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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge my sister for childcare?

204 replies

ThatThingYouDo · 05/01/2019 23:54

Really after some advice and different points of view on this.

My sister has told me she is pregnant. I currently work from home part time in a job that is very flexible and fits around looking after my own children.

My sister would want to go back to work full time after the maternity leave. We previously discussed me possibly looking after any potential future children due to my work flexibility, but no actual in depth details were ever really discussed.

I would feel so awkward taking money from my sister for childcare, to look after my niece or nephew. She is an amazing sister and is so supportive and wonderful to me, and I love her very much.

I would be looking after the baby 7 hours a day Monday to Friday for the next 5 years.

Is this madness?!

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 06/01/2019 00:39

I looked after my sisters children free of charge when I was a sahm. Generally I didn't mind, because it benefited both them and my children. But somewhere along the line I had a lightbulb moment where I realised that my husband and I were living on one income and facilitating my sister and her husband having two incomes and no childcare costs.

So I went back to work!

Holidayshopping · 06/01/2019 00:39

But I wouldn't feel comfortable charging

Errr, right.

Then don’t moan about it when she has a good career, nice holidays and pays her mortgage off when you haven’t!

ChrisjenAvasarala · 06/01/2019 00:40

Sisters don't usually help each other?

Full time us a bit mad yes, but watching a siblings kid one or 2 days a week is something mumsnet is against? Really?

Havnt been here long, but the mumsnet attitude to family helping family is quite frightening. I'm s business owner and I look after a friends kid once a week. Friends for 30 years, it's not something I even consider a hassle. For my sister, in the position of choosing known working hours, i'd do it for 2 days. But my family supports each other, and no one has ever had a falling it because with that support comes open honesty... no one gets angry when someone says they can't.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 06/01/2019 00:44

@treaclesoda

Presumably you were a sahm first? You then quit a job to mind her kids?

Of course, return to work and do what's best for you. But your post had the undertone that she was somehow responsible for you living on 1 wage, when really that was a choice you made for yourself. She got benefit from it, but she didn't cause you to be a sahm. It's good that you decided to go back to work for your benefit though.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 06/01/2019 00:44

*didn't quit a job

treaclesoda · 06/01/2019 00:52

No, I was never a sahm for just my kids. I always looked after both my kids and her kids as a sahm. I didn't specifically quit work to look after her kids, but it was a factor in quitting work.

TigerTooth · 06/01/2019 00:55

It depends on your relationship I guess. I don't have a sister but my mother looked after all 4 of mine from 8am - 4pm when I went back to work. They then went to part time nursery at 2 and she collected them from there and kept them until 4ish.
She wouldn't take any payment, I never expected her to. We are all incredibly close. Lots of grandparents do it so why not a sister?
Only you know if its right.

Radyward · 06/01/2019 00:57

Are you mad ? Never mind about the hrs involved . I think the lovely relationship you have since birth will sour quickly with different attitudes to kids / parenting and bringing money into it ! Dont do it at all. Perhaps the v v odd day to help out. It will inevitably damage your relatiobship !

HSMMaCM · 06/01/2019 00:58

2-3 days a week paid, as you have your own work to do on the other days and your children will MASSIVELY resent not having you to themselves on days they are home.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 06/01/2019 01:04

I looked after my friend's baby for 3 days a week for about 6 months when I was a SAHM. I didn't register as a childminder and she paid me cash (it was over 20 years ago).

It was honestly fine; she never criticised how I looked after him, we got a bit of easy cash at a time when we were skint and I think my friend felt better leaving her tiny baby with me than with a nursery.

And yes, we're still friends now.

shiningstar2 · 06/01/2019 01:08

I think you would be mad to offer 5 days even if paid. It will alter everything you can do both work wise and with your own children. If the baby was ill a nursery wouldn't accept the child but as a sister you would so more restrictions on you than a nursery or childminder would accept.

Most importantly ...if you start by offering 5 days and find it doesn't work with your own lifestyle ...it would be very difficult to withdraw the offer.

If you really want to do it I would offer one day and say you will also be available for emergency cover when the child is sick. If you find you love doing it you can always up the offer later. Far easier to do that than find you've offered more than you can cope with then reduce the hours you are prepared to do.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 06/01/2019 01:16

Your sister will probably change her mind when she experiences becoming a parent. She doesn't understand yet how it will feel to have her child basically raised by her sister.

civicxx · 06/01/2019 01:20

If your going to help out that's amazing, but 100% register as a childminder & the she can also maybe get some help with childcare costs & you can be paid for all or some of the time.

civicxx · 06/01/2019 01:21

I pay my mum to look after my DD aged 9

kmmr · 06/01/2019 01:28

I wouldn't do it, and I have a close relationship with my sister. It's too much of a commitment, what about when you have plans or are sick or want to go on holiday and she complains. Paying makes it worse IMO, that increases the sense that you have to do what your 'employer' wants.

My mum has my son one day a week and it works. But even that, and she is retired, needs negotiation. She goes away, she has doctors appointments etc and we have to juggle things. Thankfully daycare are flexible enough to add casual days from time to time. Also childminders have a number of children to make it economically viable. Even if you charge it just wouldn't be worth it and a big loss to your life and career.

EdtheBear · 06/01/2019 01:36

Your kids are at an age when you could be thinking of upping the hours you work.

Something else to consider is after school clubs and swimming would you be dragging the LO along. Would the LO prevent you from taking kids swimming.

How about activites for your children during holiday times what impact will a LO have?

I have a 6 year gap between my children. One of the down sides is most activities seem to be age appropriate for one but not the other.

Bottom line I'd offer no more than a day and occasional emergency cover.

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 06/01/2019 01:46

Unless you're only looking after the baby during school hours then your own children will be affected by this. The baby will sometimes need fed or changed as you're all about to leave for school, or head off to an after school activity. And what about just being present and available after school for your own children? They will be affected by this, which is not to say that you shouldn't do it, but go into it as a temporary 'let's see how it goes' arrangement.

EdtheBear · 06/01/2019 01:47

You should also consult with your DH. Its one thing for him to support you working p/t to benefit your own children.
How does he feel about supporting you to you support your sister.

He might be thinking once your kids are both in school you'll be able to up your hours, increase your contribution to the budget, have extra holidays, get the mortgage paid off and consider retirement.

Fundays12 · 06/01/2019 01:54

Absolutely no way your career will suffer and what happens if you want a holiday or break or your kids are sick? I would help out one day a week if I could but would not commit to caring for any bodies child that much nor would I ask family to care for mine. I have had family look after ds1 for a short period of time and it didn’t end well.

Tweety1981 · 06/01/2019 02:25

I looked after my sisters children a lot . Like at the drop of a hat , even cancelled on work shifts if she needed it . I arranged to take time off work because she wanted to go on holiday without her baby for two weeks , and repeatedly looked after her children over long weekends because she wanted to go out .

I then had children of my own . I regret making myself so available because I realised that no one would ever do that for me . But I don’t regret the time I have spent with my nephew and niece whom I adore .

So , in contrast I have absolutely struggled with childcare .

I think it’s important to strike a balance with these things as it is a huge demand for you to look after these children. I’m sure you live you sister and her children but you need to be sure you will manage .

Asking her to pay is an option , but I think I would be offended if my sister expected me to pay and I am likely to just pay someone else instead ...though I suppose it depends on what your relationship is like with your sister

What you could do Is suggest you can offer childcare once a week or fortnight or whatever you feel comfortable with ...

Tweety1981 · 06/01/2019 02:29

I mean struggled with childcare options .. not childcare per se ... I now make all may comittments based aroubd the kids and harfkybrely on anyone except emergencies

flirtygirl · 06/01/2019 02:35

You do not need to register to be paid. That's a requirement if gov funds like tax credits etc are paying for part of the childcare.

If a person is paying fully for their own childcare, then the carer or family member does not need to be registered.

Di11y · 06/01/2019 06:50

if you did the care based at her house you could be a nanny. don't need to register with Ofsted then.

importantkath · 06/01/2019 06:56

I would offer one day a week free, for sake of family relations. (I think that is a lovely gesture).

But full time is madness! You could end up being resentful. I did this recently for a friend who was having childcare issues, for just a couple of months and I told her that I was going to charge her (a small, cash in hand) amount because otherwise I might feel taken advantage of. She agreed.

I used to be a child Minder, and it was very easy to register. I got a grant to buy equipment and when Ofsted came round, everything was fine. I did this so my best friend could register for tax credits and it ended up being one of the best jobs that I ever did.

Thehop · 06/01/2019 07:14

“I’d love to have him/her a day a week to help with nursery fees, sis.....we’ll have fun, having an aunty day” is a lovely gesture and more than enough