How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

No age if you earn enough and can look after the child. My father worked full time until age 77. Plenty of us will be working weill into our 70s so could support a child then.

A 40 or 50 year old is far more likely to be in good health than a 70 year old, that is obvious.

StepAway, nothing wrong with 38 and 41 IMO, the people here speaking of difficult experiences had parents of 45+ and some into their 50s.

Average life expectancy for men is 79. Yes more people are working after retirement age, but many are not able to.

Also Katy, how can you know at 50 that you'll still be fit and healthy at 70? Chances are by 75 there will be health issues,

Goodness what a negative and unrealistic comment.

Most people who take care of their health (and that's the important bit) are not unhealthy at 70.

Did you see Judi Dench being interviewed about 'old age'? A paramedic asked her if she had a carer when she was stung by a hornet. Her reply was 'Fuck off, I've just done 8 weeks in the Winter's Tale at the Old Vic.' she's 84.

You see @Sakura this is what I mean by ageist.

70 is young these days.

I've a neighbour who is around 75 and has a child from a 2nd marriage who is now around 25. dad is still very active. And has a younger wife, so it's not going to be the child who cares for him if he's unwell.

I think you are forgetting that if fathers are 50, their wives will be 10 or 15 years younger. It won't be the child who does the caring.

Average life expectancy for men is 79.

No it's almost 84.

Katy, look at Government information, it is 79 for men and 82 for women.

Life expectancy at birth in the UK did not improve in 2015 to 2017 and remained at 79.2 years for males and 82.9 years for females.

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/lifeexpectancies/bulletins/nationallifetablesunitedkingdom/2015to2017

Ok fair enough but what's more important is that it is an average and not the mean. There are pockets of low life expectancy in the UK, namely Scotland the NE, where there are high levels of obesity and smoking. These skew the average downwards. In other parts of the UK, especially the south, life expectancy for men is closer to mid-80s.

There are significant regional variations.

Most of these early deaths are down to lifestyle and chronic lifestyle-related illness.

The bottom line is that if you have a child at 50, as a man, you are more likely to see your child reach adulthood and perhaps 30-35, than not.

That's the best any of us can hope for.

Both my parents lost their fathers before they were out of their teens so having a child at a young age is never a guarantee you will be around till your child is 50+.

Depends where you are, where I used to work in Merthyr Tydfil life expediency was 55 for a male. It's gone up to 58 now but still shocking

Basically if you are well off, your life expectancy is higher. Yes average life expectancy is lower in Scotland, Ireland and Wales and in the North of England.

South East England has the highest average life expectancy for men at 82.9.

These average life expectancies are for newborn children, not for older people.

Make your choices, but average life expectancy is not as high as many seem to think. And of course it is an average. Plenty of people die in their 50s and 60s and plenty of people make it to their 80s or 90s.
But remember the older you get, health can change very quickly. I have seen very fit healthy older people go downhill suddenly very fast.

There are no guarantees in life, but if you have the choice to control things, then it makes sense to minimise risk.

I just think it is ageist and wrong to pull out the father's age as such an important factor in parenting.

There are SO many other factors that are examples of 'bad' parenting , based on lifestyle factors.

I think age is way down the list.

We are not talking of TWO 50 yr olds having a child. The discussion is about a slightly older father, in the 45-50 range.

They are probably more financially secure, have more life experience, and may be able to give more time to their child because we assume they have reached the top of their career path and won't be carving out a career from the foothills.

I'm not sure what all the fuss is about.

What's not to approve of if you have a great dad for 30 years?
Is there some rule that says they have to be around till you are middle aged?

My mum was over 40 having my brother because they had problems conceiving before us. My dad was over 50. I honestly don't think it mattered, my dad was a young old man if you know what I mean, very fit and healthy and looked in his 60s. You have the hand youve been dealt with, and you're the one physically having the baby and you're young. Don't worry about it too much, if we all did that nobody would have a baby at all!!

But, looking at government figures, you quoted wrong figures before, I believe:

"Men and women aged 65 years could expect to live for an additional 18 to 20 years"
"In England, life expectancy for men aged 65 years in 2012 to 2014 was 18.8 years, while women at this age could expect to live for an additional 21.2 years. This means that a 65-year-old man could expect to live to almost 84 years, while a woman of the same age could expect to reach her 86th birthday"

Looking at the full tables:
National Life Tables, United Kingdom
Period expectation of life
Based on data for the years 2015-2017

at birth, for males: 79,18
at 50, for males: 81.29
at 60, for males: 82.57 (I think you said it was lower than 79)
at 65, for males: 83.55

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/lifeexpectancies/bulletins/lifeexpectancyatbirthandatage65bylocalareasinenglandandwales/2015-11-04#national-life-expectancy-at-birth

My DH was 44 when we had our 3rd child. I'm 8 years younger than him. Physically he's very fit, boxes and trains several times a week. His age wasn't a consideration to be honest when we thought about having a third. I'm 39 now and personally wouldn't consider having another child now, but that's more to do with the fact that I've already got 3 rather than because of my age.

Going back through the thread, it was menztoray who said life expectancy at 60 was lower than at birth, at 78, which is wrong. It's well over 80.

I think its everybodys personal choice, you may get an extremely fit and active 40 year old and a person the same age thats starting to feel their age.

For me 40 was the cut off point though if I had fallen pregnant by accident the lower side of 40 then it was ment to be, I would of been knacked but felt blessed at the same time.

Luckily for me my child bearing years are over.

Lweji - Yes if they get to 65. Lots of people sadly don't.

partinor Lweji - Yes if they get to 65. Lots of people sadly don't.

Now, the life expectancy at 65 is relevant for fathers of 65 yoa. Per definition, they got to 65.
The same for the 50, etc.

Lots of people also don't get to 30 or 40.

@ChocolateWombat

Thanks so much for your really considered posts; I feel less tied up in worrying about our ages, as you say, perspectively there are other considerations that matter far more. Thankfully we tick a lot of other boxes.

Yes it is relevant for 65 year old fathers. But a 65 year old father would be 81 by the time his child turned 16.

I didn't want kids past 35. I think over 40 is selfish

In your opinion.

As long as you are physically fit and mentally young at heart I don’t think age has anything to do with anything

I have a relative who had parents who were 16 and 18 years old when she was born.

She was an orphan at 4. Both died in accidents.

I have friends where the father is in their 70s and 80s and very active and other children who get nothing from their parents because of disability after they were born or who have parents who are workaholics.

As long as you feel up to parent you can’t let age get in the way.

I am nearly 60 with teenage children.

The only thing that lets me down is my short legs compared to their long legs and I don’t think that has anything to do with age

I find it interesting that many people on here are completley disregarding what myself, Sakura and other children of older parents are saying, in favour of ‘ well I’m in my 50s, and can run around after my 7 year old just fine’ or ‘ well I know someone who had kids at 25 and died at 38’ (I mean surely this is a reason to NOT have them late??)

The older parents on here are talking from their point of view, not their children’s. I would have always fiercely denied it being a problem to my parents to spare their feelings because I love them so much, but cried myself to sleep with worry and really noticed their ages.

If I were you OP, I’d have one ASAP, but either not have another or have a small gap. Id think about what your cut off is, I.e when DH is 48, of he has a child he’ll be 60 when it’s 12, and 66 when it’s 18, and 69 when it’s 21 and just leaving uni etc

Are there not also children of older parents who are happy having had older parents?

I have a relative who's the last of a large family, different DM to the rest, whose parents both died when he was in his 30s. However despite his DM being 20 years younger than his DF (and she was within many people's "acceptable" range) she died earlier from a short illness. He's talked about having an older DF and always positively.

Neither of you seem too old to me. Natural fertility will wane for you as you approach and pass 40, so there's a consideration but your husband hasn't got that problem.

When I was a teen I remember my mum bemoaning to me the fact she was far too old for her third, my younger sibling. They were a bloody handful though tbh.

In retrospect I'm puzzled as she was only 36 when they were born! Back in the 80s I think she was perceived as 'older'

I had my last at 34 and consider that to be fairly average certainly not old.

It's all relative. Depends on your feelings, your health. Im too knackered and fat to contemplate any more at 44 but I know someone who had a baby mid fifties with IVF and they are having a whale of a time with their cherished little one.