To request 'house keeping' from partner

[Talula1993]

Sorry if people find the term house keeping offensive, just not sure how else to phrase it !

Firstly I'd like to add I know I'm not hard done by, we have a very good quality of life and money for people our age (25) and I'm very grateful, I'm just wanting opinions on what is fair between me and my boyfriend.

I know questions like this usually result in people saying "as long as you are both happy / feel it's right etc yada yada it's right", however I genuinely can't work out if I should feel under valued or if I'm getting my fair entitlement.

Me and my partner have just bought a house, we have worked out how much all our monthly expenditure is including mortgage, bills, dog care and walkers, joint spending money (cinema, meals out etc) insurance, savings, food and a few other things. And then worked out what % of our joint income this is, and transferring that % from our wages into a joint account and what remaining is individual 'spending money' for hobbies and frivoulous things.

We both do over time but this goes towards holidays and presents/christmas.

So my partners spending money after his personal bills (car, phone etc) is 850.

My personal spending after credit card and travel is about 220. My cards should be paid off by august. So will likely be 400ish then.

I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc and I'm also going to do a post grad distant learning course and voluntary. So me being at home means he shouldn't have to barely lift a finger evening and weekends. I also always do all evening meals as he is exceptionally incompetent in the kitchen. - my job is also very stressful and I dont get any enjoyment from it, but theres nothing else I can do which is as near by and pays aswell, all other jobs i could do would only pay an extra 2k for full time and likely cancelled out by travel so not worth it, my partner loves his job though.

I believe that my partner should be entitled to more as he is working harder, I don't believe house work is comparable to a full day of work, so I'm not suggesting equal spends. But should I get a small amount extra spending money to compensate for doing all house work?

We don't like the joint pot idea just yet, both in agreement that we want to have our own money for frivolous things and some independence, when we marry/ have kids that'll change.

He won't spend 800 a month, and I know 250 isn't a tiny amount but I spend about 70 every 4/5 weeks to travel to see my family, so that's 180, which is 45 a week, but I like my hair, make up clothes and nights out etc, my boyfriend doesn't really spend on any of that , he maybe buys a new game and a few comics a month and then goes out for a few drinks once a week. He says he doesn't spend over 250 usually. And ultimately his savings will benefit me as it's going towards starting a business for us (which is what my course is towards)

When my cards are paid off in summer I feel 400 is plenty, but till then 220 just seems very low comparatively to his 800.

Is it unreasonable for me to suggest a token gesture amount per month for doing all house work, maybe £50? or since he is already paying a larger chunk of bills should I should just be grateful and keep quiet?

Thanks

I’d be working out how much it would be to outsource the housework that you’d be doing and present him with the stats.

I can't get my head around a relationship where one partner thinks they should have a better quality of life than the person they supposedly love.

We put all earnings in an account and have the same access to it.

Same here Stoppy

Stomps (silly fone!)

But surely if you're transferring a percentage of your wage in then you have apportioned money for bills etc equally? You don't really have a reason not to work full time and his money is being saved to start a business, I think YABU in this instance.

YABU. He works harder, you aren’t married and no kids. If you want more to spend, work more.

To be honest. I don’t think it’s a great idea. You’re doing a post grad which I presume is on your spare 2 days.
I would just say to him I would like you to do more of ( XYZ) as I do all the cooking.

Obviously all of this would be very different if you had children.

Get a caddy in the kitchen for milk papers coffee because I ended up buying milk out of my much more limited resources. I'm sure he never gave it a thought. But I also ended up buying papers and things we needed that we'd forgotten at the supermarket. I diddn't have the cash for it tbh but I was funding it anyway.

Not if you working part time and being in charge of the house is what you agreed to.

I understand how it appears. He is not unreasonable and wouldnt see me struggle, if I lost my income he would allow full access to his money. We agreed that if i was full time we might reevaluate the situation, but as I get more leisure time than him, we feel that should be reflected in a way. He works a 9 hour day, sometimes 6 days a week.

I could do the looking at cost of out sourcing then halfing that

So you buy a house together, but feel awkward about asking for money?
Weird relationship.

You want more spending money, you work full time. He pays his percentage. You choose to work part time. You can’t have it every which way.

Are you saying you want more spending money? If so pool your money or work more. I think it’s a luxury to be working part time when you are young and don’t have children but that’s up to you. Have you started your studies yet?

I can’t get my head around a 25 year old voluntarily reducing her earning and pension capacity by 40% to cook and clean for a boyfriend.

knittedjest we are still im the midst of 'negotioations' as we have not yet moved, so no firm agreement in place yet, im just trying to work out if its reasonable for me to suggest I have a house keeping fund

How long do you plan to be part time for?

You aren’t married, you are making yourself financially vulnerable and reducing your pension and savings potential.

Go back to work full time, hire a cleaner and dog walker and split the cost proportionally.

So what’s the ‘housekeeping’ fund for? I thought you were saying you wanted more personal spending money.

can't get my head around a relationship where one partner thinks they should have a better quality of life than the person they supposedly love

Totally agree with this. I will never understand how some people can share a house, a bed, and children when they come along and yet can't discuss money or share finances, leaving some with increasing resentments and frustrations.

WontonSoupForTheSoul - im using the two days I have to get further training and experience in a career I will actually enjoy. The amount of abuse and stress im put under at work I cant do it full time, most people are part time where I work

You're enabling his lifestyle, he's asking you to essentially be his cook/housekeeper/dog walker whilst he can fully focus on his career. I would expect to have equal access to whatever money is left over from both of your incomes.

Do you have access to his savings? If not, I think you should, as you are enabling him to save that money.

Money aside, are you really happy going all the housework and cooking? Long-term that will cause resentment.

Just tell him you don't think your going to have enough to do things, would he mind paying you £50 a month for petty cash, or should you work another day a week?

Your financial vulnerability is frightening. And I say that as a sahm!
Outsource the housework and go back to work until you are married.

im using the two days I have to get further training and experience in a career I will actually enjoy

But you don’t have two “free” days a week, you have four as you only work three. Plenty of people manage to gain further qualifications by studying at night and weekends. Often juggling childcare also.

You’re leaving yourself ridiculously vulnerable. Please don’t consider having children until you’re married.

So your 2 days are actually working in sormething else/post grad/volunteering

So why do you and your DP think this is more spare time for you?

The money thing aside, you should not be doing more of the cleaning etc. And I am surprised that someone of your age is having this type of conversation- I would presume that men of an equal age would automatically step up and do their fair share.