How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

Meant it's not bitter or deranged to point that out, having lived the experience.

I was trying to be vague in case it was outing, but yeah it was my Dad.

@LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset

No. I'm not.
Are you?

I’m 47 and I had my first at 27 my second at 34 and my third st 35. I was always one of the older mums at school! It seems now though mid thirties is the usual age to have the first. I wouldn’t have a baby past 40. I think men can get away with being older though.

Care homes are not perfect. Far from it. That is why we as a family struggled on but having a 91 yr old caring for another 91 yr old is far from easy.

@Sakura7
Sorry to disagree but it comes over as very bitter.

It's really unacceptable to say that men who become fathers later in life (and I see she doesn't say what age her own father was) are 'arses' and see their children as 'entertainment'. That's a disgraceful comment.

Katy She gave her father's age earlier in the thread. 51 I think. I do agree that this is too old, and people who have kids at that age are doing it purely for themselves and not for the good of the child. We don't all have a divine right to be parents no matter what the circumstances. I get that it doesn't work out for some people earlier in life, but there has to come a point where people realise and accept that the ship has sailed.

Nope .

I think you are at a good age to start a family, as a woman I would be afraid to leave it much longer in case it didn't happen. And even if your husband is a bit older that shouldn't matter too much because your baby will have both of you and you are still young.

I personally plan on being done having children by 35 but I'm pregnant with my first at nearly 29 so easy for me to think that

If I were you I would give it a go and see how you get on. If you think you would regret never having children then there isn't much to consider.

I’ve seen a lot of incredibly selfish men marrying/ having kids on a “second go at life”. They are absolute arses, they have no real care for those children. Those kids are entertainment / a vanity project for them.

That also applies to dangerous professions, then. Parents in the military, police, who do dangerous sports, etc.
How about selfish professionals who work long hours?

Or selfish disabled parents who know their children are also likely to be blind or deaf?

Big can of worms there.

A male acquaintance of mine is 62 and has a 10 year old daughter...and he smokes. I know it's an addiction however he could see a doctor and get help to quit but hasn't bothered. It's hard to see that as anything other than extremely selfish.

When people speak of having children purely to satisfy the parents desires being selfish, surely everyone who chooses to have children is doing it because they want to - it cannot be to serve the needs of the child, because the child doesn't exist without the decision of the parents.

I've found this thread interesting. It has made me think more about elderly fathers, when previously I'd only really thought about women. I still think that a woman becoming a mother in her 40s is okay and that it leaves enough time for the majority to see their children grow up and also be parents to them as adults, before health issues creep in and eventually they die. I can see that men becoming fathers in their late 50s or beyond is different, because those health issues might only be 10 or 15 years away and even with a younger wife, some of the care may fall on the children and I can se how difficult that can be. I guess most people facing that scenario think of it in terms of the woman being significantly younger in order to have children, so the care of a possible sick father would be undertaken by them and not the children, and they think of it in terms of at least one parent (even a mother having a baby in 40s) is likely to be around and in better health for a significant while beyond that.

Looking after the elderly with serious health issues is really difficult. It seems to cause huge resentment for the people on this thread and Inwonder if it is the caring or the fact of doing it at a younger age than most which is the bigger issue. And I wonder how the many more children of older parents will feel about this in 20 years time or so, when they face the caring issue - because it will be more normal, will people accept it more? Is it the fact it was very unusual to have significantly older parents the fact that made the caring so burdensome?

I'm also interested in the mention of embarrassing older fathers particularly for teens.....the whole thing about being taken for grandfathers or being out of touch - I can see that is an issue for teenagers, but teenagers find so many things embarrassing and excrutiating and fortunately that phase passes, so I don't think too much weight can be placed on that concern, and it certainly isn't enough of a downside to say people shouldn't be older parents.

I can see how it happens though - the older man re-marrying a younger woman who hasn't had children and wants them.....and he doesn't want to deny her the chance to be a mother, and it's all still naturally possible.....well it might be a very hard man to refuse that urge of the woman to become a mother....but I can see that if the man is very elderly already there are bigger consequences probably than a woman in her 40s becoming a mother.

And here's a question which might be controversial.....if it's selfish or wrong to have a child over a certain age, because of the risks of ill health/dying during childhood or in early adult hood, with all of the caring burdens it might bring, is it more or less selfish or equivalent to other circumstances people might find themselves in when they choose to have children?

Some people are very quick to condemn those who are older and having children, but what about those who are very young, or those who will struggle to financially support a child, or those with special needs, or those who live lives with addictions? Is it wrong for example to be over 40 but okay to have a child if you are poor?

I'd think that some of these suggestions feel uncomfortable. We don't really want to say certain groups shouldn't have children......but seem willing to say something of this type about age. Is this a sign that ageism is still seen as more acceptable than other prejudices or is age genuinely different or worse than these other 'less than perfect' situations, if you want to think about them like that?

Again, I'd say that the only principle we can really draw in the end, is that those planning to become parents should be responsible, loving and have the capacity to parent the child and help them grow up to become responsible adults. It seems to me that these things are not very related to the age of the parent.

I absolutely think it's true that a lot of older parents (especially late 40s onwards) are having kids to satisfy their own wants, without considering the kind of life they're setting up for the child. That is selfish, and it's not bitter or deranged (seriously?) having lived the experience.

Doesn't everybody have a child for their "own wants" as you put it?
People have children when they are homeless, very poor, overcrowded, on drugs, have an abusive partner or are themselves abusive, alcoholics, severe MH problems, genetic disorders, in prisons etc etc...There are worse things that becoming a mum in your 40's.

I agree that surely everyone has children for purely selfish reasons.

No one is going to say, ‘I want to bring a child into this world to ensure they will be a higher tax payer and make an important co tribute on to society’.

And as a PP said, everyone e seems happy to comment on ‘older mums’ but few would dare to say that very young, poorly educated, unemployed women shouldn’t be having children just because their fertility is ‘the right time’.

What reasons are there to have or not have a child which are not selfish ones?

chocolate I guess the difference with age is that theoretically we have some control over that element. Other aspects we do not.
If I am honest I do think people with addictions should not have children until they are conquered and that people with special needs should not have children if they can not take care of them. Although with the latter it is common for one parent to be able to do this, even if the other parent can not do everything. Also remember a lot of disabilities do not have an impact on life expectancy.

Also remember a lot of disabilities do not have an impact on life expectancy.

I thought it was all about the risk of caring for a less than fully able adult.

That is part of it. But if someone had a disability that meant they would likely die very young, then that has to be part of the weighing up as well.

We're getting into the field of eugenics if we want to discuss who should have children.

There are many scenarios where having a child is unwise.

-Single schoolgirl / boy parents unable to support a child financially
--Drug addicts
-People with genetic disabilities who risk passing it on
-Travellers whose children can't access good education
-Smokers

• Obese parents (whose own child is likely to be obese as the pattern is laid down during pregnancy to the unborn child.)

There are far worse parents than those whose age is considered 'selfish'.

The retirement age is 67. Some people I know are still working in their 70s. The days of being on the scrap heap at 65 are long gone.

There is no reason why a fit 70 yr old man can't be a good parent to his child of 20.

They are probably fitter than someone 20 years younger who is obese, diabetic, at risk from heart disease and cancer.

We are a very ageist society. I personally think if we had to choose between youth and poverty, or older age but financial stability and some life experience, the child is better with the latter.

Nobody is suggesting that people should be planning to have kids in their teens/early twenties and raise them in poverty. The point being made is that anyone thinking of having children should consider the situation they're bringing them into, and look at the long term rather than just the baby/toddler stage. Age is one factor in this, as is financial security, emotional stability, etc.

As for the list above, I believe some of these people should not be having children. Certainly not drug addicts, and I'd argue that it's wrong to have a child if you have a high chance of passing on a life-limiting/life-threatening condition. Obviously it's a decision for each individual, but that's just my view.

Nobody is talking about stopping people having kids. But just that people need to think about these things seriously.

Also Katy, how can you know at 50 that you'll still be fit and healthy at 70? Chances are by 75 there will be health issues, which is hard for a 25 year old to deal with when they need the space and independence to build their own life - maybe travel, live abroad, start building a career, start a relationship, etc. Even if the parents are reasonably healthy, the worry of what's coming down the road will impact the child's decisions. It's much easier to help elderly parents when you're settled in your life, rather than when you're trying to start it.

I had DD1 at 38 and DD2 at 41. I make no apologies for that - I didn't meet my partner until my mid 30s and I wasn't going to just go out and get pregnant by anyone in order to have a baby earlier. That would have been far, far more irresponsible than having a baby in a loving relationship in my 40s!

how can you know at 30 that you'll still be fit and healthy at 50?

how can you know at 20 that you'll still be fit and healthy at 40?

It's true for all ages.

And all parents should evaluate their own circumstances and decide if it's a good time to have children, although, if we were all waiting for the ideal time, we'd never have any.