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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly against MIL moving in!

178 replies

Sleepingbabiesareamyth · 05/01/2019 10:17

I’ve got to go back to work later this year after having my first baby a few months ago. My DH has stated that he does not want us to be spending ‘loads of money on childcare unnecessarily’. He and my MIL have both been pushing me to agree to MIL moving in with us so she can look after the baby when I go back to work.
She currently lives in rented accommodation and isn’t working (out of choice). I find her very hard to be around for more than a couple of days at a time as I feel that she is trying to take over and control every aspect of my life. I.e. anything I say regarding the baby she always knows better on and will do her way regardless of my opinion. DH doesn’t see a problem at all with this.
AIBU about both DH & MIL wanting her to move in. Should I just ‘suck it up’ as it would save us a lot of money?
I just feel that I would no longer get any say in my child’s life and this is stressing me out hugely.

OP posts:
aprilanne · 05/01/2019 12:14

Jings what is it with some people. I like my dil very much help with looking after grandaughters while parents work .I respect there point of view of child rearing even it is different from my thoughts .but no bloody way would my son just want me imposing my self all the time and I have a fantastic relation ship with them.no chance tell your hubby

SpareRibFem · 05/01/2019 12:15

No and if you already feel like she undermines you wrt baby now do not have her doing any childcare.

A good nursery is fabulous, as well as childcare you get to meet other mothers trying to juggle childcare and work as well. Those mothers have been my support all the years my kids have being growing up, from emergency school pickups, taking over being mum for a child's party when I had a work emergency and recommending driving instructor when kids got to 17/18.

If oh persists tell him you won't go back to work under those conditions.

XmasPostmanBos · 05/01/2019 12:21

In this case it's not just that it is MiL but I feel like in an ideal world you would like to stay home with your baby for longer and you will resent her taking that place. At least if baby is in nursery you won't be getting that feeling that she is doing exactly what you would like to be doing.

lola006 · 05/01/2019 12:22

I’ve skimmed the full thread and haven’t seen any replies mentioning sex going out the window. Ask you DH when sexy time is going to happen with his mum the floor below/room next door/whatever.

Buddytheelf85 · 05/01/2019 12:30

So many reasons to say no!

As many PP have pointed out, even if you got on like a house on fire with your MIL this would be an absolutely huge decision. But you don’t, so it isn’t - it has to be a no.

Another thing - I never quite understand why a lot of men (judging by the threads I read on MN) see childcare as something worthless, or ‘money down the drain’. Yes, professional childcare is expensive. But in the same way as you pay a mechanic to look after your car and a dentist to look after your teeth etc, in return for that money, your child is cared for by professionals who have early years training, first aid training, safeguarding responsibilities, reputations to protect and businesses to run. Your MIL doesn’t have any such training, or any such reputation or business. So it’s not just about ‘saving money’ - the ‘free service’ is totally different to the one you’d pay for. And because money isn’t changing hands it’ll all be on her terms.

To be clear I’m not saying all paid childcare is perfect or that having relatives provide childcare is always a bad thing. I just hate this idea that some men seem to have that you can bung the baby with any Tom, Dick or Harry to save money because, you know, anyone can look after a baby.

Fcukthisshit · 05/01/2019 12:38

This is such a bad idea. It will destroy the relationship between the 3 of you if she moves in!

Yulebealrite · 05/01/2019 12:42

I'd say don't do it even if you got on well with mil. Given what she is actually like - id divorce rather than agree to that.
DH has already shown he doesn't't think there is a problem with how she acts. It's only likely to get worse as she gets away with more and more,

Yulebealrite · 05/01/2019 12:46

Yeah if she really wants to help - a couple of days childcare in her own home might be an idea. I suspect she'll run a mile.

heiheithechicken · 05/01/2019 12:46

Oh god no.

Geppili · 05/01/2019 13:14

Please do not allow this. How much rent would your mil be saving? How much would a nursery cost? Imagine if she became ill? How much does your husband value you and your marriage?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 05/01/2019 14:24

Is the OP coming back?

Not often you get 100% agreement on AIBU.

Confused1681 · 05/01/2019 14:32

I feel stressed about this for you, don’t do it

Ellie56 · 05/01/2019 14:38

No no no! This is a really really bad idea!

Yulebealrite · 05/01/2019 14:41

I suspect that the op is relieved that we agree with her but that she realises that she will be bulldozed into it anyway. She's probably upset.

Mummysharkdodododo · 05/01/2019 14:45

Well given that not one person has said that this is a good idea I'd say it's a no to mil moving in.

It'd ruin your relationship with not only you mil but also your husband, it really isn't worth it.

Holidayshopping · 05/01/2019 14:46

I would move out if my MIL moved in.

What have you said to your DH about this?

LordPickle · 05/01/2019 14:48

No no no no NO!

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 05/01/2019 15:13

Big fat hell no! If that happens she has then moved in forever.

BumbleBeee69 · 05/01/2019 15:24

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He’s at it as is She, as a previous poster already stated, SHE can look after the baby at her own home, what’s wrong with that? tell him No Way?!

Her0utdoors · 05/01/2019 15:28

God no. Tell him it won't save him money because divorce is expensive.

AmericanEskimoDoge · 05/01/2019 15:36

No, that's insane. She doesn't have to move in with you to take care of her grandchild, and she can find another place to live (other than with you!), if her current arrangement isn't working well.

MumW · 05/01/2019 15:38

Just NO.

You don't just have a MIL problem, you have a humongous DH problem who still sees his mother as more important than you.

If my DH moved my MIL in under these circumstances, I'd be serving divorce papers. I say this with a lovely MIL who has been nothing but supportive and has never interfered.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/01/2019 15:46

No way

Consolidatedyourloins · 05/01/2019 15:52

149 posts of HELL NO and OP hasn't been back Grin

OP IS AWOL

LittleLannister · 05/01/2019 15:55

No way!!!

Tell him he can either have his DW or his DM living with him, and if he chooses her, it’ll cost him a fortune in divorce and maintenance!

Also, what happens when DC goes to school, she’s not likely to move out of what would have been home to her is she?

Then think ahead a few years and she needs caring for... is DH going to pay for “granny care” or will it be “unnecessary” to spend that money and you become the cared? (Cause it would make his life easier wouldn’t it?!)

I’d be refusing this stupid proposal and making sure I told MIL that too....