DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

Glad you both have your mum being supportive. Part of what helped my dh see that his mum was far from perfect was seeing how his aunt was, but later he also gaining massively from living with my mum and seeing how differently she dealt with everyday things, as well as big important things.

I hope your dh will gain in is way too. I'm sure your mum is very special (as was mine) but mostly mums are quite similar in their priorities, and I hope that seeing your mum enacting her priorities will help to highlight how far outside the norm his own mum is.

DP now needs to go back and point out that this is the same shit, that she owes you an apology for her behaviour. It has to come from him, he has to take off those rose tinted spectacles.

100%

Poor guy, it’s a tough realisation to handle. Sounds like you’re a good team and getting through this will make you stronger. It will be her loss if she continues to push you both away.

Wtf? She's gone from wanting 50% in the event of DP predeceasing her to 50% plus an apology? I'd be minded to send her an email along the lines of "Dear MIL. I'm so very, very sorry ... that you're crazier than a whole cave full of batshit."

She's got so many screws loose she needs to get herself an electric screwdriver or she'll have RSI before she's tightened herself up.

Bloody Hell!

I think she wants you to apologise for trying to take her place as main woman in her DS life.

Hope this gives him a kick up the arse to be more independent and not rely on her - or you in future

@LakieLady this did make me chuckle so thank you.

To be honest, I'm just feeling drained now and very, very grateful she's across the world and can easily be ignored until we're ready to respond.

Where before I was angry, I'm now just very sad, for myself but also for DP.

Misguided is a very nice and polite word to use. Batshit crazy is far more accurate.

I wonder how she would feel if you were buying property in Australia? There are restrictions on foreign ownership so mixed Aussie/Other couples are usually required to buy as joint tenants (can be tenants in common in new builds only, I think).

Please don’t ever apologise to her - you don’t owe her an apology, she owes you one. I would love to know how she justifies deserving an apology from you - were you on the calls with your DP to her? What does she now of your attitude and how could you have possibly betrayed her????

Misguided? Nah, she's just nasty, and wants her son all to herself, and to get that, she'll do whatever's necessary.

She's NOT "misguided".

TBH, she's not going to listen to anyone and any attempts to explain/reason with her will just be fuel to her fire.

I'd just reply "Thank you, but we've already made our decision and will not be proceeding with the purchase". Then refuse to discuss any further no matter what she comes up with next.

Yes it is sad. DH and I are in a similar position (albeit over different issues but it boils down to the same attitude from MIL). It's crap.

I am so so sorry to hear of this op. She is absolutely poisonous. I know you don't want to 'punish' your DP for his mother's faults, but bear this in mind when planning your future. Will he put his mother's batshit unreasonable demands before you forever? She is so manipulative, he needs to be extra strong.

I'm absolutely flabbergasted and more hurt than I thought I would be. I just can't understand how she honestly believes she is not being incredibly hurtful

Of course she knows she is hurting you and your DP. THATS THE POINT! She’s showing you what will happen if you don’t do as she wants.

Your partner needs to watch and learn. So do you. This is who she is. She will go on acting like this as long as he lets her. This is what your life will be like if he continues trying to keep you both happy/ capitulating to her demands .

This is what your children’s lives will be like if you have them with him and he continues to act the way he is doing.

Is this what you want?

I think it's about the way she sees your relationship, you see yourselves buying as a couple. She sees two people who are separate buying an investment together, in the way some people buy with friends to get on the housing ladder. In those circumstances she would not be unreasonable.

I hope you have both realised that you need to act independently as a couple and there is no need to involve her or tell her about your plans and purchases in future. It’s not her business and conversations with her should not include your private financial or personal plans. Just get on with your lives.

It's quite hilarious she is not hearing "thanks for the offer but no thanks". She is desperate to claim her stake in his life...

Utterly batshit.

I said way up thread you can go and buy alone, DP save hard and him buy 50% off you. Presumably he'll be paying you a lower rent than he is now so he has no reason to not have the means to stand on his own feet.

Also gives you time to see how things pan out with his mother.

“No other solution is good enough. She describes it as 'inappropriate' that I receive more as I am not family.”

It was never really about protecting her loan, it was always about getting the 50% , all his estate, if he dies.

She was using the cash loan to buy his continued status as Next if Kin and keep you out.

I also feel sorry for your DP.

Can you buy a cheaper property together, and recognise his lower deposit by being TiC but on your own terms? You would still own your share of the property, get a bigger pace than you buying alone and perhaps be better for your relationship than him renting from you.

He just needs to get the money back to her ASAP. That would do a lot more that faffing around with emails tbh.

It's not about the money - it's about control! She wants her son beholden to her, and not to a woman who lives in another country.

The 'death' scenario is her catastrophising about the scale of her loss if her son makes a permanent commitment to living abroad.

It is about control. That's why getting the money back ASAP is sensible, it will make clear to the mother that one part of the foothold of control she's established has been removed. Then the OP wait to see what the mother does in response, it will provide another valuable insight into how she operates.

I wonder what would happen if neither of you responded to this latest round of batshit? You don't have to. She's ramping up the drama to continue to make herself relevant to her son's life.

And IMO discussing wills in any capacity, except between you and your solicitor, is very gauche indeed. Her suggestions show that her mindset is that her son is her property (regardless of his wants or wishes), and by extension, his assets are also hers - or more to the point, not yours. What if he decided to leave everything to the cats' home?

Glad you are getting support from your Mum. I do feel a bit sorry for your DP, but this is his opportunity to shine through and show you that yes, he does now have your back.

Cannot believe all the drama for £10k less expenses - just not worth it. If £10k is that much of a big deal to her then she should never have offered it and her DS should never have accepted. Similarly if it is make or break to your future home buying decisions with your DP he should be saving for it himself.

(For context we will have 2 at Uni at the same time in a couple of years and this will be our annual expected contribution to their upkeep - we won't be expecting them to mortgage their future or bequeath us their Worldly goods to pay it back, The thread interests me because I hope to avoid batshit crazy antics should I develop a potential future SiL in the next 5 years. There are lots of examples of similar in mine and DH's extended family hence my general rule of getting my lot educated and independent and then leaving them to it)

OP, this is the time to take a step back emotionally and leave your DP to it when it comes to handwringing over and communicating with his mother. You have said your piece, and you are ultimately the one who has been deliberately attacked here. For all you feel sorry for him, he should be feeling sorry and guilty for how this has affected you (how he has let it affect you) and then some.

Sit back and see how he responds to this. This might be where the lights go on for him about his mother. In which case, good. If not then I'm sorry but no amount of reading you do or emotional work will be effective until he is ready to see how manipulative his mother has been and how he has let her get away with it up to now.

I sort of see where the MIL's coming from (she's still wrong though).

In her mind, she and her son are putting up money towards a flat and if he dies then his girlfriend (who is not family) will get all of it - or at least whatever's been paid and any increase in value. She doesn't just want her 10K back, she wants the girlfriend not to get anything that she didn't personally put in - hence ending up with 50%. In her eyes she's safeguarding her son's/her investment.

She really can't see that her son has moved on in life and is buying a home with someone. She's giving him a contribution towards this new life and what he does with it should be up to him. If he did die and she got 50% of the property, would she be wanting to continue paying 1/2 the mortgage until it was paid off or would she expect to be bought out at that point?

Sit back and see how he responds to this. This might be where the lights go on for him about his mother. In which case, good. If not then I'm sorry but no amount of reading you do or emotional work will be effective until he is ready to see how manipulative his mother has been and how he has let her get away with it up to now

This is excellent advice .