DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

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My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

@CheekyNandosForMe thank you for your kind words.

When i first met her she was horrendous - yelling at me and ignoring me. She refused to stay in the same hotel as me and to get in a car with me, but she did eventually apologise for her behaviour. I guess her feelings didn't actually change though!

The suggestion of forging a will did make me laugh- DP is so honest and good there's no way I could convince him to dupe her like that. He knows she's being unreasonable but he doesn't want to trick her (though I have suggested it!)

Wow, she sounds unstable. Wonder what's up with her, for her to behave like that.

You've already accepted money, that cannot be changed exactly.

But in the future, ask nothing if her, take nothing she offers. She's clearly a CF of some sort. Out for what she can get.

She has already given the money and cannot stipulate terms now.

It is understandable that MIL should want to get her money back. Go and see a lawyer and see if it's possible to draw up a will which stipulates if he dies before the loan is fully paid back you will her back in full regardless of how much has already been paid as a stipulation of inheriting his half within the first 5 years.

But equally you should then have a will which states that the deposit you put in should go to say your mum should you die before him. No seiously don't agree to anything without seperate legal advice.

Really if she inherits half it's a nightmare - will she pay the mortgage, will you be able to sell? Will you have to see? What if she dies shortly after he does, who owns that half then?

Yes buy it as tenants in common 50/50 and make the wills with him leaving her his half of any equity. Then next day go and see a solicitor and he makes a new will leaving his half to you. There is no way she can find out about this new will whilst your dh is still alive as pp has said. Also anybody can make a new will every day of the week if they want to there is no restrictions on this. Then just pay her back ASAP and then the bad voices would make me show her the will she had wasnt worth the paper written on

It sounds possibly the issue is not her getting her money back, but her torpedoing the house purchase and upsetting you (and your husband, but he is just collateral damage). When I mentioned DM’s ongoing crusade against DH, that was what I meant. If she saw a chance to hurt him she couldn’t resist taking it, even if it hurt me even more. She just couldn’t help herself. He was an interloper, and she needed to drive him away.

And what happens if you have children and then he dies? His share would still go to his mother.

Yes buy it as tenants in common 50/50 and make the wills with him leaving her his half of any equity. Then next day go and see a solicitor and he makes a new will leaving his half to you

Please do not do this. He may decide to change things back if his mum asks. There is potential to store up legal problems in the future.

MIL wants 2.5% back and you should ensure that this is the case.

My brother just takes what he wants and tells her to fuck off when she’s being unreasonable. He has a hide like a rhino, and DM is far too enmeshed to ever cut contact with him herself. They actually have a far better relationship then she and I do as a result.

go to a lawyer have the will drawn up giving her either his half or stating she will be willed the balance of the debt owing, he can show her truthfully the will ( its not a lie) then the next day go to a new lawyer and have the will rewritten to how ever he wants it

or tell her fine you will pay the entire deposit (find a way) and he will live there and pay some of the mortgage as "rent" and it will only be your name on the house

or pull out of the deal all together

i would do option 2 or at least tell her i am

You dupe her, or you say good ye to the house you want now and carry on saving.

Frankly, I wouldn't want a loan from someone like that, it's the sort of thing my mil used to do.

Is this money openly and legally acknowledged as a loan in terms of the house purchase? Or has it been passed off as a gift?

If it's officially a loan, then I'd be looking at simply returning it to her, and adding that 2.5% of the purchase cost to the mortgage. If it's officially a gift, then I'd ignore her as what's she's suggesting is legally very dodgy.

Pull out. Find a way to do it without her involvement. It will be cheaper in all ways in the long run.

What’s his mother been like in general? I would be very careful in future.

My mother did the whole offering me money then retracting as a child and young adult on numerous occasions. She spitefully controlled me this way actually.

She did make good with the house purchase and has since been extremely generous. Not at my request. She offered and I never once asked her for money since graduating. It doesn’t stop the upset of controlling me with money go away.

The only difference is that I do now feel guilt for still having anger because it was only a grand. But at the time the money she agreed to give me and then reneged was worth as much as everything she’s since lent and given since even though it was a much smaller amount.

Idk if this is how your dps mother is or was with him. But I would be very careful about taking money from her as she is using it as a weapon and means of control.

If your DP is genuinely considering this madness rather than actually have the row with his mother then I'd respectfully suggest you need to think hard about whether you really want to make such a big financial commitment with him.

What she's demanding is absolutely nuts and there are plenty of ways to ensure she is repaid this loan in the (hopefully unlikely but not actually impossible) event he dies before her. To pull this stunt now, after she's loaned the money, suggests she's very controlling and manipulative.

It sounds like he's willing to agree to this or lose the property rather than risk ''damaging the relationship'? If that's the case then what other crap will he be prepared to go along with in the future to keep his mother happy? Because you can bet your life you'll be expected to go along with it too!

@Seeingadistance it's legally been declared a gift so I understand legally she hasn't got a leg to stand on, but DP doesn't want to upset her or me- just trying to find a middle ground.

I think we will do the tenants in common 5050 and the will as she wants, then change the will to leave her only what she is owed.

I guess we will be duping her, but she gets what she says she wants - her money protected.

It's been a shock in that she's been quite so unreasonable and not willing to listen to any alternatives whatsoever, even if they mean getting her money back.

She seems to be wanting to drive us apart, as I am aware she believes the only reason he is in England still is for me, which I suppose is true, but we really are very happy together and he is happy here.

I disagree with half, why half? Why not a provision in the Will for the amount she loaned to him, less what he's paid back (KEEP RECEIPTS!), plus a certain amount of agreed interest.

She's being totally unreasonable!!

@sykadelic I completely agree with this! We will do this anyway without her knowledge. And never again accept money from her

I'll reiterate again: you definitely know without doubt, i.e. have seen evidence, that changing to tenants in common is a stipulation from your DP's mother, and not something that he is blaming on her but which he actually wants?

I think you'd be v foolish to make it tenants in common tbh. And you'd have to be bloody certain that your DP doesn't then make a third will changing it back.

Be very clear: this plan may be in her and his best interests, but it's really not in YOURS. It is you who would lose out should this all go wrong, not him.

@Mummyoflittledragon I'm sorry to hear this- this has definitely been a learning curve for me. It's understandable to feel resentment. I'm not sure how I will be able to respond to her politely if I do speak to her now!

No don’t do the will in this way. I don’t understand why he would agree to willing her half. You should do as I and others have suggested. You set her up as a potential beneficiary and give her what is remaining on the loan.

this whole situation is doomed. the bank will want to know where the deposit has come from. if you are honest with the bank about this loan, they will withdraw the agreement to lend and the whole deal will fall through. The deposit has to be unconditionally your money.

you shouldn't be buying a house with someone who is prepared to risk your wellbeing for the sake of his mum.

making a proper will is expensive, it costs hundreds of pounds. don't muck around with complicated plans to make one then alter it.

on the other hand : There's nothing inherently wrong with being tenants in common rather than joint tenants unless the property value is likely to exceed double the inheritance tax threshold. our house is owned as joint tenants and I am considering suggesting we change it to tenants in common, having read so many stories about DC being effectively disinherited because their surviving parent remarried and what should have been DC inheritance went entirely to the new step family.

naming his mum as a beneficiary of his will is crazy though. All wills start with wording about "after payment of debts" - and that is all any lender can reasonably expect.

Make two wills at the same time - one leaving to her. Send her a copy. Then shred the original. Then a day later (or time them each snd do next one right after first one) and make another will, revoking all prior wills and codicils and leaving his half to you.

Cross post. Thanks.

@ThisWayDown yes, I've seen email and WhatsApp exchanges and overheard phone conversations with him making it very clear that he was in favour of joint tenancy and that the only reason we would be changing it is to appease her, though we prefer joint tenancy. He is aware she is being unreasonable and is happy to change the will in my favour- I don't think he would go behind my back but I guess it is good to double check!