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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you pay back this 10k?

507 replies

cantchooseyourfamily · 06/01/2019 04:25

I'm looking for some advice, I was really ill over the last few years and managed to get treatment overseas that cost almost £50,000. The treatment was somewhat experimental at the time but is now available on the NHS, however I couldn't afford to wait and see if it would start being offered on the NHS so we made the decision that we would pay and I would go abroad for it.

Before I went for the treatment I wasn't sure about going, was worried about leaving my children and was also worried because I was about £10,000 short with being able to pay for it. DH and I have good jobs and are very lucky, we would have been able to get hold of the last 10k within a few months and were prepared to wait until we had it before I went ahead.

However, my mother offered to give me the remaining money and was insistent it was a gift, I asked several times over the following months if I should pay it back and she was insistent that it was fine, it was a gift, she wanted to help, etc. At that point we had the 10k and could have given it back, no issue.

Not that it necessarily matters but she's fairly well off with different companies and a few properties. This all happened over a year ago, I've moved on, am doing well health wise and have not thought about the money much, other than to feel grateful. Now out of nowhere she has messaged saying she's having business problems and wants the money back. I'm so upset, I hadn't factored this in, have my own stuff going on have made investments and purchases this year that I would not have done had I thought this was a loan rather than a gift. If I don't give it to her the family fall out will be huge, with my sister's and mother likely disowning me. On the other hand I think it's a rubbish way to treat me. There's so much more to the backstory but I wasn't raised by my mum and had very little to do with her until I was in my 20's, didn't meet my sister's until they were older and so on. I'm quite sure this would be the end of our fragile relationship but don't know if it might be for the best anyway. I couldn't imagine gifting my children a house deposit or sum of money to help with there wedding or medical treatment and then asking for it back a year later.

I'm very upset and wondering if I should just pay it back or not?

I also can't help remembering times over the last few years when she has paid for very expensive holidays and bought cars and things for her other children, none of which bothered me at the time, I didn't need anything from her and am a bit older. I can't help thinking she won't be asking for those gifts back from her other children and it's just another way in which I'm treated very differently.

OP posts:
mimibunz · 06/01/2019 04:32

Pay it back in your own time and then go NC.

Peridot1 · 06/01/2019 04:32

Ouch. I can imagine that hurts.

But she has form for it by what you say.

I would reply saying ‘I am sorry but we just don’t have it now. You were clear that it was a gift not a loan at the time even though I asked more than once. Obviously we will try to pay you back but can’t do so straight away.”

And then I would see what she says. I would be going very low contact with her.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 06/01/2019 04:35

Just for context for us to understand the immediate need for this, what was the illness? So we understand your and mums mindset in this before forming opinions

Aaaahfuck · 06/01/2019 04:36

How much hardship would it mean for you if you paid it back? Personally if I had a fragile relationship with someone and they did this I'm not sure I would want a relationship with them anymore. So I would base your decision on whether you want to pay it back as a point of principal or not.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 06/01/2019 04:40

I don’t know the whole story here but she gave you a lot of money to heal you , which in your own words you could have raised in a mere few months. Regardless of reasons she now needs your help financially, am I missing something, surely you owe her if not put out love but thanks?

blackcat86 · 06/01/2019 04:41

Message her and reassert that you took the money because she reassured you several times that it was a gift and not a loan. You are unfortunately unable to pay the money back.

Then go low contact/NC. If things blow up then so be it. Your mum is not treating you well and I'm sure this incident has given you cause to assess your relationship anyway.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 06/01/2019 04:44

Actually I think your mum is treating you well, she gave you money for your health issues, now she needs help and you are saying no?

BruceAndNosh · 06/01/2019 04:45

I think since she needs it now, you should repay her.
You did have the 10k, but then used it on investments and purchases.
Can you liquidate maybe 5k of those investments, and at least repay half?

Cherries101 · 06/01/2019 04:50

If she insisted it was a gift at the time, then it’s perfectly reasonable to tell her you planned accordingly and repay her in your own time. I suggest, however, that you go NC with her. She isn’t someone you need in your life.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 06/01/2019 04:50

Again what was the medical emergency not offered on the nhs?

Cherries101 · 06/01/2019 04:55

I’m guessing proton beam laser therapy and if that’s the case OP’s mum is a dick.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 06/01/2019 04:59

That’s a big guess, but op states she could have raised the funds in weeks. If it were you and donating party therefore saved your life and needed it back would you say no?

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 06/01/2019 05:03

Cherries proton beam therapy has been offered on the nhs overseas for about 10 years so not sure it's that ... unless they didn't think she was a suitable candidate for treatment.

Anyway, it was given as a gift so I'd be telling her that she expressly states it was a gift and as such you don't have the money to give back to her straight away as you weren't actually expecting to have to repay it. However you'll do what you can
to repay it.

Then think about your relationship with your mother and siblings and if it's a healthy one and go low/no contact.

Original poster
cantchooseyourfamily · 06/01/2019 05:05

Thanks everyone, it was a treatment to try and halt a progressive neurological condition. It seems to have worked although it will be a while yet before we can be sure.

I do feel it's a point of principal, a gift is just that and it feels very wrong to ask for a gift back, it's not something I would ever do, least off all to my children. I think the history and feelings of not being loved/abandonment are all resurfacing. I thought this gift from her was a way of showing that I was part of the family, that she would be there if I ever really needed her, etc.

I'm not sure I'm strong enough for the fall out if I push back on this but likewise I don't want to be a doormat. I have put up with shoddy treatment over the years from her and thought I had reached a place where she couldn't really hurt me emotionally anymore.

OP posts:
Bibijayne · 06/01/2019 05:08

YANBU. I like @Peridot1 suggestion.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 06/01/2019 05:11

If you want to be done give back the money, you can then move on completely. Or you can try and rebuild your relationship, it will be your choice once obstacles are removed

PeaQiwiComHequo · 06/01/2019 05:13

families help each other.

you are right that this was a gift not a loan and your mum shouldn't be demanding repayment. However, she now needs help. she's asking for help in terms of requesting repayment as that is less embarrassing for her than asking for you to help her as she has previously helped you.

I'm not sure it's reasonable of you to tie up all your capital in illiquid assets that will make helping tricky. but you are where you are. I think you should try to find a way to help her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/01/2019 05:26

From your last update I would return the money even if you have to get a loan.

However I would send her the money in cheque form along with a letter. Say in the letter that you have raised the funds with difficulty as she was clear on several occasions that it was a gift, not a loan. That you felt the gift of money for life altering treatment was your mothers way of telling you that you are loved and accepted as a family member. Now that she is expecting the gift to now be returned you believe this not to be the case. As a result you are very sad.

This will then force her to take the money from you, rather than you simply transferring it. If you no longer have a cheque book, I’d get one specifically for the purpose and give reason for the delay in giving her the money as “needing a couple of weeks to raise the funds”.

Do you have anything in writing ie text or email about the money being a gift? I’d also reference that in your letter along with a quote.

I’d want to write more but I wouldn’t. I’m so sorry you’ve been left feeling this way. None of this is your fault. What the woman you gave birth to is doing is very wrong. She and her children don’t sound very nice. The request for money really does say more about them then it does about you.

You have a husband and children, who love you. Now would be a really good time to focus on eachother. ((Hugs))

Motoko · 06/01/2019 05:34

She insisted it was a gift. Several times. So, for that reason alone, you shouldn't have to pay it back.

Also, is she also asking the other siblings for money back that she has given to them? If not, that's another reason not to give it to her.

However, you could always do as pps suggested, and remind her that you asked several times if you had to pay it back, and she said no, that you don't have the money to pay it back in one lump sum, and offer to pay in instalments.

Whatever you decide, I think going low/no contact after would be better for you emotionally. She still doesn't think of you as she should, and you'll always be in danger of being let down by her.

@Justagirlwholovesaboy you seem very invested in this thread, with 6 posts already, just 18 posts in. Why is that?

Petalflowers · 06/01/2019 06:06

Tricky one.

Did you use the money for the treatment? Then if so, I think it’s unfair if her to ask for it back. If youndidn’t, and it ended up not being used for its original intention, then it’s more tricky.

Can you explain you don’t have the money at present, and offer to pay some or all in instalments?

flumpybear · 06/01/2019 06:09

She did a good thing for you - am I right in thinking you didn't use her £10k in the end so invested it in other things? If so you should pay her back really as you used it for your own purposes not for what it was intended

ihadasleepintoday · 06/01/2019 06:14

Op clearly said it was used for treatment.

I would probably tell her I'm disappointed she's asking for it back as it was a gift and make it clear you can't afford it, that it would have to be instalments over x amount of time. I'd have no contact with her after this.

I agree this is something I could never do to my child. Particularly given it was for medical treatment. I'd just be so glad you were doing well and wouldn't want to cause you any stress.

reallyshouldgetup · 06/01/2019 06:32

Not that it necessarily matters but she's fairly well off with different companies and a few properties

Unless your mum is going to go bankrupt, no-one with 'a few proprerties' can be considered hard up. And if she is about to go bankrupt £10k is hardly likely to make a difference.

I'm with you OP. A gift is a gift. We've given money to friends who have genuinely fallen on hard times (not as much as your mum but 4 figure sums), I'd never dream of asking for it back, no matter how little money we had.

I think Peridot1 suggested response is perfect. As for NC, I don't generally think falling out with family is a good idea, but maybe just don't make quite so much effort.

Original poster
cantchooseyourfamily · 06/01/2019 06:33

It was 100% used for the treatment, the money went into my account one day and was immediately transferred to the clinic with the other 40k of my own money on the same day.

My DH gets a big bonus once a year that was due a few months after I had the treatment, if my mother hadn't given me the money we would have waited and used that bonus to pay for it.

After the bonus came through we asked a few times if she was sure and each time she said yes, it was a gift and so on.

We then made decisions over the next year that we wouldn't have done if we thought we owed someone £10,000. I invested heavily in my business and expanded and whilst we do have enough in a liquid savings account to pay it, I'm just not sure that it's the right thing to do.

OP posts:
KC225 · 06/01/2019 06:34

You say you asked several times if she wanted it back and she said no, and was insistent it was a gift. Do you have any emails or texts where she states 'no it's a gift'.

If she needs the money now and she sees you having good jobs, and new investment maybe do as others have suggested and say you cannot pay the amount in full but will pay £200 per month. I have no idea what your finances are but just going on you stating you and your DH having good jobs so £100 each a month would take.you both just over 4 years to pay. Going back to my first paragraph, you could remind her she said it was a gift but don't be that person who falls out with family over money just make up an payment plan that suits you.

The background about her not being around for is a but of a red herring. Were you making her pay for not being there, because you think the other children got more? Are you cloae to rhe othet chikdren? Perhaps they are being asked to pay back money as well. It's a tricky one OP.