How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

I can’t believe some people have put 30ish

Basically you and your OH might be one of those people who live fit and well into your late 90's. But don't make important decisions thinking that you will. Most people don't.
And remember most people have at least a few years of very poor health before dying.

Indeed menztoray and people also forget that quality of life is important. My dad is still alive and will turn 80 this year, but he hasn't been well for a long time.

Also to address a PP, I'm absolutely not considering anyone in their 30s to be an old parent (36 certainly isn't), I'm talking early to mid forties and onwards. I think it also makes a difference if you have siblings within a reasonable age range and if one of the parents is younger. It's harder for an only child with 2 older parents. So the OP's situation isn't too bad as she's young herself and there isn't any family history of major illnesses.

As far as I am aware, men can still father children when in their 60s and beyond. For we women it's different, of course, and the "cut-off" date (ie when conception becomes unlikely without medical intervention) for most is the early 40s, if not a little before.

Life is unpredictable. Even if you have your children when in your 20s, there are no guarantees that you will live to see them grown up and settled down. It's all a bit of a lottery really.

I certainly don't think the OP and her husband are too old to become parents!

I'm 13 years and 3 months older than DW. We met when I was 37 and she was nearly 24. Because of things like double redundancy and deaths in the family it took us 5 years to marry and some difficulty with conceiving (we'd got to the point where we were beginning to think about IVF) meant that DC1 was born when I was 46. We though about whether to have another for a while and eventually decided that due to my age and DW's health conditions we'd have another so that, all being well, DC1 wouldn't be left at 35 with no remaining birth family. DC2 was born when I was 49.

Now I'm 61 . DC1 is 14 and DC2 is 11. I'm still working full-time (my state pension comes at 66 by which time DC1 should be at university, DC2 will be 16 and the mortgage should be paid off) and so far it's been ok. If I can keep working to 68 then that should see DC2 off to university.

So, while no-one knows what's around the corner, so far it's been ok. I don't think DC have suffered from me being older, and I think I've probably been better at being a parent than I would have been when I was younger.

A woman having a baby after 35 is defined as "advanced maternal age" "geriatric pregnancy", "elderly/mature gravida", whatever anyone here thinks!

Well I had mine at 23 and 28. My mum had me when she was 39 and my dad was 42, she thought I was menopause! However it is different now, as a lot of people are choosing to travel the world and have careers before having babies these days so being a first time parent later in life barely raises an eyebrow. But I certainly did notice having older parents. All of my friends at school would ask if it was my Gran, and having been pregnant for most of her adult life (big family) by the time I came along they were shattered and I was mostly raised by my eldest sisters.

I must say I am glad I had mine early, my youngest is 4 now and goes to school full time in September and I am looking forward to having that part of my life boxed off and having done it when I had the energy to bounce back and fully enjoy and participate in childhood as my parents weren't up to doing.

I think the most important thing for being an older parent is being healthy, young at heart, but also actually really wanting the baby and for the right reasons. If those things apply, age really is just a number. Good luck

I had a friend in secondary school whose dad was 75 so had him aged 60. The mum was obviously much younger. He was an only child and they were very wealthy, I really don’t think it bothered my friend bar the odd bit of teasing from idiots in school.

My best friend’s mum passed away when we were 25 of cancer. She had him in her thirties. Likewise my friend in school lost her dad from cancer when she was twelve, he was 36 at the time. You can’t control death, it can happen to anyone at any age so I don’t think it’s selfish to have children when you’re older, no. I think it’s selfish to have them when you’re clearly not ready to.

"You can’t control death, it can happen to anyone at any age."

This again

Of course it can happen at any age, but an average person is very unlikely to die in their 30s or 40s. Statistics don't lie. It's obvious that health declines as we age.

I’m 42 and would have another baby tomorrow. I think the cut off age is whenever a woman isn’t fertile anymore. I’m fit and healthy and have the same amount of energy I had 20 years ago.

What about IVF Rosie. What should be the cut off for that?

Of course it can happen at any age, but an average person is very unlikely to die in their 30s or 40s. Statistics don't lie. It's obvious that health declines as we age

Well put. It's not just about death either - it is about those older age complaints that mean that children tend to become carers ...

I think the cut off age is whenever a woman isn’t fertile anymore.
So anywhere between 13 and 55?

I personally decided I didn't want anymore past the age of 30 (not wishing to offend, that is what worked for us). It was important to me to have children young, I wanted to be full of energy and I wanted them to be able to get to know their grandparents. I wanted to still be working when they get to university age so that we can help fund them. I want to be able to be able to retire at a reasonable age and not work forever (mortgage will be paid off when I am mid 40's and kids out the other end of uni, if they go, when I am late 40's). Hopefully we can retire in our 50's and enjoy our older years. This is what worked for us but I totally get it would be a nightmare for many!

In general, I think people should plan to have their children before 35, 40 at the most, if at all possible, deliberately putting it off is a dangerous game. Risks increase and fertility decreases. However if they are happy to accept the risk of being 40+ and pregnant then that is their choice and for no one else to judge.

FWIW, the OP was primarily asking about fathers, yet most of the posts on here are folk weighing with their two penneth on old mums.

If you don't feel too old you're probably not.

Personally now I'm in my mid 40's, I don't think I would cope well with the tiredness that pregnancy and young children bring. But that's just me - perhaps if I'd not been through it a few times already, I wouldn't feel that way!

I was advised not to have children past 35 due to a medical condition in a previous pregnancy that has a higher chance of re-curring after this age. I had my final child at 32. That being said at almost 39 now, if I was to fall accidentally pregnant we would keep it and take the chance although this is definitely not something that I want.

it is about those older age complaints that mean that children tend to become carers ...

While if you have children younger you have to become carers in your old age when you could need carers yourselves.
This also means that anyone with a disability or health issues shouldn't become a parent because they'd just be selfish, right?

Lweji No I am in my late 50's Most of my peers are dealing with either parents dying or getting older and needing more help. Sometimes that help is care, sometimes just needing a bit more company and support. I can assure you I am nowhere close to needing care myself.

Whereas my mother had to take care of her 90s/110s mother in her late 70s.

You can't guarantee when you'll need to care for a parent.

In fact, if my grandmother had been a mother at 20, my mother would have had to care for her 100 something mother in her 80s.

The number of people living into their 100s is increasing, along with life expectancy.

You get a 50-50 chance that your parents will die (or, more relevant, need care) before they are 80, but the same chance that they will live beyond it.

My mother, in her late 60s ended up caring for my Grandmother (who’d had Mum at 27) and it nearly killed her. I ended up looking after both in my late 20s.

You can become a carer at anytime. Disabled child, spouse or parent. If I’d have married the man I’d wanted to at 18 and had babies mid-20s, I’d now be caring for him and children and, at times, my parents (but they are largely still working in their 70s). He went blind by 30 and is housebound due to a terrible case of type 1 diabetes. I’d also be caring for his mother (who had him in her early 20s) as she has a form of early onset Alzheimer’s. His father died before the age of 30.

You cannot control these things.

And in my health trust a geriatric pregnancy is considered to be over 42 now! Was different when I was born, my mum was labelled geriatric at 38.

40 would be cut off for me.

"You get a 50-50 chance that your parents will die (or, more relevant, need care) before they are 80, but the same chance that they will live beyond it."

There is a 50/50 chance they will die before 80, but a much higher chance that they will need care. People rarely go from being fit and spritey to dropping dead; it happens, but it's more likely that a person's health will decline gradually.

My dad may be alive at almost 80 (so he reached his life expectancy) but he has had no real quality of life for quite some years. I effectively lost him in my mid twenties - the dad I knew is long gone.

You can become a carer at anytime

Yes, but the odds increase as those potentially needing care age.