DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

It’s after reading these types of threads I count myself very luckily my family are skint and have fuck all money.

OP

This whole business seems to boil down to a warning shot from the mother, saying this is how I am going to behave, and this is how things are going to be.

I suspect there are a few parents like this, who actively behave atrociously in order to put off any potential partners their children may have.

yes but it was billed as a housewarming as well as a birthday party.

I don’t understand, sorry am on a phone so less easy to read. But are those not the same terms she wanted initially plus an extra apology. How is that an olive branch?

WRONG THREAD

He could make the will, go through the process, give her a copy . Then make a new one ... don’t give her a copy

I am feeling quite sorry for him at the moment. It must be a horrible feeling to realise this person is your mother

I take your point but wouldn't waste too much empathy, far less give him yet another excuse to claim she's "not malicious" and that actually it's your fault for "not being understanding"

Given his track record of failing to support you, it will be interesting to see how he intends to "make it clear" she's out of order. Overall, though, I agree with a PP that you might want to consider if this is the kind of future you really want

Sit back and see how he responds to this. This might be where the lights go on for him about his mother. In which case, good. If not then I'm sorry but no amount of reading you do or emotional work will be effective until he is ready to see how manipulative his mother has been and how he has let her get away with it up to now

This ^

Don't be surprised if he goes to and fro over it all too - when he seems to see reality but then sinks right back into that easy, comfortable fog. That's really normal, and is something for you to consider in your long-term plans.

I wouldn’t be buying under these circumstances. I’d pull out, give her the money back and then buy when you’ve raised the deposit without her. She’s nuts. None of what she says makes sense. You are owning the flat and working on it (decorating etc) together so why does she think she should get 50%? She’s going to have the deposit paid back? You could suggest that he will happily make a will stating in the event of his death that any deposit money still owed will be fully repaid. That should be more than enough. If it’s not well then you’ve got big problems and I wouldn’t buy with him until his mother issues are dealt with. What a horrid way to start living together. She’s ruined it for you. Pull out and do it when she’s out of the picture

Make sure the new place you buy doesn't have room for her to come and stay

DP mother sounds horrendous. She will not change. At least she lives a long distance away. Never let her stay in your home if she come to visit . ( NOT EVEN FOR A CUP OF TEA )

I have read the thread but can't recall if the OP has met the DP's mother or if she has fortunately stayed on the other side of the world.

The DP mother would not get in the same car as her ( it says further up the thread , so they have met )

They've met all right. And the mother treated the OP like something nasty she found on the bottom of her shoe. Before "mellowing" and putting on a show of things being OK-ish.

Now your DP is coming round to how awful she is, is he willing to use the money anyway to go ahead with the purchase as joint tenants?

If he did die and she got 50% of the property, would she be wanting to continue paying 1/2 the mortgage until it was paid off or would she expect to be bought out at that point?

Very good point.

There’s mortgage insurance that would mean that there wouldn’t be ongoing payments.

Where before I was angry, I'm now just very sad, for myself but also for DP.

I get that. It's a lot to take in, when you discover just how crazy and manipulative someone is. And having to pull out of a property purchase IS sad, even if it's because the survey said it was rotten to the core. And feeling sad for your DP because he's got a crazy (and, frankly, emotionally abusive) mother is what any nice person would feel.

But you definitely dodged a bullet, you both know where things stand with her, and are in a good place to start moving on.

Change the will and then change it back again?!

Where before I was angry, I'm now just very sad, for myself but also for DP.

TBH, I think I'd feel most sorry for myself if I were you, @Kfcinbed. Because this whole thing (MiL interference/shit stirring) is completely out of your control. If your DP does not do the hard work to change within himself, you are looking at a lifetime of this. And living half world away may reduce the severity because she's not sitting in your living room, but we are in the days of instant (constant) communication and her ability to interfere and affect your DP are LEGION.

Very bad idea to get into arrangements with family about large amounts of money, unless given as a genuine gift.

Either pull out of the sale, or make an arrangement in the will for the mother to be paid back a small percentage if her son dies (the amount she has loaned plus a bit extra for interest/inflation).

Don't get into deceptions, making dodgy wills, planning to change things etc. If the worst was to happen you would be in the shit at the worst possible time.

rainydogday
Change the will and then change it back again?!

I hope you are joking but suspect not. This was suggested back on page one and countless times throughout the thread. Honestly, it's so obvious when people haven't RTFT.

I disagree with those suggesting you do as she asks re wills etc and then change the following day. I think you need to be honest and she needs to learn that she will not get what she wants in life by behaving so atrociously.

OP, I was getting more and more concerned for you whilst reading and think you have made a wise decision.

This has been hard for your DP who is obviously desperate to retain some sort of relationship with her. However, he needs to demonstrate that you are his number one priority going forward.

I see she is in Australia - I'n not sure that even that is far enough away from her evil clutches.

I hope you find another property soon and are able to settle down to enjoy life in the future.

I’ve not read the thread, but surely the solution is for the son to take out a life insurance policy for the loan amount, beneficiary the mother. The mother is then covered in the event of her son’s death.

READ TEH THREAD!

This is that damn cheque all over again.