Would you pay back this 10k?

[cantchooseyourfamily]

I'm looking for some advice, I was really ill over the last few years and managed to get treatment overseas that cost almost £50,000. The treatment was somewhat experimental at the time but is now available on the NHS, however I couldn't afford to wait and see if it would start being offered on the NHS so we made the decision that we would pay and I would go abroad for it.

Before I went for the treatment I wasn't sure about going, was worried about leaving my children and was also worried because I was about £10,000 short with being able to pay for it. DH and I have good jobs and are very lucky, we would have been able to get hold of the last 10k within a few months and were prepared to wait until we had it before I went ahead.

However, my mother offered to give me the remaining money and was insistent it was a gift, I asked several times over the following months if I should pay it back and she was insistent that it was fine, it was a gift, she wanted to help, etc. At that point we had the 10k and could have given it back, no issue.

Not that it necessarily matters but she's fairly well off with different companies and a few properties. This all happened over a year ago, I've moved on, am doing well health wise and have not thought about the money much, other than to feel grateful. Now out of nowhere she has messaged saying she's having business problems and wants the money back. I'm so upset, I hadn't factored this in, have my own stuff going on have made investments and purchases this year that I would not have done had I thought this was a loan rather than a gift. If I don't give it to her the family fall out will be huge, with my sister's and mother likely disowning me. On the other hand I think it's a rubbish way to treat me. There's so much more to the backstory but I wasn't raised by my mum and had very little to do with her until I was in my 20's, didn't meet my sister's until they were older and so on. I'm quite sure this would be the end of our fragile relationship but don't know if it might be for the best anyway. I couldn't imagine gifting my children a house deposit or sum of money to help with there wedding or medical treatment and then asking for it back a year later.

I'm very upset and wondering if I should just pay it back or not?

I also can't help remembering times over the last few years when she has paid for very expensive holidays and bought cars and things for her other children, none of which bothered me at the time, I didn't need anything from her and am a bit older. I can't help thinking she won't be asking for those gifts back from her other children and it's just another way in which I'm treated very differently.

What a bitch, she could sell a property or get a loan.

You're right OP, she's making a point.

Does she resent you or scapegoat you? Are you a reminder of choices she made when younger?

Yes, I'd see it as a way of asking for your help. She's probably embarrassed or ashamed to admit that she needs this money and has tried to justify it in her head as a return of money she gave you in the first place.

I'd try to have a gentle chat with her about how much difficulty she's really in.

Its very unfair shes asking for the money back after being insistent it was a loan with you asking her several times about giving it back

And I would pay it back and never ask for anything again.

Repay the money, it was given as a gift but for whatever reason, you are being asked to repay this money.

Don't consider if your mother is contacting your siblings. Relationships and family dynamics are complex and often difficult to understand, just look at your relationship with your mother and consider what you need from it.

Lots of people are suggesting the relationship being over. I would consider this long and hard. As someone who is nc with a family member, it is difficult to navigate particularly where children are concerned and brings me no happiness and only feelings of isolation and sadness.

For future, once the money is repaid I would neither borrow and lend money again x

Best thing about paying it back is she will have no hold on you so I would pay all of it asap if I was going to. I might think she was out of order and not pay though. Whatever you do this is likely to spoil your relationship, may not stop her making demands and being an arse.
I would not pay part or instalments because she will still hold it over you. It's not about money really, only you can decide if it's worth falling out over, if it can stop or make you fall out, how you will feel if you do or don't. I like the idea of a cheque and letter.

Did any of your questioning that "is it a gift?" take place by email or text which you still have? You could forward the email for instance and say "look! " then explain you don't have the money now.

It's an interesting point that someone raised as to whether she is asking her other DC for gifts back? How is your relationship with them OP, perhaps they have bullied her into asking for it back

There's definitely more to this than the OP is telling us. She was so ill she needed medical treatment, that's what the NHS is for. She chose to have experimental treatment abroad and asked her DM, with whom she seems to have a fractured relationship, to lend her some money despite her and DH being well off. They could have easily got a bank loan or even credit card to pay this. DM gave them the money but said it was a gift, or more likely said to pay her back whenever they wanted.
Now DM is asking them for the money back. OP is annoyed about this because she didn't think she'd have to repay it.
Her mother helped her out when she's needed it, now her mother needs the help. The OP is telling us she's well off and has the money but just doesn't see why she should give her mother the money. It would be interesting to hear her mother's take on all this!
Return the money OP. That's the right thing to do morally.

While she has no legal right to ask for it back, I think I’d repay it. She did you a favour when you needed it, and now she’s asking you to return that favour while she needs it.

This.

It sounds as though her need for the money is genuine. Give her the money back, in stages if need be. Try not to let the situation trigger your feelings (although I appreciate this could be hard). See it as familiy help each other financially in a crisis, until it is proven to be otherwise.

i say give it back but not because of what the others are saying
when she gave you the gift it made you feel like you were a part of the family and that you were important and loved, even though for most of your life you have felt like an after thought or like a random stranger to them, she made you think she cared....
tell her its ok you understand and give it back, and from that point on remember how she has made you feel and each time she contacts you keep it in mind... she is now the after thought, she is now the random stranger and you dont ever have to deal with her or the rest of them any more if you choose not to, give back the money and stop the hot and cold emotional games in there tracks, because you know you will be drawn back in each time she takes any notice of you and them pushed away again and again... take charge and end this on your terms and only accept contact on your terms after this ( and get it in your mind now they you wont be nursing any of them in their old age, a stranger can wipe their ass and change their adult diapers)

Pay it back as and when you can and go NC

If you have the money OP pay it back now. See it as helping her out when she needs it as she did with you.

If you have a good job as you have said, than I would suggest you take out a loan and give it to her and then go low contact. I agree it was a gift and I'm sorry it must hurt she has treated you this way - but the issue will not be settled until you do. For your own peace of mind, settle it so you never feel you owe her anything. You don't need the stress - you need to focus on staying healthy. I am glad you are feeling better. And going forward, can I recommend you lower our expectations of her to zero so she never disappoints you. I'm sorry you should not have to do this - but please just focus on the people in your life - blood related or not - who you care about and care about you.

You're right OP. This us a rubbish way to treat you, especially as it was for medical treatment. And what mother hands out a gift and then asks for it back? I wouldn't dream of asking my son to pay back money I've given him for his studies in a million years.

She repeatedly insisted it was a gift so I would remind her of this and wouldn't pay it back on principle. Is she asking her other daughters for money back? I bet she's not.

If she has multiple businesses and properties, I can't believe she is suddenly desperate for 10k.

I wouldn't want to have any obligations to her and would pay the money back. I'd also refuse to accept any gifts of money from her in the future as she will obviously stil view it as 'hers'.

Best not to be beholden to people like that. ' Never a borrower or a Lender be' seems to be good advice in this instance. It is a shame when you can't rely on a parent for support, but doing so will only cause trouble I think.

Give it back. She bailed you out, now it's your turn.

Maybe the rest of the family have found out about the gift and are putting pressure on her to get it back. They may have been unaware and feel that it’s unfair? My mil gives money regularly to her daughter overseas, which we only found out about recently. DH is very unhappy about it.

Did she allude to it having been a gift in her message requesting it’s return and sound apologetic or did she sound like she’s changed her mind and it has now become a loan?

Pay it back. I doubt she'd ask if she didn't need it.

I can pay you back but not immediately. You were 100% clear that the money was a gift on several occasions therefore I do not have the money to hand to pay you back now. I will look into it and get back to you with a payment schedule. In the meantime you might want to ask Besty to sell the car you bought her or Jim to sell the Rolex watch you bought him for a more immediate return of money.

Absolutely this. Do not put yourself out for her, so don't liquidate any assets or take out loans. Send her a simiiar message to the one above and see what happens. I agree with others that the siblings may have something to do with this request from her. Can you find out somehow if they're involved, what their financial situations are like, has she asked them?

To answer your question I might pay it back and then have nothing whatsoever to do with her. I think it's highly unfair she is asking for it back and hard to say how much she actually "needs" it. Likely she felt good about gifting it (might have enjoyed telling people about the gesture) and now the immediate threat to your health is over, is grudging it. In view of how much she has spent on her other children and will no doubt continue to do so I think you deserve that money. Basically, depends on whether you actually think she is suffering hardship at the mo or is just at it. Sorry you are going through this, it sounds extremely hurtful.

There are some people on here that clearly don't understand toxic relationships and seem to struggle with reading comprehension. I don't see at all that she was there for you when you needed you. Or that you have any obligations towards this woman at all. It sounds to me like she has failed you massively in your childhood. The one time she was there for you, when you really needed help, she is sullying by reneging on her promise. A gift is something given willingly to another without obligation. That is the point. You owe her nothing.

If anything, her other children, who indirectly benefited from her failures towards you, are the ones that owe her, not you.

I'd refuse to pay her back under these circumstances of emotional blackmail and go NC. She will never be the mother you wished for sadly. I'd consider therapy to work through the painful feelings arising from her treatment of you.

*when you needed her

Tell her you don't have it in a lump sum and Offer a repayment schedule over 18m.

I would then slowly distance urself from the relationship during that period.