DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

The suggestion of forging a will did make me laugh- DP is so honest and good there's no way I could convince him to dupe her like that. He knows she's being unreasonable but he doesn't want to trick her (though I have suggested it!)

It's legally been declared a gift so I understand legally she hasn't got a leg to stand on, but DP doesn't want to upset her or me- just trying to find a middle ground.

Your DP is so honest and good that he doesn't want to trick his mother, but he (and you) and his DM have no qualms about tricking the mortgage lender?

You can't have it both ways. It's either a gift or a loan. You can't make a will based on the understanding that this is money is a loan, while purchasing property based on a legal undertaking that this same money is a gift.

The woman is clearly at it. For whatever reason, she's deliberately setting out to cause trouble.

If I were you, I'd keep it very simple. This money is a gift, not a loan, and as such she has no rights to the property you are going to purchase.

You have two weeks to go, she has signed legal documents declaring that this is a gift. Don't entertain her. Stick to the legal facts, get the house purchased, and then when you can afford it, make her an equivalent gift if you want to get her off your backs, and take as little to do with her as you possibly can.

@ThisWayDown this is definitely true. I wish she could see how unreasonable a request this is but she's completely blinded by whatever it is that's causing her to act this way!

You need to explain to your DP that he has a choice. He can upset you or her. Unless your deposit is properly protected legally, she could potentially walk away with half your parents’ money. Can you ask them for an extra loan?

I would not buy in these circumstances. I would find the extra money from somewhere else or not go through with the purchase. The sad fact is that people die unexpectedly all the time and you do not want to have to deal with such a vicious woman when you have to grieve.

@Seeingadistance thank you for your views- I agree with going ahead as we had already agreed as the money is legally a gift - DP was supposed to repay when he could, with no stipulations.

However, DP does not want to go against her when she is so emotional about it.

Well, if you still want to go ahead, the quick and sneaky route is make the will, she can have a copy. There's nothing to stop him making another an hour afterwards stating that he leaves her the value of the deposit only and nobody has to inform her that he has done so. Alternatively, if you aren't married yet, make the will and then get married, as marriage also invalidates a previous will (in the UK, that is).

@Categoric the money I have put forward is mine as my mother has no money she is able to lend me- we cannot get money elsewhere otherwise we would do so.

I see what you mean about waiting- I am unsure now what to do! I don't want to lose the money we've already paid for fees etc or delay buying a property but I agree it is not looking good.

Sorry, just reread your first post. You would lose your savings, not money from your parents.

I still wouldn’t let her have her way. Apart from anything else, once she has interfered and made your DP choose her over you, she will interfere horribly more and more often.

How soon could you actually pay her back? And how hard is it to change the tenancy? If it were within a year I’d set it up, pay her back, then change everything back. And look blank and say but we repaid you so the obligation ended.

Honestly I think she’s after a meal ticket - she likes the allure of owning a London property rather than actually being worried about the event of her son prematurely passing away. I dare think that she will treat your flat like her own, and be quite pushy/demanding, as in her head she owns 50% of the property. It would set the tone of your future relationship with him off to a bad start.

Her idea completely undermines the reason behind why you both wanted to be joint tenants to begin with. So if something happens to you, he gets the flat as you both would have preferred, but not the other way around?

The only way this would be fair is if you assigned your 50% to another party as well, so your partner wouldn’t potentially be the full owner of the flat either? This might change your partner’s mind, as from currently his perspective the arrangement with his mother wouldn’t actually change anything for him - he’d be gone and the flat would be in the hands of his close ones. However it would change things quite dramatically for him if the situation was reversed and your family owned the other 50%.

I'm afraid I agree with Categoric.

I wouldn't go ahead with the purchase in these circumstances, for several reasons. The first would be that it would involve collusion in a deception, and I personally would not be willing to do that. For the rest of it, going ahead would mean giving in to her unreasonable demands, and doing so in the knowledge that your DP puts his DM ahead of you. If you go along with this now, you not only risk your own savings, and the property you are buying as your home, but you will forever be beholden to her in this and any other unreasonable demands she makes in the future.

I’m sorry but this is fucking ridiculous! What he is agreeing to could leave you homeless/ having to sell your home, at a time when you will be incredibly vulnerable due to his death. You are purchasing your home, under no circumstances agree to this! If things go bad after the house purchase then you could be in for a world of trouble!

In your shoes I would absolutely refuse to being tenants in common, you agreed to joint tenancy, he doesn’t get to change the goalposts now. You are putting your money into this home, you will not agree to anything that will leave you financially vulnerable or in the position of having to sell your home.

I would tell him that if he pushes it then he might as well declare that his deposit was a loan not a gift, as you won’t commit fraud for him when he is allowing his Mother to dictate such a bloody awful agreement.

If he insists on appeasing his sociopathic narcissist Mother, then pull out of the house sale and find another means of deposit. He is choosing his Mother first and he always will! She has been offered a legal agreement saying that you would pay back the loan in the event of his death. She has refused as she wants to have every single penny out of that house if her son dies! Fuck that! What next? She will be moving herself in, due to it practically being her home- fuck that too! Do not under ANY circumstances give her financial control! Which is exactly what he is proposing!

He is more concerned about falling out with Mummy than he is about Mummy extorting money out of you and forcing you to sell your home in the event of his death! He is a wimp and he would be shown the door if it were me!

Anyone evil enough to consider making money out of the death of her own son, is evil enough to hire a hitman to ensure her son has an accident that will see her left with a pretty fortune! That woman is a psycho DO NOT TRUST HER! If your partner continues to insist upon this, do not trust him either! Yes perhaps it sounds far fetched, but sociopathic narcissists do not love anyone but themselves and are capable of anything, including murder!

I'm aware that my comments might come across as harsh. I don't intend them to be - not towards you, OP. You have done nothing wrong, and her actions are putting you in a horrible position at a time when you should be looking forward to realising the results of your hard work in saving for a deposit, and having your own flat to show for that and to enjoy.

I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this mess, which is not of your making.

You know, this isn’t really reflecting well on your DP. Here you both are, about to make a huge legal and financial and relationship commitment, and he’s doing what mummy wants because otherwise she’d get emotional? Fuck that. She’s on the other side of the world as it is, how hard is it for him to stand up to her, for the sake of his own independence and his relationship with you, when he doesn’t even have to do it face to face?

I’d be telling him very clearly he’s not being reasonable or fair either and you’re not going along with it.

Just pull out and wait until you can afford to buy without relying on anyone else. Yes, you may lose a bit of money in fees, but isn't it better to maintain your independence and integrity?

Ha just seen I x-posts with Claire with us both saying v similar.

I cross posted- he doesn’t want to go ahead when she is so emotional about it- is he having a laugh? What about your emotions? They don’t matter do they? Nor does your safety and financial security! Does he love you at all? His Mother is on the other side of the world, it would be me he would need to bloody appease if I was in your situation!

She's being unreasonable and your DP knows that but she's his mother so he doesn't want to just shut her down and I can appreciate that most nice men wouldn't want to. I think there's a halfway between shutting her down and simply rolling over for unreasonable demands, though. And if he's going to be as nice to you as he is to her he ought to be looking for that halfway.

Has he considered telling her she's being unreasonable but he appreciates she wants the money back in the event of his demise and offering to take out a life insurance policy for the amount with her as a beneficiary? That would provide her with exactly what she says she wants - her investment returned - whilst also ensuring you would not have to sell up to provide her with that money. If she objects to that she's really nailing her colours to the mast in terms of it being entirely a matter of her trying to undermine your security. Would he not be comfortable telling her: "Look mum, you offered it with no strings, I appreciate you want to ensure you get the money back and I've made sure that happens, bu not at Kfc's expense. If you aren't happy to have that security without putting Kfc in a difficult place you shouldn't have offered the money. You can have it all back minus the expenses we undertook on the understanding it was no strings attached."?

You all make excellent points which I agree with but didn't fully articulate to DP today. I think we need to have another chat about it tomorrow and really discuss long term implications both financially and for the relationships we will both have with her going forward.

I do feel that sometimes we need to make allowances for family but this is just too much. I think at the very least we will need her to know that we're not leaving her 50% of the property in the will so that she will not feel that she can manipulate us.

@Seeingadistance thank you- it is clear that you're trying to help, as are all of you!

Thank you all so much. This is my first time posting here and you really have been very helpful in organising my thoughts.

Have the will made as she wants it, send it to her to look after. Have a new one written up that specifically states tbe otger one was made under duress and that this is the true final will. Make it state you will repay her 2.5% if he dies gefore it is paid off, but that she has no other claim to the house. Since hopefully he will not die anytime soon this is a good way to placate her.

I think you need a proper conversation with your DP about the financial implications of buying together, the loan from his Mother and why he is so happy to lie to the mortgage company.

Is he good with money in general? Will he actually pay his Mum back? Or is he a bit flaky financially? You really need to put yourself and your long term security first.

And not to scare you, but you do realise that the hideous MIL will consider herself entitled to stay when she wants and your DP won’t stop her...

My MIL offered to gift us money for a deposit. She the retracted it with a few weeks to go. We were lucky and could still continue with the purchase (credit cards, extra agency work and borrowing off family) However we were fucked financially and were very skint for a long time after.

I still hate his MIL for putting us through that. There’s no way I would want any ties to her. Think very carefully before getting involved in this. Would your relationship survive that amount of resentment? It nearly broke us

What would happen to the flat being sold due to relationship breakdown? Not something you want to think about but worth considering

@flying OP has made it clear that her DH doesn't want to lie or be deceitful.

Just say no.

OP, I'm guessing this is the first time either of you have purchased property.

Your DP has a relationship with his DM, an emotional one, but he (and you) are about to enter into a relationship with your mortgage lender. It is not an emotional relationship, but it is a legal relationship and a very important one. It is vital that that relationship is based on honesty and integrity. If your relationship with your lender breaks down because you have been less than honest with them - and pretending that a loan is a gift is less than honest - the potential consequences will be severe and long lasting. You could lose your home and any prospects of being able to get another mortgage in the future.

He needs to be able to set aside any emotional aspect to this, and concentrate on the financial and legal implications of what you are doing.

If his DM is unable or unwilling to accept her own legal commitment in terms of this being a gift, then really, I think you have to withdraw from the purchase of the flat.

Ideas of trying to work it out with different versions of wills is simply compounding an already dodgy situation, and is likely to end badly. You need to make your DP understand that.

I would just walk away from the purchase and save for a couple more years.