Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the only one who thinks this assault is not ok

419 replies

BuffetTHEvampireSLAYER · 06/01/2019 01:23

I am absolutely fuming.

DS 17 was on a night out and returned with a bruise on his face, when I questioned it he said he was messing around with his friends and he went to bed.

I have since had a phone call from his girlfriends mother who informed me that her daughter is pregnant and her husband punched my DS and she told me that he's lucky thats all he got

I woke DS up and he told me that everything's ok and I have to stay out of it.

I am obviously shocked if his gf is pregnant but i'm more worried about the assault that has occurred

What should I do Sad

OP posts:
ThisHasReallyPIssedMeOff · 06/01/2019 11:31

EdtheBear Exactly.

abacucat But no one here knows what the background is here. No one knows. No one knows whether he has a list of offences as long as his arm or whether this is the first time he's ever laid a finger on anyone and now bitterly regrets it.

No one knows.

Which is why individuals don't make decisions about the risk an idvidual poses and they pass information on so that those who do know can make the appropriate deicisions.

x2boys · 06/01/2019 11:31

you don't know that at all Ed ,the assault is very wrong and it's up to the Op and her son if they report ,but that doesn't mean the dad s daughter and wife are terrified of him

abacucat · 06/01/2019 11:32

And actually since the son lied to the OP about what happened, I would think a priority for the OP is to build a relationship with her son where he will actually confide in her.

ThisHasReallyPIssedMeOff · 06/01/2019 11:32

But either way, and safeguarding aside, this man assaulted someone and that isn't ok.

mumsastudent · 06/01/2019 11:32

umm excuse me but I think your son needs to be taken to a & e - they need to check that he hasn't broken any bones in face or damaged eye or eye socket - they will photo damage & if you want to prosecute you will have registered evidence - after all you cant definitely see if any damage is done

Aragog · 06/01/2019 11:33

A reactive punch in a difficult and upsetting and shocking situation from the father, does not make him a 'violent' man

Anyone who reacts with a bunch is a violent person.
A non violent person would not treat by punching somebody, let alone a 17y teenager.

Yes, I can understand shock, disappointment, worry, stress, even being angry - but the vast majority of normal people would not lash out like this.

Would you be so happy saying that is the father had decided to also punch the girl in the face for her part in this? She is, after all, equally responsible. Or if the OP had punched the girl in the face for her part in this? Because both would be exactly the same scenario!

Tinkerbell89 · 06/01/2019 11:34

Assault is assault I would report to police incase anything further takes place then there's a log of what has already occurred and I think he's still a minor in their eyes So could be taken seriously.

Also they're both responsible for their actions he isn't only to blame.

ThisHasReallyPIssedMeOff · 06/01/2019 11:34

And if it went to the police and it was revealed that the man hit his daughter's 17 year old boyfriend because she was pregnant then a safeguarding alert may well be raised with regards to the unborn baby.

And, if it did, any outcome of that would depend on the history of the family and any previous involvement.

MorningsEleven · 06/01/2019 11:34

I woke DS up and he told me that everything's ok and I have to stay out of it

Maybe do that then.

mum11970 · 06/01/2019 11:35

I can’t believe anyone could even try and justify this man punching anyone, never mind a 17 year old lad! He needs to be reported to the police, there are NO excuses, it is NOT acceptable under any circumstances.
As for the pregnancy, there is very little the OP can do at the moment other than be a shoulder for her son and help him support his gf in what ever decision she makes. The ball is firmly in the gf’s court and only she can decide whether to continue this pregnancy or not.

abacucat · 06/01/2019 11:35

Are people ignoring that the OP's son lied to her about what happened? What do you think will happen if the OP goes to the police to report this?

OwlinaTree · 06/01/2019 11:35

I wouldn't call the police. Your son is unlikely to want to press charges. It will just create even more problems between son and gf.

Of course the father shouldn't have punched him.

x2boys · 06/01/2019 11:39

Why did the son lie though,maybe because he feels he can't confide in his mum, or maybe because he has just found out his girlfriend is pregnant and has been thumped by her dad and didn't want another confrontation when he got home who knows ?

thecatfromjapan · 06/01/2019 11:39

As previous posters have said, there's a real issue with him being involved with a family in which adults think it's OK to be violent to children, and to resolve complex situations with violence.

I'd be focusing on that.

And, as a reality check: dealing with an unexpected pregnancy by punching a 17 year old?

That's off-the-scale dysfunctional.

EdtheBear · 06/01/2019 11:39

The op needs to encourage him to report it.

If it was a one of moment of madness the father will be waking up thinking 'I shouldn't have done that!' and be trying to apologise.
He'd get of with a caution and understand why it was reported.

If he's a record of violence then he could be a risk to the child.
The only way he'll change is with the weight of the law. More likely be removed from the situation but outcome at least means a safe home for the child.

masterandmargarita · 06/01/2019 11:40

If my dh did this I'd want to call the police myself

Lkbbdg · 06/01/2019 11:40

Assault is never ok.

Augusta2012 · 06/01/2019 11:40

This thread is the gift that keeps on giving.

This man is a ‘thug’ who could have ‘easily killed’ the DS and posters have jumped from a minor altercation after a big shock as though it is a major history of violence against vulnerable people.

OPs son is 17 and if he wanted to he could probably have defended himself perfectly well against a man of 40.

Her DS is quite sensible realising it was a minor incident in the face of extreme shock and that police involvement in the situation would achieve nothing and make an already fraught situation worse.

But then that’s a sensible, realist and pragmatic response and those are rare as hens teeth on MN where people call 999 if someone looks at them a bit funny and log it as an incident with 101 if a neighbour says good morning to them.

abacucat · 06/01/2019 11:40

OP's son lied to her about what happened. That will have been for a reason. OP needs to understand that reason first.

abacucat · 06/01/2019 11:42

And the reason may be that like some of the posters on here, he knows that his mum will do what she thinks is best, over riding what he wants to do.

BertrandRussell · 06/01/2019 11:43

There are two completely separate issues here. Of course the man shouldn’t have hit the OP’s son. It is up to him how, or if, he takes this further.

The pregnancy is something that needs to be talked about as a matter of urgency. It is a time critical situation.

goldengummybear · 06/01/2019 11:48

I think OP should not do anything without talking to her son and allow him a sleep or two to mull things over. Photograph his face just in case.

Pros of reporting - he'll hopefully not be assaulted again. Police can check on gf's safety. If his job relies on a DBS he'd rightly get into trouble.

Cons of reporting - Gf may dump him under duress from parents. He may not be able to contact gf so won't know what she's decided to do. If she keeps baby there would be nobody to inform him about baby. The legal case for child contact would be nastier and as she's dependent on parents they could move out of the area. Would gf and mum lie for the Dad? If they say it didn't happen how would ds prove that it did?

I'm relieved to see some later posters to mention that "he got her pregnant" is misogynistic language to use and smacks of a rape rather than consensual act.

Amaried · 06/01/2019 11:50

Honestly I'm not sure there is anything to be gained by looking to press charges against this man. Ye are going to need to work through this together especially if she decides to keep the baby.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/01/2019 11:50

BuffetTHEvampireSLAYER

You could report to the police without your Ds's knowl;edge they could come round take pictures and prosecute with out a statement from your Ds, depending upon the follow up investigation.

Some thoughts following that

You may discover that getting his GF pregnant isn't the only reason why he got hit. (violence is still not an acceptable response)

You could be getting the GF into more issues with her father if he has form for this

You could be the reason that the Mother and daughter need to break from an abusive man.

You could be setting off a series of events from an abusive family towards their daughter.

You could be preventing your Ds from ever seeing his child again. (whilst still paying towards his child)

It could be instrumental in both children leaving home and having a relationship with her family and not yours because you reported them.

OR it could work out just fine with apologies all round and the father taking whatever punishment the police decide.

As for sorting out an abortion with the GF's mother, the only person that has that choice is the GF.

Willow2017 · 06/01/2019 11:56

Are people ignoring that the OP's son lied to her about what happened? What do you think will happen if the OP goes to the police to report this?

Maybe because he just got home after being assaulted by his gfs father and threatened with worse?

Maybe he just didnt want to go over it all there and then?
Fgs police arent going to quibble over that. If they chose to go to police all they are interested in is the facts of the assault.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.