To request 'house keeping' from partner

[Talula1993]

Sorry if people find the term house keeping offensive, just not sure how else to phrase it !

Firstly I'd like to add I know I'm not hard done by, we have a very good quality of life and money for people our age (25) and I'm very grateful, I'm just wanting opinions on what is fair between me and my boyfriend.

I know questions like this usually result in people saying "as long as you are both happy / feel it's right etc yada yada it's right", however I genuinely can't work out if I should feel under valued or if I'm getting my fair entitlement.

Me and my partner have just bought a house, we have worked out how much all our monthly expenditure is including mortgage, bills, dog care and walkers, joint spending money (cinema, meals out etc) insurance, savings, food and a few other things. And then worked out what % of our joint income this is, and transferring that % from our wages into a joint account and what remaining is individual 'spending money' for hobbies and frivoulous things.

We both do over time but this goes towards holidays and presents/christmas.

So my partners spending money after his personal bills (car, phone etc) is 850.

My personal spending after credit card and travel is about 220. My cards should be paid off by august. So will likely be 400ish then.

I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc and I'm also going to do a post grad distant learning course and voluntary. So me being at home means he shouldn't have to barely lift a finger evening and weekends. I also always do all evening meals as he is exceptionally incompetent in the kitchen. - my job is also very stressful and I dont get any enjoyment from it, but theres nothing else I can do which is as near by and pays aswell, all other jobs i could do would only pay an extra 2k for full time and likely cancelled out by travel so not worth it, my partner loves his job though.

I believe that my partner should be entitled to more as he is working harder, I don't believe house work is comparable to a full day of work, so I'm not suggesting equal spends. But should I get a small amount extra spending money to compensate for doing all house work?

We don't like the joint pot idea just yet, both in agreement that we want to have our own money for frivolous things and some independence, when we marry/ have kids that'll change.

He won't spend 800 a month, and I know 250 isn't a tiny amount but I spend about 70 every 4/5 weeks to travel to see my family, so that's 180, which is 45 a week, but I like my hair, make up clothes and nights out etc, my boyfriend doesn't really spend on any of that , he maybe buys a new game and a few comics a month and then goes out for a few drinks once a week. He says he doesn't spend over 250 usually. And ultimately his savings will benefit me as it's going towards starting a business for us (which is what my course is towards)

When my cards are paid off in summer I feel 400 is plenty, but till then 220 just seems very low comparatively to his 800.

Is it unreasonable for me to suggest a token gesture amount per month for doing all house work, maybe £50? or since he is already paying a larger chunk of bills should I should just be grateful and keep quiet?

Thanks

I don’t know if the funding is unreasonable although obviously in a settled relationship you have equal spending money. However given you aren’t at that stage, you are two 25 yos working out a relationship. For god’s sake don’t do all the housework. Don’t do all the cooking. A man who can’t cook a few healthy meals for his family is not a man worth having. My dh couldn’t cook when we started living together but he had to learn. Started with simple recipes. And when a man says they simply can’t cook they mean they can’t be arsed to try, which should be a deal breaker for every woman.

"Do not turn cleaning and maintaining you own home into something youre paid for."

Totally agree with this - people suggesting totting up how many hours cleaning a week etc and multiplying by an hourly rate? Just bizarre. Does the BF get to do an annual appraisal with the OP too? 😂

I don’t think it’s about what’s fair, it’s about what he is prepared to do to support your career change without resentment. Tables can and do change, if he needed your support what would you do?

18changeasgoodas sorry was meant to reply to you what my training is in

I mean I manage to study for a degree, do all the cleaning, work and look after 2 kids and I'm on my own..

waywardfruit, we both (or will) transfer 60% of each income to joint account

It was your choice to work pt. He doesn't have to support you - not married, no kids.

I wouldn't do much more than half the household stuff though if you are studying 2 days a week.

I think YABU and it's odd that you've phrased it thay he should be paying you to clean the house.
It seems you already have it quite fairly set up.
He's helping pay for your course as is will help you both in the future (if you stay together, otherwise it does only help you).
You each pay a percentage of your wages, he works more hours, and earns more, so is already paying more to household bills than you.
Him having less hobbies is also helping you as you said he's saving money for your joint business venture.
Seems weird to take money out the business pot because you don't think you have enough money for hair, make up and nights out.
You've kind of convinced yourself that you deserve it for doing the cleaning, but you work less and pay less, so to me the current set up seems fair.
If your partner suddenly decided he had an £800 a month hobby then he wouldn't be saving for the business (doesn't sound like you are putting money aside because you want more disposable money to spend on yourself).
You should be proud he's clearly looking to the future by paying more bills, helping pay for your course, and saving for the business.
Forget about hair and make up for now, get the credit cards paid off, and then I'd even say put the credit card payments into the business pot.
That's me personally, I hope it doesn't sound offensive because you aren't happy with a lot of replies.
But I think the current set up is fair, in fact, if you broke up it kind of sounds like you'd have the better deal tbh.

im very fortunate i dont have to work full time currently

Except you're not happy with how much money you have OP....to improve that it sounds like you do need to work full time...

It’s up to your boyfriend to agree to what is effectively paying off your cc debt. Unless it is on zero interest , he should use his savings to clear it for you ASAP.

At the end of the day he supported your decision and you should have worked out the cost to you of that decision. You say he agreed to it but so did you. Now you want to change it. Be prepared to go back to work if he decides this isn’t for him any more. Get a bar job or something to up your income.

FeelSomething well done, that is commendable and you should be proud. And I would say it is an acheivement greater than mine. But we are in different situations so why does it need to be compared?

i feel very lucky and have a good quality of life, im very fortunate i dont have to work full time currently

You might not starve if you don't work full time but the damage done to your career is immeasurable.

Think of it this way: would your boyfriend work part time so that he could clean the house and cook the dinner?

And think of it another way: let's say you two continue in this relationship for another five years. Then you or he ends the relationship. He's progressed in his career. What about you? Where will your career be?

FFS don't even THINK of going part time so that you can look after a puppy and clean the house. Don't be so stupid.

Miane thanks we havent actually factored in wills so will do this

I think you're viewing this the wrong way. You work 3 days and the other 2 days should be allocated to your retraining. That means your time is allocated for 5 days. As is your partner's time because he's at work. Then you share chores equally. You both cook and clean.

I'm concerned about the division of equity/shares in the new business you're planning to build especially since he is more experienced in that field. Your entire new career path is entwined with your relationship. That is a precarious position to be in. And I write as someone who has a joint business with her DH. But I also kept my own property and completed freelance contracts.

You need to be practical as regards finances; free time and division of household labour. As a stranger on the internet, I am worried that you're making yourself vulnerable in numerous ways. Your DP isn't putting his stability at risk at all.

HollowTalk if we break up in 5 years time ill have hopefully qualified as a therapist and be working full time then

I went part time at work after discussing it with my husband. I do much more of the housework and pet care (we have way more animals than you too!) on the days I'm off, plus all the shopping etc. I still find plenty of time for my own activities and study. I lost a good few hundred a month in pay, but it's worth every penny.

Your OH sounds very fair. It could've been him going part time, doing more housework and having more free time, but he's doing full time, saving for your future business and letting you, who clearly doesn't want to work full time, study and have less stress in your life. To then ask him to pay you to do this is going too far!

You’re a woman with a professional job that many on mn cant imagine how demanding is
You have further career plans to be a therapist,keep that in sight and work toward it

But you also have a lazy arse boyfriend who can’t cook and wants you do the bulk of chores

It is a big deal that he won’t cook, it is not can’t cook it is won’t cook.hes making an active choice and you’re enabling it by thinking hey he can’t cook no biggie

He can cook,but he’s too lazy and knows you’ll do it

You think it’s not a biggie at the moment, well it’ll be a biggie when you have a baby and an adult baby both needing feed. You’ll be saddled with him,sitting waiting be be attended to

Keep your finances separate , dont fooled into doing the our money thing
Buy him cook book
Stop doing all the chores

How much studying do you need to do? It’s great that you have the ability to reduce your hours to make sure you do well on your course. BUT by choosing to work less hours and be less stressed at work, you now don’t want the result that comes with it which is less money.
No one believes you’re going to spend 2 days cleaning when there’s only 2 of you and one is outside the house for most of the day. And as for the puppy, don’t get a puppy until the time when you know what your future perfect job entails and you know how long the dog will be left at home for/how often you can work at home.

So, in my opinion, pay off the credit card and start your own savings account, work one extra day (doesn’t have to be your current job), don’t get a puppy (even though they are lovely) and make sure boyfriend does some of the housework/cooking (so there’s no precedent set for the future).
If the unimaginable happens, you don’t want to feel hard done by when your boyfriend waltzes off with his enormous amount of savings while you’ve purposely reduced your earnings and only managed to pay off your credit card. (You do mention savings, just wasn’t sure if they were joint).

KateAdiesEarrings

I see where you are coming from. But our work is in different fields, he works in healthcare in a business/management role, i am clinical. We plan to develop our on service soon (dont want to go into detail on what it is though)

I find it odd that you would stop working full time to essentially stay home two extra days a week and be his maid. I mean, that is pretty much what you’re saying here. It would be different if you were giving up FT work to care for a child but you’re purely doing it to clean the house . The 1950s called... I wonder if he would do the same? I highly doubt it.

This set up wouldn’t sit comfortably with me whatsoever and you really do need to consider what would happen to you career wise if the relationship doesn’t work out.

altiara

I do not yet know the details of the courses as im torn between 3, but they average maybe 10/15 hours per week?

With dog care we have retired (though still very fit and active) family a 2 min walk away who have volunteered to take him through the day

I wouldn't bother getting the pup for a few years yet, and I say that as a dog-owner. I was 37 before it was the right time to have a dog, and even then it was an adult rescue. Both my children were at school and I was working part-time and had the time to spend with the dog. You can't go out to work and leave a pup, even if you plan to have a dog-walker come in during a shift.

Maybe an older rescue dog or two if you really want dogs in your life?

Also my credit card is only about 800ish. Should be gone by july/august

If you are in a serious committed relationship and it was a joint decision for you not to work full time then I think you should have equal spending money.

I just don't get that because one person of a couple earns much more than the other they get loads to spend and the other doesn't. I know a gay couple like this. One earns an absolute fortune and one earns minimum wage. The higher earner buys really expensive suits, flies first class etc. The other has to buy clothes in charity shops or off ebay. When they go on holiday he can't afford first class so they don't sit together!

Me and DH have always had a joint account. All money earned, given, won etc goes into it. I have been the higher earner at different times as has DH. We have always split any money left between us.

I don't work now so would have nothing if DH decided to keep every penny he earns

As well as the study time to train a therapist how will you get the required clinical hours?
How will you build a caseload and get experience when retraining?
Being a nurse you’re in an advantageous position,that’s a +

However it is yiu giving things up,doing chores,accepting that he can’t cook (so cooking by default falls to you)