DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

Op I would consider very carefully whether you want a future with your DP. I have lived this life, it is not an easy way to live, unless your dp supports you 100% and pulls his mother up on her abuse of you, then you are in for a life of many, many hellish arguments. A ruined Engagement, a wedding that she tries to prevent. Turning the family against you. Sending the flying monkeys in to try to get dp on side! Vicious awful lies about you and even about your dp to allow her to play the victim!

I lived it and my marriage survived. But only because my dh always had my back. We eventually went no contact and are both so much happier. We haven’t had a fight in the seven years since going NC, despite constant fights because of his Mother, before going NC.

Your MIL is more than a Thorne on your side, she has today started a WAR over what she sees is her property. If your dp is so easily manipulated that despite his Mother screaming abuse about you down the phone, he turns round and blames you, then I am sorry to say that he has picked his side! And that is not you! He will ALWAYS choose her first, you have a choice here, be the second wife to her as his first, or step away. If you choose the latter then he needs to be told why! He was prepared to see you screwed over financially and see you lose your home to placate his Mother. He is either a coward or such a Mummies boy that he will never escape her!

My relationship would not have survived if my dh hadn’t been on my side, telling me he loved me, putting me first. My dh was not perfect, he made a lot of mistakes where he allowed her to manipulate him and behaved terribly but when he pulled back from her for a few days he would realise that she was messing with his head and see the situation more clearly. We both wish we had stayed no contact after initially doing so following her psychotic reaction to our engagement. If I can advise you of anything it is to go nc. My mil lived abroad for half of the year and she would still cause massive arguments and manipulate dh via phone calls.

Do read both of the Susan Forward books, I wish I had them when it was all starting with my MIL. I wish I had mumsnet then too!

Well, I think your mil has very successfully hammeredin the first nail to the coffin of your relationship, and I suspect this was her ultimate goal from the beginning.

How can you fix it when your dp can't even see it?

Good luck.

I am glad you are going to talk to your DP.
Seriously you should not enter into the largest financial contract of your life with someone who puts you second to a manipulator. It is a terrible foundation for your relationship.
Also,Whatever he does she could add more conditions.
And All of what @ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser said.

Your Solicitor should be able to draw up a memorandum which makes a legal note of the loan so if something happens to your Partner, then she has some protection in seeing her money back.

It is however not her place to demand her Son changes his Will one way or another or where he should gift his assets, and should not pit you against each other. I would suggest someone has offered this advice to her ''after the fact'' when she made the offer and she has had time to dwell on the negatives of the situation.

I sort of don't blame her wanting the protection as my Hubby is owed considerable $$'s from lending funds to a good friend and did it over a handshake. That fellow died several years ago and although it was discussed in front of his 2nd wife when friend was alive, she claims there is no proof Hubby lent the money (before her time) and refuses to acknowledge the debt as Executor of the Estate. All documents pertaining to the loan (bank transfers etc) were taken by Hubby's former partner.... not an ideal situation at all.

expat101 the woman does not want protection, she wants everything.

When your dh lent the friend the money did he ask for his friends house in lieu of payment if he died?

Legal notes are not what she wants because if her ds died before the loan was repaid she wants his half of the flat. She doesn't think it fair if she doesn't, profit from his death. Or words to those effect

You have the future MIL from hell and continue your relationship with your dp at your peril.

Tbh it is not attractive that your adult dp is dependent on his mummy for a deposit either.

Sounds like he is weak because she is so controlling.

Oh dear. You need to find a much more compatible future DH/ mil combo where they love you to bits of you want a happy future.

Could you ever see yourself and your dp getting married OP? This would really throw a spanner in the works for your MIL.

I will find a property on my own and DP will pay rent to me to live there

Goody, well done.

I've tried to speaking to DP today about his relationship with his mother, but I think it's too soon. He still seems to think he should just let her think she's the closest person to him as she's a sad old lady

Don't bother with the relationship angle. Keep it all on the money, you need to protect your assets as the proposed arrangement left you vulnerable.

She sure has.

This might be stupid but having never bought before I'm not sure if this would be possible or not but could you not go ahead and buy the house using her deposit just buying it as in you two own it and then in a few weeks try to take out a loan for her share of the deposit and pay her back in full? I'm just thinking since it's under £10000 then that might be a possibility? I honestly don't know if you could do this or not. I would apply for a loan for "home improvement" I mean technically it's not a lie 🥴

I am thinking she is going to seriously termite your relationship no matter what you do. It may be lucky that you didn’t buy under any circumstances with DP and end up with her trying to have any legal claim. She sounds absolutely batshit. I am an Aussie and am absolutely mortified that she is on the same continent as me!!!

Looks like there is a whole other side of your P's character that you are going to need to learn about, & see if this relationship has potential long term, will he long term be happy in the UK, because going to Australia sounds like it is a poisoned chalice for you.
I think you had a very lucky escape not buying a flat with bf. even paying rent to you gives him certain rights down the line I believe.

My parents lent us some money towards our deposit.

When we had our financial checks done, the lender wanted to know where EVERY penny had come from . My parents had to sign to say the money they lent us was a gift NOT a LOAN and that they had NO SHARE in the property whatsoever. Of course, they did this no problem.

Did you have to do this OP?

Not everyone has to do that Haloumi, think it depends on the bank.

Although I can see why you have decided not to buy a house with him, I think that you have probably played into her hands unfortunately. She may have been trying to prevent this in the first place as this would potentially tie him to the UK more than he already is. It's a shame your DP didn't stand up to her.

When we had our financial checks done, the lender wanted to know where EVERY penny had come from . My parents had to sign to say the money they lent us was a gift NOT a LOAN and that they had NO SHARE in the property whatsoever.

Things may have changed (it was many years ago( but my parents didn't have to do that. They also put a charge against the property so that they would get the money back if I sold it in the future.

The MIL has said it's a gift and signed the necessary paperwork confirming this but then told her son she wants paying back.

OP has already said that she (MIL) signed the forms to say it was a gift. Hence all the talk of mortgage fraud, because she was expecting it to be paid back, but because she'd said that it could be paid back whenever, OP/OP's partner, and MIL don't think it counts as a loan.

Anyway, it's a moot point now, as OP's pulled out of buying the flat, and will buy another one on her own, with her partner paying rent.

Although I can see why you have decided not to buy a house with him, I think that you have probably played into her hands unfortunately. She may have been trying to prevent this in the first place as this would potentially tie him to the UK more than he already is. It's a shame your DP didn't stand up to her.

I did think that myself

I had a similar situation years and years ago with an ex boyfriend. They gave my ex a small amount for the deposit. They didn’t even want me on the mortgage. We lied to them but we didn’t change anything. What annoyed me was that I earned more and was paying more towards the mortgage and the property value increased. Maybe you could agree to pay her back the actual amount she’s lent her son in the event discussed. No-one can say they won’t die unfortunately and you need to safeguard each other. I don’t know why his mum would behave in this way, esp if you are paying her back. If something did happen to either of you your life insurance should pay the rest of the mortgage back and then she could get her money back. She seems to be changing the goal posts from helping her son to property investment which is out of order. Sounds a selfish woman. Don’t let her push you into something you don’t want.

Sorry just seen update!!

She sounds a total selfish cow. It’s the kind of stuff my mum would come out with.

Suggest SHE takes out an insurance policy on her son's life so that she get's the money if the worst happens... Weird but possible. Much cheaper to just take a policy out for the amount she actually lent you, not viewing helping her son out as an investment...

You both also need to take one out anyway in case the worst happens to either of you, to pay off the mortgage, but not for her benefit... Cant think of anything worse than coping with the death of a loved one and being thrown out of your home at the same time...

Good decision on pulling out of this purchase OP.

None of this nonsense is really about protection of loans, wills, inheritance or anything financial. This is purely a power play and putting you in your place and that is a distant second to DP mother.

If she did not want him to jointly purchase with you all she had to do was not provide his half of the deposit, but she did as she wanted you to be indebted to her and dance to her tune evermore. Your decision to pull out has put a stop to that. For now I would step back and get yourself in a financial position to purchase on your own, seriously consider your future with your DP, if you buy and he rents from you get everything sorted legally, have him sign documents stating that he has no claim to your property, don't take him at his word that he would not claim in the event of a split as sadly his mother would force him too, you need to be smart and put yourself first legally and financially.

Jeepy
Suggest SHE takes out an insurance policy on her son's life so that she get's the money if the worst happens...

Ha ha I'd suggest she take out an insurance policy for £500,000 on her son's life so that she gets loads of money when he dies, as that seems to be important to her.

haloumi, same here when my one of my adult chidlren bought 2 properties - both times with 2 different lenders - both wanted me to sign to confirm the sum was a gift not a loan.