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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge my sister for childcare?

204 replies

ThatThingYouDo · 05/01/2019 23:54

Really after some advice and different points of view on this.

My sister has told me she is pregnant. I currently work from home part time in a job that is very flexible and fits around looking after my own children.

My sister would want to go back to work full time after the maternity leave. We previously discussed me possibly looking after any potential future children due to my work flexibility, but no actual in depth details were ever really discussed.

I would feel so awkward taking money from my sister for childcare, to look after my niece or nephew. She is an amazing sister and is so supportive and wonderful to me, and I love her very much.

I would be looking after the baby 7 hours a day Monday to Friday for the next 5 years.

Is this madness?!

OP posts:
MrsWillGardner · 06/01/2019 16:46

@userschmoozer

If you only care for a child or children aged under eight who you are related to, you do not need to register.

RandomMess · 06/01/2019 16:56

2 full days is a great compromise it's something you can fully commit to and potentially help out more if DN is too unwell for nursery. You can still have that "Aunty" rather than main carer role too Smile

Holidayshopping · 06/01/2019 17:06

NurseButtercup Thank you very much. I imagine if I'm ill or my children are ill, it would be the same as if the baby were in childcare

That’s the advantage of a nursery, I guess -if a nursery worker is ill, the nursery doesn’t close.

Loopytiles · 06/01/2019 17:14

I think it’d be detrimental to your own finances and family life.

Your sister stepping in when one of her DNs was ill was great, but that was an emergency, and MUCH less than what she and her partner are asking of you.

As for “family is important” - well, yes, but is providing childcare for extended family more important than your nuclear family’s interests?

It doesn’t sound like you have thought through your options, taking into account the medium and long term financial implications (eg pension). A paid job and/or business would be far better.

If you do it and register as a CM (which would cost money, eg to comply with the standards/ requirements) she should pay you properly.

Namenic · 06/01/2019 17:23

OP - you sound like you have a wonderful relationship with your husband and sister. It’s great when family can pitch in and help out and reciprocate.

I would just say that maybe you should talk to your sister about things early (before any problems arise). Tell her about your long-term plans (eg might want to increase your business hours). Say that you are not planning on it currently and you would give her as much notice as you can if you were thinking about it (so that you don’t leave her in the lurch). You can also say that you really appreciate all the help she has done with childcare for you.

I think good communication is the key to this working properly without resentment building. Ask for a few trial days before she actually has to start work so that you can know how much work is involved. If you find certain things hard, let her know how you are getting on so you don’t get frustrated plodding on in silence. She may be able to advise on strategies that work with her child and at least she would know issues early.

Good luck! Hope you and your kids will enjoy getting to know the baby too!

EdtheBear · 06/01/2019 18:48

Op just a thought for you, how would you feel about setting up as a Childminder so looking after other children as well as your sisters?
I don't know how this would work with ratios. But if you enjoy looking after LOs and are seriously considering doing 5 days you might as well make it worth your while.

I don't know what the demand would be for term time only care but I imagine there must be a reasonable demand for it.

wizzywig · 06/01/2019 18:50

As far as i know, you couldnt be an ofsted registered nanny for her as the baby is a relative.

Heatherjayne1972 · 06/01/2019 18:56

That’s such a tie. What about if you’re ill or want to go on holidays

Part time maybe you could help out Maybe she pays for the child’s food nappies etc.

Don’t forget you’ll be using more water and other utilities - why should you pay extra if she’s not contributing
Don’t forget You’ll have to buy in things to entertain the child colouring books playdoh toys paints and other things

And all while she’s getting free childcare from you

I wouldn’t

canadianbanana · 07/01/2019 17:32

I did home childcare for years and it is an area fraught with possible difficulties. What happens when your own children are ill? What happens when you need a break? What happens when your child rearing attitudes differ? Who pays for the supplies -- food, nappies, broken toys? I would be VERY hesitant to provide childcare for nieces or nephews for pay, let alone for free. Too many possible problems that could spell disaster for your relationship with your sister.

Fabulousdahlink · 07/01/2019 17:39

Discounting the very valid points made already. Having her child full time means a super close bond between you and the child as main caregiver in the awake hours of the childs early life- first tooth, first crawl, first word. Whilst that is wonderful...it may cause resentment when child calls out for you in moments of joy or sadness and not mum. It really isnt a good idea. I'm not saying the child will confuse you for mum...but early bonding would be very strong with you..and hard to give up. What happens to your children in the mean time ? How do they feel? How does your partner feel about another tiny person in your home? What if it's triplets or a child with a significant medical or learning need needing all of your care and attention all of the time plus ? There are a lot of other people who are partners to this discussion before you have the discussion with your sister I'd have thought.

Mookatron · 07/01/2019 17:51

Sorry, I haven't read all the posts. I paid my sister to look after my DD 2 days a week for a while when some other childcare fell through. It was only ever a temporary arrangement. I paid her because I didn't want to feel like I owed her a favour for the next million years plus I love her and didn't want her to feel like my slave. It worked fine for a limited time. Certainly great for DD to be with someone who loved her, but the dynamics of being employer/employee (effectively) wouldn't work long term.

You don't have to register to look after family paid or unpaid by the way.

Icanttakemuchmore · 07/01/2019 18:01

Doesn't need to be a registered childminder or have insurance, she is a relative.

3timeslucky · 07/01/2019 18:01

If you wanted to look after a baby full-time (and either give up your job or spend your evenings doing it) you'd have done that already. The fact that this baby is a niece or nephew doesn't make it any different a job.

I wouldn't do it at all in your situation, but I absolutely wouldn't become a childminder for free for anyone. And as others have said, how many children might she have. Five years can feel like an eternity but you don't even know it would stop at five.

EastCoastDamsel · 07/01/2019 18:02

Don't do it! Not even paid.

It has the potential to totally ruin your relationship. You are siblings, and the dynamic, if you start looking after her DC(s) would change to that of service provider and customer. You would just not be paid for it.

You are not trained/registered/insured and will not be compensated in anyway for minding her DC. You could end up resenting her career progression while you look after her child, while she could end up resenting the fact that you are there for the big milestones.

And unlike a child minder neither of you would be able to end the arrangement without experiencing some guilt/backlash.

Just don't do it.

Bozlem80 · 07/01/2019 18:05

I look after my granddaughter 2-3 days a week whilst my DD goes to work, she has offered to pay but I don’t want the money I love spending time with my granddaughter, my daughter does sometimes buy me wine or chocolates so that’s nice, I couldn’t look after my granddaughter 5 days a week though been there done that!

ThanksForAllTheFish · 07/01/2019 18:14

5 days a week is a bit much for anyone to watch someone else’s chid (unless it’s thier actual job). I would suggest a couple of days a week if you want to be nice and help out but 5 days a week for 5 years is a very big commitment, especially if you do need to still work from home. Who knows how you business will grow over the next 5 years. You might get opportunities arise that would require you to do more hours etc and that would be hindered having a baby/ toddler to look after all day.

When I had my DD my dear auntie had not long taken early retirement (due to redundancy) and offered to watch my DD 5 days a week when I needed to go back to work. I didn’t think it was a good idea as it was a lot for her to commit to. In the end she had her 2 days, my mum had her 1 day and she went to nursery the other 2 days. I know she would happily have watched her the 5 days for me but I really would have felt I was taking advantage if I had accepted her offer.

user1467536289 · 07/01/2019 18:22

I was a registered childminder, and I know grandparents that registered so that they could be carers for their grandchildren on a paid basis. It means you all know your responsibilities to the child/ren. There is also a lot of training and record keeping that needs to be done - in fact the only people that don't have to monitor/record progress of children are the parents!! You couldn't do this for 5 days a week, unpaid, and be able to devote any real time to your job - you can integrate your niece/nephew into the things you do with your own children, but you do have to take qualifications and be inspected by OFSTED. Also, if your sister qualifies for childcare vouchers from her employment, you need to have an OFSTED registration to qualify to receive these as payment/part payments for your sister's eligibility. It is very complicated if you don't want to be a childminder, but it's a minefield if you go ahead and do it without the full registration. It's a difficult one for you to think about - we've all said "Oh, I'll look after your baby when you have one - I'm already at home" but it just isn't that simple! Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Gbtch · 07/01/2019 18:28

Don’t do it.

StrongTea · 07/01/2019 18:30

Probably been mentioned but would you be able to get another car seat in your car?

user1467536289 · 07/01/2019 18:36

I also agree wholeheartedly with EastCoastDamsel

user1467536289 · 07/01/2019 18:39

And StrongTea

user1467536289 · 07/01/2019 18:47

My sisters husband works full time, doing unpredictable shift work, it pays well but the hours are tough. He works hard and does as much as he can with the children.

So your sister already has children?

Offred2 · 07/01/2019 19:00

I wouldn’t consider providing childcare for a sister’s child more than one or two days a week max for no payment.

I find a useful rule of thumb when thinking about childcare and this kind of issue generally is to try and imagine a typical man in this situation. And I honestly cannot imagine even the most feminist equality-minded man offering to be a full time unpaid carer to his nieces and nephews. In my view you’re mad to contemplate not charging for childcare. The amount of unpaid work done by women is staggering but that’s probably a whole different topic!

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/01/2019 19:01

You cannot work and look after a small child at the same time - just saying....

OrigamiZoo · 07/01/2019 19:07

OP, you sound lovely and I wish my relationship with my sister was like yours.

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