DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

We have all sorts in our family. No one is conventional and not all related by blood. But all very much welcome!!

Same here. I'm regarded (and regard myself) as GM to DSS's daughter and even though he and DGD's mother have split up, I still regard her as family! (Of course, it helps that she is absolutely fantastic and anyone would be proud to have her as a daughter). And my ILS regard all partners and spouses as family. It's like belonging to a tribe!

I don't think the mother in this case would ever regard a partner or spouse as family. Her interpretation of family involves shared DNA, I'm positive.

What is it with mums of mumsnetters always asking for bloody money back!!

Sorry this has happened but glad to hear your not proceeding with the purchase together. Give him 24 hours and see how he responds then. Otherwise you two need to have a little chat about the future. Protect yourself,I don't think he will.

Two options - I'm a former solicitor.

1. D.P. makes the will as requested and then revokes it by making another the following day.
2. You take out life insurance on D.P. and assign the interest to her - probably very cheap - to ensure she is repaid.

Alternatively, the OP could reach the solution she reached a couple of hundred posts ago.

At first I thought she has shot herself in the foot - her son would have had a property investment and now he doesn't. But she probably doesn't want him to have an investment in the UK - or anything else which would encourage him to stay away from Australia.
I'm sorry OP, this must be a real pain, I hope you find a lovely flat you can afford on your own.

Yes, I am suffering from premature e-publication. Must read full thread before trying to be helpful again.

I think people are being quite harsh on your DP but it is good for you to reflect on what you want to do further down the line. The reason my then BF (now husband) had less money to contribute to the deposit than me was because he had big credit card debt. Actually, when I say 'big' it was normal for my peers, but I was not normal and refused to have ANY credit card debt and have always been of a 'cut your cloth' 'mentality. It's also why, when we bought as TIC, I didn't leave my share to him but in fact to my DNs (though he had a life interest so could live there for as long as he wanted to - the last thing I wanted was him grieving and being made homeless at the same time... but I also didn't want my hard-earned cash - with my granny's inheritance helping out on my side of the deposit - to get frittered or to go to his new GF/DW's DC to be honest). He has totally changed his attitude towards money and saving and so I was happy to get married to him and all changed after that but at that time I loved him but was not blind to the potential for things to not go the way we intended/hoped.

What I would do is pick someone your DP doesn't like or a charity and say if his mother is left his half you will explicitly leave your half to them in a will.

That is INSPIRED, Bats

Sorry if this has been covered (I am on page 16 and half way through the dinner) . . . but what happens if her loan is paid back, but he doesn't change his will favouring Cruella De Ville his mother?

Not necessarily because he deliberately avoids it, but because it just doesn't enter anyone's mind at the time - but then he has an accident/ terminal illness/ just dies unexpectedly*?

• As happened to my 32 yo apparently fir BIL - went on holiday with his young family (DC's aged 7 and 5, baby 3 mo) and took the 2 elder children down to the pool in the hotel while my SIL sorted the baby out - and had a fatal heart attack. First day of the holiday. She was 29 and widowed with 3 children in a foreign country. Awful.

This thread is half following the Op’s updates and half repeating the same thing over and over again from people that haven’t read the hundreds of posts and genuinely think that their point hasn’t already been made.

How are you doing today OP? Hope you're okay.

Good, OP!

If you went ahead and bought as tenants in common, according to mumsnet wisdom he could anytime make or change his will without you knowing. Unless you want an investment and are buying with a friend, it doesn't make sense to buy as tenants in common.

Coincidentally, after you have bought a property you can still be eligible for a loan. People buy cars and other things all the time. We did for home repairs but you could theoritically repay her too.

FFS people. Read TFT before posting your two penn'orth.

There are nearly 900 posts do you really think that you are saying something that no one has thought of.

I wonder how the Evil One has reacted to them not buying the flat?

She won't if it's what she wanted. But she could come back, sweetened like lemon juice, and deny it all, say it was a silly misunderstanding, hahaha.

Thus messing even more with their heads and reasserting herself in her son's mind as a confused old woman. And then repeat.

DP's mother has responded to the rejection of her terms and a statement that we can no longer go ahead with the purchase (sent via email) by saying that she is willing to still go ahead, because she loves her son and no other reason, but only under her condition of tenants in common with a will leaving his 50% to her.

She has also requested an apology from me for my poor attitude towards her and family in general as she feels betrayed and hurt by my attitude.

She seems to believe she has extended an olive branch.

I'm absolutely flabbergasted and more hurt than I thought I would be. I just can't understand how she honestly believes she is not being incredibly hurtful.

I have downloaded and am reading Toxic In-Laws, so thank you to all who suggested it.

Ouch. What does your dp say to this?

saying that she is willing to still go ahead, because she loves her son and no other reason, but only under her condition of tenants in common with a will leaving his 50% to her.

yerwot? huh? she's saying that magnanimously she will still allow you to capitulate to doing what she's been demanding all along, and that her position hasn't changed one jot but she expects you are sorry for disagreeing with her now.

is she on glue?

OP do you seriously want this woman in your life forever, because that’s what a future with your Boyfriend entails.

Personally I’d be telling her to P1$$ off in no uncertain terms, and buying my own little Palace ruled by only me.

Your Boyfriend doesn’t really wholeheartedly have your back, and whilst he’s in Mummys pocket he never will.

DP's mother has responded to the rejection of her terms and a statement that we can no longer go ahead with the purchase (sent via email) by saying that she is willing to still go ahead, because she loves her son and no other reason, but only under her condition of tenants in common with a will leaving his 50% to her.

So basically still the same shit she was peddling before then, dressed up with a fake positive of “going ahead” to make it look like she’s still doing you some kind of favour. Despite the fact you’ve already said no to leaving her 50% in the will.

This woman sounds batshit. She is controlling and is trying to desperately keep a hold over her son because she sees you as taking him away from her. She just can’t cut the apron strings and is trying to emotionally blackmail her son into siding with her.

Shame he can’t see this really.

Yikes that’s grim. She can’t possibly believe that the same insulting offer is an olive branch, and is actively trying to prolong the drama. Hope your DP sticks up for you and owns the decision. You’re trying to build a life together and neither of you should be made to feel guilty for that.

I think this new development has hurt DP quite badly too - he knew she wasn't logical but this email showing a complete and utter failure to see that she's being cruel, long berating of me, and then a pretend olive branch has thrown him so I am feeling quite sorry for him at the moment. It must be a horrible feeling to realise this person is your mother.

My own mother has been very supportive over the last few days and it's made me grateful I'm not in his position.

DP now needs to go back and point out that this is the same shit, that she owes you an apology for her behaviour. It has to come from him, he has to take off those rose tinted spectacles.

@eminthebigsmoke he is making sure it's clear to her that she is completely misguided and out of line so I am feeling a bit more confident in that respect