. I have had children in my 20's and then had a late accident at 42. I actually found having dc in my 20's harder and more stressful, lots of work worries trying to get on career wise, get on the housing ladder, financial insecurities, by the time I was 42 I was well established career wise, own my home with no mortgage, financially more secure and emotionally much calmer and more confident.

Now my (slightly younger) partner and I are considering having another child, we have considered our age but we are both healthy, financially its not an issue, we are both self employed with the flexibility that that brings and we both really want a child. We are currently undergoing the health checks to ensure that we are as fit as possible. We dont know what the future holds, it may not happen for us, but if it does the child will be very much wanted and loved by us both for however long we live, the same as with most younger parents

I had my second DC at 34. You are definitely not too old, nor is DH. My only concern would be the finances of supporting a DC through university on a pension, but as a) you are already financially confident and b) the idea of a working cut-off is eroding, there is no obstacle. Grab the champagne, book a weekend away and go for it. :-)

This is going to sound incredibly harsh, but again I’m speaking from experience as the child of older parents

You can physically have a child late - as a man or woman - and you can be in great health for 10, 20 years.

I’m speaking more about older fathers - from experience. You have no way of guaranteeing you’ll be in decent health and not a burden after those 10-20 years. Even in a “decent” form of aging, you commonly have problems with reaction times, hearing, eye sight, mobility etc. Woop-di-do if you can say your family hasn’t and just magically drop dead in great health at 100.

I wonder how many people saying “we should be more willing to provide care for our elderly relatives” know the reality of doing that, of losing life opportunities and relationships (building friendships and having a normal life, job and personal opportunities and the feeling of hope), in the prime of your life in your 20s. Your life is stunted. And it feels inevitable - I was suddenly very aware when my dad became old. Then it was all a sudden and visually awful decline.

If you can bring a child into this world, with an older dad, and basically have the cash to guarantee care would be paid for, fine. Kid can live it’s life but still has to deal with grief - not just losing a parent young, but re-losing them at every step in life where a parent’s role is needed (weddings, having kids). It’s a constant hole in your life.

I’ve seen a lot of incredibly selfish men marrying/ having kids on a “second go at life”. They are absolute arses, they have no real care for those children. Those kids are entertainment / a vanity project for them.

Again, speaking from experience.

FYI also had an older mum. If you’re under 45 IMO it’s fine - more normal in this society and buys the kid a lot more valuable time when you need your parents still parenting you!!

Great posts Notmyrealname. Thank you. You have articulated my experience very well, and that of other children of older parents. I do think it a good balance against the starry-eyed romanticism here.

Im a carer for my elderly father (dementia). Its hard enough in my late 40s - juggling it w work and looking after my kids (13, 11). I actually seem to be quite young to be in this position - most people i know in a similar position are in their 50s or 60s. Doing it in my 20s or 30s would have been bloody awful. I still really relied on my parents emotionally then. Thankfully mum is much ypunger than dad. It would be really grim if she was having major health problems too.

I'm surprised how negative some people are about the issues involved in caring for elderly parents. Isn't part of being a civilised society that we take responsibility for and care for the elderly,nfirst and foremost those in our own families. All of us will need care one day

Hopefully not.

Anyway it's not as easy as you blithely assume. A pp has already said that if you are young it kills your dreams, may even kill your own chances of having a family. If you are older it affects your own kids and what you can do with them. And it isn't always practical anyway. When my father needed care it needed two adults plus equipment to move him. And even if my DH and I had both given up our jobs to look after him, what would we then have lived on? And what happens when DH's parents need looking after, if he's already looking after mine? I disagree that the social contract means you have to look after your parents. They looked after you, you look after your kids. It's up to people approaching old age to consider where they live and their care needs. Don't stay rattling around a big detached house when you can move to a smaller house or a flat.

And yeah, caring for an elderly parent is not necessarily the fulfilling and mutually respectful task you might think.

@Notmyrealname85

That really does sound negative.

I don't think the age of the father should be the prime consideration simply because it may mean his child has to be his carer.

To be blunt, if someone needs a huge amount of care, they have to go into a care home- there comes a point where family cannot cope.
More of an issue is location. Many of my friends who live away from elderly parents are not able to care for them so the dilemma is which care home.

There is no RIGHT age to be the carer for a parent (and there are 12 year olds who are caring for young parents, don't forget.)

It's hard if you are still a child, if you have young children, or are still in your 20s.

It's hard if you are in your 50s or 60s when you might be struggling with your own midlife issues - teenage children, children going through university, coming back home to live, trying to find work, and then helping to look after grandchildren AND you don't have as much energy as a younger person.

But let's get real: someone who is a father at 45, is unlikely to be in poor health at 65 or 70 IF they look after their health (and 70% of chronic illness in later life is due to lifestyle.)

No parent has a RIGHT to be cared for by their child.

I don't know any of my friends- and we have parents in their 80s and 90s- who are their carer.

Those parents who became too ill to be cared for at home (with social services carers and community nursing) are now in care homes.

Those who need a bit of help, ask their children to taxi them to appts, do their shopping, etc. I don't actually know anyone who is a full time carer - but many of us are juggling our own work, children, relationships etc with trying to see our elderly parents when we can (often VERY long distance.)

Care homes aren't a magic solution. They simply raise a whole set of new issues.

I’ve seen a lot of incredibly selfish men marrying/ having kids on a “second go at life”. They are absolute arses, they have no real care for those children. Those kids are entertainment / a vanity project for them.

That is an absolutely disgusting comment. You sound bitter and deranged.

Who are you to call them 'arses' who have no real care for their child? That they are 'entertainment'?

Care homes aren't a magic solution.

No one said they were. But if someone needs more help than they can get at home, sometimes it's the only solution.

I know. My dad died 3 days before he could be admitted to one, at 92. My mum the same age could no longer look after him. She'd given 3 years of her life caring for him along with the rest of the family.

Are you a second wife Katy?

Katy That is a horrible thing to say to say to Notmyrealname85. She is speaking from her own experience, as am I and others on this thread. Not our fault that some of you just don't want to hear it.

I absolutely think it's true that a lot of older parents (especially late 40s onwards) are having kids to satisfy their own wants, without considering the kind of life they're setting up for the child. That is selfish, and it's not bitter or deranged (seriously?) having lived the experience.

An elderly parent who I cared for died as a result of being in a care home due to neglect and supposedly trained staff not recognising he had an infection.