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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To charge my sister for childcare?

204 replies

ThatThingYouDo · 05/01/2019 23:54

Really after some advice and different points of view on this.

My sister has told me she is pregnant. I currently work from home part time in a job that is very flexible and fits around looking after my own children.

My sister would want to go back to work full time after the maternity leave. We previously discussed me possibly looking after any potential future children due to my work flexibility, but no actual in depth details were ever really discussed.

I would feel so awkward taking money from my sister for childcare, to look after my niece or nephew. She is an amazing sister and is so supportive and wonderful to me, and I love her very much.

I would be looking after the baby 7 hours a day Monday to Friday for the next 5 years.

Is this madness?!

OP posts:

Worsethingshappen · 07/01/2019 19:12

I too think you sound like a well balanced, unselfish, caring human being and wonderful sister. Well done. It sounds like you have a great relationship going with your sister and your husband. I hope your daughters surgery goes well.
Don’t listen to the negative comments - some just sound like they are bitter and unhappy - perhaps jealous of what you’ve got.

MakeItAmazing · 07/01/2019 19:13

Some people really need to work on their reading skills.

KingIrving · 07/01/2019 19:14

Family is important so I totally understand your wish to help your sister, especially when she was there for you.
A newborn or a baby is a lot of work and sometimes when we have older children, we forget how demanding they are. Some are happy to sleep all day, others need to be held all day.
To avoid resentment and bad feeling in every way - so the guilt for not helping or the loss of your freedom - offering two days is a good compromise. You don't want to risk your relationship.

You will need to fine tune the details. What happens when it is time to pick up your DC from school or drive them to activities. In my experience, babies always fall asleep two minutes before you need to leave the house .

I would help my sister in your shoes. IT will also give you an incredible bond with your sister's child

Pashal2 · 07/01/2019 19:30

Her sister IS her family, isn't she?

mlrmummy1 · 07/01/2019 19:32

What a lovely thing to offer, however, I can see this end badly. What if you are ill, fancy a holiday, do something she doesn’t like, Will it affect your relationship? Will she be resentful of the time you spend with her child, will she be able to take holiday when you want time off? How awkward will it be with your niece/nephew at family events when they are used to you 5 days of the week? All sounds messy.

StarB3 · 07/01/2019 19:41

That's madness! Way too big a commitment to make. A couple days maybe but 7 hours at 5 days a week for 5 years. You don't know how your life or anything may change in that time. If you were to agree to do it then she should definitley pay you something. Could she do a couple days at nursery and a couple with you? My mum helps with child care as I work part time but I'd never ask or expect her to give up every week day. That's just too much, especially as you have your own family and work as well

Betty777 · 07/01/2019 19:42

I realise you've already had this answered but I have to ask - when she and her partner are in a better position financially in 5 years time because your sister has been back at work full-time for four/five years, could she give you a lump sum back?
Even if the answer is yes, it is very very likely to damage your close relationship with your sister - bad idea. Please offer to help but not in the form of more than one day/week, otherwise you'll be doing too much parenting of your niece/nephew

Boobsarenotloadbearing · 07/01/2019 19:51

Please also consider, it's one thing fitting your work around your children but if you are looking after a young child 7 hours a day to fit in your part time work you will either end up having to work around 12 hours a day (child care and work) or you will need to be working and childminding. I don't know if you have tried to work from home with child (and to a degree what you do for work can have an impact) but trying to work from home and look after a child is not an easy thing to do and often they are not compatible no matter how flexible your job. You may be in the middle of something key and a nappy must be changed NOW just as an example.

I also think as others have said taking no money for it will not work as you will be working 2 jobs for very little and at the child's beck and call and unable to really focus on either. I have seen people try and really struggle as it sounds ok on paper but in practice it does not work well (there may be some exceptions depending on the WFH job but I have yet to see one!).

It's very kind of you but please think this through very carefully and think about your needs too.

ApproachingATunnel · 07/01/2019 20:00

So the plan is that you will look after you kids and crawling baby whilst she goes to work and carries on undisturbed? It’s maddness.
How old are your kids. I would just tell a white lie and not do this. It’s unworkable and you know it.

dustarr73 · 07/01/2019 20:05

Plus i think you are underestimating the amount of peace you have when your kids are in school.

I minded a baby from 9 till 1 5 days a week.The mother never took the piss.Paid me on time.But i just missed my freedom.Plus think the amount of work you could get done while your own are in school.

notdaddycool · 07/01/2019 20:10

I might offer a day a week and be very clear it’s got a year and not to expect more than that. You can review it and extend much more easily than cutting it back. SIL looked after ours a couple of days a week but lived with us and paid no rent, her work was flexible but there’s a limit to when being a CF kicks in, even if you love them lots.

Pernickity1 · 07/01/2019 20:20

Why on earth do people always go on about registering as a childminder/insurance on these posts? I find it hard to believe anyone is that straight laced?! Who the hell does such things when looking after the children of family? Nobody that’s who.

YankeeDad · 07/01/2019 20:20

It sounds as though you come from a really nice family where people help each other out and consider one another's needs.

I would also echo the broad sentiment that you have every right to look after your own needs and wishes, and don't offer so much free help that you start to get taken for granted.

cheval · 07/01/2019 20:28

From your sister’s point of view, I wouldn’t want to do it. She’d always be beholden to you, possibly unable to say how she wants childcare handled. Much better if she enters into a properly run, paid for arrangement with you or someone else.
As for you, do you want a career as a childminder or what you’re currently doing? Think you’ll be entering muddy waters for all concerned if you do it ad hoc and for free.

Palaver1 · 07/01/2019 21:25

Your relationship will suffer.
You could commit too 2 days max

My mum would fly down.to take care of my children when little i.made sure we gave her 150 for the five day in the week she hated it i insisted as i wasnt letting the father get away with not paying anything
That was a lot of money when changed into her currency
Its to.much to expect you to do but you are a lovely sis

PrincessConsuelaBanana · 07/01/2019 21:30

My sister offered the same to me when I had my first DC - she had 3 kids, 2 at school, and she didn’t work. It would never even have crossed my mind to ask but she offered, and she offered to do it for free. I didn’t feel comfortable her doing full time or doing it for free, but I very gratefully accepted 2 days a week for a payment (half of the nursery rates so saved us a decent amount of money!) it seemed to be going well then 2 months in my sister messaged me one night saying it was causing her a huge amount of stress, and she was sorry but couldn’t do it anymore. She said she’d look after my DC the two days she normally would do in the upcoming week to give us time to get him into a nursery but she couldn’t do it after that. I felt so guilty about it and it also put me in an AWFUL position. Trying to find a nursery with space that we were happy with, and then letting our DC have enough settling in sessions for him and us to be happy leaving him there 2 days a week, all in a WEEK?! It was very very stressful and I was very upset with my sister for putting us in that position. I wish she’d never offered. I didn’t let it affect our relationship and didn’t tell her exactly how difficult it was to sort childcare out, I thanked her for looking after my child so well and told her I totally understood (I did really, just wish she’d given us more time...!)

My (rambling...!) point is - don’t do this unless you’re completely sure you want to. It would be easier and less stressful for your sister to sort out alternative arrangements now than two months down the line at sort notice. And if you do go ahead, please make sure you give your sister PLENTY of notice if you decide that this arrangement isn’t working for you at any point.

It is a lovely lovely thing you are offering to do

caringcarer · 07/01/2019 21:43

I love my sisters very much and we are very close. I would tell my sister I would have my dn/n 2 days every week but would have child in an emergency also. That way she could pay for childcare for 3 days each week. 5 days is an enormous commitment especially as until child gets free 30 hours childcare at 3.

Ethel36 · 07/01/2019 21:44

It sounds like you and your sister have a lovely relationship. I think offering 1/2 days a week is okay, but if it gets too much then let her know.

anniehm · 07/01/2019 21:46

Offering 1-2 days a week would be a wonderful thing to do, but I would advise against more because of how restrictive it would be - you would also be there for her for emergencies eg her child is sick which is useful anyway. I would suggest you limit your initial offer for the first few months - caring for a toddler is very different to a baby and a toddlers needs are met quite well by nurseries (however babies I'm not convinced should be in a commercial nursery with random carers, just my opinion)

Larrythecat · 07/01/2019 21:56

I echo the opinions of many PP here and also your own updates. In your position, I'd suggest that she finds a nursery or childminder who offer extra hours/days if available on request. That way, you can complement each other if the baby is ill (you can look after him/her at home) or you want to take a holiday (she could book him/her with enough notice?). Then she would only have to take time off in rare events.

Full time is going to bring a lot of restrictions and potential problems: interviews or meetings for your job, hair appointments, different half term holidays between your sister and your children if at different schools / LAs, taking a holiday with your DH, having your children ill at home with a baby who needs constant attention (maybe!), baby might be colicky or have difficulties feeding (so 7h/5 days would be exhausting), etc. My first didn't have more than 50 min naps and I couldn't do any work whatsoever as I was so knackered. Anyway, you have thought about this as well, just putting it out there as a reminder!

Gth1234 · 07/01/2019 22:36

It's a hell of a commitment for no recompense. I wouldn't.

Captainj1 · 07/01/2019 23:41

My sister looks after my kids 3 long days a week in term time (one child is pre school) and 4 long days a week in the school holidays. But she is treated as my nanny, she is employed by me, all above board and taxed, pensionable etc and I pay her an above-market rate because she is forgoing other employment to work for me and because she is amazing at the job and she loves my kids unconditionally. She has no childcare qualifications but nannies don’t actually need any. I would no way ask her to do this for free...!

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 08/01/2019 00:16

No I wouldn’t do it. I would offer to help out on an ad hoc basis but I don’t think you should commit to this.

aariah08 · 08/01/2019 00:31

😂

aariah08 · 08/01/2019 00:38

Okay, so I’m new at this. I thought I was replying personally to the person who said ‘they wouldn’t even make that commitment for their own child’ Sorry. I’m what my ten year old daughter would call a ‘noob’

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