DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

OP, I think a lot of posters have raised really good points. And combining what quite a few of them seem to be saying, before you go through with buying the flat...
You should not make a huge commitment with someone who is more concerned with upsetting their mother than upsetting you.

There may be several ways to fix the fact that he’s more concerned about his mother’s feelings than yours (even just one long but serious conversation), but until you sort it, don’t move forward. And if he refuses to sort it, losing the fees and such will be a small price to pay.

Every relationship has it’s tests - this is just one of yours. Many people have financial assistance from their parents when house hunting - but most parents don’t demand 50% of the property in event of their child passing!

Let’s be honest, the plan is absolutely in their best interests and not yours. You both wanted to be joint tenants to have equal rights in ownership and full rights in passing - her contract undermines what you both wanted to begin with and is in his favour! You essentially lose some of the rights to your own home purchase, and he loses nothing.

It’s quite obvious to see how this affects you, so for your partner to act like this isn’t a big deal is quite patronising. For him to ‘just want to keep his mother happy’ is dismissive of your concerns. It’s clear that his mother doesn’t see your relationship lasting/trust you. This potentially would be a relationship-ender for me.

You should not make a huge commitment with someone who is more concerned with upsetting their mother than upsetting you

I agree. You need to have a massive conversation with your dp. Also this has nothing to do with her wanting her money back, it's about control and fucking you up. Her outrageous behaviour at the start of your relationship would have really put me off. Was dp outraged? He needs to show that his commitment is to you.

I’ve just imagined being the mother in the situation and your DP being one of my (currently under 18) DC. It’s my job to make rational decisions re worst case scenarios and I am very legally minded and pragmatic when it comes to my and DH’s finances.

But I couldn’t possibly fathom taking it to the point I put a clause in in case my DC dies before me. Absolutely couldn’t contemplate the idea - it’s alk wrong. I might conceivably do so on the advice of a lawyer if necessary but I’d get them to make the arrangements. Even so, if my DC died prematurely, there’s no way I’d want to stake claim on the home of my DC’s loved one. It simply wouldn’t be what my child would have wanted, and I couldn’t do that to a grieving young person. No way.

Meant to add: and of course I wouldn’t be the only parent who thinks like this. So what I’m trying to say is, your DP’s mother’s thought processes here are, aside from being controlling and potentially money-grabbing, quite sick and in no way demonstrating love and respect for her own son. I’d get him to really think about that.

I agree with ThisWayDown about the DM's thought processes which are, at best, bizarre and out-of-kilter.

what about this? Wrote it into the will but purchase as joint tennants. This is not an act of severance so if he dies you will own the whole property by survivorship but she may not know the difference.

I really have to ask how much money did she contribute?

Also, does MIL know that what she is suggesting is illegal since the money is a gift? Does your DP know it is illegal?

Apologies if this has already been suggested - what about taking out a life insurance policy with her as the named recipient. They are usually pretty cheap. That guarantees her payout and so shuts her up.

Agree with pp that you may want to reconsider the relationship. Even at the other side of the world she’s causing havoc. Imagine what it would be like if she decid d to move to be near you when you had children.

I disagree with all the dire warnings about the relationship with the mortgage lender. If she has signed off on it legally as a gift then legally it's a gift and that is what the mortgage lender is concerned about. Their concern is about legal debts, not moral ones or emotional blackmail.

I'd pull out of the purchase - for two reasons:

Firstly, what she's asking is batshit, unreasonable and totally unfair. Yes you could do a will and then change it immediately post-purchase - but that doesn't solve the root of the problem.

There is clearly an issue here, and until your DP deals with it then it's going to continue to be a problem for you. What happens if you sell the flat? I bet my shiny pound that she'll emerge with her hand out and stamp her feet. She may not be legally entitled to anything - but if your DP is determined not to alienate her then you are always going to be on the back foot, because he's trying to appease her. She knows this - so what's to stop her stepping up her demands if it means there's a chance at getting rid of you?

The only way to deal with this is to have zero financial involvement from her. The moment she has any leverage at all, she'll use it. Your DP also needs to be on board with his choices and aware of his mother's behaviour.

Pull out of the purchase. There will be other opportunities.

I agree with PPs that I wouldn't go into such a major financial arrangement with someone who is putting their mother's interests ahead of mine. Particularly as she is not being remotely reasonable and has a barely hidden agenda to sabotage you and your relationship.

I wouldn't rely on changing a will after the fact which your partner can change back at any time without consulting you and you would be none the wiser. You could be homeless in the event of his death. His mother would theoretically only lose her loan if he died (and then only if you refused to pay her back) but would not be homeless. You risk far more by her getting her way.

I don't understand why you both haven't said no and returned the money? Does DH fear it will ruin his relationship with her? Has he asked her why she thinks giving you a gift/loan for 2.5% is worth half the property?

I wouldn't want to be beholden to the arse for a penny.

And it would have to be joint tenants or nothing.

So, to put it bluntly, if he dies then you’ll be homeless and at the moment he appears to be prepared to accept that. Lots to discuss with him there, OP.

I have just bought a house from a young woman who was in the very unfortunate position that her husband had died and she was selling the house to pay off his mother.

It is different in that the woman we were buying from owned much less than half as a tenant in common, and didn't even know that this was the way the house had been bought.

If this is the only way you can buy the flat then do it, but make it your number one priority to pay his mother back asap. Even if it means never going out or buying anything for a few years!

I felt very sorry for the woman we bought from. She had tried everything to keep the house. Her legal bills swallowed most of what she got from the sale. I also understood the mother's point of view though. She had given her son a lot of money to buy the house. Very difficult and upsetting situation, which I wish I didn't know about to be honest.

You can do.as she asks and get married in the registry.office soon. This will mean that you'll inherit his half. But he will have to update his will. Or you can just carry on what you're doing..do you already have the money? You could say it's too.late as all the paperworks been done?

What a situation!

I’d show dp this thread, just so he understands the situation, rather than being sucked into any obligation he feels towards his mum.

I think you have two options. Walk away from the purchase or get an agreement signed that ensures she gets 2.5% in the event of his death. Have you contributed equal amounts to the purchase? Can you get a mortgage on only 5% deposit these days? Especially when 2.5% is gifted?

I do also see her trying to grab half of the house as hers after the purchase. She will visit whenever she pleases and always try to call the shots. You need to nip this in the bud now!

This is not about the money - the risks of your DP dying before her are slim. She’s not ‘protecting her investment’ she’s establishing herself above you in the hierarchy of value to you DP - this is about control

Tell the seller that a chunk of funding has fallen through and you need to reduce the price by 2.5% or you have to walk away... with all the bad news piling up for property in London losing 2.5% now will be less than they will lose if they have to remarked Nd find a new buyer in this market.
Its definitely a buyers market... And I assume the price agreed was at least 3 months ago.... prices in most of London have dropped far more than 2.5 in that time
Good luck

If I have understood correctly what she is asking is illegal since she has declared the money a gift. Ask your dp to tell her that after taking legal advice you have discovered that this just isn't possible.

It’s morally wrong to write a will for someone else as you lent them money...

Tbh op this would leave you in a very difficult position should something happen to your partner. If he died your home would have to be sold.

If you married the day after you purchased the property, any will would be invalid and the flat would be yours regardless of how you were tenants should anything happen

Agree with cet this is about controlling

If you feel you can't lose this property purchase then as a previous poster advised, you too draw up a will with your 50% going to a member of your family. Your partner may then understand your legitimate concern. In the event of marriage, both wills will be null and void. In the event you don't marry but split up in the future, before his deposit loan is paid back to his mum, it should be legally set out that the amount still outstanding to his mum comes out of his share only of the final property equity. I cannot stress enough that you need to protect yourself financially via a legal route, rather than a gentleman agreement. Your moto should be hope for the best but plan for the worst. Not very romantic, I know, but very practical bearing in mind the dynamics of his relationship with his mum and the new conditions of the loan.