To request 'house keeping' from partner

[Talula1993]

Sorry if people find the term house keeping offensive, just not sure how else to phrase it !

Firstly I'd like to add I know I'm not hard done by, we have a very good quality of life and money for people our age (25) and I'm very grateful, I'm just wanting opinions on what is fair between me and my boyfriend.

I know questions like this usually result in people saying "as long as you are both happy / feel it's right etc yada yada it's right", however I genuinely can't work out if I should feel under valued or if I'm getting my fair entitlement.

Me and my partner have just bought a house, we have worked out how much all our monthly expenditure is including mortgage, bills, dog care and walkers, joint spending money (cinema, meals out etc) insurance, savings, food and a few other things. And then worked out what % of our joint income this is, and transferring that % from our wages into a joint account and what remaining is individual 'spending money' for hobbies and frivoulous things.

We both do over time but this goes towards holidays and presents/christmas.

So my partners spending money after his personal bills (car, phone etc) is 850.

My personal spending after credit card and travel is about 220. My cards should be paid off by august. So will likely be 400ish then.

I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc and I'm also going to do a post grad distant learning course and voluntary. So me being at home means he shouldn't have to barely lift a finger evening and weekends. I also always do all evening meals as he is exceptionally incompetent in the kitchen. - my job is also very stressful and I dont get any enjoyment from it, but theres nothing else I can do which is as near by and pays aswell, all other jobs i could do would only pay an extra 2k for full time and likely cancelled out by travel so not worth it, my partner loves his job though.

I believe that my partner should be entitled to more as he is working harder, I don't believe house work is comparable to a full day of work, so I'm not suggesting equal spends. But should I get a small amount extra spending money to compensate for doing all house work?

We don't like the joint pot idea just yet, both in agreement that we want to have our own money for frivolous things and some independence, when we marry/ have kids that'll change.

He won't spend 800 a month, and I know 250 isn't a tiny amount but I spend about 70 every 4/5 weeks to travel to see my family, so that's 180, which is 45 a week, but I like my hair, make up clothes and nights out etc, my boyfriend doesn't really spend on any of that , he maybe buys a new game and a few comics a month and then goes out for a few drinks once a week. He says he doesn't spend over 250 usually. And ultimately his savings will benefit me as it's going towards starting a business for us (which is what my course is towards)

When my cards are paid off in summer I feel 400 is plenty, but till then 220 just seems very low comparatively to his 800.

Is it unreasonable for me to suggest a token gesture amount per month for doing all house work, maybe £50? or since he is already paying a larger chunk of bills should I should just be grateful and keep quiet?

Thanks

I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc and I'm also going to do a post grad distant learning course and voluntary. So me being at home means he shouldn't have to barely lift a finger evening and weekends

Then he pays for your domestic labour.

I would not do all the housework. Start as you mean to go on. The house and then children will forever be seen as your job. How much mess can 2 people with no kids make? While you prepare dinner he should clean or vice versa.

but I like my hair, make up clothes and nights out etc

I reckon you could forgoe the above for roughly 24 weeks until you have paid your debt off.

Then you will be fine, Im sure.

As far as I can see it:

Contribution to future business

Him: saving most of his disposal cash
You: retraining

Contribution to household

Him: pays a higher percentage of the bills
You: do most/all of the housework

Work

Him: full-time
You: part-time

It seems roughly fair to me. You could reasonably ask to undertake some more chores but it doesn't look horrendous to me as a short-term measure for a young, unmarried couple with no children.

Tbf OP, you've posted asking for opinions - others' judgment of the situation is exactly what you're going to get!

I think if you've made a joint decision that you'll go part-time to facilitate studying towards starting a business together and being at home for a dog etc, then the financial repurcussions of that decision should be borne by both of you?

I'm for pooling money - as others have said I don't understand why you'd want more disposable income than the person you love and live with.

Like others though, I don't see the logical leap to this meaning you're agreeing to cover all housework? That sounds very old fashioned and likely to bite you on the ass later on.

So I think your disposable income should be equal, but trying to increase yours by framing it as "Housekeeping money" / a payment for cleaning and walking the dog is very strange IMO.

Incidentally, what's the situation with your house purchase? That's a factor in all of this too.

He facilitates your choice to work 3 days a week.
You facilitate his needing to do less housework as you have two extra days off per week than him.

Stop with all the tit for that shite.

Please be bothered about your pension.
Your 20s is exactly when it matters.
If you're in an NHS role it'll be a lot better than it would be elsewhere.
Do you plan to keep NHS work on after starting your business?
Private therapy practice doesn't generally make much money unless you also do consultancy, public speaking too. And the pensions are crap compared to NHS.

How many hours a week do you work? Don't nurses do long shifts that add up to full time hours in 3 days anyway?

It's not your fault that you're worthwhile career is relatively low paid.

The fairest way is to split the leftover money after all joint expenses and savings have been covered but I wouldn't be falling over myself doing all the cleaning though.

He needs to contribute to the running of his home or else it is likely to take over most or all of your free time.

Treat the housework as a second job. The household pays you minimum wage for the number of hours you work.

For example let's assume 8 hours a week, I think that works out at £266 a month. Redo the original calculations with the £266 added to joint outgoings and your income (that you pay a percentage of.) Each month, deduct £266 from you percentage contribution as your salary for doing housework.

If you are a couple planning a future it's different from flatsharing. You are working it out wrong unless you share household chores equally. A puppy is a lot of work and should not be left all day. If you think you will have loads of spare time after all this and study, make an adjustment for what you might have earned in that time
You should have equal spending money and saving money (keep anything you had before separate). He could help you pay credit cards but otherwise that comes out of your spending. Your course money and business savings should have equal status and be joint?
If bills are a larger % of your income you should be paying less not more. You should pay the percentage of bills that your income is related to his. If he earns twice what you do he should pay double (so you pay one third he pays two). Essential expenses like travel to work and arguably fares to visit family should be taken into account.
If that doesn't even it up a bit he should pay more. See Alvin Hall's book for different ways of sharing, managing money.

As for yadayada, obvs you don't feel it's fair ATM, I'd say you are right. Who paid deposit on house, are you joint tenants or in common

Life insurance is a waste of money unless you have kids.

Yabu to expect him to give you his money, ywnbu saying you’re going back to work full time so you’d both need to pay for cleaner, dog sitter etc.

I dont get why people are saying im too young, loads of people my age havent even started careers or are full time students, Im still working in a semi relevent field, and using my other 2 days to futher my experience. If anything I would argue the younger the better. Ive worked full time 4 years, taken 2 years to slightly retrain then ill go back to full. Im still bringing in a healthy salary in that time.

But thank you to all the fair comments. I expected some people to say im being unreasonable and most have given justified reasons to this, and i respect that as i self confessed that i didnt know if i was being spoilt or not

However all the comments calling me lazy and stupid or saying our relationship wont work are conpletely ridiculous.

I do take on board that I shouldnt do all house work as it sets a president

I’ve done the split by income - I was actually the higher earner.... my query would be about the way you’ve accounted for costs. You seem to be putting clothes, hair etc in personal expenditure which it kind of is but... you can’t not get a regular haircut for instance. You don’t necessarily need to to go to a fancy salon or have fancy treatments but..... I suspect part of the issue is that you haven’t finalised the debate about what’s part of being in a couple and what’s your choice. You need to otherwise you are going to feel hard done to now but also in the future potentially when you have kids and you are in mat leave.

Talula we aren’t judging you. We are trying to warn you.

As soon as you move in together and set this as the status quo it is going to be very hard to change it. Ever.

If he isn’t doing any housework at all you are likely to end up doing it all forever, even once you go full time, even once you have a new baby.

It may seem like a small thing but the relationship boards are chock full of threads by women filled with resentment because they feel like they are the unpaid, unappreciated family maid. It can be soul destroying.

Add to that trapped in a relationship that has gone wrong but you can’t economically escape.

I’ve been a SAHM but I was married and had (some) protection. I returned to work as soon as my children were old enough.

My DH’s earnings are such that I don’t “need” to work. Nevertheless I work full time.

Lots of my friends are SAHMs who have been out of work for a decade and who would be completely screwed if their relationships broke down or even in some cases if their DH’s died.

I’m sure your DP is lovely, I’m sure your relationship is strong but you never know what is round the corner.

The reality is that you are taking all the risk here and he is taking none.

And btw 25 becomes 40 in a blink.

My partner & I both work shifts. So we both have to cook, we both share the house work, garden, DIY etc. If your partner lived on his own, he would have to cook, clean himself. At 25 you say you don't want to think about a pension. I'm so glad that I started a pension & savings in my 20s. Your money is due to go up soon, so I would wait until that time. Your earnings are due to increase in the future.

Problem for me is that he will get used to you doing all the housework and it will never change. You need to do half each. If necessary g6e can subcontract his share but not to you. He needs to know he is responsible for his share of the "wifework".

He s not responsible for your credit card debt - if you want more until it's paid off get some shifts in a pub or sainsburys.

FWIW I ran a home, had two dc and a full time job and got professional quals so from my oerspective you do sound a little entitled.

Please just pool both your salaries and take an equal amount as 'spends' and put the rest into a joint savings account for your future business. I know you're not married but you need to start as you mean to go on. It will make things easier in the long run. You've already made a huge commitment to each other so it seems daft to have the set up you have now. As it is you have taken on the role of unpaid housekeeper/cook/doggie daycare. Any of these roles would have to be paid for if you didn't do them.

CaMePlaitPas

My boyfriend is a great, caring man and respects and supports everything i do.

As i said, my two days are not to be his maid, im doing my own things but as i have more spare time ill do more house work so we can enjoy evenings together.

Granted he should learn to cook, but in the big scheme of things it isnt a big deal

This is really unsettling, and very worrying that you would think this is OK.

Of course your boyfriend will want this agreement - he doesn't have to do any housework, he never has to walk the dog, and he doesn't have to bother about being an incompetent cook.

You're taking on all the labour whilst still continuing to work and somehow also thinking you can train/study for a new job.

And this:

Im not bothered about pension. Im 25 years old its 2 years of my life

Is completely stupid.

Think about yourself here - your own life, your needs and your future. And ask yourself - what is your boyfriend giving up? Absolutely nothing.

When it comes to housekeeping - please start as you mean to go on.

You are setting a terrible precedent, he's only 25, get him cleaning already.

How long have you been together, and are you going to get married?

I agree with Butchy in your individual circumstances it does seem roughly fair, I think that the reason it seems so uneven for you is that you have to take your credit card and travel out of your money (both unavoidable I understand that) whereas he is free with all of his already bigger portion. Fwiw I think you have your head screwed on and are working hard for the future

Butchyrestingface has laid it out brilliantly.

The division is fair at the moment, especially if you have an agreement that he is saving for your joint future. You're getting a lot of financial support and share of future savings to start the business, so I don't think you need to be getting more for your hair, make up and nights out.

It's a fair split. When you're married, things change and a completely joint pot is fair. But at the moment, you could still split tomorrow with no paperwork and you'd have had a lot of his money. When kids come, everything must be split evenly.

But right now, the plan is fair.

Yes, I also wanted to say you seem terrifically responsible for a 25 year old, You're going to do well in life.

Him not being able to cook might not seem like a big deal now but it will years down the line..... especially if you have children. But by then he will be so used to you doing all the 'womens' work he will feel it's unreasonable to be expected to step up.

Sort that bit out asap - it will make a huge difference long term. There's nothing more attractive than a man who can cook and keep a clean house ( basically be an adult) and nothing more unattractive than a man child who can't even do the most basic of household chores.

“Here’s my situation, please judge AIBU?”

“OMG you are all so judgemental!”