How old is too old?

[Dartilla]

To become a parent?

My DH is older than me and I wondered if a general consensus even existed about how old is too old to become a dad, or even a mum?

Is there an age where it becomes selfish to have a baby? I'm trying to get my own opinions straight, as naturally I think each to their own, but then I wonder if there's a line?

Does age matter? Would you personally have a 'cut off' age, as such?

I don’t think it’s too old. But I don’t understand how this has only just occurred to you?! Surely you knew his age when you got married?

OP - if both of you were 46 - it’d be a different story.
But you are smack in the right age for a child, and he still not that old. And active and heathy.

Are you not sure about having a child in general and hence lolkgm for a reason not to?

Dh was 47 when youngest was born, he’s always knackered. I was 35.
Depends on the individuals though.

I had my last at 27, and now at 48 I'm a grandmother to 3.

But that's normal in my family - my mum and nan both had their DC in their early 20s. I loved that I had my nan in my life until my 40s, and she got to meet her great grandchildren.

And being honest, when I've had my grandkids I'm bloody knackered. I think it's physically much harder being a parent in your 40s than in your 20s.

Given that life expectancy in the UK is 80 I don't see how having a baby at 41 is "selfish".

I don't think you need to worry if he's only 45! If you are both healthy AND he is keen to be a father then i don't see the problem.

There are lots of younger but unhealthy parents who are surely more likely to provide health issues for their kids to deal with as they near/reach 65. There are no guarantees either way. Love and attention is waaaay more important I think.

Possibly try to have more than one child though, that way they will be able to support each other later in life - if that's what you are worried about. good luck :-)

Does he want children?
Do you?
If you both do you need to get on with it asap.
If he doesn't but you do then you have a decide if that's a deal breaker or not.

Personally anytime after 35 I’d be worrying it wouldn’t be possible. So for me the earlier the better and as soon as you think your ready.

I'm glad my mum was selfish and had me in her forties or I wouldn't be here

Had my 4 at 31,33, 41 and 43.
It felt absolutely fine having baby at 43 but now that youngest is 8 and I'm 51, it is tiring and I'm a lazier parent than I was with older ones. He doesn't get to do some of the stuff my first two did like ice skating with me and running around the park etc.
On the other hand my neighbour had hers in her early 20's and now in her 30's is very disabled and can do less that me.
Financially they are better off and have private schools and nice holidays but hand on heart I think 40 is a good time to stop and I frequently feel guilty.

some of the responses are unreal!!
My dad was 43 when he had me. Didn't do me any harm. He's very fit still. Overall his health is better than my much younger mum's health. Go for it!

I think if you’re healthy and in a stable happy relationship and have adequate resources to provide s full life for a child then go for it no matter what your age.

I do wish though that my parents had been younger when they had me (45). They were out of touch and often mistaken for my grandparents and retired while i was still at school meaning money was tight. Dad died when i was early 30s, mum before i was 40. They had 10 years of ill health before that so I spent my twenties/thirties looking after them and not building a life of my own (single/childless now). I dont regret it but I thought I’d put my viewpoint forward as its not something thats mentioned generally as it makes people uncomfortable.

I think if you have very good health anything up to about 45 ish is great. Anything past that and I’d worry about the burden placed on the child as they become an adult themselves- people aged 65+ tend to start having health issues etc and I don’t think it’s fair for a young adult just starting out in their life to have to worry to that extent about their parents. But that’s just my experience talking maybe... my mum had me quite older and I’ve spent my life looking after her, especially as an only child.

Doesn't it depend how fit & healthy you are, and are likely to be risks considered, rather than your exact age?
There's many a 40 year old far healthier than a 30 year old.
It's a bit silly to set an age and then say it's selfish after that. Possibly for you it might be, not for someone else.

Pretty gobsmacked that someone has said over 40 is selfish, I had dd2 just before I turned 40.
I'm much healthier than I was when I was am obese 30 year old, I'm financially secure and had got fed up of going out socialising at the weekend etc so don't feel as if I made any sacrifices.
There are many plus points to being an older parent.

In answer to a few questions -

Yes we've had lots of discussions and he'd love to be a dad. He'd be amazing! He's so loving, patient, supportive, generous - just a fantastic guy. We're best mates too. I'm very lucky.

I've never been 100 percent sure I'd be a good mum. I didn't have a great childhood and I'm shy, so I worry I wouldn't be good enough. But I'm very maternal. Adore my friends and families little (and not so little!) ones.

And yes, I knew he was older when we met years ago- but he'll always be gorgeous and young and early 30s in my eyes! We focused on getting financially independent (which we are now) and were lucky enough to take an opportunity to travel around the world - the last few years have just rushed past.

And...suddenly...in all the waiting for 'the right time' and doing stuff for us before becoming parents, I think we've missed it. :(

I can’t really see what’s stopping you other than what others might be thinking!

I left it too late to conceive naturally, but adopted two young babies at 45 and again (DC1’s sibling) at 46. In general my age isn’t an issue. I do worry that they won’t thank me for being older when they’re in their teens (!) but I also know that I’m a far more confident, calm and settled parent now than I would have been when I was younger. We can also afford for me to work part time now which we couldn’t have done a decade ago. Swings and roundabouts.

My dad was 44 when my brother was born. He's very healthy and fit so doesn't make any difference really about his age. If he was struggling then yes I'd say he shouldn't have considered another kid.

I have got an unexpected Positive test today, am almost 41 and DH is 45. Hoping we are not too old!
First DC for both of us, I think if you can conceive naturally then its not too old.

My husband was 45 when we had our first and we've just had our second and hes 48. I'm 17 years younger than him. Hes a great dad and I dont think hes too old. Hes still very likely to be around to see them into adulthood. I think that's probably what matters most. If theres a sizable risk that he wont be able to see a child reach its twenties then he is too old to be a dad imo.

My personal cutoff point is 35. I personally wouldn't consider having children after that age because of the risks and I just think I'd be too tired to deal with a newborn. However it depends on the individual woman because I think some women in their 40s might be in much better physical condition than me! So I dont think there is a general rule, it really depends on the physical state of the woman. Is she likely to have the energy to care for the child properly until it reaches 18? Will she be able to manage the labour and pregnancy and newborn stage? I mean that is a different answer for every woman as we all have different bodies.

I was in my mid 40s and DH was early 50s when we had our second. We are now in our 60s and they are teens. Can't say I do any less than there friend's parents and do loads more than many. Most of the physical parenting is ferrying them to and from sports, cadets, friends, shopping etc. etc. We have a cleaner and have recently sold our business so DH has just retired at 68! So have loads more time to devote to them. DH's family all lived into their late 90s and he is loads fitter than them.
Another poster explained how she was looking after her parents in her 20s and 30s. I hope we won't be a burden on our children at that age but of course most people still have elderly parents to look after when they are retiring or would like to do more with their grown children so there's no 'good time'.

It depends on circumstances. Lifestyle, wealth, character, fitness, support available, etc., etc. I was over 40 - my child has a fabulous life. She is doted on and I was at the right stage of my life to be a good Mum. Go for it as soon as possible. I am horrified by the thought that I nearly didn’t.

My dad was 45 when I was born, I’m 31 now and he’s as fit as anyone I know. He is far healthier than my DPs dad who had him at 20, is obese and had several heart attacks. My friend lost her dad when he was 33 and she was 12.

As long as you are fit and healthy I don’t think it’s too old at all, there are no guarantees how long any of us will live. I think having an older dad is a huge benefit to me, he had years of going out before I was born so had lots of time to devote to me and he always claims I have kept him young.

ADopted DS at 21 when he was one - so now we are 53/13. Yes I couldn't cope with a toddler now but I don't understand people who say they couldn;t cope with teenagers in their 50's/60's. They're not physically hard work just mentally.

Do what feels right for you.

Having children at 45 is no more "selfish" than having children at all... the world doesn't NEED more children having one is inherently selfish. You have one because you want one not as a selfless favour to the world because you're hoping they'll cure world hunger.