To request 'house keeping' from partner

[Talula1993]

Sorry if people find the term house keeping offensive, just not sure how else to phrase it !

Firstly I'd like to add I know I'm not hard done by, we have a very good quality of life and money for people our age (25) and I'm very grateful, I'm just wanting opinions on what is fair between me and my boyfriend.

I know questions like this usually result in people saying "as long as you are both happy / feel it's right etc yada yada it's right", however I genuinely can't work out if I should feel under valued or if I'm getting my fair entitlement.

Me and my partner have just bought a house, we have worked out how much all our monthly expenditure is including mortgage, bills, dog care and walkers, joint spending money (cinema, meals out etc) insurance, savings, food and a few other things. And then worked out what % of our joint income this is, and transferring that % from our wages into a joint account and what remaining is individual 'spending money' for hobbies and frivoulous things.

We both do over time but this goes towards holidays and presents/christmas.

So my partners spending money after his personal bills (car, phone etc) is 850.

My personal spending after credit card and travel is about 220. My cards should be paid off by august. So will likely be 400ish then.

I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc and I'm also going to do a post grad distant learning course and voluntary. So me being at home means he shouldn't have to barely lift a finger evening and weekends. I also always do all evening meals as he is exceptionally incompetent in the kitchen. - my job is also very stressful and I dont get any enjoyment from it, but theres nothing else I can do which is as near by and pays aswell, all other jobs i could do would only pay an extra 2k for full time and likely cancelled out by travel so not worth it, my partner loves his job though.

I believe that my partner should be entitled to more as he is working harder, I don't believe house work is comparable to a full day of work, so I'm not suggesting equal spends. But should I get a small amount extra spending money to compensate for doing all house work?

We don't like the joint pot idea just yet, both in agreement that we want to have our own money for frivolous things and some independence, when we marry/ have kids that'll change.

He won't spend 800 a month, and I know 250 isn't a tiny amount but I spend about 70 every 4/5 weeks to travel to see my family, so that's 180, which is 45 a week, but I like my hair, make up clothes and nights out etc, my boyfriend doesn't really spend on any of that , he maybe buys a new game and a few comics a month and then goes out for a few drinks once a week. He says he doesn't spend over 250 usually. And ultimately his savings will benefit me as it's going towards starting a business for us (which is what my course is towards)

When my cards are paid off in summer I feel 400 is plenty, but till then 220 just seems very low comparatively to his 800.

Is it unreasonable for me to suggest a token gesture amount per month for doing all house work, maybe £50? or since he is already paying a larger chunk of bills should I should just be grateful and keep quiet?

Thanks

IAmAlwaysLikeThis.
Im in a job with no fulfillment and progression. Ive gone part time to train in a career to give me more progression? How is that pissing my life away. In literally actively working towards a better life and better prospects. I have no depency on my parter, if things were to go tits up I have enough of an income to be self sufficient. A lot of people have full time jobs and children on 20k.

So what exactly will I regret ?

When im 40 and stuck in a job I hate, I think I would have regretted not taking the opportunity when im not tied down with commitments to have retrained. And granted some people train while being full time, but why break my back doing so when I dont have to ?

And also, dont make comments on my boyfriend. I dont think he could support equality more, he is very supportive and empowering. The suggestion I do more housework was MINE not his.

LipstickHandbagCoffee - I probably will try pay it back ASAP. I don't like debts.

I know people can be twatful when they get access to a keypad but I think making comments about someones character, especially saying they hope their daughters dont turn out like me is stupid. If someones chosen and worked hard and long hours in a career managing mental health crisis, tried to be a good person all their life, made a decision to go part time to train to be a therapist to continue to help people but because they dared suggest they pick up more house work, are made out to be a stupid little girl who knows nothing of the big bad world and my life will fall to bits, Its just silly!

And I appreciate that but I have mentioned I have taken that feedback on board and told him we will find an arrangement of splitting chores, which he is fine with.

Sure, he’s so into equality that he sees nothing wrong with living together but him having more money than you. Funny that.

If you’re studying, take the time to do that instead of playing the good housewife.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis

It was a mutual agreement. I personally dont feel right asking him for equal access to his 6 day a week salary when hes already paying a higher sum into the home.

My boyfriend is lovely, hard working and very supportive and we are the most secure couple I know. When we marry and have children, we will pool fully. But sorry if its not very feminist to be proud of your boyfiend and thinks he deserves what he gets, but im happy so hey ho. He wouldn't ever see me struggle im confident of that.

Talula1993

Well at least you and your other are discussing/ negotating finances so communication at least is good but who said momney and finances were that straightforward?..

Justaboy,

Straight forward in what sense?

It sounds like a healthy relationship so I would say just talk to him. Explain you’d been thinking about it and aren’t quite sure whether it’s reasonsble or not and ask what he thinks. It doesn’t need to be a row at all. And it also allows you a precedent for if/when you have children. He doesn’t sound like he’d ever want you to go without!

Your other option is to pool your thousandish, decide on an amount that gets saved for the business and the remainder shared 50/50. And if there’s something higher value one month that he wants then not so much gets saved. And maybe every month what you have left over goes straight into the savings too.

Finances can be one of the most destructive things in a relationship. It’s so important to be open and able to discuss all of it.

They'll always be differnces betwixt people how the mutal loot is doled out people will very rarely completley agree, thats called negotiing ie who gets what who spends what and how much etc etc which is what your doing.

And thats a good thing that you can and do communicate over the matter:)

Comms is something thats usually lacking in most all relationships.

The way you have worked out your outgoings means that you already pay only in proportion to the lesser amount you earn.

It is good you are doing the training / qualifications that will give you a salary and job fulfilment boost.

So as to be ready for when that is finished and you are both working hard in your new business, I would suggest he spends some of his leisure time and his unspent disposable income on cookery classes !

Justaboy

I agree. I think its only a reflection on the quality of the relationship if one person allows the other to struggle. Or if someone felt hard done by but wasn't being listened to. Im happy for my boyfriend to have more spends, hes jumped through hoops and worked so hard to get such a good job at a young age, I think he deserves what he has. All our arrangement means that if I want to treat myself, I pick one lipstick not two, I wouldnt really class that as a struggle.

Id be annoyed if he pissed away money but he isnt a big spender.

UbbesPonytail, thank you. We had a very respectful indepth conversation last night about planning for the future actually, children mentioned (though fair few years off) and told him everything will change financially then. We still have a few things to talk over. I might mention the option you suggested

DoggusSausageous

Cookery classes are a good idea. In the mean time ive suggested he 'shadows' me haha

I can't get my head around a relationship where one partner thinks they should have a better quality of life than the person they supposedly love.

This. Haven't RTFT but as it was a joint decision for you to work less you should get the same amount of "spends".

Also, I dont like the degrading outlook on cleaners, people who do this are helpful, neccessary members of society

Gosh, you just keep trying to spin everything round don't uou?

I'm going part time primarily to do the cleaning cooking and puppy sitting
No I'm doing it primarily to study,
He has 800 to my 200
No I shall also have 800 due to bank shifts, I'd just like to save it all
I will do his share of the chores, we both agreed it, it's a big house. Can I ask him for fifty quid a month for it
No I was only going to do a few of his chores
I want him to pay me to be his cleaner
You're being derogatory towards cleaners to say thisnt a good way to manage a relationship.

Aye right.

Don't be his Mum.

He needs to do good share of the housework and cook a basic meal.

So if he's out the house 7- 7 and your out 8-6 you do an hour of housework / dinner before he gets in and you split what needs doing once he's home. You're studying two and working three so you're full time but earn less. You're benefiting from him earning more as he's paying more.

He has more spend because he works longer hours but also because he's not in debt. Accept that he's already contributing by paying more. If he quits tomorrow and gets a 20k you'll have to pay more.
However I would assume if you're goung out he's more likely to pick up the bill than you (because he earns more, not because he's a man) and if he wants to go somewhere you can't afford be honest don't just bang it on the credit card.

Bluntness100

I havent back tracked on anything. I asked for advice took that advice and now said ill do less cleaning.

You obviously just enjoy being on an imaginary high horse

Well yes there is that 😁

So basically you want him to pay you for cleaning your own house and cooking the meals?
YABU..no reason why you can’t work F/T which would facilitate your desire to have more spending money.

Bees - you might want to read the thread

“But sorry if its not very feminist to be proud of your boyfiend and thinks he deserves what he gets, but im happy so hey ho. He wouldn't ever see me struggle im confident of that.”

I am very proud of my husband. Why are you trying to make it sound like anyone who disagrees with your lifestyle is some kind of shrieking harpy?

I don’t even know why you started this thread since you are so convinced you’re right.

Do what you like but in ten years you’ll think back on this and realise you were a wally.

I think there’s something seductive to 25 year old women about keeping house, being the lower earner etc etc. After all, we’ve been trained since birth to fulfill that role. At 40, it’s definitely less appealing.

I think there’s something seductive to 25 year old women about keeping house, being the lower earner etc etc. After all, we’ve been trained since birth to fulfill that role

Jesus, it wasn't appealing to me at 25 and I was never trained for it and I hope to god I didn't train my 21 year old daughter to find that seductive either, and it would seem I haven't.

Who trains their daughter to be the lower earning house keeper? Didn't our generation put a stop to that shit?

IAmAlwaysLikeThis

Are you actually reading anything im saying ? Im retraining. Im not 'accepting' being the lower earner. There is no advancements in my current job. So at the age of 25 with plenty of time to progress im taking my opportunity while I can, so what am I going to regret? I really dont get it.

And what is my life style?

Im 25, got a degree, travelled, worked, bought a house. Then decided this job isnt enough for me and after 3 assaults in a year (sustained from trying to stop people hurting themselves) I decided to look for a well paid part time job that is enough to support me while I retrain in an area im passionate about and can acheive more? ....Yes im such a failure to femism just because I dared suggest that I have more free time than my partner so might do more housework.

Im convinced im right about how im planning my life and future. what i wasnt convinced about was if I should expect something for extra house work and that was my question was.

Of course im going to get defensive if someone implies im a diservice to woman kind just because ive taken a temporary pay drop in order to hopefully acheive a qualification to build a better long term career.

Have to say, if I had the option of hiring a 25 year old who was working full-time, and a 25 year old who was working part-time, I think I’d question the motivation and ambition of the part-timer.

I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc and I'm also going to do a post grad distant learning course and voluntary. So me being at home means he shouldn't have to barely lift a finger evening and weekends

It's this no one is getting past op.

Bluntness100

Yes. And have you not seen the numerous posts i have said saying that I have taken the advice and told my boyfriend I wont do all of the chores ? As a result of the feedback i have ACTUALLY asked for.

WontonSoupForTheSoul - you arent going to by employer so thats fine. I dont need to feel threatened by this, in my line of work you literally walk into a job. But with my additional training I want to be self employed anyway.

Actually yes, I'm just trying to explain thr reaction you're getting, the op is the first thing people read.

I hope your boyfriend is good to his word about splitting the chores. Otherwise tell him to employ a cleaner.
Studying while working will be exhausting. You will need downtime too.