To request 'house keeping' from partner

[Talula1993]

Sorry if people find the term house keeping offensive, just not sure how else to phrase it !

Firstly I'd like to add I know I'm not hard done by, we have a very good quality of life and money for people our age (25) and I'm very grateful, I'm just wanting opinions on what is fair between me and my boyfriend.

I know questions like this usually result in people saying "as long as you are both happy / feel it's right etc yada yada it's right", however I genuinely can't work out if I should feel under valued or if I'm getting my fair entitlement.

Me and my partner have just bought a house, we have worked out how much all our monthly expenditure is including mortgage, bills, dog care and walkers, joint spending money (cinema, meals out etc) insurance, savings, food and a few other things. And then worked out what % of our joint income this is, and transferring that % from our wages into a joint account and what remaining is individual 'spending money' for hobbies and frivoulous things.

We both do over time but this goes towards holidays and presents/christmas.

So my partners spending money after his personal bills (car, phone etc) is 850.

My personal spending after credit card and travel is about 220. My cards should be paid off by august. So will likely be 400ish then.

I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc and I'm also going to do a post grad distant learning course and voluntary. So me being at home means he shouldn't have to barely lift a finger evening and weekends. I also always do all evening meals as he is exceptionally incompetent in the kitchen. - my job is also very stressful and I dont get any enjoyment from it, but theres nothing else I can do which is as near by and pays aswell, all other jobs i could do would only pay an extra 2k for full time and likely cancelled out by travel so not worth it, my partner loves his job though.

I believe that my partner should be entitled to more as he is working harder, I don't believe house work is comparable to a full day of work, so I'm not suggesting equal spends. But should I get a small amount extra spending money to compensate for doing all house work?

We don't like the joint pot idea just yet, both in agreement that we want to have our own money for frivolous things and some independence, when we marry/ have kids that'll change.

He won't spend 800 a month, and I know 250 isn't a tiny amount but I spend about 70 every 4/5 weeks to travel to see my family, so that's 180, which is 45 a week, but I like my hair, make up clothes and nights out etc, my boyfriend doesn't really spend on any of that , he maybe buys a new game and a few comics a month and then goes out for a few drinks once a week. He says he doesn't spend over 250 usually. And ultimately his savings will benefit me as it's going towards starting a business for us (which is what my course is towards)

When my cards are paid off in summer I feel 400 is plenty, but till then 220 just seems very low comparatively to his 800.

Is it unreasonable for me to suggest a token gesture amount per month for doing all house work, maybe £50? or since he is already paying a larger chunk of bills should I should just be grateful and keep quiet?

Thanks

You're both working and/or studying full time. I'd say the housework needs to be 50/50, and if one of you doesn't want to do 50% then that person pays for a professional cleaner/cook/housekeeper out of their own extra funds. I suppose if the other person said they don't mind doing the 100% housework they could then be paid that same housekeeping money, but honestly, with a large house and your studying AND working a stressful job I doubt you will want to do that. In which case, outsource the most undesireable 50% of it, and he pays.

And btw 25 becomes 40 in a blink

^This. It's true. Nobody is having a go. What they are doing is giving you advice - which is why you posted here.

You are young. Listen to the posters here who are older and have been where you are. They are trying to warn you about the pitfalls of the path you're going down.

And as for a pension - it's very easy to dismiss it now. But trust me when I say that in 20 years' time you'll wish that you could go back in time and give your younger self a shake!

I think to be fair to the OP, people are projecting a little here.

So what if you were a single parent with 5 kids, working a full time job plus stacking shelves in the evening and studying got a PHD, and you cleaned your own house..?

It sounds like between them the OP and her partner are comfortable enough for her to not have to break her back whilst she studies.

The issues for me are the inconsistent approaches to making decisions (jointly) and finances (seperate), and the arrangements for domestic chores.

I choose to work part-time, and I don't have any kids. Some people have that luxury.

It's hard for people to understand how dangerous and exhausting a mental health nurse job can be, and increasingly so with the understaffing and growing privatisation. What sort of therapist are you studying to be though? You'd be better trying to convert to psychology for a better income stream.

Don't enable your partner now though by taking on all the cooking - better for both of you if he learns, spend some money sending him on a course if necessary.

As for cleaning, I wouldn't have a problem asking for time to be recognised as part of calculations if I was doing it all but really it's better that you split this now equally so that you don't make a rod for your own back in the future I think.

I'd also think carefully about getting a puppy, it's a big tie and you would be better off being flexible about maximising your income at the moment, options with your training may be better and safer further afield.

Pension is important but if you are earning 20k you will be fulfilling your NI for the year - if you work for a provider that gives you access to the NHS pension definitely you should be in it.

Disc0untD1va, I am paying into a pension and have for 4 and a half years, im still earning decent money

Granted he should learn to cook, but in the big scheme of things it isnt a big deal

I thought that at 25. I enjoyed cooking and didn’t mind doing it all.

I did mind it ten years later when we had small children, were both working full time and he’d wait for me to come home to start cooking.

We both learned our lessons and he can now cook.

If I could have my time again I’d have started teaching him the first day we moved in together and enforced 50:50 cooking.

I’m also ensuring that both my DS and my DD are being taught to cook, do laundry and take care of a house.

You are setting the pattern for your life together be very very careful what pattern you set.

Besides which as for “enjoying evenings together” even with a large house both of you spending 30 -60minutes doing one chore every night plus a couple of hours on a Saturday will get most things done. You can enjoy doing housework together just like you can enjoy watching TV.

I wouldn't ask for housekeeping no, but I'd ask him to pay a higher share of the joint expenditure so thr disposable income you both have is more equitable.

My husband and I have always worked it this way, whomever earns rhe most pays more into thr joint account so that our disposable incomes are roughly equitable.

Many PPs are surprised and warning you not to become a 1950s home-maker at your age.

But I don't think that's what you have in mind. I get it. Going part time and re-training if you don't like your job is very sensible. Better to do it younger and before you have a breakdown. (Typically in 30/40s, but can be earlier).

So regarding your issues:

Re training at 25 yo - very sensible if you don't like your first career and have a better plan. How many hours per week will your re-training genuinely require? I think it's sensible to plan for this to take place during the working week and no more than one day per weekend if you can. Yes some people cram this into evenings and weekends - but don't do this if it's not essential. But at 25 yo you should plan to work hard - like it is a job - and squeeze the work into as little time as reasonably possible. If you choose to re-train while your partner is working hard for your joint future - it would be rude and disrespectful to have a daily lifestyle like a secondary school or University student.

Clearing your credit card debt in August - having a running credit card debt is not sensible. You should break out of that habit asap. Why wait until August? Typically your credit card bill should be paid off each month, unless there was something absolutely essential (not nice to have) that was worth paying high interest before you could afford it outright. I would recommend making yourself stay at your well-paying, horrible job full time until you have paid off your debt. Forgo nice things until you have cleared it.

housekeeping allowance --
Multiple cleaners have told me that for a big house (4/5 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, 2-3 reception rooms) with a family with children living in it, it is reasonable to hire a cleaner for at least 3 hours per week and preferably 4. This enables the cleaner to meet their personal professional standards of keeping the house looking good - weekly clean of bathroom, floors and change of bedding, and weekly rotation with deep clean of things like ovens, doors (dirty hand prints), washing machines, fridge, walls, skirting boards, dust under beds, cobwebs, front porch. These four hours would be in addition to the family tidying up after themselves each day e.g. after meals, putting toys away and doing their own laundry. Some families ask the cleaner to do an hour or so of ironing each week. Such households also typically engage a gardener, and a window cleaner.

Since there's just two of you in the plan, so you won't be making as much mess. So if you were hiring a cleaner 2 hours of cleaning per week is probably plenty. But how much ironing, gardening and window cleaning is there to be done?

Is your house new-build or older -- if the house is older, then there is typically a fairly steady stream of tradespeople (mostly which can be done DIY if you have time) for things like decorating inside and out, freshening tiling and grout and silicon, fixing plumbing valves and taps, replacing spotlights, correcting clocks etc

Calculations - assuming you are both working hard training or earning 5-6 days per week:

How many hours cleaning per week (@ £12 - 15 ph)
How much gardening?
How much for window cleaning? how many times per year?
How much DIY to be outsourced? (not including what you will do as a couple on weekends).

So if you are not working 5-6 days per week like your partner then you offer to do this at a bit under market rates (you're not a professional in these fields) to make up the extra time.

If it's just £50 a week, and your partner is not on board with the idea - I'd drop it. Not worth making a fuss.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza

Did you read my post. Loads of people told me politely im being unreasonable.

There is no justifying personally attacking me

I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc and I'm also going to do a post grad distant learning course and voluntary. So me being at home means he shouldn't have to barely lift a finger evening and weekends.

Read this again, OP. You don't earn as much as he does because you are doing the housework and looking after your shared puppy. You are putting yourself in an incredibly vulnerable situation and frankly, you'd be mad to carry this on.

I'd advise you to work full time and to study in your spare time. Between you, pay for a cleaner for a few hours per week. If he's out of the house working, you should spend that time studying.

At the moment he is improving his career while yours has gone to pot.

Have you seen that I think the calculation of contributions is worked out wrongly. Do take pension loss into account as your wages for housework.
Not true that next of kin will get the house if he dies, if they are joint tenants it goes to her, or you can make wills. There are other issues like savings and funeral arrangements, and information sharing if in hospital. Get legal advice or read up about living wills, nearest relative etc.
Even if married you can have your own accounts and an allowance for personal cash as well as joint account. Keep some savings seperate for emergency.

"At the moment he is improving his career while yours has gone to pot."

On what basis, Hollowtalk?! 😂

Honestly? I wouldn't work part time at your age in order to 'keep house' around a man.

But if you insist, then I would add your travel into household bills.

If you are each paying a percentage of your income towards bills then presumably he is paying a lot more than you are? In which case I think you are being unreasonable to ask for more spending money as you are benefitting from his greater contribution to your joint bills.

However, why not get a cleaner that is a joint expense and you each pay a percentage towards that cost so you don't have to do all the housework, which it sounds like you resent?

A partner who can't (and actually that means "won't" because presumably he's got a reasonable level of intelligence to be in a good career, so cooking should be well within his capabilities) is a big deal actually. It's a very big deal because it commits you to cooking for him throughout your relationship. Your life is just that tiny bit more constrained because he won't cook. Let's add in "can't" do nappy changing, dog walking, putting children to bed, cleaning, food shopping etc etc and in 5 year's time you'll find yourself in a cage. A gilded cage maybe, but you will have less choice over your time, your career and your life than him. And those things are a big deal.

You're at the age where you should be building your career, not taking 2 days to clean!
Study in the evenings or weekends whilst you've got no kids.
And as for him not cooking, that seriously needs to change for the future - if you have kids you'll need both of you able to cook, especially if you breastfeed and you're stuck feeding the baby for hours!

Seriously don't ask for money like an employee for cleaning rhe home and doing his fifty percent of thr work.

Just say ok. It's fair we both have the same disposable income. After bills we have 1000 left, which is five hundred each. As such, I will pay x towards the joint expenditure and you y. Which leaves is 500 each left. In the summer it will be six hundred when my debt is paid off and we will recalculate.

Do not turn cleaning and maintaining you own home into something youre paid for.

Shopping and cooking takes time and has to be done nearly every day.
You should have equal spending money. Is the car his or do you both use it?

No no no!

At 25 you should be investing in your own future. "Housekeeping" is maintenance, not investment. I worked full time, studied for two masters degree and was a single parent to two children. I paid a cleaner for two hours a week and our house was acceptable - I can't see what would keep you busy for two full days.

Yes, perhaps get him to put more into the household kitty but take responsibility for your own future earnings. And pay off your debts - debt interest is wasted earnings!

elvis86 thanks im currently looking into CBT, or high intensity pyschological well-being practitioner. Despite the thread im not that money orientated, I would like a rewarding job. I love mental health work but my nhs job was killing me (almost quite literally, ive been in hospital for injuries sustained at work)

Im out of NHS now, I work private but in an assessment / triage role. Not a rewarding career but good pay to see me through next two years.

I also agree, I think its amazing people manage child care, work, training all at once, i said in my opening post i feel very lucky and have a good quality of life, im very fortunate i dont have to work full time currently

I can’t get my head around a 25 year old voluntarily reducing her earning and pension capacity by 40% to cook and clean for a boyfriend.

Me neither. I was very shocked to read that.

You can change who does what. It happens quite naturally and you renegotiate money, if someone is ill or unemployed. I wouldn't worry if everyone is happy but op is not getting a fair deal and she knows it. I don't think dp is deliberately exploiting her but it needs to change. If he has all the savings she is not in control of them and could lose out in lots of different scenarios.
Get the principles right now op, then adjustments will be easier down the line

Takula - What wpuod the extra “housekeeping money” be for though? Food? Cleaning stuff? Household bits and pieces? Did you factor all this into the bills already or are you asking for extra money to cover food and sundries as you’ll basically be the one shopping for all this?

The way you are doing the split at the moment (as I understand it) is that you add up the total bills as a % of your combined income and then each transfer half the money into a joint account to cover them, is that right?

So you end up paying a far higher percentage of your earnings towards bills than he does?

Why don't you both just transfer all but (say) £500 each of your earnings into the joint account? That way you both end up with about the same spending money.

It may have been lost among other comments but you both need to have wills OP.

It’s not something that can be put off if you are buying a house together.