Am I the only one who thinks this assault is not ok

[BuffetTHEvampireSLAYER]

I am absolutely fuming.

DS 17 was on a night out and returned with a bruise on his face, when I questioned it he said he was messing around with his friends and he went to bed.

I have since had a phone call from his girlfriends mother who informed me that her daughter is pregnant and her husband punched my DS and she told me that he's lucky thats all he got

I woke DS up and he told me that everything's ok and I have to stay out of it.

I am obviously shocked if his gf is pregnant but i'm more worried about the assault that has occurred

What should I do

Some thoughts...

Your under 18 son has been hit by an over 18 in the face. This is violence. This should be reported or at the least photographed and documented by someone official e.g the GP/pharmacy if not police. This is important if it later turns out that the girlfriend's father is abusive further down the line. You need a timeline of events to help your son.

Your son and his girlfriend have had sex that resulted in conception. Both need support here, definitely the girlfriend more. Remember, her body her choice with regards to continuing pregnancy or not.

A related issue: if your son's girlfriend continues with the pregnancy, their child will be in presumably close contact with the girlfriend's dad? If person A hits person B once, there's no guarantee person A won't do it again to person B or another person including a child. On top, person A's wife condones person A's violence. What's to say person A's wife won't condone violence against the child? Is there going to be an emotionally toxic or physically violent 'family' environment going ahead for either or both your son and the future child?

A second related issue: if the pregnancy continues, what is the family dynamics between your son and his girlfriend's family going to be like?

And another issue: the poor girlfriend. Will she also be hit by her father? Her parents don't strike as sympathetic. She may need emotional support if her parents aren't providing this and are raging instead.

Bottom line: your son must have the attack on him reported for everyone's sake including his future child.

PissedOff I can't believe your advice is to deal with violence by threatening more violence in the future. This is not what you should do OP.

wiltingflower Have you noticed that the OPs son lied last night about what happened to the OP, and this morning has told her to keep out of it?

Perhaps you should go round and punch his girlfriend in the face, see how daddy likes that!
Not really but I wouldn't report to the police, would definitely be letting them know what thought of them though.
Getting pregnant takes 2, why is your son the one to be physically assaulted.

Wow, shocking thread.
I cannot imagine how awful it is for OP knowing her child has been assaulted.
He is 17 and is old enough to decide whether he wishes to prosecute or not. Take pictures as evidence in case he changes his mind. But, whatever he decides, as much as it may hurt you, you need to support his decisions. Give him information to make informed decisions but leave it to him to decide - or you may have probs with your relationship. He should not have been assaulted.

The pregnancy is a whole other issue. Again, not for you to get involved other than to provide support to your son and his GF in whatever they need and whatever decisions they make together. If her Dad has a history of violence you could offer safe place to stay.

abacucat who said anything about violence? Did i say punch him? Stab him? Kick him? No i did not. It is a turn of phrase, meaning that next time he lays a hand on OPs son it WILL be reported & he will likely get a criminal record. I'd suggest he would potentially lose a lot with a criminal record...

I do think you need to intervene whether your son wants you too or not.

Why? Because a man in a position of power (his girlfriends Dad) has already intervened. And punched him.

The fact that she is pregnant is the issue, and hugely life changing and important. However there is a power play that could also hang over them both, her Dad bringing it upon himself to hit your son, the potential father of his grandson.

I think you should document his bruises and seek advice from the police. Your son doesnt have to decide to prosecute yet, however as he’s still under 18 and an adult has assaulted him, I’d think it was my responsibility as a parent to log this officially. A line must be drawn here. The police may well be good at advising you too.

I wouldn’t escalate the situation by threatening or waving in their face the fact that you’ve logged this. However your son needs guidance here, he can’t deal with it on his own. I’d wait a day or so, get some advice yourself, then contact the Mum and see how the land lies. Be careful not to blame your son, or her daughter, say they’ve both done this, they’ll need our adult support, suggest counseling for both of them or some kind of meeting but only if they seem less volatile (and also get advice from police on meeting or contacting them).

Be calm, fair but very firm.

I'd report the thug straightaway. Or I would encourage my ds to. Otherwise he has got away with violence, and it won't be the last time.

What next? A Shotgun wedding? To avoid bringing 'shame' upon the family?

I’m always amazed at the double standards on MN. One minute everyone is bleating on about equality then there are posts like this when two, (over the age of consent) 17 year olds have sex, there’s a pregnancy and then suddenly all equality has vanished and it’s 100% the poor young lads fault. It takes two to tango and they are both responsible. HE did not get her pregnant alone ffs!!

"Like a pp said, I wouldn't report it. If the girlfriend keeps the baby you will be connected to this family far into the future. So it might be advisable not to give your possible co-grandparent a criminal record . Yes, the father shouldn't have done it but feelings were running high. I would try and talk to the family, but make it clear to the girl's dad that any further assaults WILL be reported.

The decision at to what to do about the pregnancy is completely the girl's, of course. If she keeps the baby your son will have to support his child, although probably not financially while he is still in education. If he was old enough to have sex he is old enough to face up to his responsibilities, with your help.

I also don't really like the way you are completely focused on the punch rather than the pregnancy."

This entire post by Pemba is everything I'd want to say.

One minute everyone is bleating on about equality...

I very much doubt the two groups of posters are the same.

Her DS is quite sensible realising it was a minor incident in the face of extreme shock and that police involvement in the situation would achieve nothing and make an already fraught situation worse...MN where people call 999 if someone looks at them a bit funny and log it as an incident with 101 if a neighbour says good morning to them.

Sorry, but in my world, punching someone in the face is NOT a minor incident. Kid on kid at school would go to the PRU, Teacher on kid = the sack, parent on kid=child abuse/assault, stranger on kid=child abuse/assault. There is NO excuse.

The good that it will do, reporting it to the police, is to send a clear signal that this is unacceptable and criminal behaviour.

Punching someone is very different to looking a someone 'a bit funny'. If you can't tell the difference you have been habituated to violence.

This whole 'if you report him & the pregnancy continues he will make future relationships difficult' is utter tripe. Basically, what you are all suggesting is that OP's son shrug off an assault to keep daddy dearest sweet. What happens in five years time when OPs son does something daddy-o doesn't like & clumps him again? Seriously I wonder about some people.

Afternooninthepark
I’m always amazed at the double standards on MN. One minute everyone is bleating on about equality then there are posts like this when two, (over the age of consent) 17 year olds have sex, there’s a pregnancy and then suddenly all equality has vanished and it’s 100% the poor young lads fault.

That's because the consequences of the unsafe sex are not the same. For the boy it's a bit of an upset, and hopefully the girl will 'get rid of it'. Worst comes to worst he has a financial commitment for the next eighteen years, which never amounts to half of what it costs to raise a child.

For the girl her education is banjaxed, or she has the trauma of an abortion. If she doesn't have a termination it impacts on the whole family, everyone trying to pull together to allow the young girl to carry on with whatever life plan she had that has now been thoroughly messed up.

This whole 'if you report him & the pregnancy continues he will make future relationships difficult' is utter tripe. Basically, what you are all suggesting is that OP's son shrug off an assault to keep daddy dearest sweet. What happens in five years time when OPs son does something daddy-o doesn't like & clumps him again? Seriously I wonder about some people.

Totally agree.

I'm shocked by this thread. It is never, ever, ever ok to throw a punch at someone. Nothing justifies it.

There has to be zero tolerance for this kind of thing, otherwise we're encouraging a violent society.

Juells that still isn't the boy's fault. It takes two to have sex. This was a joint mistake.

Lots of peopl saying the OP has only heard her sons side of the story.

Wrong.

The GFs mum rang the OP, admitted witnessing the assault and condoned it, even implying he was ‘lucky’ it wasn’t worse.

That’s a massive red flag.

The consequences are different for the boy and girl, but neither is more to "blame" than the other.

Neither has less right than the other not to be punched.
The girl shouldn't be punched

• and she may be if her father disagrees with her decision about abortion.

Report to protect the boy and the girl, as well as the potential baby
We don't know if flags have been raised before about this family

• at least it's a headsup for SS if there is another assault in the future

Also, isn't the boy going to school tomorrow ?
Surely a teacher is going to ask about the bruise if he has a black eye that would of course look like DV

Make sure he doesn't lie to the school and that you don't cover it up either
Hence best to report to the police and explain to the son why.

i would be interested to know the sons attitude when finding out he was to be a father? if he was blase, unconcerned etc then maybe the gfs father lost the plot? after all, he and his wife are the people who will actually be left holding the baby! paying for it, housing it, etc etc, this could be putting them into a terrible situation - personally, if he was my son i would be more concerned at how the son is going to support this family he has helped create!

This is all so over-the-top that I can't deal with it.

Agreed... Punching can’t be condoned, but to suggest a one-off punch is a safeguarding issue that will mean the gf and baby will have to live apart from parents is taking things to extreme... There appears to be total lack of perspective amongst some posters.

It is a safeguarding issue. An adult hitting a minor is the definition of a safeguarding issue.

As pp said, what if anything will be done with a report depends on the background and bigger picture. Still needs reporting.

It's a tricky one.

The assault on your son is not OK, nor is the fact your son lied to you regards what really happened. Would he even have told you he had got his GF pregnant? It points to me that he's trying to avoid the issue here.

Whilst ordinarily I would say straight away Police need to be involved. However, if the gf decides to go ahead with the pregnancy- and she may already have done so and thus have a Midwife- any Police action between the families would be red flagged. There would no doubt be a social services investigation and your grandchild would be seen as at risk.

I would offer the gf a place to stay in case that happens. She needs support and clearly her Dad is a violent arse who I wouldn't want around my grandchild.

Juells - what tripe. The boy is also in it for life - he too is trapped but in a different way - many of his choices will have to be made after the gf has made hers. It ruined my brother - he couldn't cope with the mother of his child (who'd deliberately got pregnant) playing games and ended his own life.
It has a huge impact on everyone not just the gf. and any parent who thinks they can justify punching someone else is so so wrong.

Agreed... Punching can’t be condoned, but to suggest a one-off punch is a safeguarding issue that will mean the gf and baby will have to live apart from parents is taking things to extreme... There appears to be total lack of perspective amongst some posters.

1. Nobody knows if it's a one-off punch or not. It's one instance of a punch, which isn't the same thing

2. The girl's mother's attitude was not to say 'sorry your son was punched' but instead seemed to think he was lucky it was only that - which suggests both parents of the girl condone violence.

3. How many punches would it take to warrant it being a concern? 1, 2, 3?

thebabes
i would be interested to know the sons attitude when finding out he was to be a father? if he was blase, unconcerned etc then maybe the gfs father lost the plot? after all, he and his wife are the people who will actually be left holding the baby! paying for it, housing it, etc etc, this could be putting them into a terrible situation

I wondered this too. Very few people will suddenly punch someone else out of the blue, with no provocation. Teenagers and their arsey attitudes can drive the most reasonable person to extremes.

I can imagine that if one of my teenage DDs had become pregnant I'd be focused on supporting her through the difficulty and upset, worrying about her future, so my anger might be directed outward at another target.

Ah well, we'll never know the truth of what happened.