To request 'house keeping' from partner

[Talula1993]

Sorry if people find the term house keeping offensive, just not sure how else to phrase it !

Firstly I'd like to add I know I'm not hard done by, we have a very good quality of life and money for people our age (25) and I'm very grateful, I'm just wanting opinions on what is fair between me and my boyfriend.

I know questions like this usually result in people saying "as long as you are both happy / feel it's right etc yada yada it's right", however I genuinely can't work out if I should feel under valued or if I'm getting my fair entitlement.

Me and my partner have just bought a house, we have worked out how much all our monthly expenditure is including mortgage, bills, dog care and walkers, joint spending money (cinema, meals out etc) insurance, savings, food and a few other things. And then worked out what % of our joint income this is, and transferring that % from our wages into a joint account and what remaining is individual 'spending money' for hobbies and frivoulous things.

We both do over time but this goes towards holidays and presents/christmas.

So my partners spending money after his personal bills (car, phone etc) is 850.

My personal spending after credit card and travel is about 220. My cards should be paid off by august. So will likely be 400ish then.

I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc and I'm also going to do a post grad distant learning course and voluntary. So me being at home means he shouldn't have to barely lift a finger evening and weekends. I also always do all evening meals as he is exceptionally incompetent in the kitchen. - my job is also very stressful and I dont get any enjoyment from it, but theres nothing else I can do which is as near by and pays aswell, all other jobs i could do would only pay an extra 2k for full time and likely cancelled out by travel so not worth it, my partner loves his job though.

I believe that my partner should be entitled to more as he is working harder, I don't believe house work is comparable to a full day of work, so I'm not suggesting equal spends. But should I get a small amount extra spending money to compensate for doing all house work?

We don't like the joint pot idea just yet, both in agreement that we want to have our own money for frivolous things and some independence, when we marry/ have kids that'll change.

He won't spend 800 a month, and I know 250 isn't a tiny amount but I spend about 70 every 4/5 weeks to travel to see my family, so that's 180, which is 45 a week, but I like my hair, make up clothes and nights out etc, my boyfriend doesn't really spend on any of that , he maybe buys a new game and a few comics a month and then goes out for a few drinks once a week. He says he doesn't spend over 250 usually. And ultimately his savings will benefit me as it's going towards starting a business for us (which is what my course is towards)

When my cards are paid off in summer I feel 400 is plenty, but till then 220 just seems very low comparatively to his 800.

Is it unreasonable for me to suggest a token gesture amount per month for doing all house work, maybe £50? or since he is already paying a larger chunk of bills should I should just be grateful and keep quiet?

Thanks

It isn't housekeeping. It's you wanting his cash to spend on yourself whilst he works and you relax.

Sort of agree with this

What if one person works far harder than the other? What if one person chooses to have a more relaxed lifestyle?

I think if you're that different and have such a big divide in terms of life goals and values, then it will be very difficult to make a relationship work in the long term.

Erm... really? Get some self respect and go full time op. Also you are seriously damaging your pension.

*I can’t get my head around a 25 year old voluntarily reducing her earning and pension capacity by 40% to cook and clean for a boyfriend
*

Processing issue? Why's it hard to understand?

They have a large house and the OP wants to combine keeping their house as well as study.

Clearer?

Disc0untD1va

Bssically as soon as we feel confident enough we have enough experience to get our own business, im hoping in 2 years. I dont know if i can stick out 2 years in my current job though. If i was full time we would split domestic chores

I think it has to be 'either / or'.

Either you share all money and have the same amount to spend, and he effectively subsidises you whilst you study. (This is what we are doing currently, except im wageless because of a small baby.)

Or, you are both financially independent, and you've decided you don't want to work full time, and want to do some further study, and have to realise that this means you will have less money to spend for the short term.

I'm not sure you can want to be financially independent, but then try and get money from him for cooking his dinner and walking the dog, because you suddenly feel you don't have enough?

How much housework are we talking about here ? An hour a day for the 2 days you are not currently working ?

I agree with pps that this is a very strange situation. If you were to reduce your days working, I feel that there needs to be a better situation than cooking and cleaning for your boyfriend. It's good that you're continuing in education which will hopefully lead to a more satisfying job for you, but you need to make sure you are not financially vulnerable if you were to do that because the situation you had laid out sounds like a very precarious one for you!

Typically, couples who live together but who don't share money yet seem to divide expenses proportionally. If your boyfriend earns £2,000 a month and you earn £1,000, you should be contributing half as much. Say the cost of the rent and bills were £900 a month, he should be contributing £600 and you £300. That would leave him with significantly more, but it is fair proportionally.

On the other hand, this is not what I do with my DP because it doesn't seem fair for a couple in a long-term relationship. We both have an agreed limit on what we can spend on whatever and there is the expectation that the rest is saved. This has meant that we are both contributing to long-term goals and not just living together as separate people.

Oh, and 1000000% get a cleaner. You are not his maid.

Given you live together as boyfriend and girlfriend I'd be expecting you to pay half of all the bills and whatever is left over from your salaries are your own.

Nobody needs to work part time to clean a house. If my partner had suggested that I would have laughed. Everyone I know cleans the house and studies around full time work. It's very normal.

If you want more money work more. Don't expect him to fund your choices. I'd not be happy if it were my son or daughter working six days a week to fund your lifestyle choices. I'd tell them they were being played and to sort it out.

It's difficult to say what would be fair as this isn't something that people would normally do. I personally wouldn't get into the habit of doing absolutely all the housework while living on little money will he has loads of disposible income as it will really backfire should you have children and become a SAHM in the future.
If you really want to do things as you suggest perhaps consider how much time you would spend on housework and cooking if you were really doing it efficiently. Divide that by two and then charge at the rate a cleaner would in your area. I doubt it would be more than about £50.

If I have this right then I don't think you should ask for 'Housekeeping'. You and your partner pay the same % of your income into the bill pot. So even if your partners income is twice yours he will pay double to bills but still the same % as you? You would pay more if you increased your hours as your income would go up.

As you don't have children at this time it's fair that you do the housework as you 'work' less. Obviously this is based on the fact that the housework and cooking don't take up the equivalent of full days. He isn't spending £800 as you already said but is saving so you can both establish a business in the future. It seems fair how it is at the moment but may need to be looked at again when things change.

OP - you say you are using the extra time you have to train in another career.
So, are you actually doing extra housekeeping or not?

If he feels he is doing his fair share and that you use your extra leisure time for things that benefit you he will not be so keen so subsidise you further - and quite rightly.

However, if you do ALL the housekeeping on top of everything and he does nothing around the house then, yes, get is costed and ask him for money.

Or... clear your credit card, retrain, go full time in your new career and do an equitable share based on % total household income at that time. It does not sound long to wait.

"I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc"

Seperate finances and splitting the bills is fine for flatmates and casual relationships.
Once your making joint decisions like the above then imo, you've taken yourselves out of the territory.
I didn't quite understand your explanation of your current finances. Did you mean that you work it out pro rata? So the person with the higher income pays a higher proportion of the bills?
If not, then this might be a good solution if you don't like the idea of completely shared pot.
If so, did you recalculate it when your income reduced?

The judgement here is disgusting.

I have worked hard and full time in extremly challenging areas , (I've been strangled, knocked out, all sorts) ive recently taken a higher paid but also stressful job, where I get verbally abused daily and put under enourmous pressure, while I hate this job it enables me to have enough money to be comfortable enough to train in something im passionate about the other two days a week (im a mental health nurse hoping to be a therapist)

It just so happens with my training ill still likely have more spare time, and in that spare time ill do all the house work so both me and my boyfriend can relax in evening.

Im not bothered about pension. Im 25 years old its 2 years of my life (and im still on 20k for three days a week) so contributing a decent ammount.

and FWIW, I have £250 of actual "my spending" money each month and it is a lot of cash for only your personal responsibilities. I don't usually spend it. I used to earn a helluva lot more and when I was the major earner, I paid for the holidays etc and I did not resent it - I hope your partner feels the same and does not make you pay.

I think the money situation as you have it sounds about fair. I do think he needs to do some housework i.e. his own washing and ironing and cook 3 nights a week. If you start out like this he will just expect all the housework to be done by you for the rest of your lives and you will resent him for it down the line. You are not his unpaid maid.

You aren’t married and don’t have kids. YABU. Bit premature to be thinking about house keeping etc or joint accounts.

You do more housework but he pays a larger amount towards bills. That's fair.

I don't think you should go back to work full-time. Lots of people don't have to work full-time, If they can afford it, then why should they?

So you’ve reduced your work hours in order to retrain into a different field - that’s good stuff and will stand you in good stead in the future. It’s good that you can still meet all your financial obligations while doing that. Given that you’re investing in your future, though, it’s natural that will have some knock on effect on your current earnings. It sounds as though you’ve still got enough money coming in to keep things ticking over while you retrain though so that’s great, you’re in a good position.

As for the housework, either split it 50/50, or get a cleaner. If you don’t want to spend money then you do your 50% and he pays a cleaner to do his share. Effectively you’re proposing to charge him to do his share of the cleaning which I think would probably be fine if he was ok with that but tbh I would probably prefer to get someone else in just to save complicating the relationship with financial wrangling.

If you’re buying a place together and you’re not married then I hope you’ve put the necessary paper work in place to protect yourself if things go wrong. That’s the main thing.

I agree with others, you are far too young to be setting yourself up like this. Anyone else your age would be working full time and studying evening and weekends, housework should be shared. You are setting yourself up for the future, he will not learn to cook if you do it all for him and I guarantee when you do have children he will be useless and expect you to do everything. You are making yourself extremely vulnerable with no pension. If you hate your job, change it!!

And do be clear in your own mind that you have gone part time in order to have time to retrain, not to do some fella’s cleaning.

I feel like so many pp's have missed the point of your post.

Your study is towards your joint business, you work 3 days and study 2. I think he should just do his fair share of the housework. Maybe he can do the bigger once a week jobs such as change bedding, hoovering house, clean bathroom whilst you do the ones that keep the house ticking over on a daily basis?

I did a post grad, I took almost a year off work to do it and it was so worth it! You know your relationship more than the people commenting here about you being vulnerable. I must have been really silly to take so much time out and live on limited savings, however my partner isn't a shithead and he fully supported me. When I had deadlines he'd pick up my slack around the house too to let me get on with my work.

Don't marry this man.

At 25 you shouldn't be spending 2 days cleaning your house. Your boyfriend needs to get competent, in the kitchen, in your house, he needs to pull his weight - you're not his maid and more importantly you're not his Mum.

You're doing yourself a real disservice. You need to concentrate on getting yourself out of this job and into another one, get yourself out there, those two cleaning days can become hobby/enrichment days. Trust me OP, there's more to life than vacuuming and getting your daft boyfriend's dinner on the table.

I find your set up a bit odd. If you want more money, work FT. I'm all for joint finances but not when you're pre kids and pre marriage. Do you have less money ATM due to paying off your own personal credit card debt?