To request 'house keeping' from partner

[Talula1993]

Sorry if people find the term house keeping offensive, just not sure how else to phrase it !

Firstly I'd like to add I know I'm not hard done by, we have a very good quality of life and money for people our age (25) and I'm very grateful, I'm just wanting opinions on what is fair between me and my boyfriend.

I know questions like this usually result in people saying "as long as you are both happy / feel it's right etc yada yada it's right", however I genuinely can't work out if I should feel under valued or if I'm getting my fair entitlement.

Me and my partner have just bought a house, we have worked out how much all our monthly expenditure is including mortgage, bills, dog care and walkers, joint spending money (cinema, meals out etc) insurance, savings, food and a few other things. And then worked out what % of our joint income this is, and transferring that % from our wages into a joint account and what remaining is individual 'spending money' for hobbies and frivoulous things.

We both do over time but this goes towards holidays and presents/christmas.

So my partners spending money after his personal bills (car, phone etc) is 850.

My personal spending after credit card and travel is about 220. My cards should be paid off by august. So will likely be 400ish then.

I only work 3 days a week because we agreed it would be good to have me at home two days to do all house work (quite a big house) look after the dog (gettiing a puppy eee) etc and I'm also going to do a post grad distant learning course and voluntary. So me being at home means he shouldn't have to barely lift a finger evening and weekends. I also always do all evening meals as he is exceptionally incompetent in the kitchen. - my job is also very stressful and I dont get any enjoyment from it, but theres nothing else I can do which is as near by and pays aswell, all other jobs i could do would only pay an extra 2k for full time and likely cancelled out by travel so not worth it, my partner loves his job though.

I believe that my partner should be entitled to more as he is working harder, I don't believe house work is comparable to a full day of work, so I'm not suggesting equal spends. But should I get a small amount extra spending money to compensate for doing all house work?

We don't like the joint pot idea just yet, both in agreement that we want to have our own money for frivolous things and some independence, when we marry/ have kids that'll change.

He won't spend 800 a month, and I know 250 isn't a tiny amount but I spend about 70 every 4/5 weeks to travel to see my family, so that's 180, which is 45 a week, but I like my hair, make up clothes and nights out etc, my boyfriend doesn't really spend on any of that , he maybe buys a new game and a few comics a month and then goes out for a few drinks once a week. He says he doesn't spend over 250 usually. And ultimately his savings will benefit me as it's going towards starting a business for us (which is what my course is towards)

When my cards are paid off in summer I feel 400 is plenty, but till then 220 just seems very low comparatively to his 800.

Is it unreasonable for me to suggest a token gesture amount per month for doing all house work, maybe £50? or since he is already paying a larger chunk of bills should I should just be grateful and keep quiet?

Thanks

Will you need more than £220 if everything else is already paid for?

OP you are not married so it is unreasonable to ask him to support you. As a single adult - yes you are single as you aren't married or in a civil partnership - you need to support yourself. If your partner got run over by a truck tomorrow his share of your house would go to his family not you.

When my cards are paid off in summer I feel 400 is plenty, but till then 220 just seems very low comparatively to his 800.

I thought you said he was saving, not spending, most of the £800?

The house keeping is just an extra financial bonus for adding in considerably more effort into the house.

I dont want to go full time as I hate my job, and im doing a course to be able to build my own business as well as doing mental health charity work.

Please dont pass judgment, my boyfriend is very fair, we have not moved into new house yet (we already lived together and had no financial arrangement, was very disorganised) we have merely so far discussed an arrangement but not agreed on anything. Not everyone likes the pooling money arrangement. We arent married

There are lots of contradictions here. You say that bills were all added up and then the percentage worked out, yet you both still have bills (for phone, work travel etc.) coming out of your 'own' money. You say that you have allocated two days when he's working and you're not, yet you then say that you're spending that time doing housework and study.

Who is paying for your course? I think that the costs of your future business such as your course and savings should be in the joint pool of expenditure.

The money is irrelevant really
It’s the attitudes of both of you.

What the fuck do you think will happen if you have kids if he expects you to do 90% of the housework because you’re studying for 2 days and not working

It isn't housekeeping. It's you wanting his cash to spend on yourself whilst he works and you relax.

Ignore the stupid comments about financial insecurity. Bitter divorces have made a few posters quick to talk about this. With both of you paying the mortgage, you're investing well.

Butchyrestingface, he'll choose to save majority of it, but he has the freedom to spend it all

I'm using the two days I have to get further training and experience in a career I will actually enjoy.

Well then he should be doing half the housework.

And your position as part time should be for a specified period of time only until you get your qualification.

You aren’t married.
If you split up you could end up unable to support yourself.
If he dies you are potentially vulnerable.

Please tell me you have a will and life insurance (for both of you) in place?

Mortgage is all well and good but what about pension when working part time?

I don't see why it has to be about housekeeping.
If you're earning less surely your contribution to bills should be proportionally lower.

Why don't you work full time, like your partner, and share the cleaning of the house? I too can't understand why a young woman should just work part time, ostensibly in order to house keep for her partner.
You need to make the most of these years where you are young and active, there is no reason why you couldn't study and work full time. Many others do.

I can’t get my head around a 25 year old voluntarily reducing her earning and pension capacity by 40% to cook and clean for a boyfriend

This. Good grief.

My last relationship started at a similar age that you are at now. We pooled everything.

Two decades later I'm in a different LTR and although we split (some) bills 50:50 we keep everything else separate. Your post has got me thinking that even though I probably do more of the housework and only work part time I'm still the major earner, so it wouldn't be in my interest to have a joint pot. Food for thought.

Yes, because you both jointly agreed that it works for you both to have you at home, he should contribute housekeeping. I would suggest 50% of whatever a cleaner would cost to do what you do.

Butchyrestingface, he'll choose to save majority of it, but he has the freedom to spend it all

Yes, I appreciate that, but you've also said that he's saving towards a business that will benefit both of you in the meantime. Usually when these scenarios crop up, one partner is scrimping and scraping and the other partner is maintaining a very nice lifestyle. That isn't the case here: it sounds like your partner has adjusted his spending to an equivalent level with yours.

The training that you're doing in the 2 days, I presume, is a short-term thing? Once that's over, you'll be looking for a full-time position elsewhere? Or do you plan to continue working three days a week at a new job so you are still available to take care of the house/dog, etc?

I dont think you need a housekeeping fund but need to alter the percentages.

If you are a couple then really you should both have equal spending money

It sounds to me as though you should rethink the apportioning expenses on the basis of income. Just pool both your salaries and the housekeeping pot/ intermittent personal expenses will take care of themselves without either party having to " ask" the other for additional cash.
From that same fund draw up a budget for saving for the future business

I can’t really advise because for my DH and I, all money is shared. We have separate accounts, but all my money is his money and all his money is mine. I cannot imagine being in a committed relationship (to the extent of owning a house) and continuing with a situation where one person has vastly more capital than another.

'If you are a couple you should both have equal spending money.'
I don't agree with this as an absolute rule, as other circumstances could be at play.
What if one person works far harder than the other? What if one person chooses to have a more relaxed lifestyle?

I'm confused.

If the total of all of the bills is split on a % basis which is proportionate to the income each of you has, then that's fair - no? You will have less disposable income because you don't work FT and consequently earn less, however as a % you have the same available to you as he does. He has more because he works FT.

On that basis you seem to be asking him for an allowance purely based on the fact that he works FT and earns more, and you don't - and he doesn't spend all of his spare cash on hobbies and nice things whereas you do. If that's the case then YABU. If you want more cash to spend on hair and makeup then go out and earn it.

Kids are about 5 years down the line.

I am not vulnerable, im on good money , if we were to split or he was to die I would go full time and would be able to afford mortgage and bills on my own if i had to (i wouldnt though i would sell up)

We want to start a business in two years, hes already working in the field. Im training for a specific role in that business. So im not going to be part time forever.

Please can people stop being judgemental, im not being taken for a mug or being lazy.

We are both funding the course proprtionally out of joint account. I havent yet started

If he wants you to be part-time so that you can do his share of the housework then he needs to finance that to enable you to do it without being disadvantaged.

If you want to be part-time so that you can study then he should still be doing his share of the housework and you should finance your reduced working hours yourself.

I think in general though that getting into a situation where you are doing all the housework and being financially supported by him without being married is a pretty terrible idea. It will likely set up expectations of your role in the relationship which can be very difficult to extricate yourself from.

In what timescale do you expect to be working full time ? When you work full-time, will you still be expected to do all the house work ?

"On that basis you seem to be asking him for an allowance purely based on the fact that he works FT and earns more, and you don't" - no im asking since ill be doing most if not all of the housework, is it fair i get a small ammount more ?

Pay off your credit cards and then you will have plenty. Struggling to see why your DP should subsidise your past debts / decision to work PT and study / trips to your family.

After that if your DP wants to spend more than £400 a month on frivolities rather than matching you and paying off the mortgage early/ building the business fund / saving for a future family then that is a separate negotiation.