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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge my sister for childcare?

204 replies

ThatThingYouDo · 05/01/2019 23:54

Really after some advice and different points of view on this.

My sister has told me she is pregnant. I currently work from home part time in a job that is very flexible and fits around looking after my own children.

My sister would want to go back to work full time after the maternity leave. We previously discussed me possibly looking after any potential future children due to my work flexibility, but no actual in depth details were ever really discussed.

I would feel so awkward taking money from my sister for childcare, to look after my niece or nephew. She is an amazing sister and is so supportive and wonderful to me, and I love her very much.

I would be looking after the baby 7 hours a day Monday to Friday for the next 5 years.

Is this madness?!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatThingYouDo · 06/01/2019 00:05

Really glad I posted on here. I sometimes have a habit of trying to hard to help and please other people, and I think that's to clouded my judgement a bit. There could be a middle ground of 2 days a week. Something to discuss with her.

OP posts:
StarUtopia · 06/01/2019 00:05

Seriously???!!

You must be insane.

Bananalanacake · 06/01/2019 00:05

How long is her maternity leave. A year? Is she planning on breastfeeding. I have an 18 months old and barely any time to clean the house. I only unload the dishwasher and hang out the washing every day. I don't know how you could work at the same time.

Nicknacky · 06/01/2019 00:06

Even 2 days is a lot. Don’t do it.

Storybarn · 06/01/2019 00:11

Read all the threads on here about the relationship breakdowns between family members about childcare. Keep your relationship with your sister separate and encourage her to use a professional childminder. She would essentially become your employer & would you be able to separate your business relationship from your personal?

Build up your career and your hours independently without using your sister to supplement your income.

ID81241 · 06/01/2019 00:13

How many hours a week do you work @ThatThingYouDo? I would start from there. Say you wfh the equivalent of 3 days part time, that gives you 2 days to play with. I would then leave at least 1 day of that free time as out of bounds (so you have one on one time with your own DC, and so you also can have a break if you need to)...that then leaves one day to offer your DSis for childcare.

Personally, I wouldn't commit more than 1 day regardless. You also need to hash out what happens if you want to go away on holiday/ take a break. You don't want to feel stuck or have your freedom taken away... right now your set up works because of the flexibility it gives your family. Any set regular childcare for your sister will take away that flexibility, even if it's only 1 day a week- are you willing to give that up?

EmeraldShamrock · 06/01/2019 00:17

Yes ofcourse you should discuss a few and as you describe your sister as lovely, I am sure she couldn't expect cc for free it is hard work.
But I must warn you from my own experience the baby will be her pfb so be prepared as familiarity breeds contempt. My younger Dsis was a nightmare when I help her out for free for a few weeks.
As it was free I was able to end it quickly. Wink

Original poster
ThatThingYouDo · 06/01/2019 00:17

Thanks for the really excellent advice, I've realised that I was being unrealistic and too eager to help (she really does mean so much to me).

I'll have a proper discussion with her and work out a way that I can help her in some way, whilst keeping my job and some freedom too.

OP posts:
MarchInHappiness · 06/01/2019 00:18

Omg OP you must have been mad to consider this!

I was a SAHM for two years (with three children of my own) and I use to look after my niece for two days per week for nothing whilst my sister worked, even that was a struggle.

There were a few disagreements on how I should look after her child, my two dc got D&V or chickenpox that totally threw her plans out the window.

It was really difficult for me, I had two young children of my own at home all day and add in her daughter, it was mayhem trying to keep them entertained etc plus I had to do school run with three young children to pick up my eldest.

After 12 months, I had to stop this arrangement before my resentment got any worse or the relationship with my sister was wrecked. I still looked after her semi regularly, the odd Friday etc.

Butchyrestingface · 06/01/2019 00:19

We previously discussed me possibly looking after any potential future children due to my work flexibility, but no actual in depth details were ever really discussed.

Did you get a sense from your sister that she expected you to do it for free?

Original poster
ThatThingYouDo · 06/01/2019 00:20

To answer a few questions....

My children are 4 and 9 so both would be at school during these hours.

I don't have any set hours. I have my own business and I work as much as I need to to supplement my husbands full time wage. My husband earns enough for us to live well, so my money is for extras and savings.

OP posts:
Marmie4 · 06/01/2019 00:21

I looked after my sisters children, very different scenario. I registered as a childminder and she paid me as her childcare provider. She was very good, helped with grocery buying, never any issues with money. It worked because I was gaining monetary wise and my DS and I got and have kept a really close bond with her DC. It can definitely work but only if you want to do it professionally.

whatsthepointthen · 06/01/2019 00:21

Wow wish you were my sister, my sister hasnt had my 20
month old once.

alittlepieceofme · 06/01/2019 00:22

You need to register as a childminder because you will be paid! My sister and I looked into it!

Original poster
ThatThingYouDo · 06/01/2019 00:22

ButchyRestingFace She said she would rather pay me than a nursery, I don't think she would ever expect it for free. But I wouldn't feel comfortable charging.

OP posts:
rosablue · 06/01/2019 00:23

Also - what happens if your child is ill? Or hers? Bit of a snotty cold? Probably ok. Chicken pox? Norovirus? Definitely not. Nasty cold cold when you know your family have a holiday booked or jabs or exams... you say no because you don’t want to jeopardise your plans, sis had big day at work and drops off anyway or gets in a snit...

Sis takes holidays out of term time but you need to take in term time as your dc are older so at school - and sis gets upset as she hasn’t got leave to look after them... you have a work emergency at short notice so can’t be as flexible for a couple of days - what happens? You go to a regular class for your dc - should you pay for dn? What if sis wants to go to something that you then have to pay for your dc to go and they don’t like it but dn loves it?

There will be lots of scenarios like this where you have conflicting requirements - need to work them all through to check you’re on the same page and can agree the same priorities.

Maybe offer emergency or back up childcare rather than being the regular cater? Lots of dc have lots of bugs when they start nursery so you still might end up helping quite a bit!

KC225 · 06/01/2019 00:24

Don't ruin your relationship with your sister. Be an emergency contact and enjoy being a wonderful Aunty

Butchyrestingface · 06/01/2019 00:24

ButchyRestingFace She said she would rather pay me than a nursery, I don't think she would ever expect it for free.

Okay, well that's not so bad.

But I wouldn't feel comfortable charging.

Now, that is so bad. Grin

SluggishSnail · 06/01/2019 00:25

It won't be just 7 hours though, if you are looking after the baby to cover a FT job. It will be before the commute, a FT day (7.5 h would be normal) then the journey home. It could be 9 hours or more.
I honestly wouldn't. Or maybe offer 1 or 2 days a week if you feel keen to do it.

Original poster
ThatThingYouDo · 06/01/2019 00:28

Bloody hell, I am mad aren't I? 😂 Thank God for Mumsnet. I think if I sit down with her we could work out something that suits us both. Probably not 5 days a week though!

OP posts:
Deadringer · 06/01/2019 00:31

I gave up my job to mind my sister's baby full time, she paid me the going rate and it worked out great. If you want to do it you can make it work, but you really need to be upfront about money.

DrWhy · 06/01/2019 00:32

You need to talk to her about this ASAP. I totally see why people are telling you not to do it, it sounds a nightmare. However in your OP you seem to suggest that there was an understanding that you’d look after her children if she had any. She may have got pregnant believing you were genuinely keen to do this and finding out your aren’t might make things much more difficult than she expected.

Silkei · 06/01/2019 00:33

You can’t offer free childcare on a regular basis. You’re putting yourself out so someone else can earn a nice chunk of cash! Obviously grandparents often do it for free to help out their own kids. But sisters don’t usually subsidise each other.

Original poster
ThatThingYouDo · 06/01/2019 00:36

DrWhy

The baby has always been planned. The mention of childcare was always a casual 'I'll help you out in the future'. Definitely no expectations on her part. Both our careers have constantly changed and evolved over the last few years so there was never a set in stone expectation of me to look after any child full time.

OP posts:
TheBigBangRocks · 06/01/2019 00:36

I wouldn't do it full time. I'd do emergency care as and when needed.

You might not be working much now as your husband is the breadwinner but that might not always be the case. Nothing in life is guaranteed and you may need to up your business or go back to work at short notice.

Presumably your sister factored in the cost of full time care before planning a child.