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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly against MIL moving in!

178 replies

Sleepingbabiesareamyth · 05/01/2019 10:17

I’ve got to go back to work later this year after having my first baby a few months ago. My DH has stated that he does not want us to be spending ‘loads of money on childcare unnecessarily’. He and my MIL have both been pushing me to agree to MIL moving in with us so she can look after the baby when I go back to work.
She currently lives in rented accommodation and isn’t working (out of choice). I find her very hard to be around for more than a couple of days at a time as I feel that she is trying to take over and control every aspect of my life. I.e. anything I say regarding the baby she always knows better on and will do her way regardless of my opinion. DH doesn’t see a problem at all with this.
AIBU about both DH & MIL wanting her to move in. Should I just ‘suck it up’ as it would save us a lot of money?
I just feel that I would no longer get any say in my child’s life and this is stressing me out hugely.

OP posts:
Slipperboots · 05/01/2019 15:58

DH suggested this when MIL became widowed. She could do all our childcare. We would come home to a clean house and a home cooked meal every night.... etc.

Except she would never have done any of those things, not one. I think men put their mothers on pedestals.

And also I would have jumped out of the window if she had...

TorchesTorches · 05/01/2019 16:03

My God, no.

I lived with my MIL when we were made homeless at short notice. It was horrific. She is very nice and has a big house, but it was just unremittingly awful. After we moved out it took about 2 years for MIL and my relationship to recover, and we are both 2 reasonable people. If my DH had been anything other than 100% on my side every time i ranted about his mother, it could have been terrible for our relationship. Fortunately he was 100% on my side, so we had no side effects.

Dont do it for the sake of your marriage and your sanity.

The80sweregreat · 05/01/2019 16:04

I would just say No and leave it at that.
its sounds a very bad idea - and it probably will be. dont do this.

She will also put you on a guilt trip forever more - ' look what ive done for you' at every single turn. best to sort out your own childcare and not be at her mercy, or have her live with you. it won't end well.

Holidayshopping · 05/01/2019 16:08

Are you coming back, OP!?

Trippedupagain · 05/01/2019 16:26

Oh no, certainly not. If she moves in now, it will be forever and ever, no chance she will ever go. I feel upset just at the thought of it, having had a similar MiL myself, but at least my DH disliked her at least as much as I did, if not more so.

Ellie56 · 05/01/2019 16:37

149 posts of HELL NO and OP hasn't been back Grin

Or MIL has already moved in and OP has run off to the hills screaming.

HeebieJeebies456 · 05/01/2019 17:28

He and my MIL have both been pushing me to agree.... he does not want us to be spending ‘loads of money on childcare unnecessarily
So the abusive behaviour has already started.....

As well as giving a point blank 'NO!', i'd tell him spending money on things like his hobbies/going out/gifts on his bday and xmas is also 'unnecessary' if that is his view on paying for professional childcare.

Purpleartichoke · 05/01/2019 17:29

She is not moving in.

Divorce is much more expensive than child care.

ItsQuietTime · 05/01/2019 17:36

Yeah what pp said, the inevitable divorce will cost him more than he'll save in childcare costs moving his Mum in.

Millionsofthings · 05/01/2019 21:22

NIce to see a balanced thread with opposing views for both options!! 🤣🤣🤣

Landslide victory for the hell no camp!!

Motoko · 05/01/2019 21:55

Shame OP hasn't come back though.

Zofloraqueen27 · 05/01/2019 22:49

This arrangement would suit your husband very well.

He wouldn’t have to do anything for his child/children because his mum is there to look after all this for him. ...op you would just be regarded as a wage earner while his mum ruled your roost.

What happens when your child goes to school - believe me these years fly by and when they move to senior school and don’t need wrap around care? His mother will still be there -still telling you what to do and how to be nice to her son-.

What happens when she gets old and infirm. It will be YOU not her son who will be looking after her....

Please don’t take this lifelong commitment on. Your life will never be your own. Managing a baby and work is rarely easy but you will get through it. Nursery fees are not forever but lodgers are.

If you can’t stand up to your husband then heaven help you when he and his mother call all the shots in future. She will make sure you are surplus to your baby as she will have the most impact on the baby as a SATG! Please don’t do this and sign away the rest of your married life.

Ribbonsonabox · 05/01/2019 23:00

NO NO NO NO NO no no no NO NO NOOO NO NO nope.

Zofloraqueen27 · 05/01/2019 23:08

Plus ........ IF/when it all goes pear shaped - I.e. mil finds it “too much” to look after your child - she can’t leave because she won’t have anywhere to go. This arrangement suits her fine - she is set up for the rest of her life. It suits your husband but I guarantee it will never suit you to hand over your baby to her controlling care. Your baby needs YOU.

MitziK · 05/01/2019 23:23

No.

Because then it wouldn't be your baby - it would be hers. Hers to feed, hers to discipline, hers at every school event, every time you disagree 'well, I'm the one who actually knows her and brought her up, not you'.

It's worth divorcing now just to ensure that never happens.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 05/01/2019 23:29

No fucking way. She can move in as long as you can move into her place!

snowball28 · 06/01/2019 04:58

I wouldn’t even live with my own mother let alone the MIL Confused

moredoll · 06/01/2019 05:06

No, get a proper au pair. Your MIL can look after the baby on the au pair's day off if she's truly keen to help.

Butterfly44 · 06/01/2019 05:16

No. Don't! How many days a week are you going back to work? I did a mix of 2 days nursery and 2 days mum looking after baby, until around a year old and put DD Into nursery full time for the social skill aspect etc. Granny's are great 🙌 but as others have mentioned childminders and nursery give a completely different setting in terms of their development, routine and skills when mixing with other children. Have a rethink

yayhamlet · 06/01/2019 05:17

You're definitely not being unreasonable, OP. I'd sooner light my house on fire and live on the streets than let my MIL move in with us. Hmm (And my husband would know better than to ever suggest it.)

Rockmysocks · 06/01/2019 05:24

No! Your married life and bond with child will go to hell in a handbasket in no time! A shitbomb of a suggestion from OH and MIL.

OutOntheTilez · 06/01/2019 05:29

Oh HELL no!

Accepting this outlandish "offer" would be the biggest mistake of your life.

Please listen to everyone, particularly Zofloraqueen27, who has stated the cons perfectly.

There cannot be an upside for you in this. Please, please don't allow it.

Rockmysocks · 06/01/2019 05:55

You will become the outsider very quickly. MIL will take over and OH Will support his mother. You won't find it easy to reclaim lost ground. Got to say no and make it clear it's end of conversation. It's not exactly life or death but pretty damn close. It's a circle of hell you shouldn't be electing yourself to. If you don't, you'll regret it forever.

EatCrisps · 06/01/2019 07:10

Another hell no to add in.

DartmoorDoughnut · 06/01/2019 07:21

Counteroffer:

“MIL can move in with you, baby and I will move out. MIL can look after you and baby on your access days”

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