Would you pay back this 10k?

[cantchooseyourfamily]

I'm looking for some advice, I was really ill over the last few years and managed to get treatment overseas that cost almost £50,000. The treatment was somewhat experimental at the time but is now available on the NHS, however I couldn't afford to wait and see if it would start being offered on the NHS so we made the decision that we would pay and I would go abroad for it.

Before I went for the treatment I wasn't sure about going, was worried about leaving my children and was also worried because I was about £10,000 short with being able to pay for it. DH and I have good jobs and are very lucky, we would have been able to get hold of the last 10k within a few months and were prepared to wait until we had it before I went ahead.

However, my mother offered to give me the remaining money and was insistent it was a gift, I asked several times over the following months if I should pay it back and she was insistent that it was fine, it was a gift, she wanted to help, etc. At that point we had the 10k and could have given it back, no issue.

Not that it necessarily matters but she's fairly well off with different companies and a few properties. This all happened over a year ago, I've moved on, am doing well health wise and have not thought about the money much, other than to feel grateful. Now out of nowhere she has messaged saying she's having business problems and wants the money back. I'm so upset, I hadn't factored this in, have my own stuff going on have made investments and purchases this year that I would not have done had I thought this was a loan rather than a gift. If I don't give it to her the family fall out will be huge, with my sister's and mother likely disowning me. On the other hand I think it's a rubbish way to treat me. There's so much more to the backstory but I wasn't raised by my mum and had very little to do with her until I was in my 20's, didn't meet my sister's until they were older and so on. I'm quite sure this would be the end of our fragile relationship but don't know if it might be for the best anyway. I couldn't imagine gifting my children a house deposit or sum of money to help with there wedding or medical treatment and then asking for it back a year later.

I'm very upset and wondering if I should just pay it back or not?

I also can't help remembering times over the last few years when she has paid for very expensive holidays and bought cars and things for her other children, none of which bothered me at the time, I didn't need anything from her and am a bit older. I can't help thinking she won't be asking for those gifts back from her other children and it's just another way in which I'm treated very differently.

First things first distance yourself from your mother.

Then do whatever makes you feel better with the money, so keep it as compensation for having a shit mum or give it back because you want nothing to do with her.But don't do anything with money with the idea of fixing your relationship, giving her 10k won't make her love you.

She would have spent a tonne more than 10k on you if she had raised you herself.

She said several times it was a gift, don't put yourself in financial hardship just for her. If you do feel obliged to pay her back do it at your family's convenience. I bet she hasn't asked the siblings who had holidays paid for by her for money.

To answer your question I cannot see why you took her money when you could've done without it.

In your position where you could pay it back maybe not all right now but in time I would pay back but the relationship would pretty much be over not becuase she needs the money but way she has gone about getting it. I would not look kindly to anyone who made my financial situation worse through their withdrawn generosity or if they had left it alone in the first place.

I would not.
I would say that it was clearly a gift, in line with the numerous things she has gifted her other children.

Has she asked your siblings for help? I actually think she’s being really cruel given what the money was for, especially if she’s given them cash gifts and is wealthy. You’ll never look at her again regardless of what you do but I’d try and understand what her need is and use some of the wording others have suggested re your understanding that it was a gift.

I'd write back that I'll pay it but don't have money to give it in a lump sum. If she still wants it or insists on a lump sum, then just cut contact. You don't sound like you are happy with the relationship anyway. Maybe she wants to buy another car or give a house deposit to another of her children.

I agree about sending it in check form and writing a letter to go with it.

You say you have the money, just pay her.

She's proved to be a rubbish mother yet again. Keep your pride and your distance.

To be honest I would probably go with the 'if you want the money back we will repay although you said it was a gift, but we can't do it at once so it will have to be in installments" line.

I would also suggest getting a therapist to talk through your feelings and emotions about this. Yes she is abandoning you again, and it will hurt. You need to sort that out separately from the money issue, and work out what is the best long term solution for you.

Pay it back. It will.come up again if you don't. Then refuse all future gifts. Just say, your money is yours to do with what you wish, we don't need it, we can find our way on our own.

(Experience of similar situations... it was liberating to return the money even though I had to take out a loan to do it and when offered assets in the future I explained why and said no thank you. I suspect in the collective family memory, no one ever since that I paid it back. There are also other collective family memory errors which I correct when they come up.)

If my daughter was going to need 10K to improve her health I would give it to her in a heartbeat, regardless of whether it caused problems for me. I think your mother is wrong for doing this but equally she might feel as if she's in economic dire straits and this is the only way to help herself short term. I'd have a conversation with her, explaining that you believed this money to be a gift but £X amount of money will be in her account each month until the "debt" is cleared.

Unfortunately AIBU is not the place for this thread. You'd get much more understanding replies in Relationships.

But I agree with Rosehip's posts. Given that this is just one example of a long history of treating you badly, I think you should walk away from the relationship.

You say that the savings you have are to pay off a business loan - presumably there is interest on that loan? If so you should pay off that loan first before you give any money to your mother (if you're going to give her anything).

Perhaps you could compromise and give her £5k (half) but definitely not until you've paid other debts that incur interest.

Oh and read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward then cut/reduce all contact. You really don't need her in your life.

What Peridot said!

Yes, pay it back. You sound very well off yourself and your husband gets a big bonus every year. Its obviously the right thing to do. She gave you a gift when she felt she could afford it, now she needs that money. You will, as you say, completely end your relationship with her and the rest of your family if you don't. Just be certain that's truly what you want after her generous gesture last year.

I think either way your relationship with your mother is over.
Maybe if she had approached it in an different way then I would have said repay but I think you walk away with your head held high and accept she's not going to be in your life. X

Ask her if she's also asking your siblings to pay back what she's spent on them.

I think it’s genuinely dreadful that she’s asking for it back given the reason it was given to you, as a parent if I was in a similar situation and needed 10k I would do everything in my power to avoid asking you for it back but if I had absolutely no choice I would be incredibly embarrassed and apologetic. I don’t get the feeling that she does need it, it feels to me like this is some weird sort of power/control/favouritism effort. I’m incredibly bloody-minded so in your shoes I’d give it back cheerfully with no hint of any struggles or difficulties it might put me in and then go very LC with her. If she is looking for a reaction I’d do everything I could to avoid giving her one.

I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this position OP, with best wishes for continued good health.

Ask her if she's also asking your siblings to pay back what she's spent on them.

Yes, that's a good idea. I don't think there's anything wrong in talking it through with her - if you can manage it calmly and without crying, which might be difficult. Feeling abandoned cuts very deep, maybe you should tell her how you feel, and that this adds to the hurt and feeling of being singled out.

Maybe still view the 10k as a gift and regard what your mum is asking for now as a new request for financial help.

"Mum, I won't pay the gift back but I am willing to help you out financially on my own terms".

Means your sort of in the driving seat.

What sort of parent goes to their kids to ask for money? Eugh.

Has anything precipitated this OP, do you think? Have you had a falling out or could she be upset about something else and be using this as a way to control your behaviour?

Regardless, I would repay the money in the least painful way to you, just to keep the moral high ground. Then distance yourself and maybe get some therapy to work through your feelings about your relationship. Things like this really take their toll, no matter how strong you are.

If you said she’d always been there for you and was a brilliant mum I’d say pay it back, but then I suspect you would have done that anyway. But as you say she didn’t look after you as a child and favours your siblings I’d say keep the cash and break contact with her, she’s got what’s coming to her.

Look after yourself first, it sounds like that’s what she’s always done.

I wouldn’t have the balls to do this, but in my mind, if I were in your position, this is what I’d want to do...

Write to your mother and set out clearly that the £10k was a gift, that you clarified this both before and after the money was handed over. That the money was used for treatment and has already been spent. In essence the £10k is not longer there. I’d also reiterate how grateful you were for her support and kindness at that time. End of conversation about the £10k gift!

I’d then say that you understand that your mother is having financial difficulties and that you would be more than willing to help by sitting down and going through the financials with her and/or recommending your own financial advisor to her. I would suggest that you are not in a financial position to gift her any money to help with her current situation, but would be willing to provide an interest free loan to be repaid over x period of time. If this if of interest get and agreement drawn up!

Clearly this is the amazing idea I’d think up following me being a doormat. To be honest it all comes down to the relationship with your mother.

I’m not sure I would be repaying the gift, but if she is saying that she is struggling financially and needs bailing out, maybe find it it what she needs 10k for and see if you feel like giving her it.

It seems pretty straightforward to me.

When you needed money, your Mum helped you out.

Now the situation is reversed, your Mum needs money. You should help her out.

That's what families do for each other.

She needs help. She helped you. I’d give her it.

I would pay it back even if i had to eat beans on toast for a year, the relationship is damaged anyway :(