DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

I would do as she says and then change the will once it’s all blown over (in a month)
Unless she’s a total psycho expecting to see evidence of the will on a yearly basis and then just show her the out of date copy.
And then never ever borrow money from her again.

@Mummyoflittledragon looking into potential beneficiary now!

@kfcinbed The one way you can be sure he wouldn't go behind your back, is to be joint tenants.

Tell her you got legal advice and make a will saying she will get the value of the house in the same % of her contribution to its value. Prepare for the row to come but honestly you cannot give her anything more than that. It is absurd that a loan of 2% can get her half.

You say he’s your DP, is her fear that you’re not married and that if he dies you’ll have no link to her at all?

You say he’s your DP, is her fear that you’re not married and that if he dies you’ll have no link to her at all?

No, from her behaviour it is quite clear that she is doing this to fuck with OP, and to punish her son for being in a relationship with somebody she doesn’t approve of.

@brookshelley I think I agree with @Sashkin ! DP's mother definitely does not want me in her life, it's been made clear multiple times.

First of all, the practical. I’d say to tell his mother you will make a will immediately stating that in the event of his death, she will be paid the balance of the loan plus interest, and that’s it. If she’s upset, oh well. The only person demanding 50% of a house for a loan that’s 2.5% of its value is a loan shark.

The reason I say to tell his mother, despite her anger, is because I just don’t think you can have a happy life letting her think she calls the tune and you both just dance to it. You’ll end up resenting your DP for not standing up to her on your behalf. Which brings me to...

Second: the big picture. Your DP is willing to do this because he’s “not going to die” and doesn’t want to cause a stir with his mum over her incredibly unreasonable demand and boundary stomping. BUT right now is when you need to consider making changes. Because if this is the kind of person she is, then these kinds of actions (sounds like she is pissed off your DP is staying in the UK) are going to continue for the rest of the time you know her. More importantly, the way he handles this is the way he’ll handle every time she pulls these stunts in the future, so now’s the time to get it sorted before you have 20 years of her doing unreasonable shite and him being a wet noodle about it.

I’m not recommending divorce or anything over the top (though if he refuses to communicate, I might recommend counseling). It just means it’s the right time to sit down and have very clear communication that you’re not going to have important life decisions determined by the fact that he doesn’t want to fall out with someone who is being unreasonable. After all, you and DP are meant to be a team against the unreasonable people of the world.

The money is a gift then, not a loan. Legally, and morally.

If you're simply pretending that it's a gift so that you can purchase the house, then you are committing fraud and you're all as bad as each other, tbh.

If you can't afford to buy without committing fraud and/or relying on his mother then you'd be better saving a bit longer until you can do this on your own.

Also meant to say, that's good @kfcinbed that you know this is definitely coming from her and not him! But I do think he needs to be fully informed and realise that you will lose security (and potentially money) if you do things her way, aside from the fact that it sets a precedent.

I mentioned children before. What if you have them, and she "gifts" something for the DC, but then attaches draconian conditions? You'll always wonder this every time she does something for you : "but what's the hidden cost?"

Much better that he tell her to fuck off now, and that she can't demand you change things this far into the process, because that's your only chance of you and him having a honest, forthright relationship with her in the future.

Sorry but if you’ve contributed more money than her and it’s your home to live in, why on earth is she entitled to 50%?? She has no right and is just trying to assert baseless authority - don’t rise to it. Under no circumstances should you go ahead with her wishes.

Frankly it’s weird hearing a parent speak about what should happen to their child’s assets in the event of the child’s death - surely the parent would expect to outlive their child?

This is just the wording on the will (or rather how you and she would be seen) as you would also be set up as a potential beneficiary. He would then leave an expression of wishes (this is just a letter you put with the will and emailed / saved on file in case it is lost ). I’m saying to perhaps do it this way as it’s a decreasing amount.

The other way of doing it as she may potentially cause issues and try to get 50% of his estate (I assume she has money for court fees) is to directly set her up to get 5%. It may be easier this way as it’s a set amount and she can’t try to worm more. But means you may get slightly less in the end. But it will be much clearer.

With the former her amount won’t be made clear without the letter/ notes.

Or at least this is my understanding having recently made a will, which was a little complicated.

Also, your DP can't possibly know that he's not going to die before paying back the loan. High probability that he won't of course, but the whole point of wills and indeed being joint tenants is to prepare for the worst case scenario, however unexpected and unlikely.

@ThisWayDown @RightYesButNo @Hannnnnnnxo you all raise good points that I didn't really consider- I will discuss with DP tomorrow.

We don't have children and aren't expecting to so I haven't thought about that side of things

@ThisWayDown @RightYesButNo @Hannnnnnnxo you all raise good points that I didn't really consider- I will discuss with DP tomorrow.

We don't have children and aren't expecting to so I haven't thought about that side of things

@ThisWayDown @RightYesButNo @Hannnnnnnxo you all raise good points that I didn't really consider- I will discuss with DP tomorrow.

We don't have children and aren't expecting to so I haven't thought about that side of things

To be frank, is it worth going through with the purchase with her involved and trying to dictate terms like this? Would it be an option to pull out, save up and buy another flat at a later time? Who knows, with brexit, London house prices may actually drop a tad later in the year

I should have added. The beauty of setting the will up the first way is so that she can’t see the amount he wants to give her. But it doesn’t come without risks as the executors can choose to change this. But as you’d be the executor the risk is minimal. However as I say she could take you to court and make it awkward and costly.

@Mummyoflittledragon thank you for this. Yes that definitely makes sense, we'll explore both options when we make the will and see what seems to make the most sense

@Hannnnnnnxo I'm wondering this myself...

So you’re not going to have kids. Would he want to give half your flat to his mother in the event of both your deaths (simultaneous deaths as the money would come to you in the first instance)? Would she need the money? Isn’t there anyone else younger, who could do with it more?

Sorry to come in with something else, but I was just thinking how unreasonable this of her:

She's asking for him to pay back the loan AND leave her half. So potentially - if he dies after paying her back and with his will leaving her his half of the flat still in force - she'd get a huge return for her investment.

It doesn't sound like's she made any suggestion for him to change the will once he's paid her back, or that he leave her his half in lieu of paying him back. She's a controlling nightmare.

I understand that he doesn't want to upset his mum, but I think the best thing to do is to upset her now and go ahead with your plans as they already are.

With these type of people, when they get away with one thing, it is twice as hard to refuse their next demand.

My ex-PIL really wanted to christen my dd. I finally gave in. Next thing I knew they had named the godparents and arranged a party that I wasn't allowed to invite any of my friends to. Then I discovered that they had decided what primary school she was going to be sent to.

And they were actually lovely people on the whole.

Cocoyan
I agree. It’s easier to say that with hindsight and well into your 40’s. Assume op is a fair bit younger.

Sorry got your name wrong there. That’s how I always read it tbh

If you both pay for life insurance this would surely pay for the property if something occurred in the future. Personally, I think that the money comes with too many restrictions, so I would buy something smaller or save up for longer. If you take the money, have you worked out how long it would take to repay in full and does it include interest ? I agree that you should both make wills. Are you married ? Because if you are married, I believe the surviving person automatically inherits